The Unwanted Emotional Bomb

Nuclear Bomb Explosion

No matter who you are, or where you originally came from, you need help.  You do not care where you get it as long as you can find a place to receive it.  Desperately you search, and it seems all your efforts, repeatedly, end in vain. 

Your spouse has all of a sudden made a statement designed to end your marriage.  Yet, they do not leave—not yet.  On the other hand, they may go on and walk out, but call you later in an attempt to “explain” this strange behavior.

 Based on conflicting information provided, they say their feelings have changed, or they say they still love you, but are not in love with you, but suffer from the inability to provide any real concrete reason or clear explanation for this seemingly sudden emotional change that has come out of nowhere.

Their words are confused, disjointed, and their minds seem to “jump” from one subject to the next.

Whether they return or not at that point, they become extremely distant, completely hateful, flinch if you touch them, act strange if you cry in front of them.  They will even hang up on you when you call and try to reason with them.  Worst of all, they act as if you are the last person on this earth they would ever want to be associated with.

None of this was true in the years preceding this direct dropping of the “emotional bomb”, as it is often termed within various internet circles, forums, and various self-help books and articles.  As far as you knew, things were fine, nothing was wrong, and you figured if something were wrong, your spouse would tell you, right? RIGHT?

Your mind whirls in a dozen different directions while you think frantically on how to remedy the situation.

Up until this time, you really thought you knew your spouse as well as you could know anyone, but when this happens, everything you thought you knew disappears in a flood of tears, confusion, uncertainty, and quite honestly, you do not know what you are going to do.

You are devastated, you did not see this coming, you do not understand, you cannot sleep, eat, nor concentrate on the simplest every day things.  If your spouse has spoken of wanting a divorce, or if you have discovered another person, you think, feel that it is all over, and the handwriting is on the wall.  In spite of your apparent devastation, after begging, pleading, and crying, with no positive results, you feel it is best to move on, go ahead, and end the marriage.

However, you find you are unable to take this final step.  You know if you do, it could spell the total end of your relationship, and you could never get it back.  You become rooted to the spot in total fear, not to mention feeling very alienated, and you wonder how this could have happened.

You find yourself beginning the cycle through emotions you never thought you would ever feel.  You feel sick, alienated, betrayed, unable to function, and in spite of the initial decision you have made, you find yourself waffling, and all these aspects combined, cause you to begin riding an emotional rollercoaster that leaves  you confused, very disoriented and so much more sick.

In order to try to fix the situation, you begin, not asking, but demanding that your spouse stop this nonsense.  You go further, attempting to rationalize the situation as a whole, by suggesting that maybe they have had a temporary breakdown of some kind, they need help; and you end it with a plea, they just cannot do this to you.  You continue to try your best to make them see reason, while they either throw a tantrum, or worse, laugh at you when you become angry because they are not listening. 

As the various skirmishes continue, you pull out every emotionally charged weapon you have within your vast arsenal.  After all, these had worked in the past hadn’t they?  Secure within your reasoning that these should work in this situation, you begin to work in earnest.  From trying to incite guilt and shame to appealing to their sense of fair play, you do everything you can to change this unacceptable state of mind, all to no avail.  Finally, in a last ditch effort, and for good measure, you even bring up the children, and how this would affect them, but nothing works, your spouse continues turning away.  The more angry, and miserable you become, the more justified the spouse feels.  After all, if you were not reacting in this way, they would not feel the need to distance themselves.

If they do choose to speak at any great length, you are shocked to hear blame being directed at you.  You are supposed to understand their needs, but you do not meet these for them.  They are no longer attracted to you; they repeat again that their feelings have changed, and are never going to change back.  They can even swear they are “done” with you.  Accusations you have never heard in your life begin to fly as your spouse begins to pick up verbal and emotional speed.

According to their self-imposed justifications, you are at fault for everything.  If you had not done this, your spouse would not have done that.  They say if they cannot get away from you, they will die.  They even go as far as saying they never loved you, never should have married you, nothing within the marriage itself was ever good, and they are not willing to give you the chance to “fix” whatever it was that you had done to “cause” them to become this way toward you.

Alternatively, if there is another person, the spouse states in a seemingly calm and clear-headed way, that person understands them, knows them, will be so much better for them, than you are, or would be.  Some spouses even go as far as describing how this other person is really their true “soul mate”, and also describe how they feel so much better, more “alive” when they are with them, and you stand there in deeper shock, stop listening, or walk out of the room, because you just can’t stand to hear anymore.  You finally see there is no arguing with someone whose state of mind seems to be in one set place.

Within a short period, the “emotional” divorce becomes complete, and your marriage is definitely within the grip of an emotional crisis you neither asked for, nor started. 

You can be sure, however, that life as you once knew it has ended, and nothing will ever be the same ever again. 

Therefore, you are searching the internet for material to help you figure out what is happening now, to help you understand more, and this is one place you can get the help you need.

 If they are between the ages of 35 to 55, your spouse is navigating through what is called the mid life transition.  Because of the various mistakes the spouse makes early in, by the time you find this blog, they will have already transformed their transition into a crisis.

This same crisis will last 3 to 5 to even 7 years, if not longer, or shorter.  To be sure, there is always some disagreement on the length; but as I have written many times in the past: As each person is different, each crisis is different.  What one will do another will not.  You may see situations that are very similar to your own, but you will never see a situation that is just like yours. 

During this time, the emotional rollercoaster ride will get extremely bumpy, the spouse in crisis often gets completely out of hand, and you have mostly likely already found there is not one thing you can do, or say, to convince your spouse to end this and return to the more comfortable life you once knew.

What you want so badly is not going to happen.  Change has already invaded your life, and nothing will ever be the same again.

As I close, I will leave you with this statement: There is HOPE for your situation, no matter what it may be.  As long as love remains within your heart, and you become willing to give them a chance to come through this on their own, there will always be hope.  

Stay tuned, because in the future articles, more information will be forthcoming on this very real, but often totally misunderstood trial. 

BIG HUGS!!

Love,

HB

Since 2002, Hearts Blessing has been a pioneer in the area of knowledge and information written about the Mid Life Crisis. The owner and author of https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org she writes articles that help people learn more about this confusing time of life. The main goal of this site is to help people know and understand that no matter what happens, every situation works out to the good of those who love the Lord, and are called according to His purpose. :)
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9 thoughts on “The Unwanted Emotional Bomb

  1. Thank you HB for writing this article, The Unwanted Emotional Bomb, it is as if you were in my head a describing what I went through two years ago. You are a blessing to us.

  2. HeartsBlessing says:

    Sassy, I appreciate your comment, and I also appreciate the opportunity to begin to get these articles out in a way that hopefully will lead to someone else also being helped. 🙂

    BIG HUGS!!

    Love,
    HB

  3. surprisedbyjoy777 says:

    Hi Heartsblessing, I have been going through this since April 12,2013 (Bomb drop). The information is very informative. It gives me hope. My husband moved into his Mother’s basement 3 month’s ago. Left everything. No sign of OW yet. Opposite of who he was. Never even got along with his mother. It is like we have switched places. He treats me like he used to treat his mother. He has been drinking. He sends me money but wants no contact except an occasional email. Pretty brutal. Blessings

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Hi Surprisedbyjoy777,

      I’m sorry to read what you’re going through. I’ve been there, and I understand how you feel. Remember, there is hope as long as you still love him. My best advice is to give him the space he needs to work himself out during this time. Take the time you’ve been given to grieve out the death of your marriage, and when you’re ready, start taking the emotional journey that has also been written about on this site. This will take time, and lots of it, to hopefully resolve, but know that God is with you, and regardless of what happens, you are going to be all right. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but in time, you’ll come to know this for yourself.

      Big Hugs!!
      Love,
      HB

  4. surprisedbyjoy777 says:

    I cried all the way through this. Bomb drop on 4-13-2013. Thank you.

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      I wish I could reach out and hug you SO hard, but this will have to do:

      ((((((((((surprisedbyjoy777))))))))))

      You’re going to be all right, you gotta believe that. Things will get better, given some time.

      Much love,
      HB

      1. surprisedbyjoy777 says:

        Thank you so much. I know God is helping me through. Your hug and website is helping me so much. He moved to Va. on October 1,2013. I had a positive sign today that I am doing the right thing by waiting and praying for him. He said he is miserable up there, too. So, a slight insight that he needs to work on him, not change surroundings. I know this is going to be a long journey. I am buckling my seat belt and believing that, like you said, that I am on my own journey and so is he. We actually laughed on the phone for the first time in months today because I changed and did not bring up relationship issues. . So, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your blog. It is helping me as I am asking for God’s wisdom of how to handle this trial. I did everything wrong for the first 8 months. Now, I am understanding more and keep hearing God say Be still and know that HE is God. He is taking care of me and my husband. He can make beauty from all these ashes.
        Hugs

  5. Hi Heartblessing,

    While I was reading this it feels like I am describing myself. After the bomb has been dropped I have done every begging I could for my partner of 10 years to go back, even threatening to hurt myself. It just hurts so much to imagine her with someone else. It actually started when she keeps asking me for financial help to tummy tuck but if I do this we will be in deep financial debt just to satisfy one need, although it would not be a problem if i was rich but i am not. Then she started going out with her new found friends and it drove me nuts when she doesnt ask for permission anymore. Started to go back home very late…1 am then 2am, 3am and now does not go back home till the next day and this became a habbit. She does this once or twice a week while i am getting tortured with anxiety attacks on where she is, i am not being able to sleep. This leads to fights every single time she comes home the next day because i keep asking why she didnt even bother calling me or texting me on how/where she is. When shes home shes angry at the kids and so angry at me just because i am there. i cannot even touch her because she shrivells when i do! She also states that she would rather die than be with me, that hurt me soo much because I love this woman and would do everything that i can for her. Anyway, I am just venting because it is so frustrating. She is moving now in a few months she said after she is forcing me to sell our house and give her money. I keep refusing to sell the house because i dont want to leave and i dont want to bother getting another place where i have my own place now. But shes asking money so she can start over so she is forcing me. By the way, we bought the house together but every single monthly mortgage, every bill i have shouldered from the start I have not asked her for anything but she is in this dillusion that i am asking for favors, that she feels i entrapped her to be in debt to me because i help her financially where I am happy with all my heart to just help her just because i love her. Anyway i am just down right now but thanks to your article it enlightens me a bit. I guess i just have to let her go and find her way, she said i can visit her when she moves out but this is hard to believe. Ohh well, As you said I cannot get back what is already lost. I am just praying to be strong. Thanks again for the article, it hit me on the spot.

    1. HeartsBlessing says:

      Hello Kel,

      I would probably need to write an article on setting firm behavioral boundaries-your wife wants out of the house, and you don’t want her to go, but she’s trying to manipulate you into financing her running—OK, so you’re not obligated to provide her with the money to run away-she can get that herself by working-like most of us have to. She can’t do to you what you don’t allow her to do to you. You do not have to do anything you don’t choose to do, and if you let her have her way every time, she will become worse and worse, demanding more and more. I don’t see one word about you having been court-ordered to do all that she is demanding from you, so unless you’ve been court-ordered, don’t do anything-flat refuse to cater to her demands. That is a boundary in itself. If you’re not comfortable with what you feel you’re being “forced” to do, DON’T DO IT…she might get that much angrier at you, but hey, she really can’t hurt you with her anger, and if she walks out, that’s on her in the first place.

      I understand you’re afraid of losing her, but dude, you’ve already lost her-and it’s up to her to find herself, or not.

      Don’t take her antics personally-they’re not about you in the first place-it’s all about her. In the end, again, set boundaries to protect yourself, and let her go to find her way, but don’t enable her, please don’t give her money designed to support your family to your spouse to waste on herself. Let her fall on her face-sometimes that’s the best way anyone can learn. It’s hard to set limits when you’re still getting caught up in what is their drama–detach yourself completely, you can’t do anything about what she’s doing-detachment’s the only way you’re going to regain your sanity. So get out of her drama, get off the roller coaster, and let her go to do her worst. You can’t fix her, because you didn’t break her in the first place.

      I hope this helps.

      ((hugs))

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