From Ellen:
Bomb drop was 3 years ago. Husband moved out and lives with his parents. He swears there never has been OW but I know they lie. We have had constant contact (every day) since he left. I was interested in the touch and go. I feel he has been doing this for the past 8 months and moving closer ever so slowly as time goes on. Just wondering if there were not any significant childhood issues is this still a mid life crisis. He is text book in every other aspect but as far as I am aware he had an average childhood, parents still married he was the “golden child”. We have been married 25 years and he suddenly became a man I didn’t know and wanted to change every part of his life.
Thank you for your wisdom. This is the most horrible thing anyone can endure in their marriage
Hearts Blessings’ reply:
Dear Ellen,
To be fair, not every Mid-Life spouse gets involved within an affair, although their emotional actions might seem to point that direction. Unless you have solid, irrefutable evidence that he’s seeing someone else, or has been seeing someone else, don’t be so quick to assume that he’s lying within this aspect.
The Mid-Life transitional period, that may or may not become an actual Mid-Life crisis, comes for all people, so, UNLESS he’s gotten himself entangled with an OW, his may well stay within the realm of a transition.
BUT, he will STILL have go through, and finish the complete transitional process, (however long it takes him), that will teach him all of the life’s lessons he must learn in order to eventually emerge fully balanced, and emotionally mature. The ultimate goal of this transitional period is full emotional maturation. There are very few people who reach this particular goal before Mid-Life.
The majority of people are forced to have to navigate this full transition during their Mid-Life years in order to complete the necessary change, growth and becoming, they are called upon to do.
Considering he’s living with his parents at the moment, it could be that he’s reliving the time in his life where he hadn’t “cut the emotional ties that bind and strangle” from his parents as a young man-and he intends to eventually finish that particular unfinished action on his part. I would advise continuing to giving him space to figure himself out.
His “touch and goes” may continue for some time, as he is on his own timetable during this time of HIS Mid-Life Crisis, but don’t get so entangled in what he’s doing, that you forget the work you must needs to also do upon and within yourself.
When it comes down to it, you don’t have control over anything he does; you only have control over yourself, your actions and your reactions/responses.
As far as the mid-life crisis being the more horrible thing anyone can endure in their marriage, in all honesty, that’s only according to one’s perception. I once thought that same thing, but came to understand at a much later time, that this was not the most horrible thing anyone can endure within their marriage. If you sit down and really think about it, there are worse things that can happen, but during the time of the mid-life crisis, one is not thinking of anything but the crisis, as it can be all-consuming at times-and that only occurs if you allow yourself to focus on what you cannot change-your Mid-Life spouse.
On my own part, I came to see the Mid-Life Crisis as having been the best thing that could have happened. Why? Because of all that I learned during that time, all of the change, growth and becoming I went through, and because of the end result that came-that more balanced, better person I became, because of my experience. The point being, in time, I came to understand that I, too, needed to grow up for the first time in my own life.
The marriage that came through all and everything, was simply a bonus, not just a means to an end. My perception changed in a positive way, and I don’t have any bad feelings surrounding that past experience-this is what full healing does. I saw everything within the scope of my life, and marriage, within a reality never before seen during my own Journey to Wholeness and Healing, and out of both of the fires of crisis and transitional time, came a woman who is still, to this day, truly grateful for this experience. 🙂
It has taught me so very much. 🙂
In time, what became the most important aspect for me, wasn’t my marital status, it was the JOURNEY I took for myself that redefined me as an individual person, and this same journey, helped me to become a fully mature individual. To this day, I’m still learning, changing, growing and becoming, as this aspect never stops-it only finishes in one aspect, and begins within another.
Food for thought. ((hugs))
Hi HB
I’m reading a lot about childhood issues leading to mlc. To the best of my knowledge my husband had a good childhood. He has a wonderful supportive family. His parents are still married. My question is could a person still have a midlife crisis if they didn’t have a difficult upbringing? My husband exhibits every symptom and is text book in every other aspect. We have been together 27 years and he changed seemingly overnight.
Dear Ellen,
These are my thoughts for what they’re worth. The mid-life crisis is based on the issues within a person that come forward to be faced, resolved, and healed. Because you didn’t break him, you can’t hope to fix him, and he is broken at this point in time. Whether he comes through or not, will be up to him. It’s a process that all people must navigate through fully, and if they don’t, whatever they seek to avoid, bury or even push back for a later time, will come back to torment the person. No one has any control over what happens but God, and the person that is going through this time of life. They must learn to confront themselves honestly, learn to fix themselves, and grow into full emotional maturation as a result–and this takes time to accomplish.
I had to look back and see what comment you’d made before. The reason I didn’t post on the first one was because there was no question to be answered. The answer to your current question is yes, a person can still have a mid-life crisis even if they didn’t seem to have a difficult upbringing. Not all people who go into the mid-life crisis have had past difficult upbringings.
Also, not every mid-life crisis results from issues caused by divorce. The parents can still be married, but the person can still have an emotional crisis, regardless. One never knows exactly how people develop issues from what seemed to be an ideal childhood. I’ve known people who seemed to have these, however, it all goes back to becoming emotionally balanced-and even those people suffered from the extreme end of the “entitlement” scale. Their parents gave them every advantage, but because they weren’t emotionally matured through the various challenges they should have faced, but didn’t, because their parents were always making sure they were “cushioned” from every fall they took, well, an emotional imbalance can result from that kind of childhood.
It always goes back to a lack of emotional balance, and where there’s an imbalance, an emotional crisis results to bring things back into a balanced state. This is what puberty is about, and when puberty doesn’t finish, the quarter-life transition should, but if it gets pushed back again, then the next opportunity comes at mid-life–and that’s assuming that nothing major happens in that 10 year span that causes an emotional crisis that seeks to bring a person to this same end.
Also, you might think you know someone well, but then find out there are skeletons in the closet you never knew were there. The mid-life crisis is often all about perception, but it wouldn’t be yours, because you’re not your husband, and he’s not you.
People do change over time–those who think they have remained the same, are either stagnant in their growth, or they fail to realize that everybody changes over time–there are mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual changes that should occur as we grow older. Our perception and perspective even changes over time.
Even our emotional needs change. It’s possible the people who didn’t seem to have a difficult upbringing may perceive they have “missed” something, and think to catch up somewhere, but again it’s all about perception. I’m not saying it’s right, because it’s not right to destroy families in search of something one perceives as “lost” or “missing”– but it does go back to something being missing in the way of emotional maturation that must be found and fixed by the person who is going through the mid-life crisis.
He could have opened his mouth and said something at any time, but would you have listened? Quite honestly, I know I wouldn’t have, because at the time, we’re too busy trying to keep things from changing, however this is beyond our control, because we don’t have control over anyone but ourselves–and this is something we learn, as we take the focus off the mid-life spouse, and begin learning to get it onto ourselves.
I think you said in your earlier comment, that he’s in an affair–and that affair must run it’s entire course, and you have two choices–either wait this aspect out, as you continue working on yourself, or walk away, and still do the work on yourself. Nothing you do will turn this crisis back or accelerate forward–it’s not up to you, it’s up to him.
Everything he does/doesn’t do has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. I always suggest giving them space and time to figure themselves out while you do the necessary work on yourself. Make sure you continue living your own life during this time-don’t put your life on hold because of him, or even for him. It takes time to navigate through, and this time has been given unto you to learn to deal with yourself. When he put you on this road that wasn’t of your making, he made this about you, just like his crisis is all about him.
While he seemed to change overnight, this really didn’t come up all of a sudden…the signs were there long before he emotionally bombed you–if you look back with an honest eye, you’ll be able to see them.
You’ll find in time, that you’ll be just fine. Hang in there, I know it’s hard, but there is hope as long as you still love him.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))
Hi HB
Thank you for your response.
I am leaving him to figure this out on his own. Bomb was 3 years ago. We have a very strong “friendship” and interact one way or another on a daily basis. He has told me that he has not ever been with another woman physically but has a “friend” who I believe he has been having an emotional affair with for 3 years. I have witnessed him go through each stage that you have written about and believe him to be in stage 2 of acceptance at this point. I have worked on me and continue to do so. This is a very long process but I still love my husband and will continue to stand and grow. It has been a long hard road but I have survived and will continue to no matter what he does or doesn’t do. I am living my life.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond
Dear Ellen,
According to your description, he still remains in an emotional affair at this time. Therefore, he hasn’t progressed forward from Replay-he’s still in there. Any type of affair, whether physical or emotional, can’t survive past the Replay phase/stage. That illicit connection must be broken down completely and grieved in full in order to move forward into the crossover that leads into the next stage, which is Depression.
In theory, if the affair could survive past Replay, (and it really can’t, because it’s part of their running and avoidance behaviors carried out during that time that must be overcome), it would interfere with and hold back the process that leads into the further facing of his issues, because all connections must be broken before going into Depression, except for the one that God created to bind the marriage together, in order to begin working on himself.
This is why mid-life spouses who choose to divorce and marry their mistakes remain in Replay for a long time, if not a lifetime, after this happens Even if they choose to remain married to the other woman/other man, in order to move forward within their still-existing emotional crisis, they must break that connection down completely. Of course, it causes problems when this happens.
When the emotional bomb was dropped on the unsuspecting left-behind spouse at the beginning of Replay, the connection that held the couple together was broken, and it remains broken until much later in the crisis. If an illicit connection has been forged with a third party/affair partner, it, too, must eventually break down, or the mid-life spouse won’t move forward as they’re supposed to in this process.
To explain this in a different way, since the process of facing and resolving their issues is completely up to them and isn’t based on what someone else does or doesn’t do, any connection remaining would be a hindrance to their future growth–and so, going into the stage of Depression, there are no connections, emotional or otherwise between them and anyone else. A deeply depressed person is incapable of connecting in the first place, and they’re completely consumed within themselves during the stage of Depression.
If he were in Acceptance phase two, he would already be fully recommitted back to his marriage (per the breaking of Withdrawal), he would have already returned home to work on his marriage, and he would not be emotionally connected with anyone but you.
This is what I know from past experience, and it’s simply food for thought to consider.
((hugs))
I understand what you are saying and appreciate all of it. I should have stated that he says she is just a friend I believe he turned to her when he should have turned to me. You have had much more experience with these situations than I have for sure. I have witnessed the deep depression and the withdrawl he is slowly turning back toward me but I am cautious to not put any expectations on him at all. I am leaving up to God. If our marriage was as solid as I believed it to be before this began he will return. If I am wrong about that he will not and will just go on without me. I know I have no control over him or the outcome of his crisis.
Thank you very much for your wisdom
Dear Ellen,
Please understand I’m not trying to be discouraging, not at all. You’re doing so well at this time-your great emotional strength comes through clearly. I truly admire you, and every person who seeks help, validation, and confirmation for what you’re seeing. I sincerely believe that with time, strength, patience, love, and more understanding than a person has ever had to develop in their lives, marriages can survive this.
I speak based on what I’m seeing in descriptions people give me, the more detail, the better I’m able to help. To help is all I’m here to do. I’m not here to criticize anyone’s methods, I’m not here to tear you down, and I’m certainly NOT here to make you feel like you’re not doing the very best you know how, when you’re doing everything you can to stand for yourself, and your marriage.
That’s a lot to ask of anyone to begin with-it was a lot to ask of me, when I was walking in everyone’s shoes years ago. I often thought that God was trying to put so much more on me than I could stand, I was struggling to follow the instructions I was given, and it was really hard, because it seemed like for every step I was able to take forward, I seemed to lose more distance than I gained.
Sometimes I thought that God was punishing me for something I did, when that wasn’t true, and in time, I learned this fact. Sometimes I had to deal with people who didn’t understand why I stood like I did, people who didn’t understand why I was relying on my Intuition to guide me, when in their eyes, I could have saved myself a lot of misery-well, that was easy for them to say, because they weren’t me, and I wasn’t them. However, like you, I didn’t quite see it that way-the harder road was walked right into the end, and I will tell you with deep conviction that it was all worth it, because I gained more than I ever thought I lost, and I still feel that way.
Understand, too, that what I’m about to tell you, comes from my own experience, and that of many others I’ve guided in this way before. I, too, made a similar mistake, when I was walking down this road, that I try to help others avoid, and I’ve seen this before many times.
I wrote all my descriptions AFTER the fact, because there are so many aspects that aren’t seen clearly until you’re some time past them, and I was no different. God sent me a “help” to guide me during that time, plus He assisted me, also, and there was a time when I actually thought things were close to the end, while still in the Replay stage, but they weren’t, and a short time showed me thus.
One of the biggest problems over time that I’ve seen with people’s struggle to interpret what they are seeing accurately within the stages is confusing the grieving depression and withdrawal symptoms of the Affair Processing, that comes before the crossover from Replay into Depression, with the “revisitation” of the stages that comes in Acceptance stage two. These two aspects are not the same thing, each aspect shows differently when it comes about. It’s very easy to do, and, again, I’ve seen people do it before.
You’ve witnessed the deep depression and withdrawal symptoms, but I believe those belonged to the Affair processing aspect, because what you’re describing is accurate for this to happen when any type of affair is broken down completely and all contact is stopped. I hope he chooses to go on and leave this person alone that he was friends with, and doesn’t try to hold on to this. All connections in this area need to be broken completely and never reconnected again. It is not possible to continue a friendship with someone you’ve illicitly attached to, because once certain emotional lines (within the emotional affair aspect) are crossed, they cannot be recrossed, as nothing will “fix” what has happened.
It’s very possible you may be called upon to set a boundary on this, and a boundary would be acceptable if he tried to “keep” this unacceptable friendship of his after he’s gone to all the trouble to break it down. If he continues to be friends with her, because of the emotional weakness he is still showing at this time, he could be drawn back in, and if he is, the whole Affair Processing(also known as OW Withdrawal), will reset its clock from the beginning, and start again. Once an affair is broken down, all contact stopped, and the grieving process is gone through to a point that it’s close to finishing, there is an emotional battle that happens-the mid-life spouse begins fighting against going back into what they just came out of.
This would be because in the slow turning back to the left-behind spouse, the mid-life spouse is actually forced to combine the meeting of ALL their emotional needs into ONE person, instead of splitting these between two people. It’s a complicated emotional battle, but one that can be won as they gather additional emotional strength within to stop themselves from straying again, regardless of which way they had strayed before…emotional or physical.
ALL contact with her must cease completely, or he will emotional cycle in ways that are undesirable to you. If he continues on the current path you’re describing, he will turn fully back to you for a time, because he would need to do this, in order to get your help to assist him in navigating the coming stages. His thinking processes will also seem to become clear for a time, because he will have put himself temporarily on hold to try and ensure you don’t walk away and leave him completely.
The bottom line is that they all return broken, and in need of help, and by that time, the left-behind spouse is usually in a “right” place to help the mid-life spouse continue navigating forward in their crisis.
You willingness to begin connecting with him in this new way, will assist him in seeing that you still want him, as he will look for an “open door” to return to you. It’s important that you show him this. While I realize accountability is important, you might not get what you’re looking for until later on-true accountability and Godly remorse usually doesn’t come until later in the stage of Withdrawal, when they’re more able to take being held accountable for their actions.
Your acceptance of him during this particular time, will help set the stage for the crossover into the stage of Depression-and believe me, if you thought you’d been seeing depression and withdrawal now, it looks so much worse when they complete this crossover into the actual stage of Depression. This becomes a “see to believe”, aspect because what you see before this happens, you think can’t get any worse, but yes, it can, because their issues begin to really surface, and they begin to see their failures, plus see themselves as failures.
Depending upon their emotional makeup, they may cry a LOT, spew a lot MORE, and beat themselves up terribly. Your patience will be tried to the max. If and when you have time or even additional questions, take a look at the description I wrote another commenter: Ellen and I’ve linked back to it, because it ran very long. You’ll see that later in my answer to her, I describe what’s seen as the mid-life spouse crosses over-you may have already read it, but it will be good to reference back to, as it’s a general guide for what’s seen during the Stage of Depression.
I wish, I wish, I wish that I could have validated where you thought you were, but the more detail you revealed, the more I realized where you actually were. I’m very sorry if anything I wrote upset you. That’s not my intention, because I’m really here to help people, not to hurt them.
Keep me posted if you want to, on how you and your husband are, and how things are going. Always ask questions at any time, because that’s what I’m here for. I’m not just here to write, I’m also here to answer questions, too, when they are asked.
((hugs))
Hi HB
Please let me say I did not take any of the things you said as negative. I am a terrible writer and so much gets lost from my brain to the page lol.
I think my biggest problem is my husband does not feel this is an emotional affair. He tells me I’m making more of it than what it is and its not what I think. I know if he ever decides to return No Contact of any kind with her will be tolerated by me and I have let that be known to him. I have read your response to Booboo and all the things you describe my husband has exhibited. The crying the feeling like a failure the suicide threats and the feeling that everyone would be better off without him, the aches and pains, most of what you said I have also seen many of the things you list in the withdrawl stage.
Not that it really matters where he is because he is not done and not home so I do have to learn to focus on me and leave him to figure this out on his own. Easier said than done but I’m working on it.
Thank you for your wisdom and taking time to respond.
Dear Ellen,
No harm, no foul. I understand how you feel. It doesn’t surprise me what your husband is saying…everything he’s saying points to him being in emotional crisis, plus he’s covering over everything he’s doing with self-justification and entitlement aspects. He has to make it all look good for him, or he’ll fall apart. It’s the way all of them are. It isn’t right, but that’s how they do.
Hang tough, Sweetheart, you’re going to be just fine no matter what happens.
((Hugs))