From the mildest of signs, to the most overt of actions, the different factors that bring forth the transition can be similar, if not just like. Most of the time, it takes a major life event, such as a personal near-death experience, the painful loss of a loved one, or even the loss of one’s employment that causes a serious emotional crisis that can directly lead into the beginning stages of a mid-life transition.
Signs of an emotional breakdown will often show, followed by emotional distance. The feeling of inadequacy, loss of control, and the blaming of self for not being able to prevent such things from happening trigger these. If this is a true emotional crisis, then, given space and time, the person will eventually return to a normal emotional balance.
If not, then the person’s emotional breakdown and distancing will gradually become worse, escalating into anger at everything and everyone, as they become desperate to maintain control of their personal environment, even as they continue to spin out of control.
In cases where there has not been a major life event, there is an increasing self-awareness, that combines with an increasing perception that time is running out, resulting in a feeling of something left undone. An emptiness that exposes a void within becomes clear.
Several emotional changes begin, leading into a time of emotional unrest, deep thought, daydreaming, distraction, a temper that becomes short, or even outward displays of anger that are not understood by the still unsuspecting spouse.
Something within becomes “lost” that cannot be “found”, and if the person going through has not reached a set goal, they feel as if they have wasted their lives. If they have reached their set goal, then they feel something is missing in this aspect, they have done all they can do, and wonder, “Is this all there is?”
Within both circumstances, there is a feeling that their lives are slipping beyond their control, as steady emotional change continues to sweep over them. They reach out in desperation in an attempt to keep this from happening, because they perceive some of their changing feelings as being wrong.
However, life is all about change, and all the emotional changes they had put on hold for so long, seem to break through all at one time, overwhelming them with fear that also leads to anger.
They could have spoken of how they felt at any time, but chose not to for their own personal reasons. This silence was not intentional; it was because they did not know how to speak up without upsetting things as they are.
Yet, at the same time, one would need to understand that it is difficult at best to convey these changing emotions to the unsuspecting spouse who loves them. However, within their changing perception, that becomes skewed and very twisted, the person going into transition begins to feel their spouse really does not understand them; their state of mind literally collapses into deep confusion.
Within this line of thought, this altered perception becomes all they can see within the transition, as change continues to overtake the person. This results in the inability to see the proverbial “forest for the trees”.
It is a difficult thing to speak of feelings, perceptions, and perspectives that become very narrow as the different pressures within are rising to the surface, a little at a time. Some things are too deep to express, yet, these can and will come out in some of the strangest ways, leading up to the time of full disclosure.
As the stages of a mid-life crisis progress forward, the timing of the “emotional bomb” dropped upon the unsuspecting spouse (who honestly thought everything was fine, or even ok), always occurs just after entering the replay stage.
Whether uncovered through accidental discovery, or through confrontation, the effects are devastating. This is the beginning of an emotional crisis for the unsuspecting spouse, but not the true beginning for the spouse in crisis.
To qualify the above paragraph; due to the direct knowledge gained from having lived completely through this same experience, it is a fact the beginning of the crisis occurred long before the unsuspecting spouse knew it ever existed.
If one takes the time to look backward within each event leading up to this aspect, one will clearly see things were not quite right. However, each change came so subtly, that it was difficult to put one’s finger on the cause, as there seemed to be so many.
The infrequent bouts of anger, temper tantrums at odd times, threats of leaving for no clear reason, moodiness, cranky behavior, crying spells, and the unsuspecting spouse feeling the need to “walk on eggshells” at times are other signs that may also show clearly in hindsight.
No spouse ever wakes up one moment, and decides to wreck their marriage in the next; it is just not possible. A decision of this kind is never made all of a sudden; to say that the beginning of the crisis started once the “emotional bomb” was dropped, is to discount the various signs that were seen long before this occurred.
Not every marriage was a “bad” relationship before this happened. While there are some marriages, which were filled with varying degrees of unrest sometimes, fraught with serious problems, and courting constant trouble at others, one could not say this about every marriage.
The person you knew was a stable, responsible spouse who took their role as your husband/wife very seriously. They were someone you could count on in times of trouble, considered your best friend, and someone who would never let you down.
For some of you, the children had come of age, moved out, and you were looking forward to spending more time together. For others, you seemed to be on the “home stretch”, looking forward to retirement, finally getting to do the things the two of you had planned for, and talked about, for years.
For still others, life seemed to be getting easier as each year went by; you were content, settled, felt loved, cherished, and you have all the cards and love notes of the past to prove all of this.
You would never have thought, in your wildest dreams, that your gentle loving spouse would suddenly become a spitting, snarling animal who is constantly blaming you for what is honestly their trouble. However, because you are there and have been always been there, and they are unable to face themselves, they have turned completely against you.
It sounds redundant to describe what the person in crisis had once been before the mid-life crisis swept them into its grasp, but you know it is true. You also know it is true this did not happen overnight. It was a gradual slide into these depths, and it all began with these various aspects mentioned above.
Do not give up; stay the course, there is hope as long as there is love.
Until next time!
BIG HUGS!!
Love,
HB
