They are no prize at all. I think it was a post from Hearts Blessing to someone that I’m remembering. “Stop thinking that your husband is a prize just because you married them.” I still laugh when I think of that statement.
It most likely was me, who said that or something similar. I meant no disrespect either toward the left behind spouse, or the midlife spouse. It was hard for me to face this, too, when I was going through this trial. However, it’s the truth, just because we married them, doesn’t make them a “prize” when they’re acting out, rebelling, and not being mature men/women.
An emotionally immature human being is NO prize, except to someone else who is either as emotionally immature, or more immature than the “booby prize” they’re chasing, and seeking to keep for themselves. I remember thinking that same thing at one point, as I watched two people fighting over one very immature person, who was getting all of the attention, while cheating both affair partner and left behind spouse out of having the whole of them combined into one relationship. What kind of “prize” is that? When a left behind spouse acts jealously, engages the affair partner, in a fight for the “prize,” that left behind spouse is “feeding” the drama within a bad situation, and causing it to get worse.
Besides that, I’m sure there were more than one set of raised eyebrows, when I wrote this article:
As illustrated in the above article, there are some “normal” aspects one can put into action that help to reclaim your self respect. One of those ways is by backing off, and letting them have what they say they want, letting them know that as long as they have the affair partner in a relationship, they can’t have you, too. In addition, because you respect their decisions, and you respect yourself, you begin drawing the line when they think to move back and forth between you and the affair partner, just because THEY feel guilty. This is not an ultimatum of any kind–you’re just giving them the right to choose what they want, but you’re not choosing to participate in a three-way relationship. You would not do it in “normal” circumstances, why would you do it now? Good question, because there is nothing you can do about the affair, but to leave them to it, and while it’s running its course, you’re taking that time for the purpose of walking your own journey toward wholeness and healing.
I think I gave an analogy of teenage relationships, and it’s not any different than what’s happening here, except the midlife spouse is married. However marriage doesn’t deter even the most determined adulterer, if they’re making the choice to step outside of the marriage to get their emotional needs met. People seem to become very obsessed about the sexual aspect, but affairs are NOT about sex.
Affairs are all about emotional needs that are getting met, more within the midlife spouse, than within the affair partner, who has their own agenda. Most affair partners are after money and maintenance, and have no shame at all. They don’t care about anyone but themselves, and the pocket they’re getting into for the money and the upkeep they are after.
The midlife spouse is using the affair partner for how they make them feel–special, one of a kind, and they selfishly want all of the attention. I still hold with the known Truth that it’s one of the midlife spouse’s “‘children’ of their past issues” that starts, and maintains the affair. The dynamics are like a teenage romance, but at the same time, contain very childish actions, as the midlife spouse puts everything upon the affair partner to do, and these relationships do bear a strange resemblance to a parent/child relationship.
The main reason the left behind spouse couldn’t meet the midlife spouse’s changed emotional needs, is because they have not emotionally regressed, but the midlife spouse has. This causes major changes in the dynamics of the marriage that has already ended within the midlife spouse’s mind, long before the unwanted emotional bomb was dropped.
You might not have changed a thing, but it was never you, that changed, it was the rebellious midlife spouse that changed. This change brought a crossroad, and a choice was made to end the marriage. The midlife spouse had a chance to choose what was right, but very few ever choose the moral way to go. Sin is easily fallen into, but so very hard to come out of.
So, you set the boundaries necessary to limit your contact to the sin, and back off, to allow the rebellious midlife spouse their choices, letting God have them, and Stand in Hope that they’ll eventually figure out the best thing they ever had in their lives, was standing in front of them all along. I know that I’m explaining this very real concept in another way, and while I never seek to offend anyone, I also know that the power to make choices, is a two-way street.
Both people have that power of choice, and the failure of the midlife spouse to protect the relationship comes with serious consequences for their sin against God, Spouse, and Family. Nobody ever gets away with anything, the consequences for anything done, good or bad, will always appear, given time, and circumstances. Don’t ever think that God turns a “blind eye” to sin, and though God might not move when you think He should, or could, bear in mind that God’s Time is not our time, and He is always an “on time God.”
The fact the midlife spouse has chosen to walk away from the marriage, but then try to stack the emotional “deck” in their favor, shows a total lack of respect for both you and the affair partner. Human nature often dictates to have everything one wants, to the point of neglecting every one else. To the midlife spouse it doesn’t matter if no one else gets anything, as long as THEY get what THEY want, when THEY want it. It’s selfishness that respects no boundaries.
To the midlife spouse, the affair partner AND the left behind spouse are at their disposal, to be used, and abused for whatever the midlife spouse wants and needs. If either party doesn’t “give” when the midlife spouse thinks they should “give” they’re subjected to emotional punishment. Don’t ever think the affair partner has it “better” than you, because actually, the truth is stranger than fiction. Keep in mind that one who lacks respect, cannot, and will not give respect.
I am not so sure that your H is ‘Mr. Wonderful’ to the affair partner. She takes what she gets. To help you with detachment, remind yourself that your midlife spouse is 180 from the man you knew. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you as a woman, wife or mother of his children? Do you want to be in a relationship with a boy or an emotionally mature man? It is very hard to watch someone we love self destruct, but he is doing this to himself and he has to want to stop the chaos.
That’s absolutely right.
It’s wrong to think the affair partner has got this nice life, while you have nothing. If you think about it, you’ve got it better at the moment, because you don’t have to cater to the immature whims of the midlife spouse who makes everything about themselves. The couple in an affair uses and abuses each other, and you would not want to know anything of what goes on in an affair.
Even if you did know, it wouldn’t change the situation, it wouldn’t change the fact that you need to start growing up for yourself, start living for yourself, and start binding yourself to God more closely. You cannot do anything for that midlife spouse, but you can do everything for yourself.
The only thing that stands between you, and a life you need to get for yourself, is FEAR. Fear that says if you actually show them respect for their wrong decisions at this time, and if you back off to allow them that wrong choice, setting boundaries that will limit your contact with the midlife spouse, that they will “choose” the affair, and you’ll “lose” them forever.
Respecting their right to make wrong decisions, doesn’t mean you condone their sin, either. It just means that you respect yourself enough to remove yourself from the equation, and let them hopefully feel the loss of your presence in their lives. What choices they made after that would be about them, and not you. Their choices have brought them this far, and their choices will carry them forward, while the consequences will bring them down. You can’t control their choices, right or wrong, so you let them go to choose for themselves.
One other thing you need to consider, too–the fact that you never really “had” or “owned” your spouse. Neither did they “have” or “own” you, either. Again, this is all about decisions they chose to make, based on their feelings, that was all about them, and not about you, NOR about the affair partner they’re choosing to be with.
You do not get any choice in whether the midlife spouse chooses to return, or stay gone. That kind of decision is all about them, and has nothing to do with you. Midlife spouses who make choices, do it based on what THEY want, THEY need, and neither you, the affair partner, or anyone else has anything to do with their choices made from the same free will that you have. IF they return to you, it’s going to be because of THEM..NOT YOU.
Their feelings will draw them back toward the left behind spouse, the Marital Covenant Binding will draw them, as well, but YOU, as the left behind spouse won’t have one thing to do with what the midlife spouse chooses to do. Every decision a person makes is all about deciding what is going to work for them, and no one else.
Even a normal decision made within a normal marriage is like that. Although, the spouse might discuss a decision with their husband/wife, they will bear the responsibility for the decision they make that will directly affect them whether in the short term or in the future.
When the two of you married, it was primarily because of free will. Both of you DECIDED as individuals to marry each other. You might say that love had something to do with it, but considering that people who haven’t learned the fact that love is a “choice”–I would beg to differ. Getting married is a choice, because there are many people who marry, but have no idea what love is.
I can give you a good example–My husband and I.
When we married we made a choice to do so. Our free will dictated we wanted to be with each other. Never mind what our feelings said, we made a choice, based on free will. Because of that same free will, that led to a choice of combining ourselves together as One Flesh, God bound us into the Marital Covenant, and we spoke vows to each other, pledging a lifetime, again, because of Free Will.
In due time, we had a child, and became a family, which brought even more changes, but we still chose to stay with each other, again, because of free will. We pledged to commit, without really knowing what we were getting into.
We chose these options without preparation, without knowledge, and without any real maturity to know how to handle living together. No one twisted our arm, forced us to marry, nor said that we HAD to stay together–this is in spite of the vows we took, that neither one of us understood at the time we took them. I would be the first to admit the fact that I did not understand the vow I spoke that ultimately dictated that I would be there until physical death.
This was a lifetime commitment spoken on each part, and I know for certain that neither one of us knew what we were doing, because the maturity needed to know and act to protect the relationship, was not there.
That came a lot later when the midlife crisis came forth, and took us, our marriage, and our family completely down–fractured, and destroyed the bonds that held us together in different ways, all except the Marital Covenant Binding that God holds the “spiritual scissors” to–and as it stands, He will decide if this binding remains or is cut.
Now, keep in mind, we bound ourselves together for life, as per our FREE WILL, as we stood before GOD, and MAN, and both parties witnessed our joining as One Flesh.
Now, on a side note, would I marry him again? Yes, I would, because this process of learning has been well worth the journey, and it’s still worth the journey. 🙂 We’re still learning, but it’s different now, than it was before his midlife crisis came and destroyed our lives.
At any rate, in comes the midlife crisis, and the whole house of cards we built, that we thought were so strong, completely collapsed. Again, we were faced with the consequences of our choices, and unfortunately, my husband made a choice to bail out for a time, while I stood for awhile trying to figure out what happened. It was not me, who had changed, it was my husband whose perception of me had altered or changed. He made choices that caused him to leave our marriage emotionally, and mentally, as he divorced me in his mind and emotions.
I was of no use to him, so I was discarded in his mind and heart, because what he did, and the choices he made were not about me. Remember, I no longer fit his emotional needs, therefore, I was expendable to him, but not to myself. In my own mind, I was NEVER “trash.” I still counted for something, even if it was only to God and myself. Though I chose to make his problems all about me, blamed myself, and thought I could have done more to “keep” him, UNTIL I learned otherwise, the fact was, and is, I never really “had” or even “owned” him. He was there because of a choice HE made.
He emotionally, and mentally returned to me, because he made a choice to return, and I made a choice to accept him back. We are still together, long after we worked everything out, because we choose to be. Either one of us could choose to walk away at any time–we know it, and we respect this option that neither of us chooses to exercise, but we’re both aware of it.
To expound on the above, I don’t “have” him now–he’s still choosing to stay with me, commit to his marriage, and I have no say in the matter of his choices in this aspect. It’s the same with him, he does not “have” me–I still choose to stay with him, commit to my marriage, he has no say in the matter of my choices, either. Choices belong to the individual who makes them, and are not about anyone but THEM.
There is no promise of tomorrow, because every one of us could pass away, leave this place, and that wouldn’t be about our spouses, that would be about US. In addition, they would have to deal with that particular loss. Remember that death comes in many forms, and it represents change we are forced to deal with, however we are going to choose to. Food for thought.
We do NOT “own” anyone, but ourselves, and our spouses being “MINE” is only an illusion, because vows or not, everybody is where they are, because they choose to be. Those choices might be short-term, or long-term, but they’re still free will choices that every person has a right to make. Even when you think that what a person has decided is wrong, they still have a right to make a choice, make the mistake, and we hope, learn from that mistake made.
Regardless of the event, there is always a choice to make, and a choice to break, the marriage. We’ve never had any real influence, or input into the choices of a midlife spouse who is ignoring our point of view. The point is, we never had any real control over our spouses to begin with. They always had that control, but allowed us to influence them, which gave us the illusion of having “other control” when really, we controlled nothing but ourselves, our actions, our reactions, and/or responses.
While I realize that what the midlife spouse does is morally wrong, compromises their integrity, and completely destroys the lives that are around them, I am not condoning their actions. I’m just explaining another life’s lesson that I learned from my husband’s double bouts of crisis. His sin was on him, while my choices to accept or reject him in spite of his bad behavior, was on me.
I accepted him, while rejecting his bad behavior, which means I separated the behavior from the person, I loved him, but hated, and set boundaries against his behavior. Good people do bad things, but that doesn’t make them bad people, because emotionally immature issues are what trigger bad behavior in the first place. It’s the same way God looks at us. He looks past our bad behavior to see the hurting person who has decided to lash out, and rebel, allowing the consequences for rebellion to be served against us, but He loves us anyway.
I’m not “siding” with the midlife spouse when I say they have every right to make whatever decision they deem necessary for themselves, regardless if it’s right or wrong. You, as the left behind spouse, have this same option, but the only option you don’t have is to have what you think you’re entitled to have, the midlife spouse to come home, and stop what they’re doing.
Now, that might make you mad, and that’s OK. The anger would be because you don’t understand that you NEVER, EVER, had any control over anyone, but yourself for all this time. Before the midlife crisis, we actually contain the illusion within that says we’ll always have what we want, when we want it, and our spouse will always be this wonderful person, who will always be there with us. Right? You couldn’t be more WRONG, because CHANGE came forth, influenced them into feeling differently, and in order to explore these feelings, they had to break free, and that was a choice, too.
They became DIFFERENT, showing you a side of the person you’d always been with, but didn’t know as fully as you thought you did. You say this isn’t the person you know, and that is true. However, you’re really pushing the envelope when you say this isn’t the person you married…why? Because the reality is, this IS the person you married, though, this is not the “side” or “facet” of the person you saw and perceived in them when you married.
You saw the “side” that showed you all that was good–the “real” person started coming out, within hours, days, weeks, months, and years, after you were “bound” to that person, the “game” of pursuit was over, and in their minds, there was no reason to treat you “good” anymore. So, if you’re honest, you have seen the various negative “shades” of this selfish midlife spouse, but you’ve either forgotten, or you’ve rewritten history, because you’re afraid someone’s going to tell you that you made a mistake, when you did not make a mistake, you married someone whom you needed for the purpose of your own growth, and vice versa.
The biggest mistake we ever made was choosing to “lose” our Self in someone we will never have any control over in our lives. We trusted them to “keep” us, and they didn’t, because they betrayed us, when they didn’t protect the relationship. So, we were left searching for our true identity, that we allowed to become “lost” during our lives that existed before the midlife crisis came along. A major part of our growth is learning who we truly are, as the individuals we are, and learn where we end, and everyone else begins.
We are all faced with choices, and life is full of them. Though we once leaned on someone else to make these for us, that option was taken when the unwanted emotional bomb was dropped. As a result, we will need to learn to understand that when we gave our power away, and our personal control to someone else, we made a mistake, because the midlife spouse misused, and abused our trust, when they dishonored themselves, their vows in their marriage, and emotionally betrayed us, once they chose to leave us behind for that time.
Each person is tasked with choosing their own path during this time. Choose wisely and well, because your choices made now, will affect the rest of your life.
Food for thought.
((HUGS))
