Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-private

Plus, when someone is engaging in this way with another person online, and have never met that person face to face, it’s an illusion of fantasy within the aspect of projecting someone they’re really not, because there’s no way to disprove what they claim they are, unless that person decides to come visit–you know, married men/woman can play at being “single”, people can say they have a lot of money, as well as write descriptively–and in the end, what does an emotional affair have, really?–It’s all a bunch of words/text that really mean nothing, except for what the mid-life spouse makes it out to be– plus it also looks like some form of unrequited “puppy love”–it’s like writing and passing love notes in high school without ever going on a date with that person.

Emotional affairs are also the hardest kind of affair to break down because they’re fueled solely by fantasy, existing in cyberspace, and within the mind. There’s no real chance for the people to get together in a real-life situation so that the “Internet Romance” type of illusion can be seen through, and broken down as quickly as your physical affair can.

However, given time, this aspect of long distance between them may very well be their undoing, because long-distance relationships don’t always work, and if/when one of the party’s perception begins to shift toward wanting something more, unless they choose to take an additional step that leads into actually meeting each other this emotional affair is doomed eventually. Also, IF this goes into an actual physical meeting, it would take away some of the mystery, and can shatter several illusions/fantasies, because reality is never the same as what was projected within the world of the internet/email/chat room.

You know as well as I do that this is not love, (this is not even real-life “true luv” that is present within the typical face-to-face affair)this is built solely upon a “fake” foundation of illusion, fantasy, and to some extent, a type of emotional non-availability, because currently, there is no face-to-face interaction that would allow for a proper emotional connection, except through the written words; although there is a type of emotional infatuation (which is not the same thing as a connection), associated with these types of affair, as well as these being nearly as addictive as a real-life type of affair.

It’s more controlling, too, because when one or the other decides to stop the conversation, all they have to do is close it down, or they can choose not to answer a particular email, shut it all down, and walk away from the computer until the next time they’re both online.

This type of affair thrives on the same aspect as the physical-type affair, in that they are both obviously addicted to how they make each other feel special, feel loved, and feel accepted. Anything that threatens this comfort zone they are both existing in, is immediately rejected in favor of their addiction to each other’s empty written words.

Any type of affair thrives on secrecy, but it also contains deception, as I’m thinking/speculating–I can almost guarantee you what they’re telling each other is NOT the whole truth–they’re both lying to each other about things-probably everything…and one of them is going to slip up, eventually, and the various versions of “truth” is going to undergo some kind of change, but it’s going to be in the details that gets one of them caught, whether in what they tell each other, or by other means…as I heavily suspect that this emotional paramour she has is most likely MARRIED, or within a relationship of some kind. That’s probably the biggest reason they’ve never met, and as it stands, I don’t think they will.

I know you know about them, but I’m wondering about the paramour’s status….this person may claim they’re single…but you even have to wonder about the truth of that.

At any rate, her claiming you didn’t “love her enough” is simply justification for what she’s doing within the realm of emotionally cheating on you, and she’s “rewriting” your past history together. Not right, but that’s what they do.

The age fits, the emotional affair fits, the “rewriting” of relational history fits, and the list keeps going, because we’re not done yet. For what it’s worth, ALL mid-life spouses have avoidance tendencies…hadn’t see one yet, that didn’t…also they show passive aggressive tendencies, as well as narcissistic tendencies. ((hugs)) I’m really sorry, you’re going through this.

So, you’ve had everything “taken away” except SHE still wants you to live with her as friends? Has it occurred to you that you really don’t have to do this? You can withdraw from her without getting angry–however, friends don’t do these things to each other. You can’t set a direct boundary on the affair if you want to see if you can possibly salvage your relationship right now, but you do NOT have to be a “friend” to her right now, if you don’t choose to be.

While you don’t treat her badly, I suggest you begin learning to emotionally detach, and then distance yourself from her. She is not meeting your needs, she has removed all her attention from you, and is giving this to the paramour, yet, she expects you to continue as SHE wants you to–live with her as “friends”….now, while you would be polite to her, I would NOT suggest you go out of your way for her–if she asks you for any favors, let her know you don’t have time, say no a lot more, don’t go out of your way for her, because honestly, she’s taking advantage of you because of what she’s doing that has completely destroyed the relationship the two of you had.

All I can advise you to do is distance yourself from what she’s doing, because you can’t set a boundary on her affair, and you certainly can’t stop her from making bad choices.

All you can really do is wait this out, if you choose, hang tough, don’t take it personally, because though your feelings are hurt, she’s hurting herself more than she’s hurting you. Understand this is not about you–this is all about her, and she’s the one who is doing wrong, not you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. However, I think you would need to sit down and consider what you would want to do, while she’s otherwise occupied. She is definitely in MLC, she’s seeking to validate herself with this empty emotional affair, and you didn’t do anything to “cause” her to do this, nor did you “make” her do this.

What you would need to also do is grieve this out, and come to understand that it’s honestly, really, and truly NOT about you at all…everything she’s doing is all about her, and it is something in her that has driven her down this path, and influenced her wrong decision.

I hope you get to feeling better.