From PS:
Thanks so much for your site. This information is priceless in helping me understand what is going on with my spouse. Hopefully this knowledge will help me weather the storm. I’m guessing my spouse is somewhere in the replay stage as an affair started about 12 months ago and my spouse has been emotionally moving away from me and the family and is constantly angry and abusing alcohol. When my spouse is not given a reason to be angry by myself or our children drama is created enable the anger. Regardless of what positive and/or loving words or actions we give my spouse only finds fault with it. My question is. When the spouse is unable to direct anger at the family are they forced to start directing the anger towards the affair partner.
Another item I had failed to bring up that goes with this change in behavior and the alcohol use. When drinking my spouse has been getting emotional (crying), expressing love for me and apologizing for hurting me with the affair. I assume this indicating that my spouse still have feelings for me and the guilt is taking it’s toll. There are other times during alcohol use that the anger monster rears it’s head too but not so much lately.
Hearts Blessings’ Reply:
One of the major Hallmarks of Replay/Total Emotional Regression is the mid-life affair…it’s one of the most common occurrences within the mid-life crisis…not ALL mid-life spouses have affairs, but the majority of them, will/do.
When the spouse is unable to direct anger at the family are they forced to start directing the anger towards the affair partner.
First off, that would be up to them, and whatever dynamic was playing out within their affair. I’m curious, how would you think to influence them into being “unable” to direct their anger at you in the first place? You have NO control over what they do, nor when they do it. You can set boundaries, but if they choose not to honor these, they cannot be forced to. If they are dead-set on showing anger to you, there’s nothing you can do to actually stop them from doing so…as I suspect you’ve already found.
Finding fault with everything you say is only one more way for them to continue justifying bad behavior/out of control anger. Often as not, when nothing else works to defuse their anger, silence is also a good weapon when dealing with constant anger whether it’s “other triggered”(inadvertently triggered by actions/words of spouse/family) or “self-triggered”.(triggered within themselves).
Any anger they eventually begin directing at the affair partner is going to be triggered by their changing perception of the affair partner, and by something the affair partner does or doesn’t do that brings it on, as the dynamics within the affair begin moving their way toward an eventual breakdown.
The redirection of their anger away from the spouse/family toward the affair partner would be something THEY decide on, not so much something you would try to influence in the mid-life spouse.
Hopefully this will help. Good question. 🙂
((hugs))
From PS:
The affair is still going on but their time spent together seems to be less than before. As far as arguing and fighting between my spouse and myself this is much less to very little. I don’t ask questions, accuse, or put spouse on the spot so there is no anger generated from my actions. Any anger is generated in my spouse’s head. I will test the waters on my own to see what this change in attitude is really about but I will do so leaning towards detachment rather than affection from my side. Thank you
From PS:
Thank you for your reply.
I was assuming that if the spouse is unable to direct anger towards the family the spouse would be forced to find another outlet for the release of anger. My spouse has had no problem creating a reason for anger towards the family even if it’s going back and addressing previous issues which they have been angry about in the past. In other words if the spouse could not find something new to be angry about they would dig up something from the past and rehash it. My question was really to see weather or not the anger would spill over into the affair when there is a lack of direction at home. Thank you.
Hearts Blessings’ Reply:
Thank you for your reply.
I was assuming that if the spouse is unable to direct anger towards the family the spouse would be forced to find another outlet for the release of anger. My spouse has had no problem creating a reason for anger towards the family even if it’s going back and addressing previous issues which they have been angry about in the past. In other words if the spouse could not find something new to be angry about they would dig up something from the past and rehash it. My question was really to see weather or not the anger would spill over into the affair when there is a lack of direction at home. Thank you.
I only wish their anger would spill over into the affair, but the affair is built on fantasy, and that illusion must be maintained at ALL costs, at least until the affair begins to eventually break down.
Thank you for your clarification of your question. I’ve been doing this for quite some time, and you would be surprised (or maybe you wouldn’t be, considering how well you know, or know of me), the different kinds of questions I’m presented with, that ask me about the possible “redirection” of the anger of the mid-life spouse. The reason is almost always a controlling one, because each time a question of this nature was asked, it was for the Left-Behind Spouse’s purpose–they wanted to avoid having to deal with that anger–and that’s not always possible.
Yes, one would hope the mid-life spouse would redirect it toward the affair partner if they couldn’t get “satisfaction” at home, but unfortunately, UNTIL the affair loses it’s sparkle and the OW/OM loses the glamour—the affair partner will remain, the “greatest thing since peanut butter” to the mid-life spouse–I only wish that could happen.
As far digging up stuff from the past and rehashing it–they already do that, even if some of that same past you might not recognize, because a small child or a teenager would be spewing outward like there’s no tomorrow–and there isn’t only the straightforward issues that are considered/dug up to create anger and drama–there are also the various aspects of a given issue…especially within the rewriting of marital history in order to keep their anger going at the left-behind spouse.
Left-Behind spouses will often poke at the mid-life spouse in an effort to try and “fix” them–however, since they didn’t break them, they can’t fix them, and constant anger is often the result. Also, the mid-life spouse MUST keep their justifications going, even if only in their minds. Constant made up or self-triggered anger is often used as an emotional shield designed to keep them from feeling anything for the left-behind spouse, so they can keep that illusion going–the illusion that the left-behind spouse must always be at fault, because the mid-life spouse cannot ever be at fault.
That’s the state of mind they are in..and if they can’t influence the left-behind spouse into triggering them, they’ll trigger themselves every time–and it’s also part and parcel of the left-behind spouse’s learning how to deal with anger within the realm of setting behavioral boundaries.
The question you asked was a really good one, and I’m glad you asked it. 🙂 I hope this helps, too. 🙂
((hugs))
For what it’s worth, I’ve gotten a lot of questions of this nature over time. However, I have a habit of simply making people think about what they’re asking–as this always becomes a learning process, as I’m questioned, I answer, and look at the dialog it creates as a result.
I knew what your question meant, and it was a really good one. However, the left-behind spouse-more than family as a whole-is part of the mid-life spouse’s past, plus, the mid-life spouse doesn’t have to bother wearing a “good person” mask with them, whereas the affair is for Fun and Good Times with the affair partner…it’s compartmentalized in this way.
There are some stormy affairs, but the anger exhibited there isn’t the same as what is shown at home…another type of compartmentalization, as when the mid-life spouse gets angry at the affair partner, that is triggered by jealousy, and fear of loss, and also comprised of teen-age tendencies, as no mid-life spouse knows HOW to BE in a relationship, much less know how to maintain one.
((hugs))
From PS:
Thanks again. And what you are saying is very interesting. I have found out the hard way that the anger is beyond my control. I was just hoping the the affair partner would get their share somehow. Something else I’m seeing is my spouses’ extreme desire that no family or friends know about the affair. This information is already bleeding out and the suspicions are rampant. Believe you have mentioned this always happens regardless of how hard the spouse tries to hide the affair.
The affair partner is also married but separated and has moved out of the family home. My spouse spends considerable time there so I hope they will start to see what they are both really like and help the masks slide down on both of them. Thanks
From PS:
Hello again. I have been detaching myself from my spouse and feel I have been doing a good job as hard as it is emotionally. Recently I have noticed my spouse has been rather nice to me all of a sudden, paying me compliments and telling me how nice I look. Even initiating a kiss which I have not seen in quite a while. I am confused. Should I let my guard down and reciprocate or is my spouse just testing the waters? Thank you
Hearts Blessings’ reply:
Hello again. I have been detaching myself from my spouse and feel I have been doing a good job as hard as it is emotionally. Recently I have noticed my spouse has been rather nice to me all of a sudden, paying me compliments and telling me how nice I look. Even initiating a kiss which I have not seen in quite a while. I am confused. Should I let my guard down and reciprocate or is my spouse just testing the waters? Thank you
There are TWO possibilities for this…read on. 🙂
One possibility is this: It often seems that mid-life spouses have emotional radar that will detect changes in relational dynamics. It’s apparent you must have been the pursuer in this relationship, and when you detached, and began emotionally distancing, you started backing off, which released the emotional pressure between the two of you, as you continued distancing, you then began to increase the emotional gap between the two of you.
As a result, the mid-life spouse has now sensed a change in dynamics-basically, you’re seeming to be “walking away” from your spouse, and this is not desired on their part–being nice, paying compliments and initiating kisses are designed to try and draw the distancing left-behind spouse back into pursuit, so the Mid-life spouse can reject them again with anger, so they can feed their justifications again for what they are doing that is wrong.
I’m also assuming you’ve also stopped arguing, stopped speaking a whole lot, and as hard as it is, you’ve managed to begin moving forward with your life…and I’ll bet that was about the time, you began experiencing this niceness from your spouse. When a mid-life spouse is being nice they always want something, and it’s up to you to figure out what they’re after.
I’m assuming you stopped all of the argument, pursuit, and everything you were doing?
The second possibility is this: I read back on your prior post, and your partner is still within an affair that you know of? If so, it’s also possible they are trying to end their affair while making sure they are testing the waters to make sure they still have an emotional open door for their return…it could be one or the other, but without more detail, I couldn’t say for certain–as I’ve seen it go either way…
However, there’s a sure fire way to know which way this may be going. Do this without expectation, but very slowly reciprocate–IF it’s an emotional trick designed to draw you back into drama, anger, etc., you’ll get anger after you turn back toward your spouse—and IF it’s for the purpose of looking for an open door, so your mid-life spouse will hopefully decide to end their affair, you’ll see the nice gestures continue–at least until the affair finally ends, and then you’ll see your mid-life spouse begin to go into a deep deep depression process designed to assist them in processing the affair in full.
The show of niceness within a mid-life spouse (especially if it’s all of a sudden) is usually NOT to be trusted, because it would be a reaction to the perception you are being “lost” by the mid-life spouse who still has feelings left for you, but if you can reciprocate without expectation, you’ll know which way this is going by the reaction of the mid-life spouse when you begin slowly responding to the overtures…if anger is seen at any time, back OFF, and move back into detachment and distancing again…if the niceness continues, go very slowly with it, and simply watch what goes on, and if anger is seen, back OFF–and get back into detachment and distancing again.
Whatever you do, in either circumstance, don’t pressure, simply go with the flow, test the waters for yourself, and see what happens. Whichever way this goes, come back and see me again. 🙂
I hope this helps.
