No matter who you are, or where you originally came from, you need help. You do not care where you get it as long as you can find a place to receive it. Desperately you search, and it seems all your efforts, repeatedly, end in vain.
Your spouse has all of a sudden made a statement designed to end your marriage. Yet, they do not leave—not yet. On the other hand, they may go on and walk out, but call you later in an attempt to “explain” this strange behavior.
Based on conflicting information provided, they say their feelings have changed, or they say they still love you, but are not in love with you, but suffer from the inability to provide any real concrete reason or clear explanation for this seemingly sudden emotional change that has come out of nowhere.
Their words are confused, disjointed, and their minds seem to “jump” from one subject to the next.
Whether they return or not at that point, they become extremely distant, completely hateful, flinch if you touch them, act strange if you cry in front of them. They will even hang up on you when you call and try to reason with them. Worst of all, they act as if you are the last person on this earth they would ever want to be associated with.
None of this was true in the years preceding this direct dropping of the “emotional bomb”, as it is often termed within various internet circles, forums, and various self-help books and articles. As far as you knew, things were fine, nothing was wrong, and you figured if something were wrong, your spouse would tell you, right? RIGHT?
Your mind whirls in a dozen different directions while you think frantically on how to remedy the situation.
Up until this time, you really thought you knew your spouse as well as you could know anyone, but when this happens, everything you thought you knew disappears in a flood of tears, confusion, uncertainty, and quite honestly, you do not know what you are going to do.
You are devastated, you did not see this coming, you do not understand, you cannot sleep, eat, nor concentrate on the simplest every day things. If your spouse has spoken of wanting a divorce, or if you have discovered another person, you think, feel that it is all over, and the handwriting is on the wall. In spite of your apparent devastation, after begging, pleading, and crying, with no positive results, you feel it is best to move on, go ahead, and end the marriage.
However, you find you are unable to take this final step. You know if you do, it could spell the total end of your relationship, and you could never get it back. You become rooted to the spot in total fear, not to mention feeling very alienated, and you wonder how this could have happened.
You find yourself beginning the cycle through emotions you never thought you would ever feel. You feel sick, alienated, betrayed, unable to function, and in spite of the initial decision you have made, you find yourself waffling, and all these aspects combined, cause you to begin riding an emotional rollercoaster that leaves you confused, very disoriented and so much more sick.
In order to try to fix the situation, you begin, not asking, but demanding that your spouse stop this nonsense. You go further, attempting to rationalize the situation as a whole, by suggesting that maybe they have had a temporary breakdown of some kind, they need help; and you end it with a plea, they just cannot do this to you. You continue to try your best to make them see reason, while they either throw a tantrum, or worse, laugh at you when you become angry because they are not listening.
As the various skirmishes continue, you pull out every emotionally charged weapon you have within your vast arsenal. After all, these had worked in the past hadn’t they? Secure within your reasoning that these should work in this situation, you begin to work in earnest. From trying to incite guilt and shame to appealing to their sense of fair play, you do everything you can to change this unacceptable state of mind, all to no avail. Finally, in a last ditch effort, and for good measure, you even bring up the children, and how this would affect them, but nothing works, your spouse continues turning away. The more angry, and miserable you become, the more justified the spouse feels. After all, if you were not reacting in this way, they would not feel the need to distance themselves.
If they do choose to speak at any great length, you are shocked to hear blame being directed at you. You are supposed to understand their needs, but you do not meet these for them. They are no longer attracted to you; they repeat again that their feelings have changed, and are never going to change back. They can even swear they are “done” with you. Accusations you have never heard in your life begin to fly as your spouse begins to pick up verbal and emotional speed.
According to their self-imposed justifications, you are at fault for everything. If you had not done this, your spouse would not have done that. They say if they cannot get away from you, they will die. They even go as far as saying they never loved you, never should have married you, nothing within the marriage itself was ever good, and they are not willing to give you the chance to “fix” whatever it was that you had done to “cause” them to become this way toward you.
Alternatively, if there is another person, the spouse states in a seemingly calm and clear-headed way, that person understands them, knows them, will be so much better for them, than you are, or would be. Some spouses even go as far as describing how this other person is really their true “soul mate”, and also describe how they feel so much better, more “alive” when they are with them, and you stand there in deeper shock, stop listening, or walk out of the room, because you just can’t stand to hear anymore. You finally see there is no arguing with someone whose state of mind seems to be in one set place.
Within a short period, the “emotional” divorce becomes complete, and your marriage is definitely within the grip of an emotional crisis you neither asked for, nor started.
You can be sure, however, that life as you once knew it has ended, and nothing will ever be the same ever again.
Therefore, you are searching the internet for material to help you figure out what is happening now, to help you understand more, and this is one place you can get the help you need.
If they are between the ages of 35 to 55, your spouse is navigating through what is called the mid life transition. Because of the various mistakes the spouse makes early in, by the time you find this blog, they will have already transformed their transition into a crisis.
This same crisis will last 3 to 5 to even 7 years, if not longer, or shorter. To be sure, there is always some disagreement on the length; but as I have written many times in the past: As each person is different, each crisis is different. What one will do another will not. You may see situations that are very similar to your own, but you will never see a situation that is just like yours.
During this time, the emotional rollercoaster ride will get extremely bumpy, the spouse in crisis often gets completely out of hand, and you have mostly likely already found there is not one thing you can do, or say, to convince your spouse to end this and return to the more comfortable life you once knew.
What you want so badly is not going to happen. Change has already invaded your life, and nothing will ever be the same again.
As I close, I will leave you with this statement: There is HOPE for your situation, no matter what it may be. As long as love remains within your heart, and you become willing to give them a chance to come through this on their own, there will always be hope.
Stay tuned, because in the future articles, more information will be forthcoming on this very real, but often totally misunderstood trial.
BIG HUGS!!
Love,
HB