Before I begin this article, the kind of behavior I’m about to describe, has always bothered me, because the midlife spouse in deep emotional crisis, still knows right from wrong. They do a lot of wrong things, with the knowledge that what they’re doing is wrong, but often do it anyway, just because they can. There are behaviors that have direct, and indirect effects upon the left behind spouse, and most of the direct effects involve a certain testing of their self respect. The midlife spouse who seeks to get away with anything and everything, even to the most immoral of sin, is testing the boundaries and limits of propriety on the part of the left behind spouse. The midlife spouse has to learn what is and isn’t acceptable to the left behind spouse, and the test that is brought forth the most, is the one that pushes against the morals, and scruples of a person’s character.
Sin will take a person farther than they ever wanted to go, and cost them more than they ever wanted to pay. You, as the left behind spouse, know the difference between right and wrong, and if you cave in to a midlife spouse’s demand that dictates you do something wrong, just to be able to “keep” them in the short term, you will sacrifice your self respect in the long run.
Don’t do anything that destroys your core character–it’s not ever worth lowering your standards to that of a sinning, and rebellious midlife spouse.
A lady emailed me recently about her midlife spouse who had the audacity to bring his paramour into their house, and into his bed without any regard for how she would respond/react. From what I understood, he didn’t consult her, ask her, or even consider her when HE DECIDED what HE was going to do. This blatant show of disrespect triggered her into confronting him in a “knee jerk” fashion, and she left. She felt really bad about having reacted like that, and she said she wished she hadn’t done that.
I have to admit, I was more than just a little angry when reading her email–not with her, but with her very disrespectful midlife spouse. He had a lot of nerve doing what he did against his wife! Her obvious confusion, hurt, and deep pain resonated throughout her writing. She spent many years in faithful service to her marriage, to herself, her husband, and for him to do this against her, was something I’m aware she never expected to happen. Though we know that the midlife spouses will often do things we would never have expected them to do, it’s still a shock when certain things happen–and this situation was one of those things. It tested her on a moral level. Because she knew it was wrong for him to do what he did, she stood firmly against this man’s actions, in clear defense of her self respect, and she was right in coming back at him from a position of strength, instead of sacrificing her core character on the altar of this man’s sin.
You’ll find many times that doing the right thing is going to involve defending your self respect, because you’re not doing yourself any favors if you back down in weakness and allow behaviors, that you know are wrong, to be acted out against you.
When I responded to get a little more information, she explained that he arrogantly told her he wasn’t leaving, because HE paid the bills in HIS house. She, like a lot of left behind spouses, was lost in the maze of trying to do and say what is right, without risking a complete loss of the marriage at a later time. I completely understand where she was coming from, because I remember what it was like to try and navigate through an emotional place I had never been before. Sometimes it’s really hard to know the right thing to do.
The first thing I want to do is explain that there is a difference between dealing with the knowledge of a midlife spouse’s affair that’s been exposed to you, whether by direct, or indirect discovery, and the complete disregard for someone’s marital home. The not reacting in an emotional “knee-jerk” fashion advice is reserved for the affairs that are occurring OUTSIDE of your marital home. The affair itself is not directly impacting, nor directly affecting you, the midlife spouse is hurting themselves, and it’s always obvious their hearts and minds are turned away from you at this time, so you learn to back off, do nothing, and allow the affair to run its course in due time. Until their hearts and minds are turning back toward you again, there really isn’t anything you can do about it. This kind of situation, you detach from, leave it alone, and as described, allow the affair to run its course in its own time.
However, in a case where the midlife spouse either asks you to agree to allow the affair partner to move into your home, or they decide–without consulting you–to bring them into what also YOUR home, install them into their bed, and directly wave them under your nose, different steps would be taken in this situation. Why? Because your own self respect is being tested, and tried when the midlife spouse crosses that particular type of boundary. There are limits to what you’re expected to deal with, without putting the midlife spouse out on the street, and the prior description is one of those limits you must defend. You can’t back down from this kind of behavior, because if you accepted this, then the midlife spouse would then decide you were “OK” with this particular sinful act on their part, and you would soon find yourself being manipulated into deeper sin as time went on–so, don’t take that first step, refuse it as you seek to protect yourself.
No self respecting person would ever agree to the DIRECT introduction of a third party into their marriage–i.e. moving them into the marital home…that should never be allowed to happen.
That would be the prime time to defend your self respect, make it clear that this is unacceptable, non-negotiable behavior, and IF the midlife spouse brings their paramour into the marital home, immediately take steps to put them both out into the street. Why do I make this difference between the two situations? Because in the situation of a midlife spouse who feels entitled to bring their paramour into the marital home, (and you making a stand against this as is your right to do), it teaches the midlife spouse a valuable lesson in what you will and will not tolerate from them in the way of this kind of immoral and rebellious behavior. Furthermore, when the midlife spouse brings their paramour into the marital home, it’s akin to them “crapping where they eat and live” which is unacceptable, because they are showing a deep disrespect for the left behind spouse, and any children that may be living there.
I can tell you with all the confidence in the world, that if that situation of this type had occurred, my husband would not have been allowed to stay in my house. He would have found himself, and his paramour out in the street. I don’t care whose house it is, no one has a right to disrespect you in your house, and you have a right to set a clear boundary on this type of disrespectful behavior. The midlife spouse is clearly not thinking of anyone but themselves, what they want, when they want it. They are deciding for both of you, if they pull an antic like that, and think to get away with it. It’s the disrespectful way of thinking they are a mind reader, know what you think, when they don’t know what you think, or even how you feel–and even if they did know, in the state of mind they are in, they wouldn’t care.
Never, ever agree to allow the rebellious spouse to have the affair partner move into your house. This creates a different dynamic, for lack of a better description, and it’s a moral and ethical line crossing that should never be allowed.
So, it’s up you to set the standard, lay the boundary that defends your self respect from behaviors that will directly affect you, make you uncomfortable, as the midlife spouse may ask you to do things that go against your moral sense of right and wrong. It’s not worth sacrificing yourself on an altar of their sin, just to try and save your marriage. That marriage ended when the unwanted emotional bomb was dropped, and now, the responsibility for maintaining solid moral ground falls upon you as an individual. It’s not uncommon for the midlife spouse to ask for the left behind spouse to agree to something they know is a sin according to the Word of God. Saying no may cause a lot of trouble in the short run, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you didn’t agree to their immoral requests.
This even includes the midlife spouse requesting, or demanding the left behind spouse view pornography, having “three way” sexual encounters of any kind, committing physical adultery while the midlife spouse observes, or anything else that would shatter the left behind spouse’s marital vows. It’s bad enough that the midlife spouse has chosen to shatter their own vows, but it’s worse, when they try to successfully influence the left behind spouse into shattering their vows. It’s not a right thing when this happens.
Your self respect is most deserving of being defended, and you do not have to engage in any acts that dishonor you, demoralize you, and bring you down into a place of sexual sin. You are more than just someone who is married to a rebellious midlife spouse, and it is not worth the sacrifice of Self, just to try and save your marriage. If the midlife spouse gets angry, and walks out, because you don’t agree with whatever sin they’re trying to manipulate you into agreeing to do, so be it. Please remember that you are not losing anything when you retain your self respect, honor, moral code, and high standard you are choosing to adhere to.
I’m sure that all of you like a good night’s sleep, free of further grief, free of guilt, free of shame, and free of regret. Keep yourselves pure in these areas, and understand that God will deal with the midlife spouse in His Time, His Way, and Vengeance is His, as that man/woman will pay in harsh consequences for attempting to steer you down a wrong path, that would destroy your self respect if you don’t seek to defend it in strength, morality, and love that is contained within yourself.
Food for thought.
