From Tosca via the feedback form
Dear HB, I have been led to your website from another forum where your work has featured….I am wondering whether you can help me. I received BD – via email while I was on holiday on the other side of the world – NYE 2013 96 weeks ago)….my partner was becoming emotionally distant and withdrawn over the past 12-15 months – irritable, argumentative, working away from home more. He emailed me NYE and said that he was depressed and it was because of me that he was – and that he needed to end our relationship for his own peace of mind – he wanted 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that some doors must close. I am now living with D12 in our own apartment – I have moved our things out of our house that we shared. Aside from some spewing, blaming (he accused me of stealing forks, knives and his shampoo and conditioner from the bath when I was moving out???) at the beginning he is now completely silent – no contact – it is almost as if D and I are deleted in favour of his new life with OW…. Any help would be greatly appreciated… Blessings Tosca
Dear Tosca,
Thank you for writing me. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it’s apparent your partner is going through a hard time. His blaming of you for everything that is not good in HIS life is part and parcel within the mid-life crisis. Understand that this is not true, and nothing he says will ever make it to be true. You know the truth, whilst he’s hiding from it. He could not own his own changing feelings, so he projected them onto you. The first thing I will tell you is don’t make his problem your problem.
The next thing, I have to ask-why did YOU move out? You weren’t the one who wanted out, your partner was.
If anybody should have left, he should have left. I can imagine he’s figured out by now, that his unhappiness hasn’t magically gone away since you were pushed out of his life. Why he’s silent and in no contact would be because he’s still waiting for that time when his unhappiness, depression, etc. will be “cured” by your departure. That won’t be the case at all-if anything, he should feel a whole lot worse because his guilt, shame, and apparent unworthiness of someone like you will continue bothering him, and it should. He really ought to be ashamed of himself for doing what he’s doing.
Now, you’re asking if I can help you, and the only real advice I can give you is to let him go, let God have this man to deal with. While you do that, simply learn to live your life forward, wait him out, without waiting on him. You could wait for years, or a lifetime, but you have no control over what he does, you only have control over what you do, your actions, and reactions/responses. You can’t make him do what’s right, you can’t make him love you, and so, for now, you would need to accept that he doesn’t wish to have you in his life for now.
This kind of behavior isn’t unusual for mid-life spouses, and I’ve seen this happen before. It all takes time before the mid-life spouse might come to realize that they’ve made a huge mistake in what they’ve done. Many people struggle with the fact that in the mid-life crisis, and even in life itself, there are never any guarantees, there is only hope, as long as there is love in one’s heart and human nature to consider.
I pray that he eventually realizes what a gem he has in you, Tosca. You have tried to be considerate of him, and he’s walked on you. Yet, instead of becoming bitter and angry, you’re still trying to figure what you can do to help him–and it’s obvious you don’t want to lose him completely. I understand that completely. It’s hard to understand that we’ve lost the mid-life spouse through no fault of our own. We didn’t ask for these things to happen, but they did, and so, we’re left to deal in ways that we don’t want to, but are forced to, because of the decisions of such a selfish person-the mid-life spouse.
For now, his feelings for you are buried deep beneath his wrong justifications for his total rejection of you, Tosca, and there’s not one thing you can do about that. I believe you might be asking me if there is something I can advise you that can help you bring this marriage back together, and until your partner wakes up, and begins making overtures toward you on his own, there really isn’t anything you can tangibly do that would help. However, you can reach out from time to time, as you choose to, and if you can do it without expectation, just to see what his reaction is.
If he reacts with more spewing, anger, blame, confusion…well, you’ll still know that he is still in Crisis. If he doesn’t respond at all, then you’ll know the same thing. However, either way, just prepare to wait him out, see what he does, and understand that the mid-life crisis is a process that takes time, and even when/if he begins reaching out again to you on his own, this won’t mean he’s completely done with his journey, it will only mean that he may be ready to continue his journey with you there, as opposed to him being alone at this point.
In the meantime, I suggest you begin walking your own journey toward wholeness and healing. When he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this about you, just like his mid-life crisis is about him. As you learn more about yourself, you’ll learn more about him, plus your past marital dynamics in that same process. Plus, you’ll also learn that you’ll need to save yourself first, that you can do nothing for him, and everything for yourself.
Learn everything you can about the crisis as a whole, so you’ll come to understand a whole lot more about this confusing time. Knowledge is power, and gaining knowledge can only help you understand so much more about this time of life.
I hope this helps.
Big Hugs!!
HB