From a forum post written previously by me, edited for continuity, content, and flow.
I am really beginning to understand the reason for the similarities within the behaviors of the mid-life spouse and the left-behind spouse as each one approaches the crisis. These point to the same journey both people must take to resolve, settle and heal the issues within that are, not surprisingly, the same within each person.
The circumstances that would bring these forth may, and will, vary, but most of the issues within each person are the same; bringing about the same kinds of behavior.
On the other hand, if certain behaviors and comments made by each mid-life spouse were not the exact same or very similar, in spite of the differences in circumstances/situations, the actual condition would NOT be recognized clearly by others who have walked this road before.
The Hallmarks of the Mid-Life Crisis will always remain:
1. The Emotional Bomb Drop that marks the start of the journey for the left-behind spouse, but NOT the mid-life spouse,
2. The various ways of saying “I Love You But Not in Love With You”, evidencing deep confusion about their feelings that had been so clear before,
3. The total withdrawing from the left-behind spouse the mid-life spouse effects,
4. The clear running behaviors that can include, but are not limited to, the mid-life crisis affair.
5. Last, but not least, the clear rebellion that is observed within the mid-life spouse against everything they ever believed in, including the left-behind spouse, not to mention a great deal of spewing, confusion, rewriting of history that deeply confuses the left-behind spouse. The left-behind spouse knows what they are hearing is NOT correct.
There is also evidence of the “dark side” vs. the “light side” within each mid-life spouse who experiences the ‘opposite behaviors’ that are also so clearly seen.
I have not listed the depression that is in evidence throughout, but the left-behind spouse does NOT see this type of hallmark until they begin to learn what depression entails.
Whereas, what I have listed above is clearly seen/heard/experienced by the left-behind spouse from the first time the he or she becomes aware of what has happened.
I have also not listed just plain confusion, but included it in the “speech” -“I love you but I’m NOT in love with you,” because confusion exists, regardless of what they do. Confusion shows more in the behavioral patterns within the realm of their emotions.
Confusion in other areas certainly comes forth as the crisis process moves forward, and they will “branch out” in their various wanderings; sometimes wandering even deeper within the confusion that reigns within.
These “hallmarks,” seen, either all at one time, or in pieces, is what sends the left-behind spouse for help. Without these signs, the left-behind spouse will not know to ask for help, and it does not matter whether they decide to take said help or not.
The fact is these consistent signs of the mid-life crisis will NOT change, because it alerts the ones who have gone this way before, to what has happened, so they can begin to guide the left-behind spouse onto the path of their journey.
From a spiritual point of view, I can see how God works within these life’s events as well, having chosen certain “landmarks” or “hallmarks” to clearly identify a time of life that all will go through in various aspects.
The above is why the similarities/sameness is there, something always has to show as a “marker.” It is very similar to how and when you are trying to figure out someone’s mental illness, for example. There are “Hallmarks,” and “Sign Posts,” to look for, so you can identify various symptoms for diagnosis. It is the same with the mid-life crisis.
The only difference is the true aspect written about the crisis being “masked” by various mental illnesses. Yet, the starting hallmarks/signs are always the same; these cannot be hidden completely. They are always seen, even if not recognized by the left-behind spouse from the first.
On the other hand, certain people seem to be “immune” to what happens during the Transitional period, and their change ends up being nothing more than a “blip” on life’s radar screen. These people have already learned Life’s Lessons; they have already attained these necessary tools, having learned these in other situations, long before this time came about.
Therefore, they have nothing further to learn/attain during this particular time, so, they just make a few necessary changes as their individual lives dictate, a ‘course adjustment,’ nothing major, then, walk on.
Not every case, I have seen has been a clear mid-life crisis. Some cases have been an emotional type crisis that did not last long, triggered by a life’s event. However, these exceptions did not trigger the deeper aspects of a true mid-life crisis.
I have seen other cases that were evidence of true mental illness, and some have been patterns of running for their entire lives trying to find perfection in relationships where it did not exist.
For some, their continued emotional running has not stopped; they have been this way for their whole lives. However, during mid-life, everything caught up with them, resulting in a major mid-life crisis.
So, some have issues that will stretch all the way back, (from the point of entering the tunnel when they found themselves in denial, going deeper as anger overtakes them), to their childhood where it all began. These are the hardest to deal with, as their problems have never caught a break in continuity.
