From: Toddy
Subject: Keeping faith and power alive
Hello Toddy, 🙂
Thank you very much for your generous donation.
May God return this unto you a thousandfold, and more for your generosity. ((hugs))
Dear HB,
Let me just start off by thanking you for this wonderful website. I can’t begin
to tell you what a God send this has been for me. It has been comforting to
know others have travelled these same uncertain waters and yet sad as well.
Unfortunately, there are many people who travel this same road, but as I have come to know, this time of emotional growth is needed and necessary.
I Am so grateful, I have spent many hours reading and gathering knowledge and
hope as well. I have suffered so much pain and sadness. I haven’t known anyone
to go through this before.
It’s more common than you would think, however, not many people get the help they need.
They often think that it’s just a case of falling out of love, disenchantment, and so many
take it very personally, as if they had done something to cause this, when, really
they didn’t.
My BD was in March of 2013, although I got the ” I’m
done” the first week of February, what a roller coaster ride it has been , I am
dizzy. He has been telling me since the beginning he was going to move out and
yet he remained. There was always someone’s couch to sleep on if he was that
miserable . But I kept that comment to myself. I noticed at least 5-6years
prior to BD, was the Nasty ,angry attitude. He had an ego the size of a
football field.He was pulling away emotionally. I knew something was wrong but
didn’t know what. We walked on eggshells daily. It took me a long time to wrap
my self around what was happening.
Apparently he’s been in this for quite a while. But then, when the emotional bomb is
dropped, the typical mid-life spouse has been in their crisis for a period of time.
One of the hardest things for the left-behind spouse to do is to continue
standing when everything points to the opposite direction.
You hung in there when most people would have walked away. In addition, I suspect you already know his mid-life crisis started before he dropped the emotional bomb on you.
I finally came across your website some
time after January. It took me a long time. I became obsessed with the stages.
A lot of people become obsessed with the stages, before they learn to detach
and begin to realize this journey is also about them.
In time, they come to also realize there is a journey they, too, must take for themselves.
When he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this all about
you, just like his mid-life crisis is all about him.
I hadn’t learned about detaching yet. I cried daily at work it is a wonder I
got anything done. I learned about the OW. He had away of hiding in plain site.
The OW was someone he worked with prior to retiring. I found some cards from
her ,dates as far back as early 2010. I think it was an EA that became sexual.
She was miserably married so I guess misery loves company.
They all hide in plain sight. Like children, they get caught fairly quickly, then get angry
because they don’t know how you’ve managed to find out…and yes, it is that obvious, because of their obviously confused, and fogged state of mind that is complicated by the infatuation highs they’re riding upon during the time of the affair.
The Other Woman is miserably married? Do you know this for sure? I wouldn’t believe that for one minute.
Mid-life spouses, and other women/other men both have ways of justifying their involvement within an affair.
An affair is always about the cheater, not about the one that is being cheated upon.
The other woman is quite a piece of work, because she is as broken, if not more broken than the mid-life spouse she has entangled herself with. Misery (real, OR perceived) does, indeed, love company.
The affair partners “mirror” each other, because they are just like each other.
Until the dissatisfaction of staying within the affair outweighs the perceived
satisfaction of continuing to be involved, the affair always continues to run hot.
What can you do about it, if anything? Nothing at all, but stand by and let it run its
course. IF you interfere, you’re only going to make matters worse. She is not your problem, she is HIS.
I know you said not to follow them, but on April 25, our 16 th anniversary got the best of me. I
asked him to dinner, which I know I shouldn’t have. I would have been happy
with Wendy’s .He said he had plans. That night I found he bought a house 2
weeks prior. He moved money to a separate account so I wasn’t able to see when
it was gone. I went to the address and the two showed up. They had just gotten
back from dinner!! I approached them and exchanged words with her. I said ” did
you know it was our anniversary ? ” she said “yes we celebrated for you…” I
muttered something like ” broken woman” and left, in shambles but did not cry
there.
They were (and still possibly are) using that house to carry on their illicit affair. That’s why they showed up over there.
First off, hon, you shouldn’t have followed them. Second of all, the other woman’s words showed just how dismissive, and disrespectful she was of you, because you know what she said wasn’t true.
Your husband was having an affair with her, and they went out to dinner for a different reason.
I don’t ever recommend speaking to the other woman for any reason, she was never your problem to begin with, she was always his. He’s responsible for the affair, and though she had her part in it, he’s more accountable, due to the fact he could have said no, and didn’t, therefore he committed adultery against you.
Keep in mind, too, you are the WIFE, she covets your power, as all other women are envious of the WIFE, and really, she’s nothing in this greater scheme of things. Leave well enough alone.
The more you fight the affair, the closer they’ll stick together.
2 days later my H’s brother invited him and our son out on his boat. His
brother was my sons favorite uncle. Because my H was “Mad at me” they did not
go. Needless to say my son was upset. 4 days later my H’s brother died of a
heart attack, my H has huge regrets !!! I believe that was a sign straight from
above!! What a tough lesson that has turned out to be!!
No one’s death is ever “punishment” for something that someone does that is perceived as being wrong. Your husband’s being mad at you, was his problem, not anyone else’s.
What happened was an act of God, and it was his brother’s time to leave this earth—nothing more nothing less.
Whatever regrets your husband harbors have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.
Anything else you’re choosing to see, within this aspect is only your perception.
Death of a loved one at any time during can serve to do one of two things:
Begin moving the mid-life spouse through their crisis, or push them deeper within
the crisis. Time will tell what this major life’s event might do.
He has progressed through the stages exactly how you have written them. Last month I got the I do
love you and an apology for all the pain he has ever caused me. He needed
someone who allowed him to be himself. I believe that was the start of him
breaking his withdrawal. Little by little he has been helping out at home like
helping in mowing the grass and spending a little more time. Now in the last 2
weeks he had stopped communicating yet approachable and answering if I call if
that makes sense.
I sincerely believe the other woman is still in the picture somewhere.
He was trying to justify what I suspect is his still ongoing affair with her
by telling you what he told you he “needed.” Telling you that he did love you,
and giving you an apology, was designed to test how receptive you are to him.
Granted, he’s currently approachable, answering if you call, but that means nothing, and that can change at any time.
Many mid-life spouses try to balance their affair, and life with their spouses like an egg on a spoon.
Time will tell whether he’s trying to end the affair, or is striving for better balance; possibly still involved, but hiding it more deeply from you.
Only you would know for sure exactly what he was doing.
Though he seems to be moving back toward you, then withdrawing to process (continuing affair or not), keep in mind, that he is still in his crisis, and in crisis he will remain until he eventually confronts himself, and his issues.
Nothing you can do about that, except continue focusing on yourself, your own inner issues, and start achieving necessary growth within your own self.
I know he is not out of MLC, but I think I am seeing some
light at the end of the tunnel. HB, is this the part where they are coming
across an open field? And lasts about 6 months? Is the OW more than gone ?
It looks more like he’s emotionally cycling at this point in time. He’s still not out of replay yet–he’s still firmly entrenched within this stage.
I also have to ask where you are in your own journey.
I see everything about him, but next to nothing about you.
My suggestion is to get your focus off him, and get it onto you.
You can do nothing for him, but everything for yourself.
Do you think he will move out at this point? have gotten busy but still am
curious? I believe a few things have brought him to this point…his mother is
someone who does not show affection. His father kicked him out of the house for
cussing at him and his mother did not try to stop it and he just retired after 26 years with
the fire department. Maybe all had a hand in it.
His mother is his major issue to resolve, as he never had unconditional love as a child. Also, the fact that he was being disrespectful toward his mother shows a totally rebellious child who was never allowed to express himself. Cursing one’s mother or father is not a mark of respect on a mid-life spouse’s part, and it’s apparent he has issues with both parents that he must resolve within himself.
What you’re listing are all contributors to his crisis.
Apparently he has many issues..the answers are in the articles I’ve written.
I cannot say whether he will move out or not. That’s up to him. They don’t all move out. However, they must have space and time to deal with themselves, and it won’t matter if you give him that, or not. He’ll just take when he thinks it’s necessary for himself. He will do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Let him go, and let God deal with this man. He has a lot of emotional problems, and he needs to outgrow his immaturity.
He told our son about the house
last weekend and took him to see it and said that when it was completed with fixing
we were going to rent it out. That may be a good sign . I have yet to go or go
inside for that matter.
Sounds like some future talk on his part. However time will tell what he will do.
I am still extremely hurt on how all that unravelled.!!!!
His ongoing mid-life crisis, and all that has transpired has had nothing to
do with you, and everything to do with him. You would need to work through your
hurt feelings for yourself, and figure out what issues his emotional abandonment (and affair) triggered within yourself, and work these out on your own, for yourself.
Granted, he sinned against you, but he didn’t do any of this ‘to’ you..he
has done these things to himself. In time, IF he comes to a point of facing
himself fully, he will see this for himself.
I made an appt for eye lid surgery and didn’t tell him about it until the night
before… He was in shock! He said “I hope you didn’t do it FOR me ..”. I said I did
it “because” of you !!!
If you’re being honest, you didn’t do this because of him, because he was not the
one who decided you were going to get eyelid surgery. You made that decision for
yourself, and your comment sounded to him like you’re blaming him, rather than showing something positive on your part.
Anything you do, is because of you, not because of him. He put you on this road,
through his selfish actions, but that was all he did. The rest was because of
your choosing to make a decision on your own without his input.
We figure out in time, that we have as much power to decide our lives as the mid-life
spouse does, and they are often in shock, and sometimes become very angry, because they think they have all of the power, while the left-behind spouse has none…and they are always in for a very rude awakening, when they find they don’t have any more control over their spouse, than their spouse does over them.
Yes HB, I am taking care of myself…he wanted me to get a
life I guess because he had guilt … Be careful what you wish for you!! Again
thanks so much everything …any words of wisdom will be immensely appreciated if
you can spare some time !! Knowledge is power, and I am feeling mine coming back !
Taking care of yourself is always a good thing, as long as you don’t forget your
inner journey, and continue growing as a result of this experience.
Continue letting go, letting God have this man, while you continue learning to
get a life that doesn’t involve him. Also, continue walking your own journey toward
wholeness and healing for yourself.
Keep in mind that as long as there is love, there is always hope.
I sincerely hope that everything works out.
((hugs))
