I have a question about bomb drop. Other web sites state that it is at the beginning of replay. My wife gave me the drop on Jan 17, 2014. Her actions now that I have been through a lot of counseling is that she could have been in replay months before bomb drop. Is this possible? Nothing I’ve read is clear cut on when during replay bomb drop can occur. I just know that with a lot of prayer and sites like this and help from God that I am a stronger more independent person that has strengthened my commitment to our lord and savior. Many thanks for your articles.
Hi Scott, 🙂
As a general rule of thumb, and we are talking about the unwanted emotional bomb that alerts the left-behind spouse in a direct way that something is seriously wrong within the marriage, this bomb is usually dropped at the beginning of Replay. However, it CAN ALSO be dropped halfway through Replay, and even 3/4 of the way through Replay, depending on what the mid-life spouse is facing within themselves in the way of emotional issues. This is because the increasing emotional pressure within the mid-life spouse is what actually dictates the timing of when it will be dropped.
Since every person is different, every mid-life crisis is different–what one mid-life spouse will do, another will not.
Each mid-life spouse carries unique emotional aspects within themselves. While some left-behind spouses, for example, will see their mid-life spouses have affairs, some will NOT have affairs. While some left-behind spouses will see their mid-life spouses show a multitude of signs that point to seriously overt replay/running behaviors, some will NOT show any signs or not show very many signs.
Keep in mind that each person is different in how they’ll choose to approach various aspects of the transition/crisis as a whole.
If you read the stage of anger that comes just before replay, you will see that some running behaviors, as well as overtly shown rebellious behaviors that closely resemble replay, would already be showing, because when they become angry at what they perceive has begun to happen to them, they begin to try to “fix” their perceived miserable and extremely angry feelings by beginning to search for outside solutions for what is honestly inside problems.
Their anger is used as an emotional “shield” to help them avoid seeking for answers within themselves, every answer they seek on the outside, is actually contained WITHIN themselves. However, at that point of their emotional transition/crisis, they are unable to confront themselves, as taking this honest look is too much for them, so they do look in an outward fashion for solutions that won’t be found, regardless of where they may seek.
This doesn’t stop the pressure from building on the inside, as they’re literally in “pieces”, and each piece is very painful–always poking, prodding, pushing, pressuring them–and they often feel like they are turning “inside out” as the pain continues increasing like a pressure cooker that gets ready to “whistle” when it gets ready to “blow off” the intense amount of pressure that has gathered within the cooker.
This is the basis for the angry, confused spewing often seen–and this same aspect, also pushes them at times into “Jekyll and Hyde” type behavior; only you see “Mr. Hyde” when they’re blowing the emotional pressure outward. When the mid-life spouse comes to a point of dropping the emotional bomb, their inner pressure has reached critical mass, so to speak, and it MUST blow outward, because it can no longer be contained.
Make no mistake, the mid-life spouse knows they’re wrong, and that’s why they try to hold these feelings back, but at the same time, they’re driven by forces they cannot seem to control–that’s why they also appear so emotionally out of control..because their emotional control is on a “hair-trigger” at all times…and after that first emotional bomb, it becomes much easier for them to blow outward each time the inward pressure increases again, within themselves.
Sometimes the left-behind spouse triggers some, or most of these episodes, because at certain points of time, early after the emotional bomb drop, they still aren’t at a place of understanding that in order to emotionally survive these onslaughts, they would need to handle the often raging mid-life spouse with an aura of calm detachment, which usually takes away the emotional ammunition that would normally “feed” the mid-life spouse’s justifications for their bad treatment of the left-behind spouse.
But, I digress..however my digression may help your understanding a little more. 🙂
To continue the discussion:
In fact, the actual “beginnings” or “in process” aspects, like already being friends with the person they will eventually cross the line with into the mid-life affair, or drug usage, or heavy drinking, that points toward clear avoidance behaviors will already be showing, but the left-behind spouse won’t be aware of it, nor really see this clearly, until they look back in hindsight.
These are examples of the various “seeds” of the next phase that are sown during the phase before, if that makes sense. So, from what little you’re describing, your wife was beginning to show signs (actually the “seeds” of replay that were planted in preparation, while still within the Anger phase/stage) of replay behavior before she ever reached replay.
However, once she began to cross over into replay, her anger increased to the point that the emotional “door” opened, the “children of her issues” spilled outward, the most painful issue in her life was presented to her, one that she could NOT FACE because of all of the pain that spilled out with this, and the emotional pressure plus the greater pain, was more than she could take.
In desperation, because she could not look within at that time, (at this time, she is still NOT looking within herself), she, instead, looked directly at you, her spouse, as the one to blame for all this increased emotional pain she was beginning to suffer.
So, in order to try and “fix” this increased pain that she wrongly perceived was caused by you, she then “bombed” you, in an effort to “annihilate” you emotionally—to some extent it worked, because you got hurt, but what the mid-life spouse “hopes” might happen, because of their skewed perception, the removal of what they think (wrongly perceive) is the direct source of their pain, doesn’t happen, because the left-behind spouse still loves the mid-life spouse.
The left-behind spouse also knows that none of this is “normal” behavior on the part of the mid-life spouse, so they do the complete opposite of what the mid-life spouse expects them to do; the left-behind spouse stays right there instead of allowing themselves to be chased away.
Now, obviously, again, owing to the differences in people as a whole, not every left-behind spouse has a “knee-jerk” emotional response, and not all of them immediately kick the mid-life spouse from the home. However, I have dealt with people who have done just that and regretted doing that, because they found the mid-life spouse wouldn’t let it go, for what seemed the longest of times, using that one mistake to justify why they won’t return home.
To be fair, the LBS is a human being who was hurting beyond belief, but the mid-life spouse doesn’t care about that, they only care about what was done to THEM, but don’t seem to want to see why–that’s because they don’t WANT to see why. This is true **avoidance** behavior
Sadly, they’re seeking to twist an already deep emotional knife even deeper within the left-behind spouses back and heart, because mid-life spouses are also very vindictive, with or without provocation.
However, that’s another story..so I will stop there. 🙂 I hope that helped answer your question, Scott. 🙂
((hugs))
I have a question about bomb drop. Other web sites state that it is at the beginning of replay. My wife gave me the drop on Jan 17, 2014. Her actions now that I have been through a lot of counseling is that she could have been in replay months before bomb drop. Is this possible? Nothing I’ve read is clear cut on when during replay bomb drop can occur. I just know that with a lot of prayer and sites like this and help from God that I am a stronger more independent person that has strengthened my commitment to our lord and savior. Many thanks for your articles.
Yes it did, thank you so much for your information. When this all beegan I had no clue what was going on until a coworker said he went thru it about 9 years ago and because he didn’t have the information that is available now his marriage did not survive it. Unfortunately mine will not either she has pushed for a divorce from the beginning and we are now in negotiations. I love my wife with all that I am but I know that detaching and letting her do what she needs is the only hope that I have that she may return some day. Until then many thanks
I didn’t get divorced, but divorce is NOT necessarily the end, Scott..trust the Lord in this–He would not have you seeking for information if your marriage was completely over..and divorce is just a piece of paper, that’s all…seek the Lord on this. Don’t give up just because she gets a divorce…I’ve seen situations that reconciled later, even after a divorce was gotten.
Scott, I went through the MLC back in 2002, and there was even less info on the MLC back then. God was watching out for me, because He made certain I had someone sent by Him to help me with this-knowing my needs before I even knew what they were. He also made certain that I was set up in my own beginnings in preparation for this time, because I started my initial “teaching platform” back then upon His instruction–then was taken off in 2003–and stayed gone from the world of MLC–until 2010, one year after I finished my transition. I can see why the Lord did what He did.
Even with what you can see and read now on MLC, it’s not all accurate information, and one must needs to be careful whom they entrust to answer their questions. When the Lord instructed me to start this site, He had let me know that He would send those who needed help–He has done that, and continued to do this. Follow your Intuition, as God knows when the time of your wife’s return will be, and as always, He will be with you even as He guides you forward, and of course, you know to trust Him. 🙂 🙂 🙂
((hugs)) God go with you as you continue moving forward in your journey, Scott.
HB,
I wrote to you last week about the timing of the emotional bomb drop. Well this weekend I took a devistating hit. My wife’s alienator posted on her facebook page that they were getting married and he was going to ask her soon and she has told family that she will accept his proposal. Our divorce is still no where near over. I know this was a crap shoot from the beginning. I need advice opn how to be a stanchion under circumstances like this? or do I just pray God grant me strength to overcome the pain and move on?
Hi Scott,
My wife’s alienator posted on her facebook page that they were getting married and he was going to ask her soon and she has told family that she will accept his proposal.
I hate to sound like a hateful harpy but don’t look at Facebook! All it’s going to do is hurt you worse–and you’re hurting badly enough.
However, you would have found this out soon enough. Don’t let what your wife does deter you from your own journey, Scott. In the end, she’s hurting herself, thinking to fix herself by going on and marrying this man she’s currently entangled with.
Most of the time, when people in an affair go on and get married, one or both of them is subjected to the same problems as before, because a new partner isn’t going to fix what’s wrong within oneself.
Couple that with the fact they started in a deceitful, adulterous relationship, and you have an emotional bomb waiting to happen in that aspect.
You have a decision to make at this point, before you move forward any farther within the aspect of continuing to stand for this marriage.
While I know that God will not recognize this remarriage, it will only add more to what you would be called upon to overcome for yourself. It is possible, that the mid-life spouse will figure out the drastic mistake she has made, and eventually want to return to you, and this has been done before, but at the same time, you are facing another huge hurdle within a long line of hurdles you’ve faced with for all this time.
If she were to decide to marry this man, and figured out later that it was a mistake, could you still take her back? That’s a question only you could answer.
Some people can’t do it, but then, some people can.
I need advice opn how to be a stanchion under circumstances like this? As I said, you’re at a crossroad at the moment, and this isn’t a decision you would need to make lightly, but what decision you make would because of what you would choose to do, and not because of her.
or do I just pray God grant me strength to overcome the pain and move on?
I know I’m answering a question with a question–but what do YOU want to do? You know that God fully released you from your marriage at the time your wife committed physical adultery, so you know you have that open door. You’d chosen to Stand, then she goes into process of divorce, and now it’s likely she may remarry not long after the divorce is final.
Of course, you KNOW that’s really messed up, but that’s beside the point. This decision lays fully on you–and I would suggest that you lay this same question before God, and ask Him what He would have you do. Only He knows the future in full, Scott, and only He has this bigger picture.
I fully support people who choose to continue standing after divorce is over, and I have watched several situations where the mid-life spouse remarried, figured out they made a huge mistake, and decided to try and return back to the left-behind spouse they abandoned. I once thought that remarriage was the end, but my growth in understanding, knowledge, and wisdom has grown a great deal within the past year, and I have come into so many new understandings within this area.
If you choose to continue forward–you would shift your focus completely on yourself, continue walking your own journey, and give this time. IF it comes to a point of no return, and you are to stop your stand at any point, God will let you know in such a clear way that there will be no room for misunderstanding on your part.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
Thanks HB you truly are a God send for people like me.
HB,
I ahevanother question for you. I have read in your articles that replay can last up to two years or longer. Another site says minimum of two years. Is it possible for replay to be shorter?
Hi Scott,
I ahevanother question for you. I have read in your articles that replay can last up to two years or longer. Another site says minimum of two years. Is it possible for replay to be shorter?
Bear in mind that the crisis as a whole is based on what past issues are set to be faced within each individual person going through-regression and rewind, also known as replay, is all about reliving times of life that weren’t completed, trying to “fix” various past emotional mistakes that were made, trying to heal past childhood issues, and also about facing, resolving and healing “unfinished” emotional business-such as finally learning to break free as a truly independent thinker within themselves, learning to blaze their own individual emotional trails forward, and in time, learning to grow into an emotional place they didn’t grow into during Puberty. Of course these things also extend past the time you’re speaking, but emotional growth takes place in an ongoing fashion throughout the mid-life crisis.
If that person makes no serious emotional mistakes during that particular phase/stage(and there ARE people who will retain the honor of and within their core character, although these are few and far in between), then yes, it IS possible for replay to be shorter.
The more “running behaviors” that are used to avoid the facing of their past issues, the longer replay will extend in time. If the mid-life affair is one of those running behaviors–that can make a big difference, and seriously extend the time in replay to a much longer time.
Since no one but the person going through has any real control over what the mid-life spouse chooses to do, when they choose do it, one cannot really speculate a whole lot in this area.
No one who writes anything on this time of life has any real solid indication of how long replay will be–no one can really say with any definite knowing that replay would be a minimum of two years since whatever writer you read is NOT every person, and every person is NOT the writer. God Himself is the ONLY one who knows how long any phase in this crisis will be. As each person is different each MLC is different–what one will do, another will not or may not—and total regression for each person, while there may be similarities in each individual situation, will certainly not be the exact same, owing to the differences in people as whole.
I have begun to get away from a lot of this type of “time” speculation as of late, except to generalize things in such a way as to show possibilities–not absolutes, nor guarantees, as neither one exists within this time of life. The only guarantee anyone will ever have is what they accomplish within themselves while walking their own individual journey that leads into eventual wholeness and healing–anything else is based on possibilities, and placing one’s faith and hope in God, who is the main driving force in control of these growing phases/stages.
Also, since no one but the person going through any phase/stage of the MLC has any real control over how long it will take them to come through, so it often varies, based on that fact. There is nothing you can do to speed it up, although there are things one can do to slow the mid-life spouse down in their walking on this emotional tightrope.
While I understand you’re continuing to learn about the crisis as a whole–all one can really do is learn to let go, let God do His work upon the mid-life spouse, and learn to focus entirely upon oneself, while allowing the mid-life spouse to do the same.
You’re always going to read conflicting views within any debatable subject, so you learn to take what you need, and leave the rest for someone else–I have seen my own views grow and change over the many years I have been writing on the mid-life crisis, and as time goes on, I continue to learn more, and make more connections over time, and I will usually update my learning as I go forward. You’ll find your own learning in this area go through a transformation over time, too.
Never forget to look directly to the Lord for what’s relevant within your own direct situation–what your Intuition speaks to you is more important than anything that anyone else writes, although what you read will always help increase your own understanding. 🙂
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
HB,
I messed up in the worst way. Yesterday my 19 year old son spent the night with his mother in her apartment. He asked me to text him to make sure he was up for work. So I did, a few minutes later I texted him again to ask if his mother had complied with a boundary that he had set for her which is, the alienator is not allowed to be there when he is. He was in the shower and she looked at my text when it came in. Oh lord, she spewed heavily at me for at least an hour telling me how her life is none of my business and that I don’t control her anymore. She spewed at me with insults and things that I never thought I would hear out of her mouth. Anyway I had set a boundary before with her because of this very thing that if she could not text or talk to me in a respectful manner do not bother. But yesterday I blew it. I spewed right back at her for all those hurtful things and I told her that her and her alienator were both adulterers and I told her i hated her at least a dozen times. She stopped texting me and I was glad for that but now I feel terrible because after the past 5 1/2 months of hell that she has put me thru I still love her with all my heart. What should I do? Should I text her to apologize? I know I probably drove her further to him but I’m so tired of being hurt. I was bombed on Jan17 2014 and she left that nioght and has not returned. She says she has only been with OM since March but my gut tells me he was in the picture when she left. I’m confused about what to do. She has cycled back a couple of times. I have attended counseling every week since the beginning and everyone that knows me says that I’m a different person and both my boys say they are proud of the changes I have made but every chance she gets she tells me I’m a snake and haven’t changed a bit. She accuses me of things in our relationship that are backward. She says I was controlling of spending money where she was in charge of the finances and I had to ask for permission basically before I could even put gas in my truck. I detach and she pursues. I’m so hurt and confused right now. I want this to work out. I got scared of her divorce threats and her careless spending that I sought an attorney and filed for divorce back in March. This is what she uses as her excuse for the affair. She tells everyone that I had filed for divorce so it is OK. I know now that this was premature and I should have waited however I cant stop it because she counter claimed against me for mental cruelty because of all the text messages I sent in the beginning trying frantically to get her back, so now there is no way to stop it unless she puulls the plug on her end, which isn’t going to happen. Anyway, I keep reading about people and the spouses seeing each other and talking. We don’t do this. It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen that beautiful lady. Does this mean her crisis is more sever. I apologize for the length.
Hey Scott,
Quite honestly, I don’t see where you really messed up anything. Your wife is to blame for all this happening. Why? Because SHE snooped in a phone that was NOT hers, and the text she read was between yourself, and your 19 year old son, who is an adult-NONE OF HER BUSINESS–So, her anger at you wasn’t justified in the first place. Well, she spewed, and you came back at her. It looks like you hit with her with nothing but truth darts–except for the part where you said you hated her.
Don’t beat yourself up over this–I figure you released a lot of pent up anger. Now, sir, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself for being human, and walk forward.
She is deep within her affair at the moment, so her heart is turned away from you, Scott..this is not your doing, this her problem, and hers alone. All you can do is continue to live your life, keep your boundaries set for yourself, keep building your relationship with your son, and leave that lady to twist in the emotional wind for herself.
Nothing you can do for her now, although you can do everything for yourself. She’ll wake up sooner or later–give all this time, and let her go for now. She has to figure out for herself that the other man is not what she wanted, and this will take time.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
HB