I said, “if you are so unhappy why are you still here?” his reply, “I’m invested”.
Staying married to me for the money and retirement? The house, the kids…the marriage…Invested in what?
Not all investments of a lifetime are material–there are the deeper investments that are emotional. The midlife spouse has to come to terms with those, and decide if the cost of staying will outweigh the loss they know they will face if they decided to leave everything behind and started all over again. Some realizations of loss, come all at once, depending on the emotional strength the midlife spouse has. However, for some, it’s a slowly-dawning process that does not reveal this loss all at once, because their emotional weakness would crack and break if they saw too much too soon.
I’m not blowing smoke, nor distorting mirrors when speaking about emotional weakness that really does exist within the midlife spouse that is protected by heavy denial, and deep emotional distancing. Until their strength has reached a place of being able to view themselves as the sinners they really are, you won’t get a lot out of them. Their statements are short, their reveals of information are often cryptic, and they’re often hard to understand.
Know that God, and Time will reveal more, and more faith and patience is always needed.
He’s telling the truth when he says, “I’m invested.” There are so many emotional investments your husband has made, that have been paying off in emotional dividends, throughout his lifetime. Deep within his heart, he knows he would never find anyone like you, ever again, in his life. His feelings for you are still there, even though they are buried deep under layers of wrong justification that support his actions against himself, his marriage, his family.
You’re emotionally invested too–if you think about it. You’re still there, because you’re not wanting the family to be destroyed, broken, and somewhere in your own heart, you still have a deep love for this man, and a strong commitment to your marriage, or nothing would keep you where you are.
I have 30+ years of emotional love, connection, and commitment invested within my marital relationship with my husband–and it’s been 30+ years of ups, downs, sometimes whirling around and around, because no relationship is ever truly completely stable for long periods of time. The people in this marital relationship, are continuing to change, grow, and become. These three aspects did not stop, just because the midlife crisis ended.
I could walk away at any time, as could he. However, if I did, my emotional investment would no longer pay off in the dividends I have received in the past, and in the present–togetherness, love, care, and someone being there for and with me to help with carrying a load that was truly meant for two people.
Most of all, if I walked away, my heart knows that I would lose everything I had contributed into this relationship, and I would be left to start from scratch again. These were the main aspects I also had to consider when I was transitioning across into greater maturity.
The present marital relationship does become a major emotional issue during the crisis, because it’s part of the present issues the midlife spouse must also face, and decide to keep, or discard. No one can tell them what to do, it’s a decision that lies solely upon them. The left behind spouse has this same decision to make on their own part, and no one can tell them what to do, either.
When I was facing this particular aspect–during my own time of making major decisions that would affect the rest of my life–I had to ask myself if it was going to be worth continuing to be married to this man. In spite of all of his imperfections, could I live with that decision, and how much of a price would my whole family (us three) pay if I decided to end the marriage, and break down the family unit? No one could tell me what to do–this was something I had to decide for myself, and it is a question the midlife spouse faces during their own emotional crisis/midlife crisis.
You might think, “Well, that’s a no-brainer! Of course, the midlife spouse would want to stay married to me! I’m the one who has been there all this time,” and I would tend to agree with you, because I want to see your marriage transcend this crisis, and become more fulfilling.
However, when making a major decision of this kind, there are always pros and cons that weigh in, and influence this kind of decision. It’s just as hard for the midlife spouse to know the right thing to do, as it is for the left behind spouse, who is also struggling with lack of signs, lack of hope, and the confusion this trial always brings into both lives.
People might think the midlife spouse doesn’t realize what they are losing if they chose a path that leads away from the marriage, but that’s not necessarily true. In spite of the crisis that has overlaid their personality for this time, somewhere within them, they do know the immense loss they will have to face. However, these times are short, fleeting, and often far in between until they are shown the Truth that lies beyond what they are about to do. For some it’s too much to face, and they turn back toward home. For others, their fear of facing the damage they know they’ve created is too much to overcome, and they choose a path away from home they will most certainly live to regret.
My husband once said that he had faced the crossroad of walking away from his marriage three different times, and each time the idea of simply walking away, and starting over somewhere else looked really good, but that first two times he turned away out of fear of what this change might bring for him. God had intervened lightly, while still allowing him this choice that only he could make for himself.
However, that third time, as God intervened, and worked more deeply into his heart, he said that he was “forced” to look beyond that choice, and into a future that would exist without his wife (me) in it. For him, he found that walking away and starting over was not what he wanted–he couldn’t stand the thought. He said that he still loved me, and “something” kept bringing him back to me. So not long after facing that final crossroad that presented the choice of staying, or leaving, he broke down and spoke to me about what had happened with him, and recommitted to the marriage at that time.
Of course, for him, and for me, his midlife crisis still had a final road to walk before he finished that first bout of crisis. However, at that particular point, in his midlife crisis, he had completely settled his life in the main areas of making a solid commitment to job, marriage, family, and God. Accepting the limitations of a body that will never stop aging, is never really ‘settled’ during the crisis. That’s a lifetime lesson of learning to accept the physical changes as they continue to happen for the rest of a person’s life.
For also what it’s worth, that final crossroad of choosing to leave or stay, was presented during the stage of Withdrawal. My understanding was that the other two times of facing this crossroad of staying vs. leaving was faced during replay. This first crossroad was faced before the awakening he had, and the second one was faced during the awakening he experienced.
It’s been said that the left behind spouse has the final say on choosing to continue to be married, or choosing to end the marriage, but in all honesty, there is no real “final say” in anything for just one person, because both people have choices throughout their lives that can be considered, and exercised, at any time. It is very arrogant to assume that you, as the left behind spouse, have a final say, and the midlife spouse doesn’t get that same right, because that is a two-way street like everything else. Both people have the right to have a “final say” at ANY time during their lives before, during, and after the midlife crisis.
Every decision, every aspect, every trial runs a two-way street, with both people facing the same things, the same change, the same growth, the same becoming, and learning the same lessons. Every crossroad, though faced at different times, presents both midlife spouse, and left behind spouse with the same choices to make.
Don’t ever think that you, as the left behind spouse, have the “upper hand” or the sole “corner on the market” in regards to making any decisions during this emotional crisis. Every decision that is made is all about the person who makes it, and no one person ever has any right to make a decision “for” someone else. You are not them, and they are not you. You may choose not to finish the midlife crisis with your midlife spouse, but that decision would be all about you, just as any decision to walk away and not return would be all about the midlife spouse.
These “Life Journeys,” though taken at different times, yield the exact same points of decision, points of crossroads, and life’s lessons that all people are supposed to be learning. Though the couple is married, their growth is from an individual stance, and each individual faces their own times of choosing their path.
Each path is going to either continue leading forward toward a time of reconciliation when the midlife crisis is done and past, or lead in a completely different direction, away from the midlife spouse, and into an unknown future where you may eventually know the decision you made was the best one for you.
Or you may come to regret the decision you made because you didn’t “earn” your way out of the marriage. What I mean by that is all about doing everything you could do to stay the course, walk your own journey, utilize your time wisely, and well for yourself. In addition, coming into a more full understanding that the only way out of a trial is through the learning of your own life’s lessons.
These are learned, and internalized in part, by making a Stand that will teach you more about finishing what you start, honoring your commitments, and the vows you made, than by walking away from a situation that you felt was too hard for you, but God knew it was the best thing for you. You see, He knows what we can bear, and He will not put any more on us than we can bear without asking Him for His help for the strength continue Standing in the face of adversity.
Your husband is deep in crisis, but in his estimation–as he looks at the pros and cons of staying or leaving, he has too many years, and too much time invested in where he is, to walk away. Unless you just decided to throw him out, I don’t believe he’d ever leave on his own–he thinks he still needs you, so he’s ‘invested’ himself in this lifetime of marriage, kids, house, and cars.
For some midlife spouses, they look at the “house that Jack built” and in their minds and hearts they know the best thing they have is right there with them. Family, and the deep Love that’s contained within that family isn’t just something you can find on any street corner, and they know it—but they’re so deep within this painful time of changing, growing, and becoming, that most of what they do and say, is simply a reaction to the pain that lies deep within their Self.
The best thing you can do, is tend to your own investments in love, life, and family, and keep letting him to go figure the rest of what he has invested in this life that both of you built from scratch.
The midlife spouse must figure out for themselves if the emotional investment they’ve made, and the payoff they’re getting is greater than walking away, starting over, and doing it all again from scratch.
I will say this last thing. Every midlife spouse who has sought to create a new life that was intended to “fix” their inside issues, have lived to regret their decision. Don’t think for one minute that God advocates, condones, or otherwise overlooks adulterous actions. For everything a person does, every sin they commit, and every bit of dishonor they seek to visit upon the marriage they destroy, God will ensure they suffer serious and severe consequences for their actions. You might think they’re happy, but I can tell you that they are not happy at all. They are miserable, and as well they should be, because no person on this Earth can do wrong and get by with it.
There is always a cost to pay, and each person has to determine if it’s worth the sacrifice and full destruction of their character to have a few minutes of what they think is “peace” and “happiness” just because they don’t wish the walk the harder road that will lead into the eventual peace and happiness of experiencing full emotional maturity.
As an added note: Right or wrong, every person has a right to make a decision for themselves, based on what information they may or may not have at the time they’re facing it. It doesn’t mean that what they decide is a right thing according to the perception, and knowledge of the left behind spouse who is most often being negatively affected. However, most unfortunately no “outside” influence ever really gets a controlling interest in what their midlife spouse may decide to do, or not to do.
I also agree that Society does not help in their lax, and lackadaisical attitudes that paint the picture of, “If it makes you happy, then do it. It doesn’t matter what it may cost the children–children are resilient, they’ll get over it! This is all about you! You only live one time, so make the most of it, and if none of your relationships, including marriage, aren’t working, dump them, you don’t need them!” What a load of crap! The most valuable pieces of learning you will ever have the opportunity to learn doesn’t come in a vacuum, doesn’t come by “osmosis” while you sit alone, and do nothing–these come via relationships that involve two people who will hopefully spend a lifetime teaching each other the lessons of life, and the advanced lessons of how to live and thrive within a marital relationship going forward. This same learning will never stop until each person transitions out of this world via physical death.
On my part, because I’m already on the other side of this journey, I say that people have a lot of growing up to do. These misguiding, and misleading falsehoods that Society has to convey, aren’t being spoken from a point of mature growth–these are spoken from a point of deeply immature aspects that beg to be outgrown. However, I can’t change Society’s view of marriage, divorce, children who are damaged later in life, nor can I change the world on a dime.
All I can do is keep doing the work that I do here, and let God have the whole of Society to work with, and upon. I’m just one person who has a limited reach unless someone pitches in, and helps to extend my platform, by taking these links that lead into the many articles I’ve written over time, and graciously passes them to other people so they will hopefully benefit by learning something different, something new.
I still have faith that God knows what’s best for every individual on this Earth, so I will leave the problems of others in His Hands, as I know I should, while I continue to concentrate on those who are within my immediate reach–just as God would have me to do.
Food for thought.
((HUGS))
