To begin this article: NO CONTACT is for YOU, not the mid-life spouse. When you go “no contact,” you are giving them space to get space for yourself, so you can become emotionally stronger, and start healing.
No Contact depends on the situation at hand, it is strictly for the left-behind spouse, and it is not intended to “punish” the mid-life spouse. You have many people who cannot handle contact with their mid-life spouses because they have been rendered emotionally broken from all the terrible things that have happened because of their various antics.
Most left-behind spouses in the early days after the emotional bomb drop have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning, much less be expected to deal with a continuously abusive mid-life spouse who has left, but cannot let go of the left-behind spouse.
IF the left-behind spouse cannot attain emotional space of their own from the mid-life spouse’s various antics, a nervous breakdown can and will result. Setting a strict boundary of No Contact can be enforced to allow the left-behind spouse to regain their emotional balance, begin to heal, strengthen, and begin to regain their perspective.
This is not the same thing as “going dark” There is a distinct difference between No Contact, and “Going Dark”.
“Going Dark” means no contact of any kind, regardless of what happens. This aspect is used, for example, when a mid-life spouse has pushed for their divorce, has attained it, still trying to have it all, and needs to face the consequences of what they (the mid-life spouse) have done.
Now, this is also, not “punishment,” this aspect is also called consequences for one’s actions. They must be shown they have lost the left-behind spouse due to their actions to end the marriage legally. Sometimes it is enough to turn a mid-life spouse around.
However, since you cannot control anyone but yourself, if they decide to go on and do something else, like marry the other woman, or whatever else they choose to do, you must still let them go to make their worst mistakes.
Within No Contact, emergencies dealing with children, family situations, things of that nature are allowed. However, since mid-life spouses are notorious for playing tricks, becoming clear in what a true emergency is, and holding firm if the mid-life spouse tries to break the “no contact” boundary, is something the left-behind spouse must determine. One suggestion: If it is life or death, respond. If it can wait and you know it can, do not respond.
I do not suggest being hateful toward your mid-life spouse while remaining in No Contact; a calm, firm stance is needed. When you heal enough to be able to stand what they are doing, that would be the time to break No Contact, and begin attempting to deal with them again.
There is no time limit, nor set amount of times, you may go No Contact-this is a choice that either person can make. Go No Contact as many times as you feel you need to in order to get space for yourself to help yourself. In this same aspect, you are giving space to your mid-life spouse so they can hopefully begin work on themselves.
To further clarify:
People often ask if there is a difference between No Contact, and No Initiating Contact.
Not really, it is nearly the same thing. No Contact goes both ways, and can also known as No Initiating Contact; but the “blanket” term is easier to understand. No Initiating Contact is used for the same reason-not to “punish” but to give space to get space.
No Initiating Contact can also be defined, as “letting go, and letting God” do His work upon the mid-life spouse. If you let go completely, you do not initiate contact, you let them come to you when they choose to.
It just depends upon the context it is used in; whether it is true No Contact, or No Initiating Contact.
I know it can get confusing, because both terms are very similar but different. The No Contact aspect has the added component of not allowing the mid-life spouse to contact until the left-behind spouse feels that they are strong enough to begin dealing again.
No Initiating Contact is usually used in the case of mid-life spouses who have vanished; or mid-life spouses who have told the left-behind spouse they don’t want contact, forcing the left-behind spouse to back off.
The mid-life spouses who are demanding their space, and cutting contact with the left-behind spouse are using a “backward” kind/type of No Contact to escape a pressuring left-behind spouse.
However, in both cases, the emotional “waters” can be tested at any time by either the left-behind spouse or the mid-life spouse to see how a situation stands. It is better if one can do it without expectations, and better if one does not get upset if the desired response is not received back. If the mid-life spouse tests the waters in this way, it is usually to see if the situation with the left-behind spouse has either changed, or not changed.
Quite often, the mid-life spouse is seeing if they can begin controlling or manipulating the left-behind spouse, or seeing if the left-behind spouse has calmed down on what the mid-life spouse perceives as smothering and controlling behaviors on their part.
If neither party is ready to deal with the other, one or both can go No Contact again for a while.
If you can understand all that I have written down, you now know the difference between No Contact vs. No Initiating Contact and Going Dark.
I really hope this helps.
Hugs,
HB
