At this point in my journey, I’m honestly not sure I WANT my husband to come home anymore. Is that part of detachment or is that losing hope? I just don’t know. I feel I am a complete person without him, and actually enjoy him and his bad attitude not being around. I miss him for the kids sake, but not really mine much anymore. I’m just not sure anymore. He is such an unhappy person and as I look back now, sometimes, I feel as though he has brought me down. I want a marriage where I am just as important to my spouse as he is to me. And looking back now, I don’t think I ever meant as much to him as he did to me. Maybe it’s just my rose colored glasses coming off? I don’t know. I know I was definitely NOT a perfect wife by any means (who is??). I’m just really seeing our marriage as what it really was for the first time I believe. I do not want that back. If he is to ever come back home, I pray that our relationship grows to something greater than I can ever imagine.
But there has been so much hurt and betrayal on both of our parts, I’m not sure anything will be left to work with?? Is this detachment?? Or am I losing hope? I know that our God is the great restorer….and that is what my hope and faith lies on….
Seeing the reality, and truth, of Self, Spouse, and past Marital Dynamics is often a hard one to process. However, what is once known, cannot be “unknown” and so, you’re facing a crossroads of decision at this time. Take the time you need to choose your way, but do it after you process the feelings you’re experiencing at this moment.
The feelings you’re having are quite normal and they will pass in time, as you resolve the crossroad in front of you, and begin to walk forward again for yourself. They are based in the reality of Self that leads into the reality of the man you married, and the marital dynamics that involved both of you, not just one.
You’ve been on this journey awhile, and you’ve seen so much of the reality of yourself, targeted so many of your issues, that has brought forth major change in you. However, as you have changed, the once loving view of your husband, has now changed into a hard reality that has led to your loss of feeling, because you’re seeing who he was then, and who he is now. What’s missing is what he has yet to become…but right now, you don’t focus on that last one, because it has yet to be.
Also, your journey continues forward, as your past marital dynamics are also coming into view, and they combine with you, him, and marital past, and this would also bring up feelings that you would work through, because you’re experiencing a loss of the love you once had, and your hope is dwindling at this point.
What you’re seeing now, isn’t helping how you feel…and that’s also normal, but you can overcome this if you choose to. You see, your Stand now becomes a choice, not a necessity–once the reality of both people, and the relational past comes into view, and it’s clearly seen where you have been, and the place where you have come into, from the context of your marriage that is now broken, and destroyed.
Hope and love both becomes a solid choice you make, because the feelings aren’t going to carry you through this uncertain time you’re facing right now. You’re going to be drawing on your prior commitment “for better OR for worse” and God, to see you through this part of the valley you’re walking in.
It’s part of this journey toward wholeness and healing that is faced, overcome, and a choice made for which way we’re choosing to go, and then, we’ll walk on, and move forward into the consequences that await our choice. It’s very hard to choose which way you want to go, because both ways carry different possibilities.
You may feel a spark of feeling in your heart that carries the love you once had for this man. You also have a history, children, a marriage, and a relationship that could not duplicated with someone else. There becomes more than just you to think about, when you’re considering walking away from your marriage…there are children to consider, a family unit that is broken for now, but still has the chance of being restored at a later time—-given some time, and work that only God can do.
So, you reach inward for that commitment you know it there, pull it out, hold onto it, and keep going. ((HUGS))
Right now, nothing looks right, smells right, nor tastes right, yet, God keeps you Standing for a reason, so what you do have to lose in continuing to do what you’re doing? Nothing at all…so take the time you’ve been given, and use it wisely and well, for your continued journey.
Just know you’re not alone in how you feel–I remember those days well, too. ((HUGS))
