Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Tosca_1

From Tosca via the feedback form

Dear HB, I have been led to your website from another forum where your work has featured….I am wondering whether you can help me. I received BD – via email while I was on holiday on the other side of the world – NYE 2013 96 weeks ago)….my partner was becoming emotionally distant and withdrawn over the past 12-15 months – irritable, argumentative, working away from home more. He emailed me NYE and said that he was depressed and it was because of me that he was – and that he needed to end our relationship for his own peace of mind – he wanted 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that some doors must close. I am now living with D12 in our own apartment – I have moved our things out of our house that we shared. Aside from some spewing, blaming (he accused me of stealing forks, knives and his shampoo and conditioner from the bath when I was moving out???) at the beginning he is now completely silent – no contact – it is almost as if D and I are deleted in favour of his new life with OW…. Any help would be greatly appreciated… Blessings Tosca

Dear Tosca,
Thank you for writing me. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it’s apparent your partner is going through a hard time. His blaming of you for everything that is not good in HIS life is part and parcel within the mid-life crisis. Understand that this is not true, and nothing he says will ever make it to be true. You know the truth, whilst he’s hiding from it. He could not own his own changing feelings, so he projected them onto you. The first thing I will tell you is don’t make his problem your problem.
The next thing, I have to ask-why did YOU move out? You weren’t the one who wanted out, your partner was.

If anybody should have left, he should have left. I can imagine he’s figured out by now, that his unhappiness hasn’t magically gone away since you were pushed out of his life. Why he’s silent and in no contact would be because he’s still waiting for that time when his unhappiness, depression, etc. will be “cured” by your departure. That won’t be the case at all-if anything, he should feel a whole lot worse because his guilt, shame, and apparent unworthiness of someone like you will continue bothering him, and it should. He really ought to be ashamed of himself for doing what he’s doing.

Now, you’re asking if I can help you, and the only real advice I can give you is to let him go, let God have this man to deal with. While you do that, simply learn to live your life forward, wait him out, without waiting on him. You could wait for years, or a lifetime, but you have no control over what he does, you only have control over what you do, your actions, and reactions/responses. You can’t make him do what’s right, you can’t make him love you, and so, for now, you would need to accept that he doesn’t wish to have you in his life for now.

This kind of behavior isn’t unusual for mid-life spouses, and I’ve seen this happen before. It all takes time before the mid-life spouse might come to realize that they’ve made a huge mistake in what they’ve done. Many people struggle with the fact that in the mid-life crisis, and even in life itself, there are never any guarantees, there is only hope, as long as there is love in one’s heart and human nature to consider.

I pray that he eventually realizes what a gem he has in you, Tosca. You have tried to be considerate of him, and he’s walked on you. Yet, instead of becoming bitter and angry, you’re still trying to figure what you can do to help him–and it’s obvious you don’t want to lose him completely. I understand that completely. It’s hard to understand that we’ve lost the mid-life spouse through no fault of our own. We didn’t ask for these things to happen, but they did, and so, we’re left to deal in ways that we don’t want to, but are forced to, because of the decisions of such a selfish person-the mid-life spouse.

For now, his feelings for you are buried deep beneath his wrong justifications for his total rejection of you, Tosca, and there’s not one thing you can do about that. I believe you might be asking me if there is something I can advise you that can help you bring this marriage back together, and until your partner wakes up, and begins making overtures toward you on his own, there really isn’t anything you can tangibly do that would help. However, you can reach out from time to time, as you choose to, and if you can do it without expectation, just to see what his reaction is.

If he reacts with more spewing, anger, blame, confusion…well, you’ll still know that he is still in Crisis. If he doesn’t respond at all, then you’ll know the same thing. However, either way, just prepare to wait him out, see what he does, and understand that the mid-life crisis is a process that takes time, and even when/if he begins reaching out again to you on his own, this won’t mean he’s completely done with his journey, it will only mean that he may be ready to continue his journey with you there, as opposed to him being alone at this point.

In the meantime, I suggest you begin walking your own journey toward wholeness and healing. When he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this about you, just like his mid-life crisis is about him. As you learn more about yourself, you’ll learn more about him, plus your past marital dynamics in that same process. Plus, you’ll also learn that you’ll need to save yourself first, that you can do nothing for him, and everything for yourself.

Learn everything you can about the crisis as a whole, so you’ll come to understand a whole lot more about this confusing time. Knowledge is power, and gaining knowledge can only help you understand so much more about this time of life.

I hope this helps.

Big Hugs!!
HB

Since 2002, Hearts Blessing has been a pioneer in the area of knowledge and information written about the Mid Life Crisis. The owner and author of https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org she writes articles that help people learn more about this confusing time of life. The main goal of this site is to help people know and understand that no matter what happens, every situation works out to the good of those who love the Lord, and are called according to His purpose. :)
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10 thoughts on “Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Tosca_1

  1. Dear HB,

    Thank you so much for your reply….I have been delayed in that I have only just seen it. I have been reading the articles on your site for the last month but have only just remembered my post. It was such a tonic to see your words and read your wise pieces of advice.
    It has been a very hard month. My partner has made no contact with me still and as every day goes by it hurts more and more. I do understand that I need to let him go and I have tried and am trying to do this. I( am not in contact with him and am trying to match his contact style.
    I know that he is seeing OW (she is 50, married with 4 children and a student (mature age) of his)…..he has also been to Berlin on a 2 week intensive language course and is performing around the country (he is a singer)…I have spent a good deal of time reading your posts on this forum and am interested in finding out more about the role of the OW in the crisis journey…..
    I am also interested in hearing your thoughts about male depression and its roots being in childhood experience. My partner had a very trying childhood; his father was a repeated and serial adulterer – his mother by all accounts was cold and emotionally removed but, at the same time, hysterical because of her husbands behaviour. When WAS’s father finally left the family home she suffered a breakdown and was hospitalised. WAS often told me of how, when he was in his mid teens he had to separate his parents from physically abusing each other – even in the Main Street or in the park in town. I am convinced that these unresolved issues must be playing a part in this.
    As for his depression he did say he was depressed NYE but since then, because he is maintaining NC, I cant really tell whether he is depressed still (or not). If anything, from what I have heard, he is living life to the full and getting out there……
    I am finding the NC hard (as I have obviously no6 fully let go). Whilst I understand that some relationships do not last I never thought that he would disappear from my life and my D’s life for good……I always had hoped we would at least be friends.
    As you say – I now have to accept that he does not want us in his life.
    My heart breaks…
    I am trying to get along – working, maintaining the house, looking after D…but I am tired…
    Re us moving out at the end of January – it was HIS house and I didn’t feel, after emailing me BD and in it warning me that whilst we were welcome to come back to what we thought was our home – he was intending to continue being there. At the time I was so distressed that I couldn’t imagine us all living together as we always have. So I moved D and myself into our apartment.
    He has shown no interest about how we are of even where we are..
    Its tough but I am very grateful for this site.
    Hugs
    T x

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Hello Tosca,

      Honey, you are fine that you hadn’t seen the answer to your comment until yesterday. I completely understand. People’s lives are infinitely more important than the Internet any day of the week. What worries me is people who never get off the internet, and people who don’t take a healthy break from a message board. When a person becomes an Internet Junkie (unless they work a job on the internet), trouble is around the corner. πŸ™‚

      I’m glad you came back to see what kind of answer I had for you. I didn’t take all of the feedback postings and write on them-most of them didn’t have specific questions, and I suspected some of them just wanted someone to listen, and that, too, is an OK thing for me to do. I always rely on my Intuition to let me know who needs what, and God knows the priorities for each one. I also try to be considerate, too, and answer every comment that comes in on this site, regardless, because people take the time to write, and the least I can do is take the time to answer them, regardless of what they have to say.

      This kind of format frustrates me sometimes because sometimes the replies will show up above a comment, or sometimes below a comment, and I never know which way a comment is going to post. I don’t have any control over which way a comment will show once I upload it. πŸ™‚

      It’s not uncommon for a mid-life crisis spouse to go “no contact” with the left-behind spouse/partner. I’m under the assumption that your partner is your significant other, or your spouse. You refer to him as your partner, and you were saying the house you left was his house, and so, I’m assuming that you two were cohabitating together, although you have a child together-correct me if I’m wrong about your 12 year old daughter.

      Either way, it really makes no difference. Some people seem to think that marriage makes a difference, but I can assure you that it doesn’t make any difference at all, within the feeling/relational aspect of the mid-life crisis. When the crisis spouse goes into Replay, any connections that held the relationship together are cut, broken, and the relationship is sent to its death, if only in their minds.

      The affair that most of them get into, must run its course, given time…and until it does, all you can do is do what you can for yourself, let them go, mirror their contact, or lack of contact, just as you’re doing now, and understand they, like you, have choices to make. We can’t make people do what we think is right-we can only do what we know is right for ourselves, while letting them go to do what they think is right for themselves.

      I imagine you’re probably worried that the longer you two are apart, the less likely you’ll come back together, but Tosca, you would have these same worries, if he had left the house the two of you have lived in for so long. Try not worry so much about what he’s doing, and put all that worry and focus on yourself. I appreciate your answer that helped me further understand why you moved out. I didn’t mean to come across as being nosy, nor did I mean to sound hateful, or even critical. I’m always curious to know why people do what they do, because there are usually other options to take, depending on circumstances. ((hugs))

      What I gather is you left, because you needed to heal for yourself, and you weren’t able to try to begin doing this while still living with him.

      So, here’s my thinking question for you-you left because you needed to heal away from him-why are you continuing to hurt more and more as each day passes? I believe I know why, and it’s because you can’t let him go, of course, and because you’re afraid of losing what has already been lost. As he has become different, his interests have begun to stray elsewhere for the time being, and this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

      If it weren’t you, it would have been someone else-people have a lot of trouble with this, and I understand it, because I was once in that situation, too. It’s hard not to equate what they do with ourselves, and if we haven’t learned that a person’s actions are driven by something within themselves, then we often think what they do is all about us (taking it personally), when really, it’s all about the person who does it against us.

      People don’t really do things “to” us to begin with. They act out against us, but in the end, they aren’t really hurting us, they’re hurting themselves. However, it takes time for us to catch up to this kind of reality. This aspect comes as we continue forward on our personal journey. I really did used to think that his actions were because of me, but I found that I wasn’t responsible for what he did-I was only responsible for what I did, whether in response, or as actions designed to help or even hurt myself going forward.

      The question I had to face was how was ME continuing to hurt going to “make” him do what was right? It wasn’t going to do one thing, except cause ME more stress, and his Crisis marched right on forward. I wasn’t hurting him, I was hurting ME. It took me quite a while to realize that all my crying wasn’t doing anything but making ME more depressed, and I had to face and accept the fact that he didn’t even care if I lived or died during that time.

      So, I had to decide to take the best revenge there was on hateful people, and it wasn’t to do anything to him, or even to myself–the best revenge was living better for myself. As I pulled myself out of the gutter of my own self-pity, and chose to start moving, in time, I started feeling better. It didn’t change what was happening, but I was choosing to make changes in myself…and change really does begin within YOU.

      I talk to people about what they can do for themselves,not because I’m bossy, or think I know everything, but because I’ve been there. The further understanding you seek in regards to your partner won’t come until you begin some of the necessary work upon yourself. Until you put him completely aside, let him go, then choose to target your deepest self, taking an honest look into the mirror of self-reflection, and learn to honestly see all that is wrong with you, and begin to work in earnest within yourself, you won’t begin to understand what drives your partner in the first place.

      I ran into this aspect, when it was me. My understanding of what drove a mid-life crisis spouse didn’t begin to really open until I truly let go of the mid-life spouse, and began focusing solely on myself. As I targeted the various areas within myself (and I had so very many), began this deep self-work in earnest, and began to heal some of these past core issues I contained within, I did begin seeing the reality of the man I had been with for so many years.

      It wasn’t a good view, either, because I was seeing from the viewpoint of my eyes being open wide, instead of eyes wide shut. We think we know someone, but until the Crisis comes forth, we do find that we really don’t know them like we think we do or did. I could sit here and take apart your description of your husband’s parents, and tell you what you want to know…in fact the answers are in some of my current articles, but your deeper understanding of him, who he is, what made him tick-won’t come, until you learn to understand yourself, and what drew you to him in the first place.

      The Other Woman is most likely the mother figure he was looking for, so he can relive a time when he didn’t receive unconditional love from his mother, and it’s apparent his mom and his dad were so absorbed within themselves that his emotional growth was stunted, as he was emotionally abandoned, time and time again. That’s not all, but that’s just a piece of it. What drew him to you-besides the fact that you are just like a major influencing factor in his young life-was the subconscious need or want for you to ‘fix’ him, make him whole, and no one can ever “fix” or “make” us whole. It is up to us to learn to do this for ourselves, just like it’s up to you to learn to fix yourself, target your own issues, and grow for YOU-not him, and not anyone else.

      You did have issues that complemented his issues, and his issues complemented yours-these did accomplish a completion of their own, as they meshed together for a long period of time. We are drawn to what is familiar, but we don’t understand at the time WHY they seem so familiar. This is also an aspect the mid-life crisis helps to bring out in us, if we will choose to see the truth of ourselves. Because both of you needed to fix yourselves, and didn’t do it before this time came forth, it was only a matter of time before this break would happen. If a relationship is all it was supposed to be, between both people, there would be NO need for the emotional crisis to ever happen.

      Learn to overcome the fear, Tosca, as being afraid of something that has already happened is counter-productive. He has already abandoned you, you’ve removed yourself to prevent further hurt, but your own uncertainty and fear of an uncertain future is keeping your hurt alive, and unwell at this point.

      You need to look at fears of abandonment within yourself, and seek to understand why he triggered these in you, and why this would hurt you as badly as it does. That doesn’t mean that hurt is “bad”..it’s not. We suffer hurts because of the decisions other people make that are beyond our control, we grieve for what could have been, and never was. However, there comes a time when one must needs to learn to gather their strength and begin walking forward, because if we continue to wallow, in time, this wallowing WILL hurt us, and destroy what’s left of our positive mental attitude…resulting in deep depression-and you don’t want to stay depressed, it’s not good for you.

      You can do this, I know you can. πŸ™‚

      You’re still in the early days of this hurt, but in time, this, too shall pass. I know, because I’ve been there too. It took me three months before I realized I could not control anyone but myself-and that was the first step of an emotional journey that eventually ended in one aspect, but began in another, and I’ve been walking it ever since, and as it stands, I will continue walking an emotional journey, in one form or another, until I leave this earth.

      Hopefully, this will help you further, Tosca. πŸ™‚

      ((hugs))

  2. Hi HB,

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
    I am so appreciative of the time nan effort you have given to my situation and for the wisdom and advice that you have offered.
    What you have written really resonates with me and makes me even more clear about what is going on with my partner at the moment. Issues and circumstances that I have questioned, doubted etc and situations that have left me confused, despairing, sad, at a loss to understand – you have really helped to clarify many things.
    I have taken the last few days to not only read your post here to me but also your replies to other posters and I am gradually coming to a series of realisations.
    However I would like to share a little more of my story with you in the hope that you will be able to perhaps offer a little more insight into the finer details of my situation.
    So firstly to clarify – my partner and I are not married – but he is without doubt my significant other. My D (12) is not his biological daughter but their relationship has been very close and he has, for all intensive purposes, been an active and willing/loving step father to her. I divorced from my ex-H and was single for over 3 years before I met my partner – I was single during that time on purpose – I wanted to work on myself and make sure that the person I was next involved with was a considered and intelligent choice.
    I met WAP (walk out partner) and we dated for a while before I was offered a job in his country (I was living abroad with D at the time) and I moved with D to live with him, at his insistence. We were all very happy and there was a sense of calm, peace, security and solidity.
    However after about 8-10 months I started to notice a SLIGHT change in WAP (this was about 18 months before BD). It was very slight – occasional quietness (he is quite a quiet and reserved man anyway) and a slight irritation towards me. However it was slight and we were still happily sharing our lives as a family (he also has two sons from his own marriage – he is divorced over 10 years – but they are in their mid-late twenties).
    During this time I was having some problems with my ex-H re child support and my mother, who visited us in June of 2012 – had two strokes very suddenly in quick succession and was hospitalised and needed to convalesce in his house – all putting enormous strain on us.
    Towards the end of 2012 (December) he started to get worse and the first BD occurred (I look back now and I do believe this was a mini BD of sorts). He became enraged over a small incident to do with him renting out one of the bedrooms in his house to a lodger and twisted it so far out of context that he ran away – emailed me the next day and said that the relationship was over – FINAL – accused me of needing therapy, accusing me of hating men, telling me that D and I needed to leave his property at once etc etc. I was shocked and very upset. there was HUGE spewing and monster and a great deal of anger – I was unclear as to where it was coming from at the time. He even refused, for no apparent reason except petulance, to pick D up from school despite us having arranged this and me depending upon it because I was at work at the time. He stayed away for over a week but eventually came home – he had calmed down after some serious intervention on my behalf by his best friend – and we talked and managed to work through things and to get back on track. However I did say to him that if tis happened again I couldn’t go through it again. At that time he was saying that his family and friends thought that he was depressed but he didn’t admit it himself – more that he felt everyone could see he was unhappy and he felt he deserved to find his happiness etc etc.
    After a talk he was very clear about how this could not happen again ad really tried to make a difference to our relationship. We went through 3-4 months of change and more harmony and stability – he seemed happy and secure on our decision.
    However around June 2013, while we were at a friends wedding in Spain – he started to become distant again. This was happening at the same time as him beginning to give OW (his music student – 50, married with 4 children) more lessons and was discussing things with her – probably not only about us but also about her own unhappy marriage (she was known for being unhappy in her marriage and made it clear that she was looking for something). This distance started to get progressively worse – he was becoming very irritable and angry with me – shutting me out – cold, distant, not wanting to participate in family events, starting to block out D who was really feeling the disconnect from him. He started to look for work away from home and was spending ore time with his sister and father who live four hours away (and very close to OW)…..I was starting to worry and panic and begged and pleaded but, as you have rightly said, it fell on deaf ears. He was becoming more unfeeling, more removed, more cold, more disinterested in me and D and started to speak about not being sure of his feelings – he couldn’t explain etc and was very angry when I asked him to try. Walked out of the room, yelled at me accusing me of being on a “kamikaze” mission to destroy our relationship when it was already fragile etc etc. Our intimacy was shutting down and he couldn’t look me in the face or hold my hand – something he did all the time previously.
    Two other things happened before the most recent and final BD- October 2013 and December 2013. In both cases he had what he described as a “turn” – the first when he had temporary amnesia as he was cycling to the shops – he couldn’t remember where he was or how to get home. The second, in December and two days before D and i were leaving for our Xmas trip abroad, when he couldn’t stand up, felt dizzy and got into bed and literally slept for 8 hours straight. Is this a sign of depression? Did these happen because the pressure was building up inside him (and the guilt of the OW and affair) and he knew he was going to BD when we were away visiting our family?
    Even though I can clearly track this time line leading to final BD I was still utterly shocked when it happened on New Years Eve 2013. What I do honestly believe is that when WAP admitted in the most recent BD that he WAS depressed (and that I was the cause of his depression) that he was telling the truth.
    He also said in the BD email that he needed time to think about things. I do not think this was a cop out – I think this was also true. He stated in the same sentence that he only wanted me to communicate by email as he couldn’t “cope with any verbal or emotional pressure”.
    I couldn’t go back into our home (his house) when D and I returned because I was traumatised and in shock. I was shaking, not sleeping, eating etc (this was only 4-5 days after BD). I needed to protect myself if I had any hope of also protecting D through this.
    He didn’t flinch and he hasn’t since. No concern about where we are or how we are. Whilst i haven’t heard officially that OW and him our in a relationship they are in all other ways and he seems to be infatuated by her. Me and D, on the other hand, are deleted, ignored etc etc.
    I instinctively felt that I needed NC to heal and, even though I struggle every day, I know in my heart that it is the right response to his silence. It is now for him to work through and decide whether I/we mean ANYTHING to him. Whether the feelings are still there, buried, or just not there at all. Ironically in the decline before BD he was ADAMANT that he wanted the relationship to continue, despite his growing detachment, saying that we needed to give things time to work out and we needed to stay together. Yet he ended it so brutally and without any looking back???
    I am so confused at times……
    Do you think WAP is in Replay? If so was the Dec 2012 the REAL BD and the one on NYE further BD and now he is silent because he is deep in the tunnel (middle of Replay). Or are we at the beginning of Replay? Is it understandable in your opinion that he has gone completely silent?
    Is WAP in depression?
    I will write more in a little while (more comments re some of your points in your last post) but would appreciate your feedback.
    At this point I am determined to stand – I do love him and believe in him…
    Blessings
    T x

  3. PS – HB…do you think there is, if any, significance in the fact that he used the words “rejuvenation, new beginnings and doors that needed to be closed” as an example of depression, wanting a new life and Replay?
    Is this common script (in tandem with OW/affair) at BD?
    Blessings
    T x

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Hello Tosca, πŸ™‚

      You’ll find the answers to both your comments here as you follow the
      continuation of Tosca’s Situation.

      Hopefully this will help you further. πŸ™‚

      Love,
      HB

  4. Thanks so much HB – I appreciate your advice – very much.
    I am struggling at the moment, teary and anxious, and want to sit quietly with your replies and the many articles here to try to fully ingest what is happening here….
    I will write more very soon but for the moment need to take on board what has been written so far.
    Love and blessings to you HB
    T x

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Tosca,
      You’re welcome, Sweetie.

      ((hugs))

  5. Hi HB,

    I have been reading and re-reading your posts and reflecting on all that you have written and how it fully relates to my life, both past and present.
    I know I wrote a few days ago and mentioned that I was going to write a few more thoughts but I actually have a few added questions if you would perhaps take a moment when you can to respond.

    Childhood issues – MLCer

    My WAP, as I have written previously, had a very difficult upbringing. His mother had a nervous breakdown due to WAPs fathers affairs with other women, some blatant, some covert. The day WAPs father finally walked out on them – wife and four children – was the day that she collapsed. There were days when the children visited her at ten hospital and the father would drive them there but stay in the car and let the children go in by themselves. Mother and Father were physically, emotionally and verbally abusive in front of the kids – WAP had to regularly separate them fro scratching each other. I never met WAPs mother but from what I understand she was extremely emotionally cold and told her children she never wanted them – never even wanted to marry – and that her primary function in life was to clean the house and cook the food. WAPs mother died before I met him, her heart wall caved in.
    WAPs father is still alive and before BD I had a lot to do with him, we regularly visited him and I used to sit and talk with him, buy him gifts etc. He is a wonderful conversationalist. Interestingly WAP is so eager for his attention and love (WAP is 62, his dad is 89) but his Dad still is emotionally removed – goes to bed at 5pm every evening and if WAP was visiting him he was left all evening with no company and no apology.
    WAPs father married again but also divorced again. He is still courting many women at his age and doesn’t look like he is going to slow down…

    Affairs – MLCer

    WAP has a history of affairs – both in his first marriage and after divorce. This fact fills me with concern that this is not merely MLC but something far more deeply rooted and problematic.
    By all accounts WAPs wife threw him out once she had discovered the affairs, his next relationship also failed for a similar reason. There is one women who WAP had defaulted to over a long period of time – I suspect she could also be in the mix even now AS WELL as OW…
    I have no doubt that WAP is rotating the search for the unconditional love that his mother never gave him…in this way I believe that the current OW is no different.
    WAP also has a history of looking at porn and is obsessed with social media and being on his computer – socially avoidant tactics and ones that are devoid of real intimacy.

    Projection

    I was very interested to read your newly posted article about projection.
    WAP has been utterly silent for 2 months but prior to that was spewing and projecting blame such as:

    ” I do not understand why Tosca has not emailed me (this is after just one day after BD email and after EXPRESSLY informing me that he didn’t want me to contact him) – I dont understand it. She has shown no remorse, no sadness, no regret, no understanding – nothing. How odd!”

    then – during one of the days in which I was trying to move our belongings out of our home/his house

    ” I am highly distressed Tosca to find that you have been stealing my possessions. Whilst I assume this is a mistake I want your written confirmation this evening that you will return the following items:

    1) My stock pot ( bought for only Β£5)
    2) Four forks and four knives that I bought with my supermarket vouchers
    3) My shampoo and conditioner from my bath

    ????

    Since then – absolute silence…
    There has also been absolute silence from all our mutual friends and his family (D and I are particularly feeling the loss of his sons, whom we were very close to. Also his best friend who has been a wonderful support to me over the years).

    I am trying to read and rest and reflect HB but today has been hard. I went to Mass and prayed for hope, strength, courage and patience.
    I love WAP but it is painful to keep in the place I am in…
    Thankyou for your support.
    Love
    T x

  6. Dear HB,

    I haven’t been on the forum for a while – I have been wanting to reflect on all that you have said – it has been such a comfort and very educational. Its really made me think long and hard to be honest.
    I have had some news relayed to me over the last few days that I would really appreciate your advice about – would you mind?
    My daughter and I spent yesterday with WAPs brother. We are very close with him – he is a wonderful man – very compassionate and very supportive of us. He suffered similar things to WAP in their childhood but has taken a different path to WAP- deciding to go into therapy and address the issues as he wants to be a better quality version of what he could be if he allowed their childhood to affect him.
    He passed on a discussion that he had had recently with their sister (who I have also been close with but not heard anything from so far since BD). Apparently WAP had asked to bring OW to sisters house for a dinner. Their sister was angry and refused – saying that she didn’t want a woman there unless WAP was serious about it. She explained to WAP that she didn’t want another situation where she bonded with someone (like me) and then they were “guillotined and dispensed with” out of their lives. She then pushed WAP to admit his true intentions with OW. He admitted that he wasn’t serious about her and that she was transitionary AND – wait for it – that he is also seeing other women at this time too!!!!
    When WAPs brother told me this I was speechless.
    I do not know whether this is normal MLC behaviour? Is it better to have an MLCer who is infatuated with one OW or one that seems to have OW – AND OTHERS?????
    I feel as if I am more and more disconnected from him now. He is not the man that I knew and trusted, I never hear anything from him and by all accounts he never mentions me or D.
    HB – it is so hard when there is silence. I know I have to let go and let Him take charge. But when your MLCer is running around with this sort of behaviour where do you find ANY hope?
    Thanks flor listening HB – I really appreciate it
    Love and hugs
    T xx

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Hello Tosca,

      What you’re saying doesn’t surprise me at all.

      I do not know whether this is normal MLC behaviour? Is it better to have an MLCer who is infatuated with one OW or one that seems to have OW – AND OTHERS?????

      It’s not uncommon for the typical mid-life spouse to show the teenage trait of a “wandering eye” during this time. It’s also not uncommon for them to not only be deeply involved in an affair, but also to be cheating while in that same affair. It’s like they have no shame, morals, or scruples–but then, remember, this is all about them-and has nothing to do with the trail of broken hearts they leave behind in their wake of destruction. They may be within a “committed” affair, but still be “looking around”, because absolutely nothing satisfies them due to their emotionally restless nature during this time of transition/crisis.

      This is also part of their quest to try and find the unconditional love they never had when they were children, and it’s part of them looking for a companion that’s a “fit” for them–however, in this particular quest, they are gambling everything that was good in their lives, and during this time they don’t even realize it. I’m not saying it’s right, but that is how they are, and how they so often do. Somewhere within them, they KNOW the OW isn’t all she should be, and they know the affair won’t last forever, but because of the inherent weakness that’s part and parcel within their crisis–they’ll push the situation to the very limits, and get everything they can get out of it, before figuring out that everything they do is continuing to lead them right down a dead-end road.

      This is even true of all of the other “running” behaviors they engage in during Replay–there is an absolute rock bottom they have to hit, before they will hopefully begin to wake up to what they are doing.

      The best thing one can do is wait to see what will happen–and that’s if you choose to wait, without waiting, and stand, without standing still. Your WAP has to figure all of this out for himself–you know you can’t do it for him.
      People can talk sense to them until they are blue in the face, but until the mid-life person sees this for themselves, all of the sensible talk goes right over their heads.

      I know I have to let go and let Him take charge. But when your MLCer is running around with this sort of behaviour where do you find ANY hope?

      Two places–within God, who knows all things, and within yourself, who learns to trust in God for what’s ahead. No, there are no guarantees, but there is always hope as long as you still love this man, and are willing to continue standing for yourself. All you can do at this time, is continue working on yourself, Tosca. If it should come to a time when you are to stop standing for this man, you will know–you think you won’t, but you will, too, because God will help you to know and understand what you must do for yourself.

      You really do find that you have just as much “decision-making” power, as your mid-life S/O holds within his hands. You can decide to do whatever you decide to do, just like he does. You’ll find that you don’t have to do anything you don’t choose to do. You have to ask yourself these things– What do YOU want? What do YOU need? Do you want to continue waiting, or do you want to move forward for yourself, and let all of this go?

      It’s not an easy thing to decide when a situation doesn’t look at all right. When a person isn’t sure of what to do, the best thing to do for a time is NOTHING, because in time, the answer will come, if you decide to wait for a time. All answers lie within yourself–and it takes time to learn how to access these for yourself, but every answer you need for your situation, lies within God, and yourself. There is no other place you can look to find what you need.

      People often don’t realize that they really do know what to do, it’s only matter of learning to trust God, yourself, your instincts (which include your Intuition), and learn to put all of the focus upon yourself, and let go of all that you cannot control—because you can’t control this situation, Tosca, only your WAP can figure this out for himself. You can’t do one thing for him, but everything for yourself.

      It’s quite hard to understand something your state of mind can’t conceive. However, I sincerely doubt your WAP understands this, either–he just knows he’s driven to do what he’s doing, and he KNOWS it’s wrong, but does it anyway, because of emotional weakness within himself.

      Let him go, focus on you, and trust God for the future, Sweetheart–it’s all you can do.

      I hope this helps.

      ((hugs))

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