A Self-Inflated Ego and the Midlife Crisis

HB, I have a question – what does ego have to do with an LBS who is having huge problems with their MLCer? That refers to the LBS’ ego. I don’t understand…..she writes very long notes about what her H is doing and saying and how frustrated and hurt she is by him, and I respond by telling her what we all know here – detach, distance, be still and let him twist in the wind. When I wrote that, she got upset with me saying she doesn’t want to hurt him or leave him twisting anywhere, she just wants to have him think about what he’s doing. Well, you can imagine I have tried to explain that he isn’t hearing her and she needs to stop pursuing him. So now she keeps telling me that her ego is making her do all those things, and she can’t get her ego to stop.

A self-inflated EGO dictates that MY needs are going to be met, MY feelings are going to be considered, and MY life is not going to be disrupted…

EGO has a great deal to do with the left behind spouses who have huge problems with the changes their midlife spouses have made which have destroyed the marriage. Believe it or not, there is a “matching” self inflated EGO within the midlife spouse, which speaks to the same thing.

Because of lack of emotional awareness, lack of empathy, and lack of feeling, the midlife spouse doesn’t see the disruption they’ve caused in their lives, and marriage–but in their minds, the left behind spouse is not going to be “allowed” to stand in the way of THEIR NEEDS, THEIR WANTS, and THEIR FEELINGS….so, basically, you have two egos who are at constant and consistent war–until one of two lets go.

EGO
n. noun

Source: dictionary.search.yahoo.com

EGO is a major factor within left behind spouses who cannot seem to accept that their situation has changed–they feel they’ve been made a fool of at the beginning of this crisis, because they think something was wrong with THEM that “caused” all of this trouble—of course, as we know, this is codependent thinking.

Ego is damaged even more when the left behind spouse refuses to accept that the midlife affair (IF one exists–whether emotional or physical) is not about them, but about their weak spouse who made this choice to sin against their spouse, their marriage, and worse, themselves. The betrayed spouse will insist that the situation has been created because they (the left behind spouse) were “not good enough” “not pretty enough” “not performing well enough”—and for those who seem to always put their focus on the sexual aspect “not sexy enough.” Every bit of these self-defeating thoughts and feelings are deeply rooted in past emotional issues that had not been resolved within the betrayed spouse/left behind spouse. Whatever choices a person will choose to make is all about them, not about the person who may be, or is, indirectly affected.

The Ego also gets involved, when you begin trying to get the left behind spouse to understand that

(1) this crisis is not about them, but about the midlife spouse and

(2) when you begin trying to get the LBS to understand that when the midlife spouse emotionally bombed them, they put the left behind spouse on a road that was not of their own making, but triggers an emotional journey that is all about the left behind spouse, NOT the midlife spouse. This often triggers an elevated sense of pride that leads into the arrogant thinking there is nothing wrong with the left behind spouse, while everything is wrong with the midlife spouse–triggering the question of Why should *I* make changes, when it was the MIDLIFE SPOUSE who has caused all of this damage?

However, the midlife spouse doesn’t help matters, because they’re so busy shifting the blame, the guilt, and the shame onto the LBS, it increases the emotional burden the LBS is carrying.

I’d be telling a huge lie if I said that early in his midlife crisis, this did not affect my ego–sense of self. I had my own pride to consider, and I was a very arrogant person in my own way. When everything went south in my own marriage (to the point of total destruction), it was a very hard blow to my ego, mainly because OTHER people who don’t know any better are the most likely to blame the spouse who is left behind—there are accusations of being unable to “keep” your spouse with you, and these are an even harder blow to one’s ego:

(1) What did YOU do that “caused” so and so to leave you?

(2) YOU had to have done something to “cause” so and so to get another man/woman.

(3) What was wrong with YOU that “made” so and so turn on you like that?

(4) YOU have “sin” in your life that caused this situation, and you need to ask God to forgive you.

(5) YOU didn’t give your spouse enough love, care, and YOUR attitude “made” them walk away from YOU…and the list goes on.

People are so quick to blame the one who has been left behind, rather than take a hard look at the one who left. We have all fallen short, but falling short is never an excuse for abandoning a marriage to pursue selfishness.

But–I didn’t see any of this at first–I was too busy taking it all upon myself, making it personal, when it was NOT personal at all.

This hard blow to my ego, triggered all of my attempts to return the whole situation back to what it was, and when it failed, I struggled in self-victimization—again, because of ego–I didn’t deserve this to happen to me anymore than anyone else does….but as long as I considered myself and my feelings as being more important than anyone else’s, I was nowhere near ready to accept that things had changed. I acted out in ways that were controlling, manipulating, and it was all to ‘save face’ to ‘soothe my ego’ and of course, none of it worked–the situation became much worse.

The key lay in accepting the situation had changed, and my EGO–which was linked to a sense of self that drove my pride, that led into arrogance, and these aspects were caught up in my now-dead relationship–wasn’t going to do anything but bring ME down, hurt ME.

This was no different than the actual ego trip my husband was ALREADY on–his actions dictated that he was elevated in (self) importance, and he was walking on me….this was how I felt, and I could NOT accept the situation had changed. For quite a while, I angrily projected myself upon him as much as he projected himself upon me.

These were my thoughts, and my attitude: How dare HE try and put ME underfoot? How dare HE change the rules without informing ME, AND getting MY permission? Never mind the fact he didn’t “need” my “permission” to rebel and sin against me–that permission belonged to his “Self.” However, earlier on, you could not have told me that, I would have spit in your eye. I didn’t see him as being separated from me—he was what defined me, therefore, he was wrongly seen as a major part of my ego.

It’s a hard “death” blow to one’s ego–that is so deeply caught up within the marriage itself–it’s a defining moment for a codependent personality who has not learned to build a completely separated identity.

This is what begins the battle between

(1) accepting that a spouse is in a midlife crisis, becoming willing to set aside one’s ego (which fuels pride and arrogance) to delve deep inside, admit they are just as flawed as the midlife spouse, begin to learn how to experience their own journey, so they can learn how to deal with the midlife spouse, and

(2) staying in an angry denial that anything is wrong, that everything has changed, and keep struggling within a losing battle. In the end of the second aspect, having a big fat ego (elevated self importance), isn’t going to serve you during this time…bad enough the midlife spouse is already displaying this aspect–and it’s NOT going to serve them, either.

Someone has to set their elevated ego (sense of self) aside, that leads into pride and arrogance—and you guessed it, the left behind spouse is the one who is called upon to go FIRST.

I’m assuming in your question, that you’re speaking of left behind spouse who have trouble accepting their midlife spouses are in a major midlife crisis. They refuse to accept the situation has changed their lives, and they suffer from “entitlement” thinking that dictates NOTHING should change for them (left behind spouse), and they haven’t learned that their “self importance” which links to their ego means nothing during this time of emotional redevelopment.

This is a huge blow to their pride in Self, and to cover their triggered insecurities, they use arrogance as an emotional shield. I’ve seen many in my time, who challenged me in this way, because their view of Self wasn’t an honest one. Their ego was damaged, bruised, and battered.

One of the aspects that angers the left behind spouse more than anything, is the feeling of being “discarded”—which brings on frustration, then anger. Their pride has been hurt, their ego has been bruised, and their sense of “self importance” has been destroyed.

Instead of accepting that the midlife spouse has changed, the left behind spouse struggles against this aspect, and refuses to understand that what has happened is NOT about them. They feel they’ve done something wrong, and anger moves inward, causing depression, then blows outward, causing the situation to become worse—damaging their ego that much more.

Pride and arrogance are a huge problem on both sides of the equation–I had a problem with pride and arrogance which is directly related to ego, and I had troubles setting this aside so I could deal with him more effectively.

I had my pride, too—which he clearly hurt when he clearly disrespected me through his rebellion against me…it was a personal thing I had to examine within myself. I also had triggered issues of abandonment, control, manipulation, and that same sense of having been “discarded.” I often had an attitude of “I’ll show him!” This didn’t do anything, but cause him to laugh at me, triggering me in anger, and I exploded at him more than once–it was all emotional “bait” that fed his justifications for his rebellion.

Every time I became angry, this made HIM feel he was doing the right thing for himself, and my outbursts diminished me even more. I was allowing him to influence how I felt, and emotionally separating myself from him was extremely difficult. I allowed my damaged sense of Self (ego) to drive my own actions, and all it ever did, was cause more alienation between us. I wasn’t being attractive, because anger is a clear deterrent to attraction.

His sense of duty, obligation, and adherence to his marital vows through the commitment he’d made so many years ago was completely missing, buried, and all he could think about was himself. I felt “entitled” to consideration, but guess what? I wasn’t even “seen” “felt” nor “heard”—he heard nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing for me.

It wasn’t very long before I hit the emotional rock bottom, and had an epiphany that caused me to realize that my ego was getting in the way of what I was supposed to be doing for my Self. It’s a different kind of “seeing” for each person, but until this is “seen” and “realized”—you do tend to stay stuck in your own self-indulged pity party, wallowing in self victimization, and your ego is damaged more, and more, as you continue “losing” pieces of Self in a situation you cannot control.

You find the anger you’re experiencing is hurting YOU, you’re losing sleep and that’s hurting YOU, and you also find that pride and arrogance, which tie into your egotistical thinking is only hurting YOU….and as your journey begins, EVERYTHING is stripped down, IF you will allow yourself to peel away the emotional layers one at a time, beginning with your past issues.

Both midlife spouse and left behind spouse have a huge problem with exaggerated sense of self importance—each person feels what they want, their feelings, and their desired treatment is more important than what they are choosing to give. Because the left behind spouse isn’t looking at the situation as a whole, and are more focused on their wants, they feel they are more “important” than the other. The midlife spouse feels this same way, and this is related to pride and arrogance—and it even connects with the “controlling factor” where both people want control of each other, and both are denied this aspect.

The left behind spouse wants what they want, and the midlife spouse wants what they want, and there is no “balance” nor “compromise” achieved, therefore an emotional war is waged between both people.

Both people are guilty of being “takers” rather than balancing “taking” and “giving”—and neither one cares about what’s happening to or against the other–just so they get what THEY want.

As long as the struggle continues, both people’s egos are hard at work, it becomes personal, and this “show of ego” does nothing but get in the way of each person’s growth. Someone has to let go of the emotional rope, and that someone should be the left behind spouse. There are three reasons for this:

(1) the left behind spouse is AWARE of the situation

(2) the midlife spouse is NOT AWARE of the situation

(3) The midlife crisis is NOT meant to be “personal” against the left behind spouse.

This emotional crisis is all about the midlife spouse, who is making the worst mistakes of their life, but until they realize this, their rebellion against everything they’ve been taught will continue. This is a time of emotional redevelopment on their part, and until they outgrow their immature tendencies that were not outgrown during this first half of their life, they will continue creating a huge path of self-destruction.

All the left behind spouse can learn to do is walk their own journey toward wholeness and healing, learn to set firm and loving boundaries against any further damage the midlife spouse might seek to cause, learn to separate then set their ego, that leads into pride, arrogance, and entitlement thinking aside, and live life AS IF the midlife spouse spouse will not be returning.

It’s NOT personal, and the midlife spouse spouse isn’t really damaging anyone, but themselves, their lives, and they stand to lose more than the left behind spouse ever has or will because of their rebellious actions that are fueled by egotistical thinking that seeks to use outside solutions to solve an inside problem.

To the left behind spouse–do NOT fall into the same trap of trying to use the midlife spouse to soothe your damaged ego. They won’t “fix” this, and if allowed, they will do even more damage by diminishing, and discounting your ego even more. At this time of their crisis, your hurt sense of Self doesn’t mean anything to them, because their awareness, empathy, and care is missing for now—buried deep, right along with their former feelings for you, under many layers of self-justification.

I don’t know if this might help–I know what I’m saying, but articulating some things can be difficult at times, and this is one of the more difficult aspects to explain. ((HUGS))