This is advice on how one should handle midlife spouses who try to have a relationship with the affair partner, and the left behind spouse at the same time. It is actually about using common sense, because you have to ask yourself one question–If you were seeing someone exclusively, and you discovered, by accident or design that they were seeing someone else in secret, would you be pursuing that person for a relationship?
If you say yes, you’re missing the point of this exercise completely. No one single person is ever worth pursuing as long as they are involved in a relationship with someone else. Their affections, their attentions, their minds, and their hearts are being given to someone else. What are you getting, if anything? Leftovers, scraps, and total disrespect.
Put your marriage aside for a moment, and look at this from a totally relational point of view–committed relationships are about how many people? Two people. There is a reason that “two’s company, three’s a crowd.” If you have one person dividing themselves between two people, neither one of those two people ever have “all” of that person.
What’s happening is the one that is seeing the two people has their emotional needs divided between two relationships–and no human being on this Earth can love two people in the same way. When you discover an affair, it becomes an issue of self respect, plus an issue of respecting a decision made by your spouse that you wouldn’t make, but they have chosen to make.
The major lesson the wayward midlife spouse should learn is that no person can ever have it both ways, nor have the best of both worlds. So, because you respect yourself enough not to participate in a triangular relational situation, you simply make it clear that as long as they’re having a relationship with someone else, that they cannot have a relationship with you. Then, you step back, go dark, go silent, do something else, but remove yourself completely from that equation.
Oh, I get it–you’re afraid that if you remove yourself, you’ll “lose” something–WHAT are you losing? Look this picture honestly, and tell me again WHAT are you losing? Your midlife spouse has chosen a path of immaturity that involves the betrayal of trust, betrayal of love, betrayal of vows, betrayal of commitment, and betrayal of family.
Not to mention that IF sex is involved, it’s also a betrayal of life, because IF they’re so stupid to not use protection, then a pregnancy can happen, OR worse (yes, worse), they’ll contract a sexually transmitted disease that could be transmitted to you. Is this worth participating in a three-way relationship that is only benefiting ONE person–the CHEATER?
You have to determine what you will tolerate in the way of behavior, and respond accordingly. Some people might say that what I’m advising is an ultimatum. No, you’re not giving an ultimatum, you’re extending a choice only the cheater can make. An ultimatum is demanding a choice–you or them…and ultimatums can backfire if not carried out at a right time. So, I rarely ever advise people to set down an ultimatum, unless I see it’s necessary.
Until you realize that the risk isn’t worth the perceived reward, you’ll continue chasing the cheater, who actually LOVES to be pursued, by the way, because it makes them feel special, wanted, desired, and that’s an immature trait. Immaturity, and lack of understanding what an exclusive commitment really means was part of what drove them down the road to get into the midlife crisis affair in the first place. The rest of it is a clear division of emotional needs, without choosing to combine all of those needs, and investing these into one person.
What people don’t often understand that as long as they are participating in triangular relationship, and are putting themselves in direct competition with the affair partner, they are not only sacrificing their self-respect, they are also over-investing themselves in someone who cannot be trusted, and who is only using the marriage as a “fail-safe” or a “fall back” just in case the affair doesn’t work out.
The affair itself is about the two people in it, who are liars, deceivers, cheaters, and if both are married, but not to each other, they are trying to cling to both sides of the emotional fence. What the left behind spouse needs to do is remove the safety net that is allowing the midlife spouse to think they are in a “win-win” situation, and cause that midlife spouse to begin to understand they are now in a “lose-lose” situation.
Many a midlife spouse has gambled their very lives, and lost, because the left behind spouse is only human, and has a clear limit to how far they will go before they might eventually choose to file for a divorce because of physical adultery.
The left behind spouse who makes it clear that as long as the midlife spouse is involved with another person, they cannot have a relationship with them must understand that there may not be a response or reaction at first. Why? Because the midlife spouse is sure at that time that the left behind really didn’t mean it, they won’t hold their ground, they’ll be back, and all kinds of other deceptive thoughts will go through their brains that is clouded with infatuation, and emotional addiction.
Midlife spouses are often so entitled and arrogant, they really don’t believe they could be “left behind.” Yes, they really think they’re that special, that much of a prize, and why they think that is based on outside circumstances. They have someone to have fun with, while they also have someone who will take care of business. They have it good, while they have two people who want them at the same time. But when they begin losing, and they finally open their eyes to the losing of someone they really did NOT intend to lose–which is the left behind spouse, then things should start to change, although it will take time, before you might see any results.
Something else the left behind spouse may not realize and that is the midlife spouse thus engaged, has NO respect for either of the two people they’re trying to balance their time between. Both people are being controlled, used, and manipulated for different purposes. It’s extremely disrespectful for one person to seek to have the attention of two different people, because neither person ever has the whole attention/regard/consideration/commitment of the one who is divided against himself/herself.
Sometimes, too, when you back off, and let the rebellious person have what they say they want, they’ll find they don’t want it, after all. As long as you argue, fuss, and fight about whom the midlife spouse is involved with, they have no incentive to let go of that other person, because you’re feeding their justification for keeping that third party. STOP fighting them, back off, make your intentions known as respecting their choice, and cut off contact with them.
It may take some time for the adulterous midlife spouse to realize you mean business, you’re leaving them behind, and human nature usually takes over from there, because it often dictates that people will always want what they can’t have. People often pursue what has been taken away, and placed out of reach of their greedy, grasping, and grubbing hands.
The adulterous midlife spouse may seek to draw you back, pursue you, and even try to woo you back into the emotional “box” they sought to put you in, but you can’t allow that to happen until you see some major changes. It would be perfectly OK to ask them if the affair partner is still in the picture. And since you know, they’ll lie to get what they want, it’s also perfectly OK to let them know you want solid proof, because you can NOT take their word for it.
How should you act? Calm, cool, and collected, because remember, you are NOT losing anything IF the midlife spouse decides to go ahead, and go on with the affair partner. That would be the worst mistake the midlife spouse could make, but hey, it’s their mistake, not yours. You’re letting them have what they say they want, because you know you can’t make them break up with the affair partner, and return to you–you can’t control them, their wants, their needs, nor their desires. You can only decide to remove yourself from an equation they tried to create for the purpose of keeping themselves entertained, and happy.
Every house of cards was not designed to stand forever, and the winds of change will always blow them off the table. Have courage, create a change, let go, because if you think about it, you don’t want them returning because you forced them to, you want them to return because they wanted to. The majority of midlife affairs were never intended to be permanent to begin with. People can say whatever they want, but somewhere within the midlife spouse they only wanted someone to understand them, to help them through a bad time in their lives that the left behind spouse was not, and will not ever be equipped to do.
I have seen situations that could have come back together, but didn’t, because they were sabotaged by a left behind spouse who would not take the advice to leave the affair alone, stop dabbling, and let it run its full course. If people would take to heart the length of their marriages, the past history they have built with their spouse, and also take the advice to let go, let God work in the situation, take their journeys for themselves, and leave everything alone, it could increase the possibility of the midlife spouse returning, even though they will still be emotionally broken upon that return.
Remove yourself from the equation that involves a relational triangle. Respect yourself enough to show respect for the midlife spouse’s right to choose for themselves. It’s the only way you might influence them into hopefully realizing what they’re losing in you. When/If the midlife spouse finally wakes up, and begins to realize you’re unreachable, they might decide the affair partner isn’t worth their time and attention after all.
