This is from Tim who posted a comment on The Hallmarks of a Mid-Life Crisis article.
His comments are in bold–mine are starred, and stay in regular font.
Dearest HB,
Thank you so much for your reply. Let me first apologize for my spelling and puncuation, very hard to see with tears in your eyes, secondly if I need to post questions/comments on another part of the site just let me know. I’m sorry if I’m about to get long winded as I really don’t know of anyone else who has gone through this nightmare that i can talk to.
**You’re fine, Tim. People begin talking me on one part of the site, and when it looks like things are going to get long-winded on my own part, I end up giving them a Q&A page of their own. The questions posted, and the answers given are usually helpful to other people down the road–of course I will put a link leading from where you began talking to me to where we’ll end up. The conversation will continue in the comment block under the Q&A I put you on.
Don’t be surprised if other people also post comments, questions, etc. I usually don’t worry about that, and if I need to go into greater depth, then I will copy it, answer it on a separate page, then link back to where the comment came from. 🙂
I suppose the reason I was somewhat aware of what my wife was dealing with is because when she told me she had been “miserable for 21 years” (I know that is not the truth) I googled that statement. Midlife crisis $ perimenopause/menopause were the two most common responses that seem to “fit” what she and I were experiencing. I was wondering could the two be linked or related? along with “I don’t know whats wrong with me”, “I don’t know who I am anymore” ,”I have to find myself” I also was told “I’m 41 and my life is half over and i’ve done nothing for myself and now it’s all about me” and “I’m tired of being a wife, mother and daughter”.
**She speaks of being miserable for 21 years to help feed her justification for what she is doing against herself, her marriage, her family, and her husband. All these things she’s saying are part of her ongoing emotional crisis, complicated by an identity crisis that kicked into high gear when she faced something she couldn’t handle. It’s usually a major event that begins the mid-life transition, that quickly transforms into a serious emotional crisis. Although menopause (women) and andropause (men) can be contributors, the fact is this crisis is based on past emotional issues contained within the person going through, and coming out of it (or not, as the case may be), is up to the person going through it, and no one else.
Her speaking of not knowing what’s wrong with her, is evident of her confusion, because you do see moments of clarity from time to time in her–these times are interspersed with getting mad over what seems to be the smallest things, and the anger often burns very hot, while what flows out of their mouth is confused rubbish, that doesn’t make sense to you, plus profanity, amongst other things–signs of a rebellious child, who is severely testing the limits of behavior, and often, propriety as you’ll be caught off guard at times.
If she’s nice, that immediately becomes suspect. Mid-life spouses are notorious for being nice because they want something, and once they get it, you’ll start being treated like dirt again. Just saying, because if it’s not happened yet, it most likely will, because they seem to have a copy of the same Mid-life crisis playbook that tells them what to say, do, etc..and it’s eerie to hear them speak just like each other, saying the same things, acting in similar rebellious ways.
She’s the only one who can figure out who she is-and her lost identity must be eventually found within herself. You can’t find it for her, nor can you do this for her, you can only give her the space and time she needs to find it for herself, Tim.
Left-behind spouses generally have a really hard time when they first discover their spouse has gone into emotional crisis, because at first they take it personally-making this all about them, when it really isn’t about them-it’s about the mid-life spouse. Most people are notorious fixers, and if something’s wrong, people do seek to “fix” it, when this crisis cannot be “fixed” by anyone outside of the situation–again, only by the person that is directly going through it. She must go through it, and figure out for herself what she wants.
As a spouse in search of help for the love of my life, I recommended she go to the doctor to get her hormones checked (wrong thing to do)and was told that she didn’t have a problem that I was her problem. At that point I was convinced she is bi-polar or her hormones have made her someone I didn’t know anymore. (I do not know this person anymore and it’s beyond heart breaking.)She used to be so full of life and naturally beautiful, now she looks hollow, lost too much weight, seems to hate life and dyed her beautiful brown hair to a black and almost platinum. If you did not know her, you would not know it was the same person from a Christmas picture in Dec. until now. Again heartbreaking.
**You were only trying to help, and she took as you trying to “fix” “control” and “manipulate” her. Because she is currently unable to face herself, she is projecting herself upon you- as she has told you she didn’t have a problem, and said that you were her problem.
I know this hurts, but it’s not true, and as long as you realize that it doesn’t matter what she says you will always know the truth of the matter, it will help you continue to cope with this situation.
Her attitude seems to have gone the complete opposite of what you once knew, hasn’t it, Tim? That’s part of this, too…and you really can’t do anything except allow her the space and time she needs to figure herself out, while you get more understanding that will lead you into a time of learning that the road she has put you upon, has made this journey about you, just as her crisis is all about her.
Right now, you’re in shock, upset, and understandably devastated by everything that’s going on. However, the more quickly you can pull yourself together, and learn to detach from her behaviors, the more able you will become to cope with what she’s doing.
However, for right now, BREATHE, and know that things are going to be all right, letting yourself grieve this loss of connection. This is a relational kind of death that you’ve experienced within the area of your marriage. When she emotionally bombed you, she set the marriage aside in her mind, and she put the marriage asunder, sent it to its death. I wouldn’t be surprised if she told you at one point she wasn’t married to you anymore. Mid-life spouses think to live the single life, and in order to justify this, they do set the marriage aside, if only in their minds during this time.
However to reinforce something–this is NOT about you-this is all about her. When people mistreat anyone in any way, it’s all about them, and has nothing to do with the person being mistreated. There is always a hurting person behind every bad behavior. It’s not an excuse, but that’s the way it is. It’s hard, sometimes, to look past their awful antics, and see those issues that drive a given bad behavior, but it’s a necessary aspect so you can learn to detach from these actions, and learn to go forward for yourself.
There’s not one thing you can do to help her, except to give her space, and time to deal with herself. Bear in mind that not everything requires an answer from you. You don’t have to defend yourself to her, when she speaks things you know aren’t true, or “rewrites” marital history in an effort to try and blame you for what is truly her problem, her crisis. So, don’t buy into her attempt to shift blame onto you, for what is really on and about her, and not about you.
You didn’t break her, so you can’t even hope to fix her-she has to learn to fix herself on her own timetable. Use this time you’ve been given wisely and well to learn about yourself, while she’s learning about herself.
Since this has happened I immerse myself in books and the web (so thankful I found your site) about MLC, perimenopause, marriage, divorce and most importantly Gods’s Word and how He can and does redeem and restore marriages.
**God is still in the business of marital restoration, Tim–however, even He will tell you this is a time of growth for not just your wife, but for you, too. God often seems to lead us down a crooked path, but if we went straight for the goal, we would not learn a thing out of this experience.
I can attest to the fact that I not only survived throughout his crisis, but I also thrived, as God never forgot me during that time. He blessed me beyond measure, even as He walked me through some of the hardest emotional paths I ever walked in my life.
Once I got a good basic understanding of what was happening down, then He began trying to turn me in such a way that my focus came off my spouse in crisis, and turned it all upon myself.
This wasn’t easy, because I’m thinking, “Why do I have to change, when it’s not me that’s having this problem?” What I didn’t understand then, was that I had no control over my spouse at all, while I had full control of myself–and that was the beginning of a journey that I have long since finished, but am still growing forward within various aspects.
The mid-life crisis is a true wake-up call and a trigger into a time of self-growth that will be beneficial to both people because both people will learn the emotional lessons we are all called upon to learn, but at different times.
I can save you some research by letting you know there is NO medical cure for the crisis, no “magic pill” that will make it end any faster, no “short-cuts” that will lead to the end any faster–there is only time, faith, love and hope that we learn to place in the Lord during this time.
One of the lessons we’ll learn is to develop a solid personal relationship with Him, as we’ll either connect for the first time, or we’ll strengthen an existing connection, and learn more about the various aspects of God during this process of taking our own personal journey.
There are going to be times when things are going to seem to be going so slowly, and that would be because your mid-life spouse isn’t going to be moving that fast. Facing, resolving and healing various issues doesn’t complete overnight–this will take a long time-for some people it takes years, depending upon the severity of their emotional issues.
However, God knows what He’s doing–and if you continue following after Him, He will guide you forward in ways you never thought possible. Intuition, often called your gut feeling, or instinct plays an important part, too, if you take the time to develop that gift. God uses it to help us–and I always tell people that He’s always there, only a prayer away, and He knows what’s best, so it’s important you learn to listen to that still, small voice that doesn’t shout.
He will also teach you many things about your wife you never knew before, too.
Although the crisis isn’t about your marriage, and isn’t even based on your marriage, it’s attacking your marriage, as Satan seeks to tear down everything during this time.
As these winds of change continue to “howl” around you, seek solace and safety within the arms of God, who will take good care of you.
Just a note for fellow left behind spouses who are new to the devastation, like me, and doing your own research, a lot of MLC blogs and chat rooms will say that MLC is a cop-out, that it is just an excuse for spouses to leave and/or have affairs. I’ve been in street level law enforcement for 24 years and have come to know the true nature of people, I know my wife better than I know anyone, MLC is real and not a “cop-out” by any means and I feel sorry for those on both ends. To those who have the spouse that go through the midlife transition as just a small blip in the road, You need to fall on your face right now and Thank God our Creator.
**Truer words were never spoken, Tim. You’re the first one I’ve seen that has spoken so openly on the subject of MLC being dissed by chat rooms, and certain other blogs. I mean, you’ve got counselors who don’t believe in this process, because whatever school of thought they were in, didn’t prepare them for people who would come to them showing these kinds of signs.
It’s an humbling experience, because I will be the first to say I have no formal education beyond being a high school graduate. I’m also a blue collar worker who drove an eighteen wheeler for 10 years. However, God has a tendency to call people who aren’t qualified (like me, LOL), and qualify us to do work we don’t have the formal education to do, but through Him, we become empowered, and enabled to do it, because we serve a Master Teacher who knows all things. 🙂
I have been truly amazed in times past to find that the counselors who are trying to learn about this will often reference the six stages of a mid-life crisis article I wrote back in 2002 to help with their learning.
There have been people that have come to me asking questions to take back to their counselors, and even counselors who have come to talk to me directly, for this same purpose of learning.
Sometimes I’ve had left-behind spouses who will write me and say their mid-life spouses have sent them the link to that six-stage article and ask them where they think are in the process—which in turn, they’ll end up asking me about it.
So, I’ve seen people from both sides of the spectrum come to read, although I hear more from the left-behind spouses than the mid-life spouses, but that’s OK, it all serves a purpose, the exposing of the truth behind this time of life, and educating people from various walks of life.
Couple this with all of the misinformation that floats around the Internet on any given day, and you can imagine that it’s an ongoing fight to get people to understand this time of life is NOT a cop-out, nor is it an excuse for bad behavior–it’s actually an emotional developmental growth process, just like puberty was, and change, growth and becoming what God means for a person to become in Him, are a major part of this process.
We must all grow up, sometime, and that process begins at a “right” time, although left-behind spouses might think to consider it a “wrong” time–however, God’s Time is never the same as ours.
People really do want to be careful whom they choose to associate themselves with during their spouse’s crisis. I don’t list any chat rooms, message boards, or other blogs here, because quite frankly, I don’t endorse any of them–the emotional atmospheres in a lot of the chat rooms, and message boards are emotionally poisonous, as the “group think” on most of them seek to draw in way too much negativity, and a place that should be supportive, quickly becomes a place of spouse bashing, speaking of dating while married ( I do NOT advocate these things), and Satan jumps right on the bandwagon as a major influence, making bad situations much worse than they really should be, because a lot of people’s attitudes become resentful, angry, then bitter, and this only serves to drive people who really need help to go somewhere else.
I don’t blame them at all–I know if I had encountered some of these wrong types of attitudes years ago, when it was me, I wouldn’t have stayed online the first time I was teaching from a platform of a message board that wasn’t even mine in the beginning–however, God had later plans for me, that foundation was laid in place during that first round, and I’m now carrying out this secondary part of this plan by writing on this blog.
I’ve been back out in the public eye for nearly a year, and have faith He will continue sending me people who have need of all He brings through me for the benefit of others.
At any rate, I digress here.
HB, you said, above all there is hope long as I love her. I took our vows before God and meant every word, and true love NEVER dies, so I will always have hope.
To quote Humphrey Bogart, “I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me!”
**You’re definitely going to be tested and tried hard during this time, because things always have a tendency to get worse long before they become better. When you think things can’t get any worse–look out, because that’s what will happen.
However, ask questions–questions are good, and the only question that’s dumb was the one that wasn’t asked in the first place.
Understand this isn’t a short time-it may take years before it’s all said and done, but as I said, God doesn’t forget the faithful left-behind spouse–He’s right there in the trenches with you, and knows what you need, when you need it.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
God in Heaven help me. paragraph 3 in The Hallmarks of the Mid Life Crisis makes so much sense to me and everything after, 1-5 is like reading my life. i could add a 6th, $42000.00 in credit card debt that i was not aware of (didn’t know she had them) and 7th, turned into a self absorbed wanna be teenager who is our 14 yo daughters best friend instead of mother.
a little background, in June of 2013 she lost her job of 19 years, she was devasatated, looking back now I can see the subtle changes (i couldn’t ,,do or say anything right, if i bought her flowers the were the wrong kind,etc. ) she was less tolerant of everything and her once virgin mouth became filled with obsenities. also everything i had done in the last 21 years was wrong, i was the sorriest father and husband ever created, although I have cards where she said otherwise from years past.
from JUne of 13 until feb. 14 she continued to tell me she loved me through text and calls daily and on feb. 1st she advised me she had been miserable for 21 years and was not happy, i asked for a hug and she replied that i was smothering her and she needed her space.Feb 3rd she started sleeping with our daughter avoiding me at all cost, i would try to hug or kiss her and she would turn away, around the first of march i got the ilybinilwy, devastating although expected due to my research.
on march 9th she asked me to move out which i refused, shortly after she and my daughter moved and she told me she wanted a divorce, she filed april 15th. since filing she has cryed and told me she loved me and always will, made reference to seeing older cou[les at work and just start crying because that was supposed to be us. the next second after showing any emotion she puts the wall back up and i am hated again. we have not spoken since signing the divorce papers on apr. 25. lost, lonely and confused, this was the best wife a man could have prayed for and now i no longer recognize her.
once again God help me and please pray for us. thank you for your website.
Hello Tim,
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through-but I’m glad you found this place, and are being validated in what you’re seeing. Your wife is currently deep with Replay at the moment, and the huge debt she’s run up, is part of her “self-medicating” that mid-life spouses have a tendency to do during this time. The Hallmarks article was more about seeing the behavioral signs that send the left-behind spouse in search of help.
You always see the behavioral signs first, before the rest of the other signs begin to come clear. A lot of people don’t understand what they see, until they begin researching this out for themselves, so they can figure out what it is that’s going on with their spouse.
You did the right thing by refusing to move out–she said she wanted out, and when a person wants out, they should be the one who moves out–and that is how I see it. It’s often a person won’t experience the cold, hard world of consequences, until they are the ones who have to make the decisions, move out, and have to support themselves on their own.
Mid-life spouses are all about wanting to control everything–they don’t care what the left-behind goes through as long as they don’t have to go through it.
Now, your wife says she wants a divorce, then exposed you to a “mixed message” where she cried about filing, then put back up the wall. She’s really confused right now, and spinning….let her spin, while you learn to focus on yourself. Read the articles here, ask questions if you like, and above all, know there is hope, there is always hope as long as you still love her.
Thanks again for coming by.
((hugs))
Dearest HB,
Thank you so much for your reply. Let me first apologize for my spelling and puncuation, very hard to see with tears in your eyes, secondly if I need to post questions/comments on another part of the site just let me know. I’m sorry if I’m about to get long winded as I really don’t know of anyone else who has gone through this nightmare that i can talk to.
I suppose the reason I was somewhat aware of what my wife was dealing with is because when she told me she had been “miserable for 21 years” (I know that is not the truth) I googled that statement. Midlife crisis $ perimenopause/menopause were the two most common responses that seem to “fit” what she and I were experiencing. I was wondering could the two be linked or related? along with “I don’t know whats wrong with me”, “I don’t know who I am anymore” ,”I have to find myself” I also was told “I’m 41 and my life is half over and i’ve done nothing for myself and now it’s all about me” and “I’m tired of being a wife, mother and daughter”.
As a spouse in search of help for the love of my life, I recommended she go to the doctor to get her hormones checked (wrong thing to do)and was told that she didn’t have a problem that I was her problem. At that point I was convinced she is bi-polar or her hormones have made her someone I didn’t know anymore. (I do not know this person anymore and it’s beyond heart breaking.)She used to be so full of life and naturally beautiful, now she looks hollow, lost too much weight, seems to hate life and dyed her beautiful brown hair to a black and almost platinum. If you did not know her, you would not know it was the same person from a Christmas picture in Dec. until now. Again heartbreaking.
Since this has happened I immerse myself in books and the web (so thankful I found your site) about MLC, perimenopause, marriage, divorce and most importantly Gods’s Word and how He can and does redeem and restore marriages.
Just a note for fellow left behind spouses who are new to the devastation, like me, and doing your own research, a lot of MLC blogs and chat rooms will say that MLC is a cop-out, that it is just an excuse for spouses to leave and/or have affairs. I’ve been in street level law enforcement for 24 years and have come to know the true nature of people, I know my wife better than I know anyone, MLC is real and not a “cop-out” by any means and I feel sorry for those on both ends. To those who have the spouse that go through the midlife transition as just a small blip in the road, You need to fall on your face right now and Thank God our Creator.
HB, you said, above all there is hope long as I love her. I took our vows before God and meant every word, and true love NEVER dies, so I will always have hope.
To quote Humphrey Bogart, “I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me!”
Dear HB,
Okay I think I have read your entire site and have just a few questions/comments.
I guess most concerning, important to me is, how does the WAS truley love someone (and she did) for 21 years and then over the period of a year or less not only stop loving me but detesting the sight of me and even acting like she hates me (although she says she doesn’t that she will always love me)?
Your sight mentions numerous times about past trauma in the MLC spouse, just a few things other than the job lose that I didn’t mention. When she was about two her biological father left her mother, brother and her, never to be seen again. The only thing he left my wife and her brother with was a genetic kidney disease that eventually kills the kidneys. Her mother remarried and had three more sons. Around 2009 her biological brother who shared her kidney disease was found dead of an overdose of illegal drugs ( I now get blamed for his death because I didn’t want him at our house due to his criminal past). again around 2011 she had a half brother die suddenly of an apparent heart issue. both were 30 years old. I’m telling you this to help you maybe help me.
In the world of divorces does this not seemed fast tracked to you, i mean really no years or even months of seperation just moving out in the middle of march and filing for divorce in April.
I am doing my best to drop the emoitional rope and have blacked myself out, I do not call or text her and when on the rare occasion I go pick up our daughter I don”t get out or even look in the direction of their house. She did text me the other day wanting me to fix a perceived wrong done to our daughter, I did not respond as it was one of her (wifes) tantrums she throws everytime there is any communication. She blew up right before she left because “nobody is worried about her everyone is worried about poor ol’ Tim.
You said that she would appear to be the exact opposite of what I have known her to have been in the past you couldn’t have been more right. I don’t even know this person anymore, even our pastor has commented that she seems to want to be a teenager again rather than an adult. he sees the facebook pictures of she and our daughter and came to that conclusion. I don’t do facebook but niether did my wife until around the middle of march, my partner brought it to my attention on his acct. and I noticed that i did not exsist on her page.
i really don’t think she cares if she loses me completly and that is heartbreaking when I know what she was and what she has become. But i agree with you 100% that Satan is neck deep in this.
One last thing (for now, LOL) you said when the emotional door to replay opens fully and the threshold is crossed that the emoitional pieces scatter, what exactly does that mean?
Okay one more thing, when she moved she took evetry momento of our lives together, was that to deprive me of them or did she want them to remember?
until next time, God Bless,
Tim
Dear HB,
Okay I think I have read your entire site and have just a few questions/comments.
I guess most concerning, important to me is, how does the WAS truley love someone (and she did) for 21 years and then over the period of a year or less not only stop loving me but detesting the sight of me and even acting like she hates me (although she says she doesn’t that she will always love me)?
**In other words, you’ve been getting “mixed messages” where her actions say one thing, but her words say another. OR her words will say one thing, but her actions say another.
It’s quite common to see this, plus it’s quite common for your once loving spouse to begin acting out in opposite ways you never thought you’d see. She’s covered over her feelings at the moment with full rebellion pushing every limit she can push, and in order to keep justifying what really isn’t justifiable with her behavior, she seems to be “driven” by forces even she can’t understand right now.
It’s not about you, it’s all about her. She has many issues within that cry out to be faced, and when someone acts out as she has been doing, this is all about the issues contained within herself. Since you are part of her past, you have become part of her issues, and her feelings for you have changed in ways I know are hard to understand.
I don’t doubt she’s gone as far as tried to run you completely off–other than wanting you to move out–which you rightly refused to do, because she was the one who said she wanted out, therefore, it would stand to reason she would be the one who would move out.
Tim, try not to worry–her feelings are still there, and you’ve seen them during very short times of clarity, when she tells you she will always love you. However, she doesn’t love you right now, and again, that has nothing to do with you, personally, and everything to do with her.
IF this hadn’t happened to/against you, I can assure you it would have been someone else, because no one is so special they can “make” someone love or hate them in the first place. No matter what she says, she was there with you, because (1) she DID love you and (2) she made a clear conscious choice to be there with you for all that time.
Hold firmly to that thought as the situation will get worse before it gets better. She’s scared, driven hard, pulled in every direction but the right one, and fighting a spiritual, emotional, mental and physical battle, assisted by Satan himself, who would love to see another marriage destroyed completely.
You think she’s “done” with you–I don’t think so–I never think like that, until I see something to the contrary that’s clear enough to cause me to change what I see in a person’s situation.
Don’t lose HOPE for your situation. There is HOPE, there is always hope as long as YOU still love her. I realize you’re early in this process, and I realize you’re hurting, but hey, God isn’t far away, He knows how you feel.
Your wife may accuse you of not loving her, because of the stand you took, and you may have to enforce that stand, but don’t you dare let her make you feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing fine at this point.
In spite of the kind of job you’re in, you don’t strike me as a hardcase–there are some men in street-level enforcement who don’t have the ability to leave the job where it is, and not bring it home with them. You seem to have struck a good balance in between home and job, and that’s rare for me to see.
At any rate, setting boundaries are to protect you, and no one else. Something in you knew this was necessary, or you would have gone down the road I’ve seen quite a few other men go down–they’ll move out, because they think that will “fix” their mid-life spouse, when it won’t.
She has to learn through your recent actions that she doesn’t get to call all of the shots, and even this makes her angry, so don’t be surprised if she doesn’t try to twist the love she knows is still there in your heart against you.
Their perception, perspective, alters, which leads to the feelings within them that also alters, and I believe to protect their remaining feelings, they’ll often bury them deep for a time, leading into the very real fact they don’t feel ANYTHING for the spouse they’ve left behind. There is a true emotional void in existence within them, as everything in their past is subject to being “ended” “cut-off” or “set-aside” for the time being.
Until she can resolve some of her past issues, her behaviors toward you will continue. Be patient, because this doesn’t resolve overnight–it all takes time.
Of course, we cannot forget the “children of their issues” that are also alive and well, and the most rebellious of these do NOT like the left-behind spouse at all..why? Part of it is because they don’t “know” them(she’s probably looked at you without any recognition before), and part of it is because you represent the one aspect all children love to hate–AUTHORITY, and children rebel against this, and the left-behind spouse seems to be caught from all four sides.
Jim Conway once spoke of the “Enemy Horde” that comprised of their job, their family, their life, and their spouse-and I might not have it all correct, but you get the basic idea–basically it all this adds up to one thing: Responsibility, and no mid-life spouse wants any part of that…they can barely handle themselves, much less be held responsible for what they are doing.
So you let them go to do what they think they need to do, and hope, and pray they learn from the mistakes you know they will make, but you can’t tell them what to do, they don’t think they have a problem–they think the problem is their SPOUSE. Not true, but that’s how they think as their perception continues to skew, and their state of mind is so confused.
Again, it’s NOT YOU—it’s HER.–her problem, her MLC.
—
Your sight mentions numerous times about past trauma in the MLC spouse, just a few things other than the job lose that I didn’t mention. When she was about two her biological father left her mother, brother and her, never to be seen again. The only thing he left my wife and her brother with was a genetic kidney disease that eventually kills the kidneys. Her mother remarried and had three more sons. Around 2009 her biological brother who shared her kidney disease was found dead of an overdose of illegal drugs ( I now get blamed for his death because I didn’t want him at our house due to his criminal past). again around 2011 she had a half brother die suddenly of an apparent heart issue. both were 30 years old. I’m telling you this to help you maybe help me.
** That’s fine, Tim–I think you’re trying to figure out what started this, and when—-She’s dealt with a lot death within recent years, and I’d almost bet the death of her brother in 2009, probably slowly started her in, because she compartmentalized his death instead of grieving it out in full, and accepting that he’s gone. (this is one remaining issue within her, and the basis for her blaming you for his death, when you could not have prevented it anyway-it’s easier to blame you than to face something she cannot accept for herself, if that makes sense. It must have been a very painful time for her. Also, if she can keep blaming you, this would continue feeding at least one of her justifications for treating you so badly).
The death in 2011 added emotional insult to injury, and how she acted toward you at that particular time was probably very telling–I’d almost wager that 2011, made how she felt that much worse, because 30 years old is awfully young, and she’s been facing mortality in a direct kind of way–sometimes when death is dealt with, there will be a way too short period of acting out, then things return to normal, but it is only a preview to what’s coming later, because if a major event isn’t faced resolved and healed, it will keep returning until it is faced resolved and healed, OR the person continues to fight it throughout their life. Those are the only choices there is–face it, or fight it…sadly enough, mid-life spouses will usually keep fighting, until there’s nothing left to fight, and then there’s regret, because all that time that was wasted fighting what could have been faced.
Not your fault, not your responsibility–your wife has to figure this out on her own, I wish I could tell you something that would help you to help her..but all you can really do is give her the space and time that she needs to figure out that the best thing she ever had was standing in front of her all along–and while there are no guarantees in life, there is always hope and love, and the wise usage of the time the left-behind spouse is given to use to work on themselves when their understanding of what’s happening is more clear.
However, to speak to something you may feel at this point–if you don’t, someone else might need this: I don’t know many people who know about what contributes to the mid-life crisis that are younger than 35 in the first place–UNLESS they came to learn about it during their time in puberty, or learned about it in their early twenties–so my point is, we think we might have done something to trigger this in our spouses, or we feel that if we’d known it was going to happen, we might have been able to stop it, when neither is true, because the mid-life crisis/transitional period is based on how many past issues a person contains within themselves, and how much emotional damage that same person has suffered in their past. So don’t beat yourself up with thinking you “missed” something, when really you didn’t…this is about her, not you. No matter what you might have done, it would have happened anyway, and I know that’s hard to swallow, but it is the truth.
At any rate, I’m fairly sure she most likely has abandonment issues stemming from the abandonment of her father-She might too young to remember, but maybe not, because I’ve seen children as young as four years old, and I’ve dealt with cases where the children observed were as young as three, so it very possible she may have a two-year-old “stashed” away in her long list of issues that need to be faced, resolved and healed within her.
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In the world of divorces does this not seemed fast tracked to you, i mean really no years or even months of seperation just moving out in the middle of march and filing for divorce in April.
**I would agree with you. However, I’ve seen many divorces on this “fast-track” within the realm of the mid-life crisis. However, the pain within her (that was driving her to divorce you quickly), dictates that YOU are at fault…why? Because you are part of her past, and you’ve been there all this time, so to her skewed perception, it HAS to be your fault–it sure can’t be hers, because in her MLC swiss-cheese mind, she’s quite “sure” it’s you, and if she were to even think about blaming herself, she could not handle it.
Until she reaches a point in time where she realizes that you were not at fault at all, and this is all on her, she will continue to project her pain on you. Also, because she feels like she does, she thinks you must feel this same way–she thinks to “think” for you, when she can’t even think for herself. Therefore, she was of the (wrong) opinion that if she could divorce you, her pain will stop, because you have many MLC spouses who must go through a total ending, in order to hopefully reach a new beginning within an aspect such as this.
To explain this another way, she cannot see past HER pain–all she can see is you are “trapping” her into what she (wrongly) perceives as a loveless marriage, and she must get free, or die…this is NOT true, but this is how SHE feels—there again, until she figures it all out, (and it hasn’t even been a month yet since divorce papers were signed), she will continue doing one destructive thing after another, and the line of destruction will become quite long.
She now has her divorce, of course, her pain has NOT stopped. When she finally figures out it isn’t you, she will try something to get rid of, or dull her pain.
However, she will not think that anything has changed in the situation, once she gets what she thinks she wants–she would think that you would still be there, when in actuality, she will have “freed” you, and that would be made plain to her, once she realizes that you have gone completely “dark” on her, didn’t answer anymore of her calls, made certain this complete separation she asked for was complete–except for what involves your children.
It all takes time.
She was the one who wanted this, but we hope that in time, would find it wouldn’t be what she wanted, but then that’s why it’s called “consequences for one’s actions.”
It’s often quite strange to watch a MLC spouse who wanted a divorce so badly, got it, getting “rid” of the left-behind spouse they THOUGHT was their problem/pain, then in time, figured out this hadn’t ended their pain, plus they come to the realization that EVERYTHING changes when you get a divorce—and they don’t want anything to change– in their entitlement thinking, they think that nothing is supposed to change at all…but that becomes what they have to deal with, not so much the left-behind spouse.
This is all about control and manipulation to begin with, and mid-life spouses seek to control everything, including the spouse they abandon–doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is–they don’t want you, or so they say, but Tim, if you went out tomorrow and started dating while married, or even at this time of post-divorce ( I don’t advocate either one, by the way-not if you’re thinking of reconciling the marriage down the road)–she would not forgive you for that. Why? Because in her mind, she holds you to a much higher standard than she’s living, and in her mind, she figures (rightly) that you would know better than to sacrifice your self-respect in this way.
Does this mean divorce spells out the total end? No, it doesn’t mean that at all. There is still hope after the divorce, because it’s possible she may return. I have seen cases like that in my time of counseling.
People have called me a liar, said I was crazy, said I didn’t know what I was talking about–but I’m telling you, eventually-they ALL have to come home, if only to apologize for what they’ve done. There are a lot of possibilities within the mid-life crisis, and I have always known this. However, I always look for them to try to return at later time, even if the left-behind spouse (or even the mid-life spouse) chooses a later path of remarriage.
I wouldn’t do one thing right now, except gain more understanding, and when that is gained, then begin the emotional work on yourself, and let God take care of your future. Only He knows what is ahead for you and your wife.
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I am doing my best to drop the emoitional rope and have blacked myself out, I do not call or text her and when on the rare occasion I go pick up our daughter I don”t get out or even look in the direction of their house.
**Right now, that’s all you can do, Tim. There is NO getting through to your wife, no “fixing” what’s happened, because you didn’t break her, therefore you cannot hope to fix her–so letting her go is the best thing you can do at the moment. Let God have this lady to work on–He is the only one that can help her right now.
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She did text me the other day wanting me to fix a perceived wrong done to our daughter, I did not respond as it was one of her (wifes) tantrums she throws everytime there is any communication. She blew up right before she left because “nobody is worried about her everyone is worried about poor ol’ Tim.
**In other words, she baits an emotional “trap”, and if you fall in it, you’re in for seriously heavy bouts of confused and angry spewing from her (the tantrum you speak of when there is communication.) Best to leave her alone as you have been doing, and continue keeping her from “feeding” her justification for bad behavior. See, she NEEDS you to keep this going, and when you don’t, you’re taking away her emotional ammunition, and even that makes her mad–but let her be mad, and you stay out of the line of fire…you don’t need this, you didn’t do anything–but then, you don’t have to do anything to bring it on.
Self-victimization (and high drama) at its worst in her words, Tim. “Oh, woe is me! Poor me! Why is everybody worried about my spouse, when it’s ME who is in so much pain.” That’s narcissistic tendencies at work in her–a child is obviously crying out for attention, but she must learn to deal with it, because it’s not your responsibility.
Her hateful comment was also designed to make you feel guilty about the boundary you set. It’s quite obvious, and correct me if I’m wrong, but she’s not getting that much support from family and friends, right? Sorry, this is going to sound mean, but she doesn’t need “enablers” to further encourage her rebellion…it would only feed her justification further in what she’s doing.
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You said that she would appear to be the exact opposite of what I have known her to have been in the past you couldn’t have been more right. I don’t even know this person anymore, even our pastor has commented that she seems to want to be a teenager again rather than an adult. he sees the facebook pictures of she and our daughter and came to that conclusion. I don’t do facebook but niether did my wife until around the middle of march, my partner brought it to my attention on his acct. and I noticed that i did not exsist on her page.
**She has set aside the marriage in her mind, therefore you don’t exist for her right now, Tim. When she turned on you, she did end her marriage, and it has died a sudden death. She has become, for now, the opposite of the person you once knew, and until she works her way forward, she will still remain that opposite in personality.
Your pastor has it right, because your wife is going through Puberty for a second time–and this second time is designed for her to grow up in full, this time, rather than in part like what happened during her first navigation through puberty.
It’s all about emotional growth, Tim–what doesn’t complete at Puberty will return at Mid-Life to be finished. The difference this time, is if she doesn’t complete it, it will continue returning until she does complete this emotional process.
I fully realize you’re still trying to get your head around this, and this is normal–in order to try to begin to understand, one must give their minds permission to think like a mid-life spouse in various ways. It was the only way I could begin to understand when it was me years ago….and because it’s such a crazy kind of thinking, we “normal” people have a hard time getting it. LOL, but when we get it–WE GET IT. 🙂
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i really don’t think she cares if she loses me completly and that is heartbreaking when I know what she was and what she has become. But i agree with you 100% that Satan is neck deep in this.
**Not right now, in the state of mind she’s in, she doesn’t care if she loses you, Tim–but there will come a time down the road, when she awakens that she will care. However, right now, if you dropped off the face of the earth, it would not faze her, nor affect her, because she is that steeped in self-absorption–you don’t figure into the narrow picture of her life right now, and quite honestly, you represent the past, you represent an “old” life she’s trying to escape and run from, and most of all, you represent responsibility she truly can’t handle and doesn’t want right now.
Please don’t give up on her–it’s too early for you to give up–you’ve got time, make the most of that time, trust God for the future. Just don’t give up, before you find out what may happen down the road.
Satan is absolutely neck-deep in this. Good and Evil wage a heavy war during the time of transition, because Satan would love nothing better than to bring down another marriage. Satan is a heavy influence within the MLC, and I don’t doubt that he’s working overtime to split your marriage up for good.
However, understand that God is also working within the situation, and though He seems to run “late” at times, His time is not ours. He will listen to your prayers when you pray for Him to work within her heart. You can’t ask Him to change her mind, because that’s where free will resides, but you can ask Him to work within her heart. Whatever is within the heart, the mind will usually follow.
Of course this won’t resolve overnight, but learning to connect fully with God will help you to cope with what’s happening. You’re going to be just fine, you have to believe that.
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One last thing (for now, LOL) you said when the emotional door to replay opens fully and the threshold is crossed that the emotional pieces scatter, what exactly does that mean?
**LOL, I knew the exact article you were referencing, and went back to read it.
The further explanation was contained with the later reading of the article, but I’ll explain it again, hopefully in another way. It’s a spiritual/emotional aspect of the crisis, as ‘pieces’ represent the issues as yet, unresolved. When emotional damage is done in childhood, or even in young adulthood, because the person doesn’t have the emotional tools to deal with and resolve this damage, a “piece” is broken off, and stored with the shadow of the psyche within this person, as an unresolved issue representing a certain-aged child.
When the emotional door opens and the threshold is crossed over into Replay, those emotional “pieces” contained within the psyche, actually “come out” or “burst out”, and they become scattered all over that person’s emotional health, and psyche, causing great emotional pain, contributing to emotional disintegration–you’ve heard the saying where someone has “Gone to ‘pieces.'”? It means a total emotional nervous breakdown in one aspect, and is not much different when these same pieces are “scattered”, and in time, must be found, in order for that person to piece themselves back together.
They must locate them first, or they’ll show up on their own at a right time, and when they do, each one is fully “resolved” then they are “pieced” one at a time into the psyche to create a new emotional picture within the person who is “all to pieces.” When someone is in pieces, they are not whole, and they cannot heal until they piece themselves together in a whole new way.
Let’s see, another way to also explain is, is each child(piece) comes forth to demand its time in the emotional “sun”–and when its issue is fully resolved, that “child” goes into the psyche to be reintegrated (pieced into the construction of that person’s emotional “puzzle”) never to be seen or experienced again. This would be because full resolution leads to healing, at least for that part. Full healing doesn’t come until ALL pieces are found, faced, resolved, and healed, with no lasting or left-over damage.
I realize it’s hard to understand, but another way to put it: When emotional damage has been done, and this damage hasn’t been resolved, it is suppressed, pushed back, and buried if you will–when the time is right, and a “trigger” presents itself (such as constantly high anger that acts as a trigger and causes them to lose total emotional control of themselves, to let down that person’s emotional guard in full, and allow this door to open), this damage cannot be “held back” anymore, and it comes out, but not always in a whole aspect–most of the time, you’re looking at pieces, bits and parts that must be faced, resolved and healed, but not all at one time, hence the cycling that happens…and again, these become ‘scattered’ into the emotional wind—and they can land anywhere within the human psyche–however ALL pieces that relate to the same aspect that needs facing, resolving and healing in full, must be found, and emotional cycling is often what happens as a result.
There is always a loss suffered when emotional pieces are broken off, then scattered later on, and all that was lost, must be found, –reintegration,(piecing together) must come after disintegration(breaking apart).
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Okay one more thing, when she moved she took every momento of our lives together, was that to deprive me of them or did she want them to remember?
until next time, God Bless,
Tim
**Now that should tell you a lot about her, and those feelings that still buried deep within her. There are times of clarity that come about during the mid-life crisis, and I don’t doubt that when she has those, she takes out the mementos and thinks of you.
Someone might also say she took them so you would “forget” her in time, but if that was the case she would have disposed of them in the trash, or burned them…she didn’t do either one, she took them with her.
Though other people might say don’t look at signs like this, tell me this–if she really ‘hated’ you like she has acted like she does, why would she take reminders of your lives together with her?
It’s a good question, and to know the answer would be to ask her, but I wouldn’t suggest asking her, because for one, she would tell you she didn’t know (and she really DOESN’T know), and for two, you don’t want to ask questions she either can’t answer, or would give you an answer you don’t want to hear right now, considering her state of mind is in the place it’s in at the moment.
Hang tough, brother–keep learning, increase your understanding in this area. You’re doing just fine at the moment. Just keep your feet on the ground, keep doing what you’re doing, trust God for the future, and keep letting her go, as you have been doing.
Keep reminding yourself that unless it’s truly life or death, you’ll keep your fingers away from your phone in text or call. This is NOT to “punish” your wife–this is to continue giving her space to figure herself out–and it all takes time.
Oh, and keep asking questions–questions are good, and there’s no question too dumb to ask. I’ve gotten many of them over the years on various aspects.
Hopefully this will help. God go with you, my friend.
((hugs))
Dearest HB,
I pray that everyone that is cursed with a MLC spouse finds this website. I know that only GOD knows what the future holds but your life experience and words of encouragemnt bring tears to my eyes as I read and re-read your responses. No one should go through this alone and although I have friends to talk to not one knows or has experienced a MLC spouse/divorce.
Thank you for your kind words about my career and the seperation of the job and home, I always kept them seperate. My release would be to come home, cook dinner and then have her fall asleep on the couch next to me while I rubbed her feet (at her new job she stood on concrete all day) I in no way say that in boast as to my ability as a husband , it is what I truly loved doing and I miss it more than words can describe.
As far as moving out when asked, (1) I thought that would be giving up on our marriage ( although now the divorce is my fault as I didn’t move out and seperate for a time) and (2) everything I had read since the Feb. 1st revelation said not to move out. One other bit of advice to other LBS would be to protect your finances and your credit, Money has apparently no meaning to people in crisis , thankfully the credit cards with $42,000.00 on them were not shared and according to at least georgia law are not a shared resposibility (I didn’t even know she had them) until divorce conversations had started.
HB, I hope I didn’t mislead or mis-read you, both my wife’s brothers were in thier 30’s when they died, my wife is 41 and will be 42 this year.
As far as family support in her decision to divorce, I know that at least her grandmother has told her she would regret it and a lot of our friends are not sure who she is anymore. She has at least two enablers that I am aware of, her new BFF is a lady who has three children by three different men who believes “if” there is a god he is a “good energy” and the other is a 45yo co-worker who is going through a divorce herself.
HB you told me not to give up on her… I can’t give up on her, it is in my Christ saved soul not to give up as I know God is bigger than what she is going through right now. I pray w/o ceasing that He will soften her satan hardened heart and that she will be receptive to God’s Holy Spirit and that God will bind satan and her enablers and any others who would put asunder what He has joined together.
Yesterday she texted me saying she needed to come get some things out of the attic and I told her to give me a few minutes notice and I woud be gone , she did and I was. she had also asked for certain outside items, large planters, a trampoline and some deck furniture in the divorce. I had disassembled the trampoline and stacked it along with the other items on the side of the house in a very neat fashion in order to make removing them easy and less time consuming. She texted me a less than pleasent text that although she doesn’t live here anymore I should have let her know before moving things and “tearing” things apart (the disassembled trampoline I guess). I did not respond to the text. When I got home I noticed that she had gone through a drawer where I keep my checkbook (all the checks were still there) but that an old Iphone that I used to play games on was smashed beyond repair, it was fine the night before. I’m not sure what caused the anger unless it is just her seeing that I, at least outwardly, have the appearance of “moving on” or that I still have some money in my checking acct., or matbe that is just the confused, angry person she is right now. Anyway I did not acknowledge that she broke the phone or contact her in any form. Lesson learned though, she will not be back in this house alone.
It’s funny how God works, in the last three weeks I was contacted by an ex co-worker who had called to check on me, He had left his wife about a year ago for “greener pastures”, I asked him how he was doing and he said, “it was the worst mistake he had ever made and he regets it a million times over ” I told him that he owed it to hiimself and more importantly to his ex-wife (she has not “moved on”) to go home and admit his sins and just see what she says, all she could tell him was no thanks but she may welcome him with open arms. And again last Friday I was at the pharmacy getting a prescription filled (“my new friend, the sleep aid”) and the lady asked me how I was doing, well hear come my tears and I told her that my wife of 21 years had decided to divorce that she needed to “go find herself”, the clerks eyes teared up and she said, “that’s exactly what I told my ex-husband”. I asked if we could go in the back and talk and we did. It was almost like reliving the conversations with my wife as everything this 38 yo pharmacy clerk said to her ex was almost verbatim what was said to me. The clerk said it was the worst thing she had ever done and that she wished that she could turn back time (she and I are both crying at this point) and that she was miserable. I asked her about reconciliation and she said it would not be fair to her ex as he has a girlfriend, I asked her how she knew that her ex didn’t feel the same way she felt, and she did not. I encouraged her to sit down with him to talk about “the kids”, they have 2, and see where God took things. That said I just know what I would do if my MCL spouse were to want to “come home”.
I said in an earlier post that she took every momento, I failed to mention one thing she left, a framed passage from 1st corinthians 13:4-8 with our names and date of marriage at the bottom giving God’s definition of love. really confusing.
I’ve never had a ”burning bush” experience or an angel come to me physically or even God talk to me audibly although any of the three would be welcome right now, but let me say this and take it for what it’s worth.
About 21 years ago I was dispatched to an alarm at a business in a local strip mall, the business checked secure and typically I would have gotten back in my car and returned to service, on this day however I walked next door to see if someone had just left setting off the alarm, that was the first time I ever laid eyes on my beautiful wife. The day and time we were at the lawyers office and she had just signed the papers they gave me an alarm at that EXACT same address, those are the ONLY two times in 21 years I have ever had an alarm at that address.
HB, i know I have rambled in this particular post but you are, it seems, the only one I can talk to that has an understanding of what this hell on earth is like, I know there are countless others but I have no way of communicating with them.
You are a true HEARTS BLESSING.
One last thing, I have gone, I think, from terrible grief to either not knowing how I feel or possibly not “feeling” at all, and that is territory I wish on no one.
Thank you for being here.
Yours in Christ,
Tim
Hello Tim,
One other bit of advice to other LBS would be to protect your finances and your credit, Money has apparently no meaning to people in crisis , thankfully the credit cards with $42,000.00 on them were not shared and according to at least georgia law are not a shared resposibility (I didn’t even know she had them) until divorce conversations had started.
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**I do write this in one of my articles or one of my pieces of advice–it might be in one of the boundary articles. It’s called setting a financial boundary for the sole reason mid-life spouses are terrible with money. The Lord was definitely with you on that kind of debt or as her husband you may have had to assume half if not all of it.
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HB, I hope I didn’t mislead or mis-read you, both my wife’s brothers were in thier 30′s when they died, my wife is 41 and will be 42 this year.
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**To explain what I said, I knew the brothers were younger than your wife–thirty is young…but 42, while not young, isn’t “old” either..I should know about that…I’ve been there (42) before. I had a young friend that died in a car wreck when he was 22, (I’d known him since he was a child growing up), and I think I was in my early thirties, then. It affects you when people that are younger than you die for any reason–it’s another way of causing-more like forcing- you to face the fact that NO ONE lives forever.
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As far as family support in her decision to divorce, I know that at least her grandmother has told her she would regret it and a lot of our friends are not sure who she is anymore. She has at least two enablers that I am aware of, her new BFF is a lady who has three children by three different men who believes “if” there is a god he is a “good energy” and the other is a 45yo co-worker who is going through a divorce herself.
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**Doesn’t surprise me she has enablers going on, who are going to feed into her self-victimization, her pity parties, etc..oh boy, so those friends are more like a indirect kind of mirror, rather than a direct mirror of accountability toward her. Since they become different, they choose different friends, a different way of life, develop different tastes, and even different ways of doing things…it is a true world of opposites during this time.
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HB you told me not to give up on her… I can’t give up on her, it is in my Christ saved soul not to give up as I know God is bigger than what she is going through right now. I pray w/o ceasing that He will soften her satan hardened heart and that she will be receptive to God’s Holy Spirit and that God will bind satan and her enablers and any others who would put asunder what He has joined together.
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**Don’t be surprised to come to know and understand there are clear spiritual dimensions to this crisis–I have seen and experienced these, and people said I was nuts, but I promise you I am not–one cannot believe in God and Angels without also believing in Satan and Demons …this is truly an emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical type battle that is fought. I have written on these things before, because Satan is very active during this time. Google a prayer called “The Hedge of Thorns”–it’s based on Hosea–and read the book of Hosea–also read Proverbs–you would be very surprised to see various references to the MLC within Proverbs, and somewhat in Hosea…normally the hedge of thorns is for someone in an affair, BUT it can also be prayed for bad influences.
Continue praying for the Lord to work within your wife’s heart, because what is within the heart, the mind will often follow.
Let Him deal with you on a daily basis–He does know how you feel, because where we walk, He once walked, too…and people have a hard time understanding how God can understand our human feelings–that was because He was once like us, but not like us–however, everything we have faced, He, too, has faced, and when we grieve, He grieves with us. When we rejoice, He rejoices with us.
I developed an extremely close connection with Him–that I still hold even now. He took me through everything, including the growth I gained because of this trial–and He comes first in my life, before anything and everything.
If I lose everything tomorrow, and still have Him, I will have lost nothing—and I came to know that when I was walking through this. As I learned to set boundaries on bad behavior, I was often accused(and I still get that sometimes, because I guard and protect myself closely, as I exercise self-care), of being controlling–but when you set boundaries, you are freeing that other person to still be who they are–all you’re doing is limiting their influence, limiting their manipulation, limiting their bid for “other control” (control over you), and though you might have trouble at first, because you might feel guilty, understand that if you don’t properly take care of yourself–no one else can or will.
So, you let her go, let God have her, pray for her, and get to work on yourself.
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Yesterday she texted me saying she needed to come get some things out of the attic and I told her to give me a few minutes notice and I woud be gone , she did and I was. she had also asked for certain outside items, large planters, a trampoline and some deck furniture in the divorce. I had disassembled the trampoline and stacked it along with the other items on the side of the house in a very neat fashion in order to make removing them easy and less time consuming. She texted me a less than pleasent text that although she doesn’t live here anymore I should have let her know before moving things and “tearing” things apart (the disassembled trampoline I guess). I did not respond to the text.
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**Really, now? She makes this decision to move out, and get a divorce, but yet wants to continue having a say in what is no longer her house? It doesn’t work like that, and you did right by NOT answering her text. It made her mad, because she couldn’t control you–nothing more, nothing less…and you didn’t give her any ammunition so that was a major fail on her part.
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When I got home I noticed that she had gone through a drawer where I keep my checkbook (all the checks were still there) but that an old Iphone that I used to play games on was smashed beyond repair, it was fine the night before. I’m not sure what caused the anger unless it is just her seeing that I, at least outwardly, have the appearance of “moving on” or that I still have some money in my checking acct., or matbe that is just the confused, angry person she is right now. Anyway I did not acknowledge that she broke the phone or contact her in any form. Lesson learned though, she will not be back in this house alone.
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**Mid-life spouses are vindictive people–not to mention destructive when they get angry at being slighted-whether real or perceived…I’d almost wager it was a combination of things–you’re not appearing to “suffer” and she WANTS you to suffer–you dissed her in text, when you didn’t answer, and though that WAS a right thing for you to do, she internalized it, made it about herself, got madder…and took it out on your iPhone—and she waited to see if you would confront and you didn’t, so in essence, you’ve dissed her again..but she’ll get over it…she has to learn that you’re not always going to react to what she does.
For some reason, I believe she thought it was an important phone to you, so she destroyed it in rage, because she could. Of course she also left it where you could find, because it was a silent challenge for you to confront her….and you didn’t–another major fail on her part.
Keep an eye on her, because if one thing doesn’t work, she will try something else…so keep your eyes open, and I agree-she doesn’t need to be in the house alone anymore–especially with the way she was prowling–just like a KID would..think about…kids have curiosity, but they can also be destructive when they’re slighted in any way….MLC’ers are the same way.
Understand she DOES know what she is doing WHEN she is doing it, because in spite of the crisis that is overlaid across her personality, she is still in there, and she does see some clarity once in a while–but they are aware of what they are doing when they are doing it–they may forget what they did later on, but they know at the time the wrong act is being carried out.
Guard your stuff from here on out, because if given a chance they become thieves, and they do lie–as long as their lips are moving, they are most likely lying….and they wouldn’t know the truth if it hit them square in the face.
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It’s funny how God works, in the last three weeks I was contacted by an ex co-worker who had called to check on me, He had left his wife about a year ago for “greener pastures”, I asked him how he was doing and he said, “it was the worst mistake he had ever made and he regets it a million times over ” I told him that he owed it to hiimself and more importantly to his ex-wife (she has not “moved on”) to go home and admit his sins and just see what she says, all she could tell him was no thanks but she may welcome him with open arms. And again last Friday I was at the pharmacy getting a prescription filled (“my new friend, the sleep aid”) and the lady asked me how I was doing, well hear come my tears and I told her that my wife of 21 years had decided to divorce that she needed to “go find herself”, the clerks eyes teared up and she said, “that’s exactly what I told my ex-husband”. I asked if we could go in the back and talk and we did. It was almost like reliving the conversations with my wife as everything this 38 yo pharmacy clerk said to her ex was almost verbatim what was said to me. The clerk said it was the worst thing she had ever done and that she wished that she could turn back time (she and I are both crying at this point) and that she was miserable. I asked her about reconciliation and she said it would not be fair to her ex as he has a girlfriend, I asked her how she knew that her ex didn’t feel the same way she felt, and she did not. I encouraged her to sit down with him to talk about “the kids”, they have 2, and see where God took things. That said I just know what I would do if my MCL spouse were to want to “come home
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**God certainly does work in mysterious ways, Tim–sometimes He allows us to find people who are going through what we are going through–and sometimes He allows us to find people were once like our mid-life spouse–it further clarifies what your wife is going through, because of the similarity within the situation as it compares to yours.
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I said in an earlier post that she took every momento, I failed to mention one thing she left, a framed passage from 1st corinthians 13:4-8 with our names and date of marriage at the bottom giving God’s definition of love. really confusing.
**Can’t say for sure why she didn’t take it. Mid-life spouses are very strange people…and not everything they do means something. They do a lot of confused and crazy things.
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I’ve never had a ”burning bush” experience or an angel come to me physically or even God talk to me audibly although any of the three would be welcome right now, but let me say this and take it for what it’s worth.
About 21 years ago I was dispatched to an alarm at a business in a local strip mall, the business checked secure and typically I would have gotten back in my car and returned to service, on this day however I walked next door to see if someone had just left setting off the alarm, that was the first time I ever laid eyes on my beautiful wife. The day and time we were at the lawyers office and she had just signed the papers they gave me an alarm at that EXACT same address, those are the ONLY two times in 21 years I have ever had an alarm at that address.
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** What you received was a sign of some kind that was meant to be paid attention to–now what it exactly means–I’m not sure-the only thing I got was the first alarm was a beginning, and that second alarm was an ending…now, where it’s all supposed to go, I couldn’t tell you, I don’t know–only you would know-or would come to know in the future.
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HB, i know I have rambled in this particular post but you are, it seems, the only one I can talk to that has an understanding of what this hell on earth is like, I know there are countless others but I have no way of communicating with them.
You are a true HEARTS BLESSING.
**I’m only thus, because of God who works within me. If not Him, I would not be who I am in Him.
Apparently you’re spiritually sensitive in some way, and pay close attention to your gut feelings, Tim, because you’re here talking to me, and you wouldn’t be here had God not orchestrated your internet search in some way to lead you here.
He said that when I built this place almost a year ago, He would send me those in need, like He has done countless times over the years–
For reasons of His own–He is keeping you returning back to read and post questions–I’ve seen it happen before many times in my life with other people.
People have come to understand that I serve God fully, and that I faithfully deliver a message from Him each time I speak to people. He uses me for His purpose. I care about people as I’m supposed to according to His Word—and I speak of Him consistently, because without Him, I would be unable to do what I do, write what I write, and give the kind of help that I give.
If you paid attention, and I think you did, I said several things to you that I could not know about you, because I DON’T know you personally..that is a perception/Intuitive side of me that also assists me in helping others.
To some people that’s a scary thing, because you don’t know me either, however you’re very comfortable talking to me…and that’s part of the Godly gift I carry within myself.
My job is often a complicated one, because I serve as a shoulder to people in pain, but also as an advisor, a teacher, one who is full of wisdom, information, but most of all, one who is called of God into this work.
I’m still a human being, but I do my job to the best of my own ability, as a “help.”
For as many people as I have helped over time, there have been either equal or more people who said I was crazy, but I don’t get into those things with people–because I know what I know, and it’s what I know. God says it, I believe it, and I carry right on with the confidence that He has given me.
You come in here with a need, you leave with a healthy measure of peace, and this is how this site was designed to be with the help of God in the first place. Of course *I* don’t do these things by myself, but again with the help of God, who helps me.
One last thing, I have gone, I think, from terrible grief to either not knowing how I feel or possibly not “feeling” at all, and that is territory I wish on no one.
**You have gone into total detachment at the moment, but it’s not a bad thing–you need to be in this emotional place so you think, function and begin to heal for right now. When stress gets really high, the mind will often “throw it off”, and put a person over into this state so they can cope until they become stronger.
Let it enfold you for this time–you’ve been under so much stress that your mind and body needs a break.
I hope all of this helps.
God go with you my brother.
In His Service,
HB