For each trial we face, we will gain something as a result, if we are willing to endure through to the finish line. Every person on this earth has a process to follow that will lead to full and complete maturation in every way-physically, mentally, emotionally, and continuing to grow spiritually.
There are people who are physically and mentally mature and spiritually growing, but they are emotionally immature. The goal of the Transitional Period/MidLife Crisis/Journey to Wholeness and Healing is full emotional maturation. The emotional aspect is usually the LAST aspect people attain if they choose to do the work to attain this aspect.
If people don’t choose to learn the Lessons of Life, they will continue to cycle around and back, along with the issues associated with this learning; in one form or another, until they are learned, or that person passes away without learning them-in other words, die trying.
In order to not have to go through a full transitional period that strikes between the mid-thirties (midlife), and the mid-fifties (threshold of the third age, which is known as advanced, or “later life”), all of life’s lessons and the aspects must be learned, utilized, and exercised. This would be, so, that when the midlife aspect comes, it will become a “course adjustment” as opposed to an actual transitional period designed to create a true emotional balance out of a former imbalance.
During the midlife transitional period that can lead to a major mid-life crisis, logical thinking is set aside, because the emotional aspect takes hold. To explain, people within the emotional crisis tend to think emotionally, rather than logically.
If they were thinking logically, half the things you see them do would not happen. Since they have issues that come forth in the form of certain-aged children, you will see an even greater immaturity, than what you were seeing before the midlife crisis ever came about. Within this developmental process, they are struggling to grow up emotionally; to “outgrow” the immature aspects they have always contained within, but never finished maturing within the emotional aspect.
If things were what they were supposed to be between both people within a marriage, then what is a MidLife Crisis now, would NOT have been anything more than a “small bump in life’s road” also known as an emotional “course adjustment.”
An emotional “course adjustment” means that people would simply take stock of where they are, where they have been, look ahead to see where they may be going, and simply “course correct.” If done in this way, it would not involve all the upheaval that people in crisis have caused for their marriages, and families.
To drive this point home: The ONLY way to keep what would normally be a hard transitional period from being nothing more than an emotional “course adjustment” people would need to learn Life’s Lessons, and all the aspects surrounding these. This important learning cannot be done in part; it must be done in full.
If in doubt, ask God directly for your own clarification. He was the one who created this time of life, and He was the one who has taught this to me over time.
Now, your children should also be learning by following your example or you hope they do. They, too, are required to learn these same things and go through the same journey that we, as their parents, are currently (or supposed to be), walking through. It is the only way they would be able to go down the alternate path of an emotional “course adjustment” vs. a “midlife transitional period” that may or may not become a full-blown midlife crisis.
You, as parents, have a distinct advantage that your parents did not have. You are gaining knowledge, by the Grace of God, that your parents did not have, nor did they have the opportunity to attain. You also have a clear opportunity and hope to turn the tide, within the realm of positively influencing your children, to help them learn these same lessons. If your children are receptive, and willing, it will increase the chance of their midlife years being positive, rather than negative.
Life’s lessons can be learned at any time, from the time of puberty, going forward, and various opportunities are presented all during that time, right into the time of midlife, and beyond that point.
Once the awareness of what we all to need to learn for ourselves comes forth, the issues we need to face, resolve and heal, that would lead into the learning of Life’s Lessons, do not just “go away.” These will continue returning, every chance they get, to poke us, prod us, and to push us, into action.
After the time of midlife, the opportunities become harder each time the various lessons, which we have stubbornly refused to learn, cycle back. Each time becomes harder to endure, and our time of trial becomes longer. The worse we struggle against this necessary learning, the more miserable we will become. It is something to consider.
Now, as to why we marry as we do, that is a very simple one. People argue against this aspect the most. They like to think they have married the “wrong” person, to justify leaving their marriage when the midlife crisis disrupts their lives. This is simply not true; each of us married the right person for our own needs, at certain times of our lives.
God will always give us exactly what we need when we need it. The truth is, at certain stages of our own emotional development, we do not know what we really want or need. The only reason we come for help in the beginning, just after the emotional bomb drop, is only because we are forced into this situation by the intense emotional pain we are experiencing (The midlife crisis is the most likely situation, where this is accomplished).
As we struggle with understanding the midlife transition/crisis, the time comes when we may eventually see the need to examine ourselves deeply, with deep honesty, target all issues, and aspects within that need change, growth and becoming, and then learn to heal ourselves.
The issues that we contain within, at the time of meeting our spouses before marriage, do draw our partners to us. The issues that exist within them also draw us to them, as their issues really do complement(meaning different, but able to go together with) the issues within ourselves. We are drawn to what is familiar to us, and they are drawn to what is familiar to them. Because none of us know what’s “good” for us, we seem to draw “bad” partners, when actually, they are a perfect fit for us, as individuals.
Now, people talk about carrying emotional “baggage” from one relationship into the next. Well, that’s what our issues are. When we do not do the necessary inner work within ourselves, the emotional “baggage” continues to exist within us.
If we really were, what we were meant to become when we were younger, we would not have given our current spouses a second look, and that is a fact. We would have already known what was right for us, and we would not have found ourselves in this kind of situation. You might argue that I am wrong, but I do not think so.
To explain further, you are all currently involved in the situation of the midlife transition/crisis with your spouse. Why? Because they have issues, that at the very least, you had no idea they had,(or maybe you did) because you once thought they were as normal, as they could be, when they were not, and since your issues complemented their issues, (and vice versa) neither were you, as normal as you could be.
To one extent or another, there are and have always been (this is not an exhaustive list) rescuers, passive and aggressive fixers, emotional manipulators, emotional controllers, and narcissists. In addition, there are those who suffer from poor boundaries, avoiders, people-pleasers, containing various passive-aggressive traits within, and co-dependents amongst all of us–and that list continues.
We have all been guilty of showing some of, or all of these type traits, at one time or another in various forms, greater, or lesser. If you say you have not ever had some or most of these, you are not being very honest with yourself. In all honesty, I would be the first to admit, that I, too, had once shown these same traits in the past.
How do you think I have learned to recognize these aspects in people?
Simple, I walked the emotional journey to completion. Over time, I did all of the work required within myself, and never forgot all I had learned from that experience.
Oh my Lord, it was such a painful journey, but well worth the effort! I went through it twice, once, during his midlife crisis, and then a second time, during my own transitional period.
Had I forgotten all I had learned, when I came out of all of it, it would have defeated the purpose of my work being what it became, the teaching of the midlife crisis, which connects very neatly in many ways to the Journey to Wholeness and Healing.
I learned to make the connections that were necessary to continue writing the truths that I began exposing back in 2002.
At that time, I wrote for over a year and a half, starting with the stages of the midlife crisis, then, I went into the writing of the Lessons of Life. Once I returned to the Internet in 2010, I found that I had not even scratched the surface. I knew some of it, but did not know half of what I know now.
The beauty of hindsight is that it is truly 20/20, and the most insight gained within each individual, often comes long after a trial is finished. The learning continues for a lifetime.
When you walk into the first part of your Journey to Wholeness and Healing, you learn (or should learn) to see yourself in full reality, rather than seeing yourself as what you always thought you were.
None of us are ever the people we think we are. I, too, found that to be true when I was walking this same road. You will learn, just as I also did, to stop lying to yourself. In that process, you will also learn to exercise clear unadulterated honesty within yourself.
You cannot help yourself if you exercise any form of avoidant-type thinking, which comes through the lies we were once guilty of telling ourselves.
You will learn, through the receiving of guidance from someone (or God, or through more than one person), who knows a little more than you do, to finally accept that you are truly flawed (and broken) deep within yourself. You will find that you have issues that need targeting, examining, and healing. You will learn to see the various areas within yourself that need improving.
Upon seeing all these things, you should begin this work in earnest, which will continue to lead into change, into growth, and then, into becoming what God means for you to become. Only then, will you be able to see clearly for the first time what is wrong within the spouse you had married.
In this process, you should also see that everything, in yourself and your midlife spouses/significant others, does not all have to do with the current midlife crisis. There was something wrong, long before that happened, or again, you would not have given them a second look.
For what it is worth, they would not have given you a second look either, unless both of you had already become what you were supposed to have become within the realm of full emotional maturation at the time you met and married. In any case, if that were true, you would not be here now.
However, I digress.
After you see your spouse in reality past and present, only then, will you become able to begin seeing what was wrong within your marital dynamics. It is a major part of continuing through the change, growth, and becoming aspect within the ongoing journey.
Once all three realities are faced in full, and your own self-healing continues, you will pass the halfway mark of your own journey. In turn, this leads into a more intense learning to accept, forgive and heal.
The second half takes longer than the first half, because the first half involves learning what is wrong before you can learn to do what is right, if that makes sense.
It is all a process, and for both spouses, (the person in crisis, and their spouse), the journeys are identical.
It is the same lessons, the same type of learning for both people; it is up to each person as an individual, and the time taken to complete this journey? Well, that is also up to each one as an individual. Each person is different, their issues may be different in some ways, but there are more similarities than you might think or realize between yourself, and your spouse.
You would probably be surprised to find that the two of you have many of the same past emotional issues, with a few, but not that many, differences. Again, you will only see that, if you are completely honest with yourself. Self-honesty is important during this extremely hard emotional journey. If you are not exercising self-honesty, you are not hurting anyone but yourself.
Then, you learn to accept, (in this order), yourself, the one you married, and the past marital dynamics. After that, you learn to forgive each aspect of each third: Yourself, the one you married, and, eventually, both of you should learn to forgive each other for the contributions you each made that led to the breakdown of your past marriage.
Last, but not least, is the healing aspect, which occurs as you go forward. Eventually, this will lead forward into full healing within you. All of which takes time to accomplish.
It is all part of both people’s journeys. The lessons learned are the same for both people-the only difference is the timing.
This is not going to happen all at one time. However, regardless of whether your marriage is eventually reconciled or not, these things should still be accomplished within, as these are important to lead into full emotional maturation, which is the ultimate goal of the midlife transitional period.
Food for thought.
((hugs))
HB
