This is from “Love.” Her comments are in bold font, mine answers will remain in regular font.
These are my thoughts for what they are worth. I always tell people take what you need and leave the rest.
Your site is dearly a blessing. Thank you.
My husband dropped the bomb Oct 11 and ran away in Jan 12. Since then he comes and goes as he sees fit. He has hidden his life from me and our teenage children this entire time. He has never spent time alone with all 3 children since he left unless I am included. What I have learned in retrospect is that he had an affair with another woman starting way back in 08 when he was travelling with work. I believe he had a mini BD in Dec 09 but nothing came of it.
He was already deep in Replay by the time he dropped his first emotional bomb in October of 2009. His affair was in full swing, and something happened that caused him to “bomb” you later than normal. OK, so, why did nothing come of the bomb drop in 2009?
It wouldn’t surprise me if you hadn’t already known something was going on back in 2008, because regardless of how well anyone thinks to hide a third party, there are always behavioral signs that “drop” and are shown all along the way. If your Intuition isn’t well developed, this sense is identified as that nagging feeling you get when you know something’s wrong, but can’t put your finger on it.
There hadn’t been anyone that was ever able to completely hide themselves, and any wrong actions they’re doing from anyone–most especially the one that knows them best–just after God–their spouse.
Just a curious question–why were there no questions after you were bombed that first time in 2009? Please forgive my curiosity, if I don’t understand something I will usually ask questions, and often speculate, based on my own knowledge, past experience, and knowing human nature.
Your husband has been in a mid-life crisis since before 2008–what happened that triggered his entry? Did someone die, did he face death, was there any kind of major event that would have helped to trigger his descent into the crisis? You don’t have to answer these questions, these are for you to think about.
OK, so, he was in an affair. Because of the signs that should have dropped during that time, you had to know something was seriously wrong. If you didn’t ask questions, it was either because you knew there was nothing you could do about it, except to step back and let it run its course, (which was a right thing to do, because while he was in his affair, there was nothing you could do). Or you chose to close your eyes to it, and lived in denial for a long time, because you feared what you might find out (this is the option most left-behind spouses choose, but it is not necessarily the best option).
It is often better to know, and figure out what the next step is for oneself, than it is to keep hoping against hope that things will simply straighten out on their own. Most of the time, it doesn’t happen that way–one is usually forced to face reality, and then begin their journey toward wholeness and healing once they are convinced it’s a necessary thing.
Then in “10 he had a major bout of depression and during the middle of the night woke up ranting and raving. This was another BD but it spooked him. It spooked me. Nothing about it made sense. We got him help. this help worked for a small point in time and then in Oct 11 the real bomb drop happened. It was a million times bigger than the one preceding it.
I would venture to say, that he must have tried to end it with the other woman, and as a result he went into his affair processing (also known as OW Withdrawal). That would have been the beginning source of this major bout of depression.
However he never finished his affair processing-it kept being interrupted, and you explain why further below.
To explain his apparent nervous breakdown, during the mid-life crisis, because there are these “certain-aged” children who show up off and on, all during that time, it is not unusual to observe a mid-life spouse suffering from nightmares, night terrors, afraid of the dark, and because it’s so emotionally draining, it can lead to a serious nervous breakdown because of their inability to deal with it.
Of course it didn’t make sense to either one of you–I doubt he remembered what he was dreaming, but it sounds to me like whatever small “child” who was in control at that time was dreaming some pretty scary dreams.
Since then, monster took over and he ran stating it was temporary so that he could get space to deal with his childhood issues. He didn’t know if he could love me “right” but he loved me. He blames me for all types of things. We have seen him do all the cliches – new clothes, new hair, lose weight, new fancy sports car, vacations, strange obsessions, the phone and texting have become issues, new job. Basically he has changed everything.
So, he started emotionally rebelling again, lying to you so he could do what he wanted, when he wanted. Excuses for everything–all of the “Hallmarks” of Replay showing clearly again.
Basically, in short form, he ran out his affair processing right back into deep Replay. Everything changed by HIM to continue try and use outside solutions to fix inside problems. Until he figures out this won’t work, or until you begin learning to set healthy boundaries on his unacceptable behavior, he will continue running down this destructive road he’s on.
I have seen depression peaking through every now and then. When that happens, he will tell me but then that starts a new round of running. He will not admit to the women, even when confronted with the truth. I have stopped asking as the lies hurt more than the actual truth.
Right now, he is depressed again. He has no one stroking his ego at the present that I can tell as the phone is not an issue. He has gained weight, there is no more money to spend, he is coming around more. He has reached out to the woman from 08 who is also married. She likes his attention. She is married also and lives a long plane ride away. She is the perfect fantasy. I saw this cycle a year ago. He became depressed, he decided I was to blame again, he reached out to her. She stroked his ego a bit, then he went and got himself a steady friend and monster took over and spewed venom even at the children. This time there is no money to fuel that behaviour so I am not sure how this will work. I know that he is now inquiring about divorcing me with an attorneys ( he is not aware that I know this) but yet he is making plans with me to go on some family holidays and some nights out as a couple. I heard him say I love you for the first time in months but then he retreated away again and became cold and distant.
So, from you’re describing, he’s really continuing to struggle within Replay at the moment, every time he starts into a round of affair processing, he runs away again–having multiple affairs, still trying to carry out the mid-life spouse’s definition of insanity-“I will keep trying various “outside” solutions to fix my “inside” problem–surely SOMETHING will eventually “fix” me.” Never mind that it won’t.
The important aspect I’ve not seen you mention, and I’m curious to know why you hadn’t set these on his spending (more like WASTING) of money that he didn’t need to have, and because of him, you’re financially broke–these are FIRM BOUNDARIES.
What was different about your situation that you didn’t set these on him?
Would this be the deepest part of the tunnel or would this be him peaking out and seeing the damage and not wanting to deal and running back in? I do see a difference from the times before as his monster is much tamer. I have seen glimspes of the man I know him to be peaking out. He has returned to counselling. When I googled his new counsellor, he specializes in sexual addiction. I did not tell him that I googled him. I think he will divorce me instead of facing me. But if so, why go on holidays with me and have some dates planned. So confusing.
He’s still confused as to what he wants. There’s something missing here–something you haven’t done, and I think the key lays in the boundaries you never set on him, and he doesn’t respect you at all.
You’re wanting him to come to you, but I believe you’re going to have to confront HIM before it’s all done and finished.
I am back being terrified and scared for the future. I am not sure what to think or how to process. I live each day like he is not returning but I cant’ seem to move forward as I seen a lost soul who is destroying all that was chasing some elusive dream of happiness but not realizing that happiness comes from within. He has told me many times that “no expenses would be spared for his happiness.” I had no idea how truer words would ever be spoken.
You need to stop being afraid, and get ready to confront this without showing your husband any fear. He’s accountable for wasting all of the assets, and you cannot let this go. There is financial damage, there is family damage, and what you are waiting for him to do, he may never do.
Mid-life spouses will go as far as they are ALLOWED to go, before facing boundaries that are as thick, tall and wide as brick walls. One is allowed to set behavioral boundaries on mid-life spouses, including, financial boundaries that deal with wasting resources that belong to the household.
All this time he has continued to treat you how you have allowed him to treat you. When he arrogantly told you that no expenses would be spared for his happiness, THAT should have been when the FIRST firm boundary should have been laid, and if need be, you may have had to file for separation to enforce it.
Your self-respect has taken really a hard beating, hadn’t it? When a Mid-life spouse is out of control, spending money a family can’t afford, steps should always be taken to put a stop to it, to minimize the damage done.
When you got him help at the time of his nervous breakdown, you should have also put his feet to the fire, and made certain he understood that “playtime” was done and finished. That if he wanted you, he was going to have to begin straightening up, or he would find himself WITHOUT you, Love.
He had that first affair, OK. So, he gets one, maybe two, and there are some mid-life spouses who have multiple affairs, but what is the main aspect needed to help fuel and support an affair–MONEY, and you should have taken whatever steps were necessary to remove that crutch from him. The first time he began wasting money that you needed for your family, why didn’t you slap a firm boundary on that?
To clarify my point, you can’t set boundaries on the mid-life affair–at least the first one, and maybe not the second one, because of the infatuation hormones, and because it must run its course in full. However, if the issue that drove the mid-life spouse into that first affair isn’t targeted, it will happen again at a later time. He wasn’t going to do this until he no longer had the MONEY to fuel his Replay behaviors. He has looked to you to put a limits on his behavior, just like you would a child, in a sense. When you didn’t do it, for whatever reason, he ran further and further out of control each time.
You can’t lose what’s already been lost, and behavioral boundaries in any area, but the mid-life affair can be set at ANY time, because enabling someone to continue to mistreat you and your family is only going to bring you more trouble—and it looks like in your situation it already has, even to the point you’re thinking he’s going to divorce you rather than face you.
Is it true that near the end of the tunnel, the confusion and cycling becomes rampant mixed in with over depression?
First of all, your husband is NOWHERE near Acceptance–from what I see he’s currently stuck in the beginning last quarter of Replay at this moment, showing some of the latter signs I see in people who are approaching the last quarter of this stage.
However, if you don’t start setting behavioral boundaries on him, he will remain stuck in Replay, and he will start cycling again, worse each time he cycles, as you’ve already seen him do…the fact he’s looking into divorcing you tells me there’s something he’s missing in you–and I would suggest you find it in a hurry, and I suspect it’s your self respect that needs defending.
At any rate, no, it is not true-what you’re speaking of happens toward the end of Replay, and I suspect you’ve already seen some of this for yourself, already. Within the stage of Acceptance, most, if not all of their issues should be settled, and there will be no more confusion, cycling nor depression. All of the confusion, depression, and tendency to emotionally cycle leaves completely, and their awareness becomes clear when the veil (the mid-life crisis fog) is lifted to show them all of their damage.
What is left is a true spiritual and emotional battle they must face, which is much different than the confusion, cycling, and overt depression that actually appears during the latter end of REPLAY, and I have a note written on that aspect at the end of stage two of Acceptance, clearly explaining this difference.
What people might think was depression, confusion and cycling, would actually be a true show of remorse, that leads to a deeper processing that leads to a time of stress, (but they could take that, due to their increased emotional strength during that time), because it is then, they will see the WHOLE of the damage they have done during the deepest part (Replay phase) of their mid-life crisis. When that particular time comes, the differences are always clear, and there will be no mistaking Acceptance for what happens toward the ending of Replay—these are entirely two different stories.
There is a LONG road to walk for your husband before this time happens, if indeed, it ever does.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
Your site is dearly a blessing. Thank you.
My husband dropped the bomb Oct 11 and ran away in Jan 12. Since then he comes and goes as he sees fit. He has hidden his life from me and our teenage children this entire time. He has never spent time alone with all 3 children since he left unless I am included. What I have learned in retrospect is that he had an affair with another woman starting way back in 08 when he was travelling with work. I believe he had a mini BD in Dec 09 but nothing came of it. Then in “10 he had a major bout of depression and during the middle of the night woke up ranting and raving. This was another BD but it spooked him. It spooked me. Nothing about it made sense. We got him help. this help worked for a small point in time and then in Oct 11 the real bomb drop happened. It was a million times bigger than the one preceding it.
Since then, monster took over and he ran stating it was temporary so that he could get space to deal with his childhood issues. He didn’t know if he could love me “right” but he loved me. He blames me for all types of things. We have seen him do all the cliches – new clothes, new hair, lose weight, new fancy sports car, vacations, strange obsessions, the phone and texting have become issues, new job. Basically he has changed everything.
I have seen depression peaking through every now and then. When that happens, he will tell me but then that starts a new round of running. He will not admit to the women, even when confronted with the truth. I have stopped asking as the lies hurt more than the actual truth.
Right now, he is depressed again. He has no one stroking his ego at the present that I can tell as the phone is not an issue. He has gained weight, there is no more money to spend, he is coming around more. He has reached out to the woman from 08 who is also married. She likes his attention. She is married also and lives a long plane ride away. She is the perfect fantasy. I saw this cycle a year ago. He became depressed, he decided I was to blame again, he reached out to her. She stroked his ego a bit, then he went and got himself a steady friend and monster took over and spewed venom even at the children. This time there is no money to fuel that behaviour so I am not sure how this will work. I know that he is now inquiring about divorcing me with an attorneys ( he is not aware that I know this) but yet he is making plans with me to go on some family holidays and some nights out as a couple. I heard him say I love you for the first time in months but then he retreated away again and became cold and distant.
Would this be the deepest part of the tunnel or would this be him peaking out and seeing the damage and not wanting to deal and running back in? I do see a difference from the times before as his monster is much tamer. I have seen glimspes of the man I know him to be peaking out. He has returned to counselling. When I googled his new counsellor, he specializes in sexual addiction. I did not tell him that I googled him. I think he will divorce me instead of facing me. But if so, why go on holidays with me and have some dates planned. So confusing.
I am back being terrified and scared for the future. I am not sure what to think or how to process. I live each day like he is not returning but I cant’ seem to move forward as I seen a lost soul who is destroying all that was chasing some elusive dream of happiness but not realizing that happiness comes from within. He has told me many times that “no expenses would be spared for his happiness.” I had no idea how truer words would ever be spoken.
Is it true that near the end of the tunnel, the confusion and cycling becomes rampant mixed in with over depression?
Thank you, Thank you.
You have given me some things to ponder.
Here are some answers to your questions:
1. Triggers way back when – time is fuzzy these days but a few years prior he did have a heart attack. He was left in charge of his Mother and her illness. This caused him lots of angst as he has a love/hate relationship with her. His work was not working out how he envisioned. Later on when he moved his Mother to be by other family, he felt he had let his Father down as he had made a promise to him to take care of her. There are lots of things that happened before each bomb that could have been a trigger. Mostly work and Mother issues I think.
2. Did I think that there was something going on in his world that was not right way backin 2008/09. You betcha! I couldn’t place my finger on it. I would get anxious if he had a trip planned to one particular city, no other city. His behaviour from returning from there would be one of dislike for me and the children yet every other city he worked in, when he returned, he would be happy to see us. He did not though do what I assumed married men who cheated on their spouses do – lose weight, buy new underwear, talk about new things. It was just something was off. I tried to talk with him but would be told he was just stressed as the project there was stressful and that was true. You try to believe.
3. The affairs – you talk about him having them and me not standing for it. He is not aware that I have found out this information. I have confronted him about “dating” and “”flings” when he first left. He denied. I just found out about these two over the course of the last year. I am too afraid of his monster to bring it out in the open. His Monster is scary and brutal. He to this day, continues to state that there has been noone since me. I have managed to get him to admit to going on online dating sites to chat up women. that is it.
4. Money – by the time I figured out that the money was gone – it was gone. I have confronted him a few times about his spending and how damaging it is for us all. His Monster spews at me and blames me and the children for this. Once again Monster scares me to no end.
5. Divorce – I think the actions of looking into the divorce are fueled by he thought he would have more money each month (not true) and the fact that the OW is pressuring him. I don’t know if she is back in his life or not as I write this. I do know that she wants him to be free so that she does not have to be a secret. I heard this through the rumor mill. I don’t know her nor really know much about her. That is my choice. She is not my concern. I have no clue what she has been told about his situation. I am sure it is not the truth.
It is funny you mention setting strong boundaries and self respect. Way back when he would see the marriage counsellor, he left in full on monster mode one time. In discussion with her afterwards, she commented “it is like he wants you to get mad at him, to defend your self, to stand up to him, to tell him “No.” “. I really was too afraid at that point as it was early on after he ran and I was so stunned and devestated that he had ran away from us.
I do think he gets more out of control with each return to the full replay behaviour. I also know that the last return before this one just about destroyed me. I can’t let that happen again. I am trying to find my strength to keep going but it is difficult.
I will read your posting over and over and over until I think I completely grasp it. Thank you for your thoughts, I really do appreciate the fact that you are willing to share and help. I need all the help I can get these days that come with an understanding of the situation.
Hugs.
Love
Hi Love,
I am working on an answer to your last comment, and will post it here when I’m finished. I’m glad you did not take what I said as criticism toward you-I strive to give people food for thought in my answers-yes, I’m slow, but sometimes slow is good, because my answers are worth waiting for, or so I’ve been told. 🙂
The last thing I would want to do is hurt your feelings, but at the same time, I’m aware that if I don’t speak frankly with people, I would be wasting my time, and none of you, who take the time to write me, get helped.
((hugs))
Thank you, Thank you.
You have given me some things to ponder.
Here are some answers to your questions:
1. Triggers way back when – time is fuzzy these days but a few years prior he did have a heart attack. He was left in charge of his Mother and her illness. This caused him lots of angst as he has a love/hate relationship with her. His work was not working out how he envisioned. Later on when he moved his Mother to be by other family, he felt he had let his Father down as he had made a promise to him to take care of her. There are lots of things that happened before each bomb that could have been a trigger. Mostly work and Mother issues I think.
**Sometimes it’s something major that happens to cause a person that is already questioning themselves to go fullblown into a mid-life crisis, sometimes it seems to be the smallest of things that begin to accelerate a crisis already in process. It’s like the straw that breaks the camel’s back–a series of events that lead to what seems to be constant failure, or even a brush with near death.
It seems to me that everything your husband was struggling with weighed him down to the point he simply snapped, and it can happen like that, too.
2. Did I think that there was something going on in his world that was not right way backin 2008/09. You betcha! I couldn’t place my finger on it. I would get anxious if he had a trip planned to one particular city, no other city. His behaviour from returning from there would be one of dislike for me and the children yet every other city he worked in, when he returned, he would be happy to see us. He did not though do what I assumed married men who cheated on their spouses do – lose weight, buy new underwear, talk about new things. It was just something was off. I tried to talk with him but would be told he was just stressed as the project there was stressful and that was true. You try to believe.
**I figured you knew, but you’d be surprised at how many people live in continued denial of what is so obviously going on. It’s apparent that your husband was seeing this other woman in this particular city, and because of guilt, shame, etc…and emotional confusion, because he was so drawn to her, he acted out toward you and the children.
However, as long as he wasn’t around her–he was able to compartmentalize this ongoing affair to such an extent, he carried on a double life—and struggled hard to keep those two lives (his affair, and his family) from coming together. Each time he went to see her he was threatened with the possibility these two worlds would collide with a bang-somewhere within himself he knew it wasn’t right, but he did it anyway–and took it all out on you and the children.
People involved within affair, don’t always follow the clichéd kinds of signs that are written. And, it’s possible that the only thing he was using her for was for company–to make him feel in a way that he would not allow you to make him feel–special, admired, affirmed…affairs are not always about sex, but more about an emotional connection.
However, even if he weren’t having sex–he was still taking the energy best put into his marriage, and investing it into another person he had no business investing it in. He knew it was wrong–even though his mind would convince him he wasn’t doing anything wrong–that’s why he withdrew himself from you and the children–there’s just no room in one heart for two people that the cheater is trying to reconcile with the exact same kind of feelings-it can’t happen…and it gets worse when the cheater is trying to reconcile both in such a way to make it “OK”– when it can’t be done.
At any rate he didn’t face what had driven him down that road-so, he did it again at a later time.
3. The affairs – you talk about him having them and me not standing for it. He is not aware that I have found out this information. I have confronted him about “dating” and “”flings” when he first left. He denied. I just found out about these two over the course of the last year. I am too afraid of his monster to bring it out in the open. His Monster is scary and brutal. He to this day, continues to state that there has been noone since me. I have managed to get him to admit to going on online dating sites to chat up women. that is it.
**It’s not so much you not standing for it at the time it’s happening–there’s not one thing that can be done about an affair in progress. It’s when the cheater ISN’T in an affair that something can be done.
You know your husband is lying to you to cover himself-even worse, he’s lying to HIMSELF- and until he confronts himself in an honest way, he will never stop lying–and the lies will simply get bigger, more creative, and in time, destroy your marriage anyway, Love. Your fear of his acting out ( I do NOT call ANY mid-life spouse names like “monster”–that’s disrespectful in my eyes) toward you to the point of violence isn’t going to get any better–it’s only going to get worse as time goes on.
I think your fear runs a whole lot deeper than just being scared of him acting out toward you. It’s something in you that fears confrontation in any form, and he knows this, because in spite of the emotional crisis that overlays his personality at the moment, he still KNOWS YOU– so he continues to bully you each time you “dare” say something to him. People will treat us how we allow them to treat us–even during a major mid-life crisis.
You do realize he’s controlling you using your fear of his intense anger, right?–Mid-life spouses will do that if they can get away with it. This is all about what control they can exert over any given situation that might lead to them having to grow up, and be adults–you need to realize that he is just as afraid as you are.
I know how you feel, however, true courage is never born out of bravery–courage is stepping forward in spite of being afraid. There is always a chance we will lose something when we make a stand for what is right–however, the chance of losing ourselves becomes greater when we don’t gather our courage, and simply learn to STAND UP, and if the person we’re confronting chooses to walk away, what are we losing to begin with? NOTHING at all, because we’re not the losers here–the person who has sinned against us, stands to lose a lot more than we will, or even could.
There’s comes a time when you firmly decide you’re done with all of the lies, the secrecy, and once your fear is overcome, then the one who is controlling you with out of control anger gets two choices–get with the program or walk away—however, when we decide to make a stand, we do come to understand that when we begin to act, the situation could go either way, and we learn to be OK, no matter what happens in the future.
4. Money – by the time I figured out that the money was gone – it was gone. I have confronted him a few times about his spending and how damaging it is for us all. His Monster spews at me and blames me and the children for this. Once again Monster scares me to no end.
**Quite honestly, I can see how that could have happened–bills were paid for your household, no real reason to question until something happened that led to this discovery.
Not getting on to you, this is NOT your fault, but I don’t mind telling you that I don’t like the reference “monster.” When it comes to a truly hurting mid-life spouse’s behaviors-the typical mid-life spouse is NOT a monster, has not become a monster, and never will be a monster. This is not showing a clear separation between good and evil.
Our very words in relation to speaking about ourselves, and about OTHER people, including our husbands and wives, carry a lot of power, and they’re better spent writing/speaking explanations that are helpful, rather than simply doing a lot of name-calling designed to degrade these emotionally hurting mid-life spouses. That particular term (and I can’t even call it that, because it’s not helpful) really isn’t an accurate description of the actual opposite and dark side of their personality, and to that same end, it’s just a childish label, designed to avoid having to explain what the person using it doesn’t really understand themselves.
In short form, each one of us has a “light” and a “dark” side-during the mid-life crisis, these two sides get into a hard battle, because childish rebellion , as well as a very real clash between good and evil, comes into play during that time.
Regardless of what anyone says, we are ALL capable of doing horrible and horrendous things to each other and other people. This is never about “We are good, while the mid-life spouse is a ‘monster,'” in my humble opinion, that’s a wrong way to look at it.
Each one of us, as the human beings we are, will always have choices, and furthermore, we are also called upon to reconcile this fact within ourselves, and learn to accept and reconcile this same fact within our mid-life spouses. When we let people convince us to separate things like that, by putting a label on it that carries no real explanation with it, we become guilty of avoiding the fact. We should be learning how to deal with the actual behaviors rather than just labeling it, and using that label to continue making a kind of excuse for this kind of behavior.
When people avoid the real issue, it doesn’t serve any purpose, except to increase the already present disrespect for the mid-life spouse. This is someone you love, why would you even go down this road in the first place? There are a lot of things circulating around the Internet these days that I don’t agree with.
I know where you got this same inaccurate reference, but at the same time bear in mind that what you were facing when you confronted this man-child was total rebellion on his part–one of his children, nothing more, nothing less. Giving the angrily spewing side of them a label, doesn’t help anything, but cause people’s thinking to start down a road best left alone.
In spite of the fact that yes, he spent the money, and yes he threw a tantrum in response to your confronting him, he is STILL a HUMAN BEING, and a hurting human being is what he will remain until he figures out how to (1) outgrow his immaturity and (2) you gather your strength, and stand firmly, regardless of how bad he gets–and things will always get worse before they become better.
5. Divorce – I think the actions of looking into the divorce are fueled by he thought he would have more money each month (not true) and the fact that the OW is pressuring him. I don’t know if she is back in his life or not as I write this. I do know that she wants him to be free so that she does not have to be a secret. I heard this through the rumor mill. I don’t know her nor really know much about her. That is my choice. She is not my concern. I have no clue what she has been told about his situation. I am sure it is not the truth.
**Your attitude about the other woman is a good one, Love–she is not your problem, she is HIS, and you’ve got that one down. If he goes on and files for a divorce, let him have his divorce–sometimes people don’t realize what they’ve done until they go too far–and that might be what it will take for him to realize what he’s losing in you…it will be HIS actions that come back to bite him, not so much yours.
However, even in this–if he carries it this far, do NOT back down, get EVERYTHING that you are legally entitled to–you have all this time invested in the marriage, you have children, and you make sure you get it all. God will often use the left-behind spouse to carry out certain consequences that the mid-life spouse wouldn’t face otherwise.
You would be right that he would think he would have more money, when in reality, he would have that much less, if you play your cards right in this.
No, I don’t advocate divorce, but if a mid-life spouse is that determined, let them have what they think they want, but don’t back down from what’s rightfully yours–there is a certain entitlement you are allowed to have, and you’ve got to live on something afterward…if it goes that far.
It is funny you mention setting strong boundaries and self respect. Way back when he would see the marriage counsellor, he left in full on monster mode one time. In discussion with her afterwards, she commented “it is like he wants you to get mad at him, to defend your self, to stand up to him, to tell him “No.” “. I really was too afraid at that point as it was early on after he ran and I was so stunned and devestated that he had ran away from us.
**We’re all afraid to begin with. Our world has crashed, we’re devastated, and we don’t know what the future will hold. As time goes on, we begin walking our personal journey, and begin getting our feet back under us again, we begin learning that there is nothing to fear but fear itself–and if we want to eventually live in peace, there will always be a fight involved–I don’t care what anyone says.
My life experience has involved a lot of emotional battles that have led to change, growth, becoming what God meant for me to become—and after that becoming, I found I was living a whole more peacefully. It doesn’t mean I won’t come against anything else–it just means that finding peace sometimes means setting limits against bad behavior, no matter what it is, and learning to let the good in, and keep the bad out.
However, because we are often called upon to DEAL with bad things–we learn not to take what’s done into ourselves, but keeping it out, and seeing it what it is, something bad that has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the person who is doing it, or is directly involved in it.
It’s like being directly or indirectly affected by the sin of other people–at times we are forced to deal with it, to set limits on it, but we don’t have to get involved in it–and to remain at peace, we continue upholding that higher standard within ourselves. No one is perfect, we are all learning–that’s why the events that lead into Life’s most important lessons are called “mistakes.”
Life is never lived without making mistakes–it is often trial and error–falling down, getting up, dusting ourselves off, walking forward..and we repeat that process daily.
It doesn’t surprise me that the marriage counselor saw the same thing I saw in your situation. That was a constant refrain throughout your first posting–that you were lacking in boundaries.
Each time he cycled back, he was subconsciously looking for those limits to be set, and because of fear, you let it go each time…and your next paragraph is very telling at this point..
I do think he gets more out of control with each return to the full replay behaviour. I also know that the last return before this one just about destroyed me. I can’t let that happen again. I am trying to find my strength to keep going but it is difficult.
**He gets more out of control, because you continue allowing him to get more out of control–and it makes sense that things are in a negative emotional cycle that gets worse each time it comes back around.
You get a feeling of déjà vu (I’ve been here before), and something different needs to be done, but no one can do it but you.
I will read your posting over and over and over until I think I completely grasp it. Thank you for your thoughts, I really do appreciate the fact that you are willing to share and help. I need all the help I can get these days that come with an understanding of the situation.
Hugs.
Love
**Hopefully, this additional posting will help you a whole lot more, Love. Don’t beat yourself to pieces, you’re only human–I wouldn’t even begin to beat people to pieces for what I know is them doing the very best they can within a situation where the only person they have control over is THEMSELVES in the first place.
The only way that change will come is when you get down to business with yourself, decide what you will and won’t tolerate, and above all—learn to overcome your fear, because that same fear is only going to hold you back from what is going to be some of the greatest growth that you can achieve for yourself.
It all begins when you learn to set boundaries on the bad behavior of another person.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers,
((hugs))
HB
I need some guidance please and thank you.
It has come to my attention that the OW has definitely ended it because she can’t see him sever his ties to me. He only sees the children as a whole if I am involved. I guess he said then that he would end things with me but she put a timestamp on that and he would not accept those conditions. The OW thinks she is his addiction from what I hear and that he can’t stop her but she deserves better. So I guess I am waiting to see if he follows through in his panic to keep her by ended it wall with me.
I know I can’t stop him and I won’t. I don’t want a divorce, I want my marriage as we had dreamt about all those years ago when we first said “I do.”. It has been told to me that he feels that he has a connection with her that he has never felt before. Anyways, I think they both crave the drama, so I don’t think it is over but who knows.
I am looking for guidance on how to handle his conversation with me if he does decide to end it with me. (it is my understanding he told her he would do it the next few days – she told him not to bother as they are done.) He told her that she would respect him if he told me face to face rather than the text she thought I only deserved.
I don’t want to be a blubbering mess or an angry person that helps justify in his mind what he is doing. So anything would be helpful
I am looking for guidance on how to handle his conversation with me if he does decide to end it with me. (it is my understanding he told her he would do it the next few days – she told him not to bother as they are done.) He told her that she would respect him if he told me face to face rather than the text she thought I only deserved.
I don’t want to be a blubbering mess or an angry person that helps justify in his mind what he is doing. So anything would be helpful
Hi Love,
Of course you already know to hold yourself together, no anger, no crying, etc…..you do get that. I prayed on this, and what came to clearly to me is this:
IF he comes to you, and ends it with you, then let him go, as God commands all of us to do with sinners/mid-life spouses. You’d be forced to let him go anyway. However, very calmly let him know without showing him any emotional at all, that this is decision is his alone to make, and that you will let him go, wish him well, wish him love. Also tell him that you want him to be happy even if it is not with you.
However, you really could NOT reassure him that he would have a place with you if this didn’t work out. After all that’s happened, I would advise you not promise him anything at that point. If he asks, make it clear that if he returned again, he would have to earn you back, because your heart would not be that easily given again. Then, let him go, and what he decides to do in the future would truly be up to him.
Hon, this is not your fault–the fault lies within your husband, and you’ve gone a long way with him over time—and what he’s doing now, is the ultimate insult to the wife of his youth–and God knows these things.
God has called us to peace, so when someone doesn’t want to stay with us, love us, and treat us as they are supposed to, we can’t hold onto them–we are supposed to let them go, wish them well, and want them to be happy even if it’s not with us.
We always hope that when we give them what they think they want, they’ll find they don’t want it.
If he does this, you’re not going to be given a choice in the matter–he’s still the one with the problem.
Above all, no matter what–hold your ground, Love. He has no respect for anyone, not even himself…and that’s a terrible emotional place for a person to be in. Even more terrible for you after all you’ve been through.
I really hope he doesn’t go through with it–I hope with all of my heart that he returns and begins to straighten up. You’re a great lady, and honestly, you never deserved any of this.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
My blessings to you.
I am not sure I am strong enough for this conversation that I won’t be a mess but what you said is right and truthful. Please know that you are an angel in my heart for you guidance.
Thank you.
My blessings to you.
I am not sure I am strong enough for this conversation that I won’t be a mess but what you said is right and truthful. Please know that you are an angel in my heart for you guidance.
Thank you.
Speaking truth is a hard thing, especially when the person we love the most after God is choosing a destructive path. However, God isn’t going to abandon you, Love. He will be there with you and strengthen you as you speak to your husband when/if the time comes for this confrontation. Please keep me posted on what happens, but also keep me posted on YOU–I’m more concerned about you than your husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
((Hugs))
Heartsblessing,
guidance please – he did not have any form of conversation with me. But he did tell the OW that he did and that I was accepting of the demise of our marriage and that legal work is being filed. She is not so sure and they are fighting non stop over it. I guess he has managed to soothe her over with his lies. It will only be a matter of time that she realizes and/or he is forced to follow thru. Since this happened, he has completly detached from me and the kids. Very limited contact and what contact we had was indifferent and cold (almost angry in his demeanour). I expect this is going to blow up soon. I just don’t know when or how. I wonder why he would lie about something so big in order to just buy him time. Supposedly she is convinced that his heart belongs to me and using her. Her people can’t convince her to stay away from him though.
Needless to say, my anxiety is at an all time high again.
Dear Love,
What came to me after I prayed on this was for you to simply stand still right now, and still do nothing at this point. You cannot set a boundary until he comes to you. You’re to wait and see how this current drama plays out. Your husband is about to find out what happens when he lies to someone, and they find out the truth. Nothing done in darkness ever stays there–it always comes out into the light of day. I would not want to be in his shoes when the OW finds out he’s lied to her. Hell hath no greater fury than a woman scorned, and OW’s are the most vindictive women a wayward MLC spouse can ever think to cross-and God help the liar when the mid-life spouse lies to their affair partner.
How long it will take for the situation to implode upon itself, depends on how long it takes the OW to find out he has lied to her. I honestly don’t think his intention is to leave you at all, but at the same time, she’s a “draw” for your husband, and his emotional addiction is pulling him her direction–and he seeks to play both sides of the fence while also trying to ensure he stacks the emotional deck in his favor.
I had thought at first that you might have to go on and confront him, but my Intuition quickly intervened and advised that your Intuition has already advised you NOT to take this fight to him–that you must still wait for him to come to YOU. That’s why your anxiety is at this all-time high again. The waiting you’re doing this time seems to be worse than all the other times of waiting you’ve had combined together.
However, this drama must resolve one way or the other, and soon, because she is not going to wait forever, and you are not going to be instructed to wait forever, if that makes sense.
Nothing to do right now but watch and wait, as the seeds of your husband’s deception have now been sown–and what happens next will be in the hands of God.
Mid-life spouses, as you can see, will be just as quick to lie to their affair partner as they are to lie to their left-behind spouse–this is an effort to keep them out of trouble, keep them covered, and to supposedly “benefit” them, although deception is NEVER beneficial to anyone…and of course, eventually, deceptive actions, words, and deeds are always caught up with…and there is always double the trouble when a lying person has to keep telling MORE lies to keep their story straight–eventually, it all blows up their face…and again, all you’re going to need to do is wait and watch.
I hope this helps. Keep me posted.
((hugs))
Heartsblessing,
I am very confused. Since we last posted, I have seen him pull away and then come close and then pull away. i know that he has changed his antidepressents. He told me he was not sleeping so he has asked for help for that too. He has started seeing yet again another counsellor. When he first started them, he reached out because he was having issues. We discussed them like we normally would. This went for a few days and now he doesn’t want to discuss. I let him take the lead.
From what I could tell, the OW was out of the picture based on his actions and patterns. I have heard that it was a viscous fight that lead to the demise and it was because of me. They say she is thinking he is insane. His behaviour was that of one. But that has changed again.
I don’t know what to think. Since I last posted, I have heard they broke up, he came close, he cylced away. We have a family reunion planned for later next month. He wanted to come. Then he tried to cancel. then he came back and said yes and offered up another family time away leaving in a week or so. We took him up on it. I thought maybe he was trying to find his way back and he seemed very genuine in his talk of getting himself help.
. I spent an evening out with him just being alone the two of us. We didn’t discuss us or anything like that. We just hung out and shared some laughs and conversation. It was fun. He even told me he had a good time. He reached out the next day. Gave me a nice compliment but then went running back to try and reach her.
I don’t know if he is successful in his attempt to reach her. I am not sure how he this will work.
I am just so confused, hurt and lost.