Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Lisa

Hello Lisa, 🙂

HB,
I have been researching, living, breathing the MLC journey for almost 4 years. My story is cookie cutter in that he got mad, I didnt understand, he said outrageous stuff, he loved me, spewed,…found him on FB “talking with girl 18 yrs younger”..you cant tell me who to be friends with….he left in Jan. 2011.

** Looks like you’ve had a hard time of this. If I might ask, how are you doing on your own journey? I know you’ve said you’ve been researching, living, breathing the MLC journey for all this time, but what have you done for yourself? I see everything about him, but next to nothing about you, except how you’ve tried to “fix” him all this time.

Honey, you didn’t break him, therefore you can’t fix him–all you can really do is be there for him when/if he needs you–and yes, I can see you’ve been doing that, too.

I can imagine finding him on FB talking with a girl eighteen years younger than him was quite a shock for you. Emotional affairs–or MLC affairs as a whole are all about wanting to forge an emotional connection with the person the mid-life spouse is trying to connect with.

It’s about trying to find what he didn’t have as a child–unconditional love, acceptance for who he is, and validation for his ego. This is all about him–and honestly, this has nothing at all to do with you, nor does it anything to do with your marriage.

He is driven by forces he can’t understand himself, so how can he be expected to explain what he’s going through to you?

Since you were/are a part of his past, you became one of his many issues to work through. Every aspect of a mid-life spouse’s life becomes suspect, and subject to inner questioning as they become disintegrated emotionally, fall apart completely, and the inner pain and pressure is sometimes too much to bear, and when it gets too much, they will spew, rebel, and most will run away.
—–
Everytime I tried to talk to him, he blamed me, spewed…was going in a different direction., although within a few months he would call, tell me he loved me, couldnt stop thinking of me, he was hard headed, etc.

**This was and is a very confused man, and in his perception, you were in his way, interfering with him, and the purpose of spewing angrily is to make or even FORCE the left-behind spouse to back off, because the mid-life spouse feels smothered by everything, all the way down to the questions a left-behind spouse may ask, and again, it becomes too much.

On the other hand, he had/has feelings for you, knew it was wrong, did it anyway, and tried to keep things on as much of an emotional even keel as he could manage. However the mid-life crisis had other ideas, because after all, this time of life is all about change, growth and becoming, and in the end, while no one gets a choice about going through, there are two choices presented: go through the process in full, submit to these changes, growths and becomings, or continue fighting the process for life.

It’s an emotional developmental process that actually requires the person going through this to go through the emotional process designed to fully settle all issues that were created within the first half of their lives. This is a tall order from anyone who has NO clue what they are doing, why this is happening, and it’s honestly rare to see a mid-life spouse that even knows why they’re going through this, at the time it’s happening.

They come to know afterward, as hindsight kicks in for a time, that they went through something, it changed them forever, and if they do it right, it brings them a deep, lasting peace.

They do not always vocalize it as MLC, they just know this particular mental emotional and spiritual battle, once finished, was important, that it meant something major has happened to them, and they come to see that it’s all good.

Just as gradually as they went in, gradually they will come out–and it all takes time.
—–
I never could find proof of an affair until I put a GPS on his truck and followed him 4 hours from home in May 2013…there she was “all engaged and everything, although her mom was going to talk to him about his drinking and hiding his cell phone….GEEZ! HB, I know this is normal, but I could not believe the depth of the “mess”he had made….I was angry, furious and everything inbetween for about 48 hours and then I got a grip. He hid, cycled.

**Basically what you did was the equivalent of snooping, and bought yourself more hurt and trouble combined, because I suspect he never meant for you to find out what he was doing, but you did.

You couldn’t believe the mess he made, because you weren’t prepared to see this kind of mess–and I can imagine it was a serious shock on your part, and most likely another bomb to add to all of the others, as your husband was doing things you never thought he’d ever do. I sincerely doubt there is anyone that can adequately prepare a left-behind spouse for the devastation they’ll encounter upon discovering their spouse tangled up in an affair.

I’m glad you got a grip, and didn’t do something you would have regretted much later. Of course he hid, cycled etc…he was in fear for his life–but then, most of them are when busted in an affair.

Mid-life spouses have a tendency to hedge their bets–they’ll bet everything within their entitlement thinking, because no matter how they feel, most of them really do think the left-behind spouse will take them back no matter what they do. Why? Because the left-behind spouse loves them. However you do have some that are completely and utterly destroyed upon discovery–and for some it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
—–

The only person that had been lied to more was the OW…She was such an “affair down” and I really hate to say that kind of thing. I almost feel sorry for her as she was inmature, unattractive and has never had a father figure in her life….so whatever and she was broken enought to willingly stay involved with a married man for 3 years.


**In my humble opinion, both you AND the other woman were equally lied to-it was not a matter of who got lied to more, and my point is this: A lie is a lie is a lie, no matter who it’s told to. Your husband was solely responsible for what he did to dishonor and put completely asunder his marriage…I know she had her part in this, but HE was the one who fell into temptation, had the most to lose, and because of his deception toward you, he caught himself in the middle of drama that should never have happened, but it did…and I imagine the fallout was pretty bad.

OK, something about the other woman/other men of this world–they are ALL “affair downs” sorry, but that’s kind of a “duh!” aspect.…no self-respecting emotionally mature person is going to allow themselves to get entangled with these kinds of who are just as broken, if not MORE broken than the mid-life spouse that gets entangled with them.

As the mid-life spouse is different, if they get entangled in an affair, they will choose someone who is a direct emotional mirror to them–in other words, just like them. Other women/other men do NOT care about whether their affair partner is married or not, the affair is just as much as their selfishness as it is about the mid-life spouse’s selfishness..both participants are selfish, use each other for the purpose of various needs they won’t let their marital partners (IF one exists) meet.

Also affair participants are prone to choosing people who are “out of reach” and always emotionally unavailable. This goes back to the issues within each person that complement, or go together with one another.

The affair lasts for as long as it’s going to, and as long as reality doesn’t intrude on the couple in “true luv” and they can somehow manage NOT to shatter the “two-way” mirror that shows them as being the same, it will continue. The purpose of this two-way emotional mirror is to avoid accountability, and in this aspect, escaping accountability, and avoiding accountability is the same concept.

However, nothing lasts forever, the affair loses its appeal, and the affair partner loses their “shine”, then when one or the partner changes in a way designed to move themselves forward into a different emotional place, OR you have one that starts pressuring for commitment the other truly doesn’t want, the affair goes through a process of dissolving, and that also takes time.
—–

Here we are a year out from that and he cycled, filed harrassment charges on me because I came to his apartment and wanted to “figure this out”….told the attorney he had to have peace and quiet….So I quit and filed back for adultery…..and left him alone in Sept

**Basically what happened is you pursued, wanting to “fix” him again, and he filed harassment charges on you. So in retaliation, you filed back for adultery. Both of you are guilty of harassing each other in different ways. When neither of you could get your way in things, something was filed by one on the other.

Nothing changed, until you finally LET GO of him–see, that’s where people can’t seem to grasp the concept of letting go…they are often forced to let go, and no one that I know about has ever willingly let go–they have always been forced to let go by circumstances that arranged themselves in such a way that ran them directly into a brick wall they couldn’t go around, nor scale–only then, do they finally do what they were advised to do back in the beginning AFTER the emotional bomb was dropped.

Lisa, understand I’m not getting onto you–sometimes, people have to make their own mistakes in order to learn, but I’m making a solid point that I often make over and over and over—no one can control anyone, but themselves, and to struggle for “other control” (control over others) is a pointless exercise, and wasted time better spent working on yourself.

The more a person tries to “fix” another person, that doesn’t want to be ‘fixed’ the more trouble that often comes about, and things escalate to a point where something has to give–and the controlling left-behind spouse is FORCED to LET GO.

Point made, we’ll move along.
—–

…..Beginning in Nov, he started coming around…saying things like I have been stupid….He looks awful…since last year, he has gained weight, looks miserable, is still drinking beer (although when in affair he had started drinking the hard stuff). I just keep my lips zipped, but I am dying inside. We have 2 boys that are now 21 and 14….He literally only saw the boys 3 times between Spring 2011 and Dec 2013. This year our oldest got a job out of college and headed to a new state….I invited H to see him off, he came, kissed me, acted like he had the best time….even comforted me when our oldest drove away…..We are talking more, although I do not bring up the relationship. He took our 14 yr old on a business trip for a week…then came back and withdrew but he told me that he hoped he had fun, but I know I havent been there and I have let him down and it makes me feel “small” when other men can talk about their kids and I can’t (That is about his feelings).

**So, in November, he literally and clearly “woke up” to himself, and what he was doing, and began returning. Now, at this point in time, you really should have been at the point in your journey where you could handle him, but you weren’t so you are, as you say “dying inside.” LET GO of this man, and put your entire focus on yourself.
You cannot do anything for him, but everything for yourself.

You are doing right in not bringing up the relationship–that’s pointless, and would only bring bouts of confused, angry spewing on his part.

His withdrawing is necessary to process his interactions–it’s a necessary part of his crisis, and a necessary part of his growth. He is apparently expressing regrets, and this means his awareness is returning gradually…not in a bad way, but in a good way.
—–
He hides out on weekends, which triggers me thinking he is in an affair, but of course he denies anything but being exhausted. He works a lot (his other mistress) . I went to take him some magazines and things that he saw when he was visiting that he said he would like to read. He lives in a small one room apt with only a microwave and a bed and TV. He watches lots of movies as I gather from our conversations.

**Don’t look at what he’s doing as “hiding” as it is taking his time and space so he can learn to deal with himself without constant distractions that pressure him, however, he can’t take constant thinking so he’s working a lot of hours, because it helps him NOT to think. They can’t deal with constant thinking, and can only take it in small doses.

You have a lot of processing to do within yourself, that you’ve not done yet, and this surrounds his affair that still triggers and hurts you. You’re afraid that if you don’t let go of this, he will never truly account for it.

I suspect he hasn’t accounted fully for it, but honey, he’s not ready to do that in full right now–he’s got a lot on his emotional “plate” to deal with, but he will eventually account for that affair–just not right now.

From what I can see at the moment, he seems to be doing fairly well–doing the best he can with what he has to work with within himself.

Be friendly but distant, and don’t ask a lot of questions–just be there when/if he needs you–he will come to you, when he needs you, and I believe he will.
—–

I did ask why he ignores our youngest son. He said I am not ignoring, but Lisa I am a better man than you think I am? I asked him in compared to what? He said, than when all this “mess” started…I am trying to grow up! Then I saw a “child” appear…he got tears in his eyes and said I guess I just have to accept that my parents dont’ care about me and what I do….they just act like they listen to me, but they dont. I didnt touch that, but did say that your parents firmly believe that the Lord sees us through times of trouble and that is why they have not interfered with your problems. He wanted me to affirm his feelings and I did to a point.


**He was right in what he said–he’s not “ignoring”..he’s unable to deal with him right now, and again, he’s doing the best he can with what he has to work with, and I would advise backing off from him, and just simply validating his feelings, even when you don’t agree with how he feels.

While I realize he’s not acted like a good man, consider the fact that he’s truly struggling within himself. It’s hard to understand their struggles when you’ve not been there yourself, but one would really need to learn to be empathetic toward them, and consider walking in the shoes of their emotional struggles.

Developing compassion in spite of being angry at wrong actions that were done against us, isn’t easy, and I can’t sit here and tell you it was all that easy for me either. It wasn’t. However, one of the lessons we learn is that we’re ALL human, not divine, and all of us have our crosses to bear, and we also struggle in many ways. We want to be understood, and even supported during our struggles, and the mid-life spouse isn’t any different in this aspect than we are.

They’re human, too, and God would have us to learn compassion for their pain, even when we might not understand what they’re going through.

Learn not to judge, and give thought to the Bible passage that speaks to “He who is without stone, let him cast the first stone.” Your husband is struggling within himself to become the man, he KNOWS he is NOT at this point in time. He looks to you, his wife, for encouragement, even when he seems to not be listening or accepting what you may be saying. If you’re saying things that he takes as harsh and/or critical, it destroys what little self esteem and self confidence he’s trying to build within himself, to become this man he knows he needs to become.

Honey, I’ve been there, and I made mistakes like this a lot–I didn’t truly understand what he was facing until I walked this same road myself so much later on.

Your husband IS trying to grow up, and what you saw was a badly hurt, emotionally abandoned child who wanted someone to just listen and validate those feelings he had then, and is struggling so hard to reconcile and heal now. One last thing, when you validate someone, you FULLY validate them–you don’t try to “fix” how they feel, or validate them to a certain point.

You learn that right or wrong, each person has a right to how they feel, even if you don’t agree, and bear in mind that you are NOT him, you didn’t go through his childhood, you weren’t raised by his parents, therefore you do not, and will not ever know all he went through during that time.

Food for thought, and sometimes a simple, “I understand,” will serve to help the mid-life spouse know you’re engaged and really listening to their children as they cry, and struggle to express their feelings–you’ll also get more insight into this man you married as you listen to what he says, as each child comes through and tells its story.

The most important aspect toward settling children is being heard by whomsoever they’re speaking with–most of the time, it will be the left-behind spouse who listens to these things.

There are children within him struggling to be seen and heard, and he needs to process these, let them come through as they will–nothing you can do to get them to come through, but since you know how to recognize them, be a shoulder to them, as much as you can find it within yourself.

I do realize that my writing hasn’t only explained a great many things, but it has also given advice on how to deal with him. I don’t wish to offend you, nor cross a line, but the questions on your part do need to cease. They are only increasing his pressure within. He’s not in any shape to answer a lot of questions about himself at this time–later he will, but not now.

You would need to simply encourage him, because he’s struggling hard, and as time continues forward, he will volunteer other information designed to help you know how he is.
—–

He turned the conversation to me and said he wanted to buy me a ticket to fly so I could see our son in the next few weeks….I said that would be great. He said he would come buy and take care of a pool repair, I said wonderful. HB, I dont even know why I am writing because I know that this is his journey, his crisis, his issues and time is my friend. I have just noticed that as he seems to be becoming more and more depressed and is sliding back into withdrawal, that maybe he is nearing acceptance. I guess I just wanted a fresh pair of eyes on it and know that you truly understand the heart of a LBS and the MLCer.


**I suspect that not only are you getting this fresh pair of eyes, but you’re also getting some additional education, courtesy of yours truly. However, he’s nowhere near acceptance, nor is he within withdrawal or even into depression just yet–from what I can see at this point in time,, he’s on the downhill slide of Replay sliding downward toward the next stage of Depression, and time will tell when he will fully cross over into this next stage.

His depression is steadily increasing, which is common, and he’s withdrawing more, which is also common, because his processing is increasing somewhat, preparing him for this cross over.

He seems to be doing all right in spite of everything that is happening with him–you can’t say anything to him, that would help him, because he still has choices he can make for himself. Just keep giving him his space, and time to keep figuring himself out.

As far as me knowing the hearts of both people–that is an aspect that belongs solely unto the Lord, and not me. I only know it, because He allows me to know it. I have the experience, the Insight given to me by, and because of the Lord, the knowledge and wisdom, and extensive research that qualifies me to make these kinds of calls.

Each person is different just as each crisis is different, but what people don’t realize is that the ending of the affair, and all that comes after is only the precursor into the beginning of the end, but this end, contains THREE(Depression, Withdrawal, and Acceptance) more stages that are to be navigated in FULL, and each stage takes TIME to complete within itself.

The road becomes harder, change, growth and becoming becomes more painful, and the mid-life spouse’s past issues become more clearly seen as their “children” begin showing more and more over time.

If this were an easy process, no one would have to go through much at all, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. However, I can remember that the most painful aspects I ever went through, yielded some of the greatest positive growth I ever achieved on my own, and it did indeed take me walking my own journey in order to continue helping him with his, as my changes triggered his changes, and helped us both to grow, and become what God meant for us to become.

Hard road, but it was well worth the walk to get to the place where we eventually became mature adults–and our endings didn’t come together, they were separate, but they were achieved, in time.

This is not written to discourage anyone, and it’s written from direct and indirect experience. I never write of anything I’ve not already seen, either in my own past situation, or the situation of others.

Not everything in my life has been good, but God has always been good to me, and I will not tell you any differently. There has always been a clear purpose to all I have gone through, lived to tell about it, and I have learned to accept adversity in whatever form it will come, because I know it will always contribute to my ongoing growth in some way, leading to an even greater becoming within myself.

I don’t ever seek to “validate” writings that God has given me. These will always validate themselves, because God’s Word never return void within any circumstance–I just see things as they are, because one learns to recognize what’s ahead, as it’s approaching.

You have many people who try to accelerate the mid-life crisis process all the way to end, but that doesn’t work, because the crisis keeps every situation honest and true to the point that IF someone tries to skip, or miss any part of the crisis, they are simply stopped, and cycled back to the point where they got off course.

The stages themselves run in consecutive order, and ALL stages WILL be run-NOTHING is missed, because the crisis is that thorough in its process. We serve a God of order, and it would stand to reason that the crisis that HE created in the first place would be navigated in a certain order.

Although Depression and Withdrawal both show throughout the crisis–as each particular stage is come into, the main aspect will become so much deeper, and clearly show what stage is being navigated through–Depression and Withdrawal can run in tandem, but in time, Depression would fall off, or gradually slide off, and Withdrawal would remain in place, because the major decisions would have to be made.

I’m not for certain, but I look for this man to ask to return home before his crossover into Depression. Why? Because there’s a certain emotional process the two of you would need to go through, before he proceeds–however, he might not ask to return home, and progress on forward for himself.

It wouldn’t be unusual for him to remain on his own for a while longer, but Lisa, you do need to walk this journey for yourself–you’ve done so much to try and “fix” him, and it’s clear you’ve not let completely go of him, unless you were forced to do so.

As long as you hold on, you cannot let go–and you can’t do both. Get past the fear of losing him, because at this time, he’s already lost–he was lost when he went into the crisis in the first place.
Just back off, and focus on yourself.

—–

My family knows that he has taken our son on a trip and that he is doing things (offering money for oldest to begin his new job/apt, etc), but they are quick to drop a conversation when I speak of him. I also think I will be “happy” to see him slide away so that he can begin to confront things. All along, he has said he doesnt understand why this had to happen to him, so I think on some level he knows that he is on a spiritual, emotional path. He is very analytical and maybe all the growth is underground.

**As far as your family is concerned, they have nothing to do with your marriage, so as much as possible, keep them out of the loop. That’s more for you, than them…once a time of much later renewal, rebuilding and reconciliation comes forth, if extended family gets too involved in your marriage, it makes this aspect harder…food for thought.

As long as he contains issues within himself, you’ll see more times of “fogged thinking” and “children” making irregular appearances.

It’s going to be a while before he realizes that the answers he was seeking in outside sources, were contained within himself all along, and it is up to him to seek these out for himself.

Being analytical isn’t a tool used during the mid-life crisis by the mid-life spouse themselves, remember they are acting in opposite ways during this time, and the lack of analytical ability is mainly because the mid-life spouse is thinking emotionally, NOT logically—logic is set aside completely during the time of crisis, so don’t look for him to really do any analytical thinking for himself.

All processing is done within, and you will never know all processing he does–you will only the result of each time of processing he does, as he will tell you….just don’t ask him questions, be there for him, love him, accept him for who he is now, and not for what you might think to want him to be.

He is within his ongoing emotional developmental process, and growing as he continues moving forward.
—–
I need to mention that he offered to pick our son up from camp last week and even attended the final program. I did find him asleep in his chair when I got there, but he was wearing a shirt I had purchased him and he said he was thankful as he had an unexpected meeting with his supervisors that morning. When I was at his apt (havent been there since last fall), I noticed some books on repairing marriages on his reading table (he had asked for those after I discovered the affair). They maybe for looks, but at least they are out along with his Bible and not hidden under a pile of laundry. It is so hard to watch someone live in such conditions and seem to be barely making it day by day, but this is what the Lord has brought into his path and he has to make it through. I want to thank you in advance for your kind words to others, your thorough understanding of this process and any insight you may have for me at this point.


**Try not to worry so much about him, he is in the best hands he can be in–God’s Hands, and as I’ve said in prior paragraphs, let him go, let God work on him, because he IS moving forward in his journey.

What you may see as barely making it day by day, may be the very best your husband can do, but be patient with him, and understand that a lot of his struggles are also due to serving serious consequences for his past actions against his marriage–and considering the books on marriage, I believe he’s looking at ways of repairing the damage he did, when he broke the fence, and only he can repair this in time.

As for you, Sweetie, you seem to be coping well in spite of everything, and I think you also need assurance things will be well, and I think with time, patience, love, forgiveness, and acceptance, they will be, although it will take a certain ‘friend’ of yours, whose name is TIME, to come through.

Above all, trust God for the future, and know that He continues to work within this same future–and though we may not always understand why things happen, we come to know that no matter what, God truly does love us and has our best interests at heart.

I hope all of this helps you, Lisa. May God bless you going forward according to His Riches in Glory.
So much love goes your way.
Love,
HB

Since 2002, Hearts Blessing has been a pioneer in the area of knowledge and information written about the Mid Life Crisis. The owner and author of https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org she writes articles that help people learn more about this confusing time of life. The main goal of this site is to help people know and understand that no matter what happens, every situation works out to the good of those who love the Lord, and are called according to His purpose. :)
Posts created 153

One thought on “Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Lisa

  1. HB,

    Thanks for your advice. Yes, you are right in that I have struggled staying out of the “way” and putting up my “fix this” mentality. You definitely hit on something when you said,….I am afraid he will not be accountable for the damage…..but as you pointed out (and I don’t think I have read this anywhere) he will eventually become accountable for it all as he finishes this process…I guess I thought he should immediately accept responsibility and accountability… I have also been on quite a journey and was really beginning to let go and make positive changes in my life about the time I stupidly followed him and discovered the affair. He was giving so many mixed signals and my emotions were taking a beating, so I just felt something was really way off…as he would call me on Fri afternoon and check in and tell me he loved me….but then disappear until Monday…then he would call Tues am…with the “I know I am stubborn” story….but anyway….I got what I deserved for snooping and I can never take those images away, but I CAN FORGIVE IT AND MOVE FORWARD. I am sorry, I got off track…what I am trying to say is that I have struggled with some depression over the past several months and since my oldest moved so far away, I have felt very low….I am beginning to see light again for myself and I have to make sure I take care of our youngest S14….I am 2 hours away from any of our family, but I have a couple of close friends that help me out. After BD, I GAL….I began doing things that I find fun….walking, baking, reading. H was going through our $ until I woke up and got it under control….to this day I handle all our bills and he directly deposits a portion of his paycheck to pay our bills. I did draw a line when I realized he had a credit card from his “escapades” and gave it to him to handle.. After 5 months of late charges, I helped him set it up on auto pay…. It seems like I have held it together until recently (maybe around time son said he was leaving …Feb) and I seemed to have just quit….I worked at an elementary school as a secretary so our youngest could go to a good school and I could be available to our kids (H always has maintained a crazy work schedule) , but after the 1st year, I started looking for a job that I could support me and the kids in….the Lord truly blessed me as a position became open in our Finance Dept of the same school district (which I am already paying into retirement) and I got the job and it tripled my salary. The Lord took that burden off of me and just in the past few months has my husband realized what I “do” as my picture was on some marketing stuff his plant received…and someone asked about his wife’s working in administration…..I just told him I was changing jobs and I would work longer hours, but our son was old enough to stay at home after school…..of course his MLC mind didnt care. I am going to try very hard to get back in the game and pull myself out of this low….prayer, encouragement from folks that understand, and God will see me through. I did want you to know that Paul called me yesterday at work and the first thing he said….I know you have been mad at me lately. I know you don’t understand everything, but you do understand a lot and that makes me Mad…(and he joked that he was sure I couldnt believe he would be mad about anything)…he then told me he had some airline ticket choices and would talk to me about them later. I kept it all lighthearted and calm and told him to have a great evening. Do you think that his offering to purchase me a ticket is his way of making things easier for me.?…as our oldest son and I have always been close, but I had to let him go also during all this craziness and I cant say that wasnt a blessing as he is a strong, independent, hard working young man. He even enrolled in individual counseling at his university so that he could understand this MLC and make sure he faced his issues as they appeared. I am so lucky in that regard. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers….Lisa

Comments are closed.

Related Posts

Begin typing your search term above and press enter to search. Press ESC to cancel.

Back To Top

Bad Behavior has blocked 1196 access attempts in the last 7 days.