Recently, I saw a post from someone who was looking for an article that I’d not written. 🙂 However, it contained a question that gave me the inspiration I needed to write this article. 🙂 I’ll explain more in the article below:
Did you ever find the article about being faithful to the other woman (OW)?
To my credit, I have never written any article about an adulterous midlife spouse being “faithful” to the affair partner. I’ve mentioned emotional addiction, but that’s not the same thing you’re asking about. It’s ridiculous to write about a midlife spouse being “faithful” to an affair partner, when the midlife spouse is actually being UNfaithful to their own spouse.
They take that concept of faithfulness, and twist it into something it’s not–they leave one relationship, and jump into another, just to make sure the emotional deck is stacked in their favor. The midlife spouse doesn’t care which person they’re with, as long as their needs are taken care of, because this is what it’s all about–their needs, their wants, and it’s all about them.
Truthfully, in the state of mind they are in, the midlife spouse doesn’t have the emotional, moral or ethical foundation to even know how to be “faithful” to anyone—not even themselves. They have NO respect for anyone, not even themselves. No self-respecting person is going to get into an affair, dishonor, disrespect and emotionally destroy themselves in that same process.
I’d like to think people have more respect for themselves than that, but the midlife spouse has NONE. They’re entitled, greedy, users, abusers, controllers, manipulators, showing deep immaturity, and they’ve destroyed everything in their wake, right down the marriage they abandoned, when they decided they weren’t married anymore.
The left behind spouse didn’t get a choice, a say, or any input into what their vow-breaking, adulterous, and dishonorable midlife spouse chose to do. Considering their sinful actions, could you even say that the midlife spouse would even understand what being “faithful” really means? Of course not! They pay lip service to a lot of things, but their actions don’t show you anything–and as we know, actions speak a whole lot louder than words ever will.
NO, they’re not faithful to the affair partner at all. In case you’ve not noticed, there are stories that speak of the midlife spouse being with the affair partner AND with the left behind spouse. The midlife spouse is not faithful to either person. IF they had any idea of what true faithfulness was, they would not still be married to someone else, while squiring the affair partner around town. The standard rule governing people who cheat/commit adultery says this: “If they will cheat with you, they will also cheat on you!” I have seen the truth of that statement in more situations than I could count over time.
Now, where in that true statement does it say, they will be “faithful” to the affair partner? You can’t point it out, because it’s NOT there. Cheaters/Adulterers are totally dishonorable, and completely disloyal. People with very low standards, who get entangled with people who are married, but not to them, are also highly immoral.
Allow me to point out six things that are missing within an illicit extramarital affair, regardless if it’s a midlife crisis affair, or an immature affair:
There may be a few more I’ve missed, but these are the main aspects an affair does not have.
Keep in mind that I wrote nothing about “love”–because love has nothing to do with the dynamics of an affair. What you see, does NOT show love, in its true form.
For what it’s worth, love and commitment are NOT the same.
Love–unless you’ve Chosen to Love–is a only one of many feelings one can hold within their heart. Feelings tend to wax and wane over time, and emotional feelings cannot be counted on to weather the storms of life, and not fail or fade. You need a solid commitment for those storms. Commitment is a choice you make, that replaces the feelings of love, when your love has been destroyed. Commitment is the “glue” that holds a relationship together in times of crisis, when love is missing, or isn’t there. There is neither love, nor commitment contained within a midlife affair.
The so-called “love” the illicit couple claims to have is actually a short-term infatuation, also known as “True Luv” and it is not meant to last, because it doesn’t contain the qualities that actual LOVE has within it. This immature foundation is made of sand, and when the storms of life come to batter against it, the sand will crumble, and wash away.
Since there is no commitment beyond the emotional addiction to feelings, when trouble comes, the couple will break down, because immaturity cannot deal with problems that demand a mature response. Food for thought.
On my own part, I don’t write anything that shows the situation as being stacked in favor toward the affair partner. If I ever wrote that the midlife spouse was even showing “faithfulness” toward the affair partner, be it man OR woman, that would be a total SLAP in the face to a truly faithful, loyal and deeply committed left behind spouse.
It’s wrong to take an honorable aspect like “faithfulness” and apply it to the affair partner, who has not earned this aspect. In my own eyes, loyalty, and faithfulness is totally twisted by the midlife spouse. What the midlife spouse might call loyalty, and faithfulness, is actually control, and manipulation.
I won’t write anything that would hurt the left behind spouse, and make them feel like they’ve been thrown in the trash in favor of an affair partner. The left behind spouse is NOT trash, they’re Golden, they’re Worthy, they hold themselves to a Higher Standard than the affair partners in this world, who have no idea what faithfulness that shows a true commitment within a relationship actually means. All the affair partner knows is control, manipulation, emotional blackmail, and clinging in desperation to someone they never had a right to, were never married to, and are using for what they can get from that person.
While I understand that all people are human beings, and that good people do bad things every day, I don’t condone articles that “sing the praises” of the affair partner, as if that affair partner is someone important, because they’re NOT important. They are only a minor player in a major midlife crisis, and they’re never worth the head space the left behind spouse is often manipulated into giving them.
I’ve written before that the left behind spouse is often manipulated into believing a lie–that the affair is their fault, when, no, it’s not the betrayed spouse’s fault, it’s the adulterer’s fault. There are people who prey on those obsessions of the left behind spouse who doesn’t know yet that it’s enough to know the midlife spouse is in an affair. And, the left behind spouse, in the early days after the unwanted emotional bomb drop doesn’t yet know there is nothing they can do about it, except learn to put the sole focus on themselves, and understand that the affair must run its course, for however long it will take to do so. Most unfortunately, there are many unsavory articles written on this “running behavior” that’s the most often utilized during the midlife crisis–and it’s the one the left behind spouse internalizes, and blames themselves for, the most. It’s a shame, because there are many heartbroken people looking for answers. I wish the affair didn’t happen, but unfortunately, it does. ((HUGS))
In the meantime, I encourage all of you to walk your journeys, and understand that there will never be another you in this lifetime. The midlife spouse will never have another opportunity to have another you–no one can take your place, and no one can ever replace you. You are all beautiful, unique, smart, loving, faithful, loyal, honorable, and pure in the Eyes of God. The sooner you learn, and believe, that what the midlife spouse has done is not about you, and all about them, the more quickly you can begin moving away from the hurt, the damage, the destruction, and begin rebuilding yourself, as God meant for you to be in Him.
In my parting remarks–I only explain midlife spouse’s behaviors, I do NOT condone NOR do I speak in terms of healthy commitment when I’m talking about cheaters, adulterers, and rebellious midlife spouses. There is no such thing as sharing a”healthy commitment,” with, or being “faithful” to, the affair partner in my book of knowledge.
This “pseudo-faithfulness” (fake, fraudulent) on the part of the midlife spouse is nothing more than a continuation of their ongoing emotional addiction, misplaced responsibility, and a totally twisted emotional obligation to an affair partner the midlife spouse is using and abusing to make them feel good. Also, the affair partner really is using the midlife spouse, too.
What is it about the dynamics of a midlife affair being akin to teenage relationships that people don’t seem to want to understand? Immature teens carry on like this, not emotionally, and mentally grown individuals.
The affair itself is simply an immature and emotionally broken relationship that is built on all the wrong aspects–lies, deceit, adultery, disloyalty, and UNfaithfulness shown toward the marriage the adulterous midlife spouse destroyed when THEY DECIDED to get entangled in an immature emotional trap, with an equally immature other woman or other man. The affair partner is desperate, clingy, controlling, manipulating, and they will employ any tactic necessary to try and keep what was never theirs to begin with.
Where is the “faithfulness” to the affair partner in all of this immaturity, childish behavior, and emotional destruction?
Food for thought.