Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Boo Boo

22 thoughts on “Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Boo Boo”

1. Hi, I hope I am posting in the right section…and I also hope you are well Heartsblessings.

   I have a question that has been nagging me for a few days now. I am usually in regular contact with my h, but he hasn’t been in touch for over 10 days and on sunday found out through the kids that he has gone away. 5 hours away, therefore could not visit.
   That place he is at, is where a very good friend of him lives, one he sees as a father figure and hasn’t been there since a few days before bd. I believe he went there before to withdraw.

   Also, recently, his childhood issues have really come to the surface- with his mother.
   2 of his step fathers have now died leaving only his natural father alive. He hasn’t seen him in 30 years. My h is 36.

   Thing is, the place he is at now is en route to his natural father’s place….

   I have no idea what he has been up while away.

   My question is: at one point during mlc does a mlcer really look uopn their childhood issues and begin to face them?

   Thank you.
   King regards, Booboo x

   1. Hello Booboo! 🙂
      Good to see you again! I’m doing well, thank you for your comment. I certainly hope this answering comment finds you also doing well. 🙂 It’s quite all right where you posted your comment-I don’t have a particular “set spot” for people to post their questions, and I do see every comment that comes in from my backend. I try not to miss anyone who has questions for me, and I don’t see any reason to restrict where people write their comments in the first place. 🙂

      This was your question:
      My question is: at one point during mlc does a mlcer really look uopn their childhood issues and begin to face them?

      As a matter of fact, yes, most of them do, and most of them actually do resolve these childhood issues as they progress through the mid-life crisis. This is really what the bulk of this time of change, growth and becoming is all about. If none of them ever resolved themselves at all, you would not have various people who were “marked” as having come completely through this transitional period, nor would you have people who show full emotional maturity, as this time is also designed to finish what was started at the time of puberty.

      It brings into balance an emotional imbalance that exists long before the crisis came about. As far as HOW they do it, I really can’t answer this-that’s up to the person going through-between themselves and God who works with them during this time.

      Also on a side note, here: The life’s lessons that must be learned for BOTH people are exactly the SAME–the journey to wholeness and healing for both people is also the same-the only difference is timing, and the severity of issues that need facing within each person.

      Had I not come through my own Transitional period completely, I would not be where I am today, Booboo. I spent either 6 1/2, or 7 years in Transition, emerged when I was 42 (I’m now 47). God in His mercy, guided me through, helped me to face my various childhood issues. I always said that I had as many issues as your typical mid-life spouse-the only difference was I didn’t employ any of the avoidance behaviors designed to prevent me from facing and confronting myself.
      I’m certain I have this written down somewhere in a backup, and I might put that out sometime.

      It wouldn’t be very interesting reading, I don’t think, because other than staying very angry at my husband most of the time, I had no real drama occur on my part-but this would have been because I didn’t take the detours. I let the Lord lead me-and sometimes I gave Him a LOT of trouble, LOL, but you know, He needed me to come through, so I could be here in this place today, if that makes sense.

      He has always put me and other people where we needed to be, when we needed to be there, and His Time is, of course, not like ours. He blessed me beyond measure, beyond anything that I have ever expected, and regardless of whatever trials I have faced in the past, or will face in the future, He never forgot me. Knowing this, I let people know, God never forgets anyone deep within a life’s trial-He will bless them abundantly, all along the way. If not for Him, I would not be. 🙂 🙂 🙂

      However, I did not know what was coming in my own future at the time of my own Transitional Period-I only knew at that time, that I was in a lot of pain, heartache, sorrow, and I didn’t want to be in the deep emotional valley the Lord was leading me through for all that time. I didn’t want to scale the high mountains-in fact I didn’t want to do anything, but be left alone. Yet, God, nudged me gently, insistently, and guided me–He was never “mean” to me, but He was insistent at my most receptive, if that makes sense…and this is how God works with stubborn mid-life spouses.

      The point being, there came a time when I couldn’t run from myself anymore, and I settled in to get all this necessary resolving done, so I could come out, and finally have peace within myself. This might help you to understand the motivation, but the emotional pain of continuing as I was, had to become so severe that I began to understand the answers were truly within ME. In order to continue forward, I was actually “forced” to begin facing my own issues, and it wasn’t easy to learn how to resolve these, but because I became receptive to the Lord’s help, He provided me with pieces of advice that were a “help” to me as an individual-so I would begin to understand what I needed to do in order to move forward toward the light that really was at the end of this tunnel of my trial.
      This was my own experience-no two people are alike, but the main motivator for choosing to face oneself, is the rending pain that doesn’t decrease-it increases over time, and in degrees–leaving the person going through this torment, two choices:

      (1) Go on, endure through this pain, and face the actual root issue(s), and come on through or
      (2) Keep running away, and keep letting this torment you continuously–the more you run, the worse it gets–and the time shortens between these periods of deep torment. Pain can be a great motivator to bring forth change.

      Food for thought.

      However, as I have said above, the mid-life spouse must begin working through their past damage/childhood issues, or these will continue to return and torment them until they learn to confront themselves.
      There are some that spend their lives running from themselves, when no one can ever truly get away from two aspects in this life: themselves, and God, who created them. Sometimes their childhood damage will catch up with them at a time when they’re most receptive, and God do His own brand of work that assists them in this facing of themselves, too.

      Some things are faced in a group, some are faced, one at a time-but they can be faced, and the mid-life spouse must face most of these, in order to continue forward for themselves. We may not understand a lot of what they do and say, but in time, it becomes more important that God understands what they are doing and saying during this time. We may not know everything they are facing, and as well as we do know them, we may not know every last bit of suffering they went through as children.

      However, if all we can do is pray-sometimes that’s ALL we can do. 🙂

      ((hugs)) I hope all this helps, Sweetheart. 🙂

      Much love,
      HB

      P.S. If you would rather that I moved this to a page of your own, please do let me know, and I will move it. I was pulling different comments because of length-yours wasn’t that long of an answer, but still, it occurred to me that you might like to have that–and if so, again, let me know, and I’ll move everything. 🙂 ((hugs))

      1. Hi, Hearts blessing!
         Thank you for your prompt response. I get and undertsand everything you said. I had a life transition myself at the tender age of 25, so I know where you are coming from.

         Before I go any further with my assumptions, I thought I’d let you know that my BD was 19 months ago but mlcer started replay behviour about 4 years ago….I just didn’t support it and got in the way.

         Anyway, I after a whole load of reading last night and most particularly about the stages, am I right in assuming that it is during the start of the depression/withdraw stage that the mcer starts facing his foo issues head on?
         He really is going that way and has appeared more depressed, stressed, irritated and ill than ever before during his crisis…

         Any thoughts, thank you.
         Booboo xx

         PS: The q&a are fine where they are, thank you xx

         1. Hello Booboo! 🙂

            What you endured at the age of 25, was known as a “quarter-life” transition. This is a time where some people can finish themselves-and these types of navigators seem to gain the most wisdom at this young age. I honestly believe it’s because they chose to go ahead and learn life’s lessons at that time, and God never forgets the ones who learn these lessons early in life. My son is now 27, and I continue to see in him huge increases in his wisdom. I find myself asking him a lot of questions about some of the deeper aspects I have yet to learn, and his answers are quite interesting. Sometimes I forget whom I’m talking to, and the fact that he’s 20 years younger than I am, but that really doesn’t matter to me. I will learn from whomsoever God chooses to send me, regardless of how old they are. 🙂 It’s helpful to him that he continues to follow the Lord, and his Intuition is quite strong-much stronger than mine at times.

            Before I go any further with my assumptions, I thought I’d let you know that my BD was 19 months ago but mlcer started replay behviour about 4 years ago….I just didn’t support it and got in the way.

            Then you know what I speak of when I say that when we get in the way, we actually hinder the mid-life spouse’s journey, because their crisis will continue, regardless of what we do/don’t do. I would venture to guess that you tried to block him, and he only got worse. Don’t beat yourself up, if that’s the case, because we’re human, too, and we often do things out of ignorance before we learn a better way.

            Anyway, I after a whole load of reading last night and most particularly about the stages, am I right in assuming that it is during the start of the depression/withdraw stage that the mcer starts facing his foo issues head on?
            He really is going that way and has appeared more depressed, stressed, irritated and ill than ever before during his crisis…

            He begins facing his FOO issues head-on starting in Depression…shades of these begin showing as the mid-life spouse begins the process of “crossing over” into Depression. Sometimes, because they perceive they’re going downhill, and this would be true, because Replay is the “highest point” of the crisis, whilst Depression is the “lowest point”, and crossing over is really tough, because they have a tendency to want to fight this aspect.

            It IS a gradual slide, and this crossover doesn’t complete in a fast way–it’s akin to an adjustment of some kind–going from “fast” to “slow”…and I have seen some mid-life spouses fight this to the death, because to them, it doesn’t “feel” right, and it doesn’t “feel” good, so, it wouldn’t be unusual to possibly see a several “false starts” before they are finally “slid” into the stage of Depression.

            What this is, is the Replay aspects are sliding off of them, because Replay has no real place within this next stage–and it’s going take everything he’s got to navigate through Depression. This triggers fear of what’s to come, but this fear has to be overcome by them, in order to complete this crossover.

            Once the crossover is complete, his already-existing depression, which has always been present all this time, will deepen into a darker outlook. His mood swings should increase, his irritation should also increase, and this will try your patience to the max. You may also see him show physical symptoms that look just like Menopause, complete with hot flashes, and the first time it happens, you might think he was running a heavy fever or something–until he became very cold within a few minutes. We recognize this aspect in women all of the time, but we don’t always recognize this in men.

            Their testosterone levels drop, just like estrogen levels in women will drop, and that’s what will cause hot flashes-as he should suffer through a hormonal imbalance, if you’ve not seen these signs in him, already.

            Also pay attention, because you have some who will spew about how the world would be a better place without them-this comes as their various failures, real and perceived begin to haunt them during this time…it’s a veiled threat of considering suicide, but not all mid-life spouses succumb to this aspect–you figure as long as he’s talking, he’ll most likely be all right, but if he becomes silent, keep an eye on him, because silence isn’t good. You want him spewing about something-because putting it on the table puts things in a whole different light, than keeping them bottled up, and allowing their already skewed perception to cause small things to become bigger things–minds have a way of “blowing” things right out of proportion.

            If he begins telling you he’s a failure, let him talk this out for himself, validate his feelings, recognize where he is, while you encourage him the best you can–even if he rejects your encouragement, he is still listening to what you have to say. Of course it goes without saying you can’t fix him in the first place, but I encourage you to simply be there for him, listen to him, and lift him up–not only to his face, but also pray for him.

            He also should start complaining a lot about aches and pains, his sleep patterns will become even more disturbed than before, and you’ll see him asleep more than you’ll see him awake, because deepening depression will actually have that effect on him. They’re constantly exhausted, and they can become afraid of the dark, leave lights on, television playing in the bedroom if you have one in there.

            Depending on his issues, you should begin to see and hear the speech patterns of children, teenagers-and of course, don’t let it worry you if he doesn’t seem to recognize you all of the time-it’s not personal, it’s his trip through his past, and I pray that he does what he’s called upon to do, and that’s to begin facing, resolving and settling his issues within himself.

            The increased aging you’ve seen before will also increase even more, as he begins to get a “preview” of what it will be like to become old-and this would also be the basis of the aches and pains mentioned above. Getting old actually HURTS-and I’m unsure why this kind of “preview” is necessary, but I went through this, too. It was a very weird experience during that time.

            I’m trying to think of what else you may see during that time–I do know that hitting rock bottom won’t come about for a time after he enters Depression…however, depending on how he does, he’ll come to that aspect about halfway across this stage.

            I will keep you two in my prayers, right along with everyone else. I do spend a lot of time praying for people, because this is never easy to navigate, even on good days.

            I hope this helps. 🙂

            ((hugs))

            1. Hi, HB

               It helps a lot, everything you have commented on.

               I think he is much further into this than I envisaged. All the signs you have described, I can tick, tick, tick, all of them! The talks of death, anger, spewing about his FOO, about his work, his friends, snapping at everyone. The children of his mlc, everything. It is all there. The aches and pains are getting worse, he limps and wobbles, complains about the alternative medicine he chose to heal his aches…At the same time, he has been extremely generous and helpful to me lately. I see his shame and guilt when he sees I struggle financially etc… He spoke to me about how he could see that death would be the ultimum feeling of peace within. I was shocked and he could see I was and he said:”Don’t worry though, I won’t top myself!!!”

               I have praised his good deeds and leave him alone, I leave all the contact initiation to him. He has been very quiet lately, absent even. Not seen him in two weeks and that is odd, none of us have.
               He did drop me an email on thursday to reassure me that he was going to fix my boiler. I thanked and asked no question as to when it would happen.

               Everyone in his life is being more and more demanding of him, he cannot cope with it. The only person who doesn’t demand anything is me.

               Let’s hope he sees!

               I also think he has had an awakening. A man paid me some interest and he panicked, hence him being generous and kind to me now.

               Thank you so much for giving me honest and to the point answers to my question. I was begining to despair with the cliche:”Wait and see” or ” stop stage watching”. Sometimes, we just feel these things in our bones. I always trust my instinct and inner voice and it is hardly ever wrong. Thank you for confirming what I was already suspecting was happening.
               You have no idea what this means to me, to be taken seriously!

               Thank you, God bless!

               ps: I have no doubt I’ll be back to consult you. YOu are a breath of fresh air in this awful mess!

               Booboo xx

            2. Hello Booboo! 🙂

               First of all, you are doing very well. Keep doing what you’re doing. 🙂 I’m glad that my answer has helped you. When moving into new territory, it does help to get some guidance in that area. To be honest, there are no real helpful resources on the latter half of the mid-life crisis stages at this point in time. As far as the first half of the crisis, one has to be discerning, because a lot of the information is actually incorrect, or truth is mixed with lies/falsehood. As each person is different, each situation is different-what one will do, another won’t. I do look at each individual circumstance as I’m dispensing guidance directly to someone who is seeking for further information.

               I will not lie to you-God doesn’t use people who lie. He is a God of Truth, and I follow that precept to the letter. If I ever lie to anyone, God help me, because the consequences for lying to people, and/or giving “false” hope to people would be disastrous for me. He has increased me over time, because I will tell nothing but the truth. People might say I’m “wrong”, but that’s their perception…and I know to ignore a lot of things that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

               You know, as much Insight as I have, I don’t see everything, and I have never said I saw everything–I only see what’s relevant to a situation. Sometimes the Lord will give me a little more information so I can be more helpful in my advice, but not always. I don’t mind details, because the detail helps me to figure out what’s going on. What I get on you is you’re doing well. I already knew your Intuition was strong, and most importantly, God is with you–and He is the best help you can have during any time of trial. 🙂 🙂 🙂 There are people who criticize one’s Intuition, because it involves what we can’t see. Always pray for these people because they have no idea what they’re missing out on, when they don’t choose to learn to receive and develop this necessary gift.

               Those of us who have it, know to trust our Intuition, because God isn’t going to steer us in a wrong way. I’ve spent so many years following my Intuition to the letter. I’m STILL following His direction, because God has this entire picture, and I don’t. I know to trust Him when I can’t even trust myself at times. 🙂 Though He and I walked some very hard roads at times, things always came out all right, all because I followed the Word of the Lord, and stood against those who thought to bring me down. But it has not happened yet, and I sincerely believe that as long as I keep Him first in my life, and keep following His lead, I won’t be brought down, I will be lifted up. 🙂

               Everyone in his life is being more and more demanding of him, he cannot cope with it. The only person who doesn’t demand anything is me. Let’s hope he sees!

               When you don’t think he sees anything, he sees everything, and when you think he sees everything, he sees nothing. The statement you make is a basic truth I have done my best to get across to people over time. Because this emotional trial takes so much of a toll on their health in so many ways, they are simply unable to cope with people demanding anything of him. You’re recognizing this, whereas I have had many people who didn’t listen, pressured their mid-life spouses, and watched them run that much farther away…and some never returned at all.

               Time and space is designed to help them figure themselves out, and to help them heal for themselves. People who don’t understand, or don’t want to understand disregard this, because it’s not happening to them. Patience, love and understanding go a long way toward helping the mid-life spouse move forward on their own. God has these aspects, and He lets us go, gives us time to make choices for ourselves, and as human beings who are continually growing, we should learn to do the same for other people, including our mid-life spouse.

               I also think he has had an awakening. A man paid me some interest and he panicked, hence him being generous and kind to me now.

               I believe it was a combination of things that triggered his awakening. This man who paid you some interest must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it triggered a real fear within your husband, because he doesn’t really want to lose you. However, this aspect could have back-fired, because some mid-life spouses could use that as an excuse to completely abandon the left-behind, because of the mistaken assumption they’d been “replaced”…and for what it’s worth, this assumption is the same on the left-behind spouse’s side of things when a mid-life spouse gets involved in an affair…so, you see the similarity in reactions on both sides.
               Mid-life spouses can be very territorial, jealous and possessive at times. These are immature emotional traits that should be outgrown in time.

               I’m not saying the man who paid you some interest did it because you wanted him to, nor am I saying you did this on purpose, as I don’t think you did. However, at the same time, I always tell people to be careful in these types of situations. As well as you think you know the mid-life spouse, there are situations such as this that can go down roads you didn’t intend for them to go down…and could result in a total breakdown of what’s left of the marriage.

               The above things are being written for those that will most certainly be coming in to read behind you at a later time, Booboo. Also, I don’t advise people to date others while still married. It’s never a good thing to try and use someone else to make the mid-life spouse jealous…those things can backfire in a hurry, and it could cost the left-behind spouse their marriage.

               Thank you so much for giving me honest and to the point answers to my question. I was begining to despair with the cliche:”Wait and see” or ” stop stage watching”.

               You know why you’re being told that, don’t you? Because whomsoever you spoke to, didn’t KNOW the answer, so it’s easier to tell you those things than to admit they don’t know. Stuff like that was going on before I stopped posting over two years ago. I would always answer questions honestly, and then on the back end I was asked what difference it made what stage they were in-to which I responded that it made all the difference. Different actions from the left-behind spouse are called for during different times of the crisis–what would work at the first isn’t always what’s going to work later on.

               So, to me as a mentor, an advisor within all aspects of the mid-life crisis, it makes all the difference….you’re advised to detach during the first half-and this is so you can regain your lost strength, begin to walk your personal journey, and so the mid-life spouse can have the emotional room they need to begin their own growth, and they can’t do it, if you’re constantly smothering them–and maybe I need to write an article on these things–but during the second half, it involves the slow forging of a new connection, and since the left-behind spouse’s emotional tightrope begins to appear during that last quarter of Replay, just after the mid-life spouse’s awakening begins, and this remains in place for the rest of the crisis, you begin learning to attach and detach at a moment’s notice…as different interactions require different ways to interact.

               I’ll tell you something else while I’m thinking about it–those that say there is a danger in following the stages in a straightforward way are incorrect. The reason I say this, is because I have not seen a mid-life crisis that navigated the stages in an out of order way. One thing has to happen, in order for the next thing to fall into place. The signs were always clear of where they were, and where they were going. Though the mid-life spouse will cycle back and forth between various aspects, and some stages will run together at times for some people, the truth is they will follow a clear enough path through the crisis that can be easily seen by people who have already been this way before.

               The Lord gave me the six stages of a mid-life crisis years ago. I have learned a lot more since then, but the one truth that has never changed, is that these stages DO run in a straightforward order-and people that say these don’t know what they’re talking about, because they don’t see things in the same way the Lord has given me to see them. The Lord created this time of life, therefore, He always knows how this is supposed to resolve, and in what order it’s supposed to be resolved in.

               I think I will write an article on this aspect, because He began giving me more information in this aspect, Booboo..if I keep going, you’ll get the whole article in your reply, LOL! 🙂

               Sometimes, we just feel these things in our bones. I always trust my instinct and inner voice and it is hardly ever wrong. Thank you for confirming what I was already suspecting was happening.
               You have no idea what this means to me, to be taken seriously!

               Yes, we do, and you should always trust your instinct and inner voice, as God isn’t speaking just to be hear Himself speak. You’re very welcome, and yes, I DO know what this means to you. 🙂

               I hope this helps. 🙂

               ((hugs))

2. Hi, HB

   Thank you for giving me the answers I was seeking.
   Everything you have mentioned, I have seen but mostly, heard from a third party, his mum.
   He confides in her and he knows she tells me.

   When he monsters or spews, it’s either to her or at her. Not me.
   He has been very respectful to me, kind and friendly. We have began to spend a little time as a family, on sundays. He is still a bit awkward about it but better. I am fine with it.

   My question(s) today is: Why not monster at me or spew at me/ to me? His mother is the only immediate family he has aside from us and I know he blames her for having had a tumultuous childhood and she seems to be his sounding board. I don’t really understand where that leaves me…or maybe I have it all to come?

   Thank you for your time.
   Booboo xx

   1. Hello Booboo! 🙂
      When he monsters or spews, it’s either to her or at her. Not me.
      He has been very respectful to me, kind and friendly. We have began to spend a little time as a family, on sundays. He is still a bit awkward about it but better. I am fine with it.

      He apparently has some issues with his mother–hence his spewing at her. His mom would not be considered his ‘sounding board’. She has quite a few things to answer for, and a “sounding board” is someone who listens, makes suggestions, asks “thinking questions” and allows the person talking to them to “bounce” various things off of them, so that person can think through, and come into their own answers.

      Since she had an active part in his tumultuous childhood, apparently he is calling upon her to help him sort through his past issues in this way. A mid-life spouse can do this–they can return back to their parents to relive a time of life that wasn’t “lived correctly.” As he continues to work through these, you should observe him beginning to make a very much needed emotional break he should have made years ago, but didn’t because he could never let go of his mom when he was a young man.

      What came to me was that he knows what you will and won’t put up with out of him, and so, he acts accordingly. He’s respectful, kind and friendly to you, because if he’s not, you’ll call him on it in a heartbeat and draw a hard and fast line/limit on any bad behavior you see from him–am I right? He knows you just as well as you know him. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. You seem to have your boundaries firmly in place, and he knows just how far he can go before you will draw the line on him, and he chooses to honor your boundaries, rather than cross them. Now that might change as time goes on, but if he starts trying to cross, you hold firm on him.

      My question(s) today is: Why not monster at me or spew at me/ to me? His mother is the only immediate family he has aside from us and I know he blames her for having had a tumultuous childhood and she seems to be his sounding board. I don’t really understand where that leaves me…or maybe I have it all to come?

      I think part of the answer was given in the last paragraph I wrote. You’re handling things well, your boundaries are firm, and somewhere within himself, he doesn’t want to lose you. You also don’t take anything personally-or don’t seem to be. You’re taking things in stride, and he perceives that you aren’t a part of the problem, because you’re not “involving” yourself, nor are you trying to “fix” him—you know you didn’t break him in the first place. You’re letting him go to have his space to figure himself out. You’re also not pressuring him in any way, you’re just letting things be as they are, accepting things as they are, with the clear knowing things will be all right.

      Now, that doesn’t mean he might not try to spew at you at a later time–time will tell on this aspect. Each person is different in how they handle their transitional period/mid-life crisis, and not all of them spew in a confused way toward their spouses. Like I said, I would venture to say most of it is in the way you are handling the situation. Most of the time a mid-life spouse will spew in a confused and angry way because their spouse is feeding their justifications, trying to control and manipulate the situation, pushing the mid-life spouse to return to what they were, etc., but you’re not even doing that–it must also have something to do with the fact you’ve already been down this road for yourself long before, and had learned what you were set to learn when you went through your own transitional period. However, it doesn’t mean he won’t do it, it just means he may not do it–every person is different in how they handle this developmental process within themselves.

      Also, he seems to be different in how he’s deciding to relate to you. While I’m speculating, it occurs to me that your husband knows this is not about you in the first place-therefore you’re being “spared” from the normal angry, confused spewing normally poured out upon the left-behind spouse. It’s also possible that he could be spewing at his friend in your place–but again, you’re staying detached, distanced, and just being there if/when he needs you. Time will tell how things will go in the future.

      I hope this helps.

      ((hugs))

3. Hi, Hb

   Thank you for you answers once again.
   My situation has taken a funny turn. I found out some very incriminating gossip about my mlcer last week. He was puttiing himself at risk wuth the law as well as myself and my children (he still uses our address for his car) so I had to confront him about it, calmly. He was calm too. I had to tell him thatbif he didn’t do something, the kids have announced that they would cut him loose. He then agreed to stop his activities and that he would come over here today to speak to the kids at lunchtime, lunchtime came and s16 got a text from him saying yhat he couldn’t make lunch as he will be working away all week and needed to do his washing but that he would pop in later to drop off theur Easter eggs. He never showed up. It’s 9pm here now so I think we can write this one off.
   I don’t understand why he would do this, because s16 never replied to his text maybe?
   I am terribly upset by this, aching for our kids.

   What am I dealing with here, Hb?
   I really do not understand 🙁

   Thank you,
   BOOBOO xx

   1. Hello Booboo,
      
      What am I dealing with here, Hb?

      The same thing you’ve been dealing with all along–a mid-life spouse within a major mid-life crisis who is rebelling against being held accountable at this point. He still has a lot of growing up to do.

      In his eyes, it’s bad enough you confronted him–even worse for him to face his children, and deal with possible rejection from them. Mid-life spouses don’t deal well with real or perceived rejection regardless of what THEY may have done to “deserve” being written off. Rather than face this, he ran away again, and I have no idea when you might hear from him again, Booboo.

      When you were speaking for the children, you were interfering between them and their dad–if your children are planning on cutting him loose, then THEY need to tell him directly, not go through you–just saying. It’s apparent that your kids are old enough to decide about having or not having a relationship with their dad…and that should lie between him and them–and they need to work it out between themselves–again, just saying. Your letting him know that his actions were going to get him in serious trouble, and then the added threat of his children rejecting him, was too much for him to take, and so, he’s run away for the time being.

      If he were going to show up, he would have shown up–but no, first he texted an excuse, then didn’t show up–it was also a bid to control and manipulate a situation that he has NO real control over in the first place…however, though I know he’s hurt his children, he’s hurt himself even worse, because he stands a great chance of losing his relationship with them, but that is not on his list of priorities at this time.

      He has to process what he’s been told by you, and decide for himself what he will or won’t do.

      Nothing you can do, but wait this out, and see where it goes. You can make every “step” correctly, and it’s still possible for the mid-life spouse to take the smallest thing said, internalize it, and after getting angry, whether in front of your face, or behind your back, blow said thing up into something a whole lot bigger than it really is.

      Children also do that, if you think about it, as they have a tendency to “internalize” and make someone else’s actions all about themselves—mid-life spouses do this, too…and of course, there isn’t one thing you can do, except go on with your life, leave them in the hands of God, and wait, without waiting, to see what the mid-life spouse might do next.

      I hope this helps.

      ((hugs))

      1. Hi, Hb, thank you for replying so quickly and with such clarity, thank you. I had an incling of what your insights on my sitch would be. I wish I could give more detail on the gravity of the situation but my hands are tied. I played messenger of bad newx to my mlcer, I knew what the consequences might be but I went ahead anyway as I felt I had to protect my family, as opposed to protect him. I didn’t feel I had a choice, keeping quiet would have had dire consequences for me and the kids, so in my defense, I didn’t play messenger of bad newd because I thought he derseved it but because I thought we, the kids and I, did not deserve what was happening.

         He really has made a mess of everything, for his mother as well.

         I understood that the no show yesterday was about control or loss of it rather.
         After this talk we had, he became a little clingy for the following 2 days, I really didn’t get the feeling that he was mad at me at all, in fact I’d say he was grateful.

         He is hurt by the rejection, I know and I don’t like it but I didn’t engineer any of this.

         I will be backing off again, as I was before, get on with my life and if reaches out to me I shall be there.
         Had not heard the gossip and had he not acted irresponsibly in the presence if the kids on numerous occasions, none of this would have happened, the lioness in me protecting her cubs wouldn’t have showed up but things happen, life happens and I have faith that this was what was meant to happen.
         I was not harsh him, I was kind and understanding, I just hope he ‘felt it’, I believe he did.

         Incidently, his mum has rang him to make sure he was ok, she said he sounded defeated and down.
         At home and alone since saturday and going away to work for the rest of the week.
         Probably the best thing considering.

         I now understand what is happening and I must tell you that your latest article on detachment truly helped, I believe a zest of it is in the mix of my sitch, too.
         Because of your articles, I remain calm and collected and I understand so much more, thank you for sharing, HB.
         I do not have a question today as I think the only question remaining now is ‘will he or won’t he follow the light?’.
         Thank you for your support, also.

         Booboo xx

         1. Hi Booboo! 🙂
            
            I do not have a question today as I think the only question remaining now is ‘will he or won’t he follow the light?’.

            Only God knows the answer to that question, because all I know is that many things will have to come to pass before he makes this decision between following the light, or staying in the darkness, Booboo.

            All any one person can do is leave the mid-life spouse in His Hands, and pray for God to work within their hearts.

            I hope this helps.

            ((hugs))

   2. Hi, HB,
      I’m replying here as I can’t find a reply button to your last post…so my thread of posts is a bit of a jumble here, never mind, sums up my life at the moment lol
      Thank you very much for finding the time to reply to me so quickly. I think MIL was more impatient to hear from you than I was 🙂 Thank you for confirming that doing nothing is the way to go.
      I didn’t think that bringing the DNA issue to the table was a good idea seeing as mlcer already has so much to deal with and seeing as, really, the DNA issue is for his father and him to broach and sort out if they feel that way inclined.

      When I say that it affects us…you are right, it doesn’t affect us directly, however, the kids are impatient to find out whether their family is going to extend or not. We have no family except for MIL. The kids have no aunties, no uncles, no cousins etc….but after all this, they might.
      We shall see, and they will always have me so nothing will change drastically.
      That is my only concern, as a mother….not as a LBS.

      It would appear that my mlcer is very confused about what is happening with his buddy and his wife. He apparently, tried to fix it for them, as his buddy asked him to speak to his wife.
      All mlcer had to say about it upon phoning MIL for teh first time in weeks was:
      ”He seems more devastated than she is” and sounded confused about it…..Then he announced he was going fishing for the evening. Something he hasn’t done in over 2 years now and I know that he only goes fishing to find solitude and calm. So yes, it looks like mlcer is processing stuff indeed. He’s also had 3 days off work this work. He only ever does this when he is really upset. Nothing else ever stop him from working, he is a workaholic.

      Thank you for reminding me that I amy indeed be speaking with the children in him. I find it hard to discern as I never knew him as a child, but now that you mention it, I can see it!

      Last time I saw him, we were together fr a good couple of hours and I asked one question only and that was to gauge if I would see him again; I asked: ”Do you still want me to go ahead with that order you were talking about?” He stood up from crouching, glared at me, pointed his finger at me and said:”Not yet!”
      It sent a chill down my spine and I took it as :”Back off for now!” So I did. I backed off and still backing off. Coping with it the best I can, with no other choice and I guess it is doing me some good, too.

      He is acting very strange, while having a talk with his buddy’s wife about their pending divorce, he pulled out a picture of himself as a child and said:”Those jeans I’m wearing there, guess whose they were? MY SISTER’S ! I had to have all her rejects!” S16 witnessed all of this.

      WOW! Where did that come from and what weird timing!!! Before this happened, mlcer lost his temper at the back of his van because he couldn’t find a particular working tool. S16 said things were flying in and out of the back of the van while mlcer kept on cursing, ranting and raving.
      S16 had to say:”Dad, please calm down” He was scared. Mlcer looked at him and said:”I’m sorry, son, I am sorry, I will be OK in a minute”
      It’s like watching someone going through an exorcism and letting the demons that dwell within come out.
      I am finding him scary, HB. His face is different, his eyes are different (even the colour is different), it was the same at BD and for a while after.
      It is not the first time he has scared s16 with his anger or d18 as it happens. It’s turning into rage now…but it seems easier to stop him in his tracks now. It seems he knows he has anger issues. Probably why he went fisihing and I am so glad he did. I always use to tell him how much I loved the sea and its movement, how appeasing it is to get so close to nature, how whole it can make us feel, how calming and inspiring etc…I live by the sea and the sea is the only thing that brings me to me. I hope he found this last night 🙂

      I had a few tears this morning for his buddy. My son was astonished by this. He said: Mum, why are you feelings sorry for him, he is bad and had it coming and are you forgetting that he helped dad run away from us all?”
      I said I am not forgetting anything, Son, I am forgiving by nature. And that pain he feels I don’t wish on anybody”. I surprised myself, too, because I have despised this man for so long but now that he is suffering, I feel bad for him. I can’t really explain how or why.

      I have spoken to MIL and given her some pointers : no questions, no pressure just let him come forth and accept whatever is said and done,, listen to understand not reply, no coaxing, no pushing, just be there. I think she gets it lol

      You’re not kidding when you say that this really is the time we learn to let-go, there is nothing I can do but to weather the storm. It would seem that there are a few things we could do to speed up the process and it is all so very tempting to do, but I understand it would just be interfering with a process that has its own time-frame and engineering. Trying really hard to hammer this down into the heads of the people around me. I’m surrounded by fixers lol

      I am delighted that more people are seeking you out, HB, but I realise you must be so busy!!! And there’s me coming along with more ramblings and sometimes answering my own questions lol

      So don’t worry about getting back to me quickly, as you said, I am coping OK. I see so many people coming to you as their pain is still so raw…I can wait. I’m not even sure my post warrants an answer lol

      Take care, HB.
      Much love and gratitude, Boo xx

      1. Hey Boo! 🙂
         This is odd–but not only did you not have a reply link to my last answer to you, but you no longer have a reply link to that same post you wrote for me to answer–and they’re both missing for ME, too, LOL!….I still have everything in the back end, (but that didn’t help you) and I didn’t do anything any different except to remove that last reply that I wrote…because I forgot to edit it before–maybe that’s the problem..and I will need to check another poster’s spot, because I removed a post of mine from theirs, and probably caused the SAME thing to happen….and I wonder if that had something to do with it? I don’t know…I know one thing, I will have to do something different within the next month, because we can’t have “reply” links going missing, etc.

         Software…it’s wonderful stuff, but crazy when it decides to have a mind of its own, eh?

         Later, Sweetie! 🙂

         ((hugs))

      2. Dear Boo,

         Hi, HB,
         I’m replying here as I can’t find a reply button to your last post…so my thread of posts is a bit of a jumble here, never mind, sums up my life at the moment lol
         Thank you very much for finding the time to reply to me so quickly. I think MIL was more impatient to hear from you than I was Thank you for confirming that doing nothing is the way to go.
         I didn’t think that bringing the DNA issue to the table was a good idea seeing as mlcer already has so much to deal with and seeing as, really, the DNA issue is for his father and him to broach and sort out if they feel that way inclined.

         **That’s exactly right. It is between him and his dad.

         When I say that it affects us…you are right, it doesn’t affect us directly, however, the kids are impatient to find out whether their family is going to extend or not. We have no family except for MIL. The kids have no aunties, no uncles, no cousins etc….but after all this, they might.
         We shall see, and they will always have me so nothing will change drastically.
         That is my only concern, as a mother….not as a LBS.

         
         **You find as time goes on, that your concerns do shift to back to a normal-type pattern–instead of constantly thinking like a left-behind spouse, you begin thinking more like the parent you were and have always been.
         You want your kids’ lives to be as stable as possible–or as stable they can possibly be, considering the current situation.

         It would appear that my mlcer is very confused about what is happening with his buddy and his wife. He apparently, tried to fix it for them, as his buddy asked him to speak to his wife.

         All mlcer had to say about it upon phoning MIL for teh first time in weeks was:
         ”He seems more devastated than she is” and sounded confused about it…..Then he announced he was going fishing for the evening. Something he hasn’t done in over 2 years now and I know that he only goes fishing to find solitude and calm. So yes, it looks like mlcer is processing stuff indeed. He’s also had 3 days off work this work. He only ever does this when he is really upset. Nothing else ever stop him from working, he is a workaholic.

         
         **From the place he’s in, he wouldn’t understand what was happening, because he’s not walking in that man’s shoes. Also, considering the fact he has NO empathy at all, for what this man is going through, he would be confused about his friend’s devastation.
         Mid-life spouses never make good friends, because they don’t know how to be a friend in the first place–that’s not a natural behavior, it’s a learned one….and one has to be friend, in order to gain a friend–and so, his friend’s problem gives him so little trouble, he’ll simply go fishing, do for himself, and leave his friend to spin around in his current emotional tailspin.
         Fine friend your husband is, eh? NOT!

         Thank you for reminding me that I amy indeed be speaking with the children in him. I find it hard to discern as I never knew him as a child, but now that you mention it, I can see it!

         
         **In identifying the “children” you don’t have to know them as children—all you have to know and remember is the behavioral patterns of children…you’re a mother, therefore you would recognize these.
         I have an easier time pointing out these “children” to left-behind spouses who are already mothers/fathers, and are familiar with these behavioral patterns.

         I have a much harder time with people who aren’t familiar with children, haven’t had any of their own, and I’ve been told I was “wrong” or “crazy” when I point out the clear childish behavior I recognize as being a “child” in residence.

         However, don’t feel badly about missing this aspect, because when I started seeing this aspect, it was our son that recognized it first, and brought it to my attention. I kept thinking the behaviors I was seeing looked very familiar, and duh, it was because they were similar to how our son had once acted when he was these same ages.

         In time, each stage/phase of childlike behavior was outgrown, as the issues within were faced, resolved and healed, reintegrating the child back into his psyche, as each child became “one” with him again.

         Last time I saw him, we were together fr a good couple of hours and I asked one question only and that was to gauge if I would see him again; I asked: ”Do you still want me to go ahead with that order you were talking about?” He stood up from crouching, glared at me, pointed his finger at me and said:”Not yet!”

         It sent a chill down my spine and I took it as :”Back off for now!” So I did. I backed off and still backing off. Coping with it the best I can, with no other choice and I guess it is doing me some good, too.

         **Detaching and distancing helps as you figure out how to adjust yourself to each aspect of personality that comes forth within the mid-life spouse. Considering they swing back and forth like a pendulum from one extreme to the other, you never really know what you’re going to be dealing with, so you learn to simply watch, pay attention, and wait for right times to interact–and if a time comes that things seem a little off, you go with the flow, back off, and stay low-key–just like you’ve been doing.
         You’re doing good.

         He is acting very strange, while having a talk with his buddy’s wife about their pending divorce, he pulled out a picture of himself as a child and said:”Those jeans I’m wearing there, guess whose they were? MY SISTER’S ! I had to have all her rejects!” S16 witnessed all of this.

         **It was yet another memory from the child, another piece of him pushing something else out into the open to be looked at. They’ll speak of things that won’t make any sense to you, but it would to them, because it happened to them…and this is often part of their angry, confused spewing that spills out of them until their anger is worked out in full.

         WOW! Where did that come from and what weird timing!!! Before this happened, mlcer lost his temper at the back of his van because he couldn’t find a particular working tool. S16 said things were flying in and out of the back of the van while mlcer kept on cursing, ranting and raving.
         S16 had to say:”Dad, please calm down” He was scared. Mlcer looked at him and said:”I’m sorry, son, I am sorry, I will be OK in a minute”

         
         **The emotional pressure was already there and building up–and the tool he couldn’t find was the catalyst that triggered him into deep anger….when that happened, it “broke down” another wall he had built against a painful memory, then he spilled it outward.

         I don’t doubt that having to wear his sister’s hand-me-down jeans was very humiliating to him–not so much the “hand me down”(Clothes that belong to someone else, and are given to another person)– part, but the fact they were his SISTER’S clothes–he felt as if his mom were emasculating him in some way-it deeply embarrassed him to wear “girls” clothes, and it hurt him…this is how he felt, but couldn’t express it at that time, so he carried it…that’s how “pieces” come into existence. Children don’t have the capability of resolving certain emotional problems/damage/hurt feelings that are beyond their understanding. At the time it happens, intuitively, they KNOW something is wrong, but can’t “fix” it, so they “shelve” it for a later time…

         However, they’re truly not aware of what they’re doing in this aspect—that’s why the whole chorus of children that start screaming for attention is so overwhelming to the MLC spouse–they really don’t know this is going to happen, and so it catches them off guard. Of course, to complement the “children” the pain they feel (associated with this aspect) is from the past–OLD pain…and OLD wounds, that have often built up, festered, weeping infection, and the “bandages” (defense mechanisms) once used to cope, will fail, because something different has to be done. However, before this is done, the wound must be ripped completely open again—and a process begun there that hopefully leads into eventual healing.

         It’s like watching someone going through an exorcism and letting the demons that dwell within come out.

         **In a very real sense, yes–it’s a very close analogy–although I couldn’t use this in my teachings, because it makes the mid-life spouse sound like they are evil,(of course we KNOW they are NOT evil at all, but hurting deeply) owing to how people inadvertently see people and behavior as a one whole aspect, instead of as two separated aspects–people and their behavior are NOT the sum total of each other, but people do have trouble with that.
         That’s why one has to often be careful with analogies, and how they’re used. The mid-life spouse would most certainly have to face those past emotional demons (issues) within, however, to purge/settle themselves within the aspect of the “children”, calls for an inner resolution that takes time, and must complete in full, before this kind of purging could complete. It is also possible to settle more than one child at a time, depending on how closely related their issues are.

         I am finding him scary, HB. His face is different, his eyes are different (even the colour is different), it was the same at BD and for a while after.
         It is not the first time he has scared s16 with his anger or d18 as it happens. It’s turning into rage now…but it seems easier to stop him in his tracks now. It seems he knows he has anger issues. Probably why he went fisihing and I am so glad he did. I always use to tell him how much I loved the sea and its movement, how appeasing it is to get so close to nature, how whole it can make us feel, how calming and inspiring etc…I live by the sea and the sea is the only thing that brings me to me. I hope he found this last night

         **Some of this is his past anger, that translated into rage at how he was treated, however, some of it, is also coming to grips/coming to terms with the dark side that exists within all of us–and he has to also try and get control of that.
         Many times when you have seriously angry children, their unresolved anger/more like rage, will often threaten to cross over into a darker side of them–and this battle is always something to behold, because we must experience ALL facets within our personalities, the good, the bad and the ugly, and learn to accept our capabilities, but also learn that we will always have choices to exercise.
         Behavior is not only a learned aspect, but behavior is also chosen–it’s not something that’s beyond our control…everything we do, we CHOOSE to do it, however we act, we have chosen to act that way–everything we say and do, has an ulterior motive, that lies within ourselves.
         Good and bad behavior is always driven by something in us to triggers us to do and say whatever we choose to do and say.
         People who say, “You made me do this,” are simply projecting themselves onto you, because they cannot, or refuse to, own their choices, nor take personal responsibility for the same. People who refuse to own what they do are a pretty sad lot, and mid-life spouses are right in there with them.
         —
         I had a few tears this morning for his buddy. My son was astonished by this. He said: Mum, why are you feelings sorry for him, he is bad and had it coming and are you forgetting that he helped dad run away from us all?”
         I said I am not forgetting anything, Son, I am forgiving by nature. And that pain he feels I don’t wish on anybody”. I surprised myself, too, because I have despised this man for so long but now that he is suffering, I feel bad for him. I can’t really explain how or why.

         **Having compassion for the enemy is not the same thing as giving quarter/comfort to them. God has compassion for sinners, but He doesn’t condone what they do, and nor does He give them quarter/comfort when they suffer harsh consequences for their wrong actions.
         That’s how you’re being–you are truly separating the behavior from the person–you still care about that man as a human being, although you despise what he’s done. It’s a hard lesson to learn, Boo, but you’re learning it and learning it well.

         I have spoken to MIL and given her some pointers : no questions, no pressure just let him come forth and accept whatever is said and done,, listen to understand not reply, no coaxing, no pushing, just be there. I think she gets it lol

         **That’s it, Boo–it’s good your mother in law has you there to help her…and I think it’s good of her to be willing to try and help him–there are not many parents that would do that—you have arrogant, immature parents who continually seek to justify, excuse, and avoid any wrong they may have done to their children that has led to this kind of emotional damage–and to have her being that willing says something good for this lady.

         You’re not kidding when you say that this really is the time we learn to let-go, there is nothing I can do but to weather the storm. It would seem that there are a few things we could do to speed up the process and it is all so very tempting to do, but I understand it would just be interfering with a process that has its own time-frame and engineering. Trying really hard to hammer this down into the heads of the people around me. I’m surrounded by fixers lol

         **Exactly–trying to “fix” won’t help, it will only prolong an already lengthy mid-life crisis, so it’s best to stand back, and watch him twist in the wind for himself. Only HE can figure this out…you and everyone else can’t–it’s not your crisis–it’s HIS.
         It’s a total world of opposites, because what once worked, no longer works, and what didn’t work before, would work now….and if you once held on, you’re supposed to let go…and I know that’s hard…been there, done that, too.

         I am delighted that more people are seeking you out, HB, but I realise you must be so busy!!! And there’s me coming along with more ramblings and sometimes answering my own questions lol

         **LOL, you are somewhat responsible for some of the increased traffic, and other people are responsible for MORE traffic-as more new people come in to also read from the search engines…it’s all good, because it’s all God in the first place.
         I know I’m not going to complain, because in the end–it’s what I’m here for, is to answer questions from my point of view, my place of healing, giving my thoughts for what they’re worth, sharing insight most people have never seen, and I’m still gaining knowledge as time continues to march forward.
         I just get concerned that I’m missing or skipping people–more on the comments blocks than in my emails…it’s all in the organization of both aspects–email being more organized than the comment block is.
         —
         So don’t worry about getting back to me quickly, as you said, I am coping OK. I see so many people coming to you as their pain is still so raw…I can wait. I’m not even sure my post warrants an answer lol
         Take care, HB.
         Much love and gratitude, Boo xx

         **Well, 10 days later, I finally get back to you…you’re doing well, and your post DID warrant an answer, because you raised some points that needed explaining.
         Take care, be your charming self, as always, and of course, keep me posted.
         ((hugs))

4. Hello HB, long time no talk I hope you are well. 🙂
   I am coming to you again today because my head is spinning with thoughts I cannot really add up or disassociate. I am finding it hard to make sense of it all. I think I know what is happening but I need clarity and I can’t seem to find it. I am not sure what moves I should make next.

   Ok, so it was about 1 month ago that I made the decision to confront my MLCer about his antics and the gossip that ensued from them and did tell him taht the kids wanted to cut him loose….
   So for 3 weeks after that, we did not see him. I didn’t anyway. The kids did, but briefly. His mother and I…Nope. Although we did exchange emails and when I called him about work, he answered. This was just a week in. A week went by and I get an email (about placing an order which could have waited) at 7 am in the morning. ODD. I reply later on, but no answer back. That was fine, I moved along.
   Next day: he rings his mother at 7:30 in the morning for chit chat about how he is not happy at work because he is on his own blah blha…all about him. The phone call went on for 20 minutes.
   The day after that…..I get a reply to my email at 5:50 in the morning! ODDER.
   Then nothing for another 10 days or so. Although eh did have the kids round to his flat and told them all about his mother being a lady of the night around him and his sister. I knew he had suspicions she was but now he is sure. Not sure how that came about, flashbacks or talking to his sister?
   Then last thursday he turns up at my shop (I am closing down) to make some last minute purchases. He was absolutely fine with me. Stayed a bit longer than he should have, had a cigarette with me (he never used to smoke- not since I met him and he was 19 when he stopped) and then he blurted out:

   ”All that gossip, everything that’s happened. It’s over now. Completely over. I’m not going back there. over’
   I said that I already knew it was as he had already told me. He then said”Yes, but I am telling you now, really over!”
   I said I was pleased about that. Then he asked me a lot of questions on what moves I would take next etc…He seemed interested.

   Anyway he left, all very good, I was pleased with how things went….

   Then on sunday….monster talk comes out of nowhere. Tells the kids that he hopes they realise that when they leave home he will be selling the house and give me half (yes, that is and always the plan about splitting the proceeds). He then went on about the kids having to pay him rent (!) because his outgoings are too much!!!! (Choices mlcer, choices!). Anyway, once the kids have moved out, how is him selling the house going to affect them in their new situation/life anyway…..’I took this as a threat to me. When you move out, your mum has to move out too!’
   He then tells our s16 that he should do what he wants to do in life, not to bother with education and that he should not let me control him with it! (first time he’s ever said anything negative about me to the kids).

   Then, oh yes, there is more….He tells them how if they have children he will not take care of them or ever look after tham. D18 said:” That means our kids won’t know you!” he says:”I guess not’ and shrugs.
   He then went on and on and was getting very aggressive with D18 about how he wants to die young so he doesn’t have to watch people around him die. D18 told him he was selfish and careless and that him dying would hurt her. He just shouted and said that he had the right idea about it and she was wrong ! He also made a big fuss about her wanting coffee with her dinner. He was outraged apparently….seriously….

   But the thing is, that very same day, his mother called him to tell him that his natural father had called! After 30 years and he is willing to meet him….So,a ll day Mlcer had this on his mind.

   I also think that he got nasty because of the ‘cutting him loose’ threat. Rejected before being rejected?
   Another thing, I haven’t invited him around for weeks, last time I did , he didn’t show up anyway.

   He broke many boundaries on Sunday. Drink driving, going over the speed limit (80 instead of 50), carrying weed with him and not being discrete about it, took them to his druggy’s friend house, brought them home late, underminded me as a parent etc…..

   Thus far I haven’t said anything, I don’t intend to. I don’t think it is worth it. D18 won’t be going out with him again, she’s announced. Let’s see if she goes ahead with that. I certainly won’t get involved this time around. s16 is being seduced by money and gifts from his father but does know what is happening, he just taking advantage of a bad situation and I do not approve. I have told him so and he took it well.

   Anyway, I was trying to understand what all this sudden monster(the worst he has ever been btw!) was about and where did that put him on his journey. I was reading some articles on Monster and most pointed to replay. This really had me exasperated with it all. BUt then, I went on to read about liminality again and read that they can either withdraw completely or take it all out on me, friends and family.
   Then I remembered what you told me also, that he would push boundaries and you advised me to stand firm with them…But somehow I feel I have to keep quiet and distant, that me responding to all his drama is what he is fater, for me to go on and end everything?

   I really am interested in your take on all this. As I said my mind is a bit of a mess and I have this voice going around in my head that keeps telling me to move on and another that says don’t go anywhere this is what is meant to happen, be patient.

   I am one confused bunny, HB! I am concerned that he’s made his mind up and that he resents us so much that he will never want to come backa family life…but then I remember how sweet he used to be and what a good honest man he was and I just don’t get it.

   Don’t get me wrong, I am not upset per se, I have not cried but I feel drained, in fact I had to go back to bed this morning, all I have done is nap and nap then sleep through the night as well. I do not feel depressed, just so so tired :/

   Time to put the focus back on me but I cannot do it until I know for sure that I am not getting this all wrong.

   Thank you for your time and kindness, HB, thank you for listening and being here for us all . I look forward to your take in this crazy stuff lol

   Much love.
   Booboo x

   1. Sorry, I forgot to add that for the past few weeks I have broken the cycle we were stuck in regarding contact and cake eating. Last time I did this by setting boundaries, the ‘selling the house’ threat came along too, the ‘we must both move on, it’d be best for you, I never want to see you again” I panicked and backed down 2 wees later and called him. Not this time, so I was wondering if his monster had to do with this, too.
      Him losing control and all he has now is ‘the house’. Mine and the children’s home.

   2. Hello HB, long time no talk I hope you are well. 🙂

      **I’m fine, BooBoo. Thank you for your generous donation. That was very much appreciated. May God return back to you a thousand fold and more for your generosity.

      I am coming to you again today because my head is spinning with thoughts I cannot really add up or disassociate. I am finding it hard to make sense of it all. I think I know what is happening but I need clarity and I can’t seem to find it. I am not sure what moves I should make next.

      Ok, so it was about 1 month ago that I made the decision to confront my MLCer about his antics and the gossip that ensued from them and did tell him taht the kids wanted to cut him loose….
      So for 3 weeks after that, we did not see him. I didn’t anyway. The kids did, but briefly. His mother and I…Nope. Although we did exchange emails and when I called him about work, he answered. This was just a week in. A week went by and I get an email (about placing an order which could have waited) at 7 am in the morning. ODD. I reply later on, but no answer back. That was fine, I moved along.
      Next day: he rings his mother at 7:30 in the morning for chit chat about how he is not happy at work because he is on his own blah blha…all about him. The phone call went on for 20 minutes.
      The day after that…..I get a reply to my email at 5:50 in the morning! ODDER.
      Then nothing for another 10 days or so. Although eh did have the kids round to his flat and told them all about his mother being a lady of the night around him and his sister. I knew he had suspicions she was but now he is sure. Not sure how that came about, flashbacks or talking to his sister?

      **Who knows? It could have been a combination of both, but apparently it’s one or more of the memories from the past he must settle and reconcile for himself. He has to process this for himself, and come to terms with it. His mother may be in for MORE angry spewing before it’s over with.

      Then last thursday he turns up at my shop (I am closing down) to make some last minute purchases. He was absolutely fine with me. Stayed a bit longer than he should have, had a cigarette with me (he never used to smoke- not since I met him and he was 19 when he stopped) and then he blurted out:

      ”All that gossip, everything that’s happened. It’s over now. Completely over. I’m not going back there. over’
      I said that I already knew it was as he had already told me. He then said”Yes, but I am telling you now, really over!”
      I said I was pleased about that. Then he asked me a lot of questions on what moves I would take next etc…He seemed interested.

      Anyway he left, all very good, I was pleased with how things went….

      **He wanted to make sure you knew he took “care” of it-that was his main purpose for being there.

      Then on sunday….monster talk comes out of nowhere.

      **What that was, was HUGE bout of arrogant, angry and confused spewing, on his part, Boo, triggered by your prior (right) actions against a situation that would have done damage to you and the children, if you hadn’t confronted him on it. In addition, what also happened, was he went into full-blown rebellion, because he had to stop what he was doing. In his own mind, this all BECAUSE OF YOU–never mind the fact that, again, you set a firm boundary designed for protecting not just yourself, but your children, too…when he processed this, whatever child was in control, didn’t like the fact that it had been told NO–and it eventually came out with a vengeance.

      And the angry spew landed–

      Tells the kids that he hopes they realise that when they leave home he will be selling the house and give me half (yes, that is and always the plan about splitting the proceeds). He then went on about the kids having to pay him rent (!) because his outgoings are too much!!!! (Choices mlcer, choices!). Anyway, once the kids have moved out, how is him selling the house going to affect them in their new situation/life anyway…..’I took this as a threat to me. When you move out, your mum has to move out too!’
      He then tells our s16 that he should do what he wants to do in life, not to bother with education and that he should not let me control him with it! (first time he’s ever said anything negative about me to the kids).

      **Looks to me like he was just plain out of control—was seeking to do what he perceived was “damage control” because you had taken the control AWAY from him, and he was reasserting himself as the one in control, the rooster in the henhouse, the lead dog of the pack…you get the picture, here.

      Then, oh yes, there is more….He tells them how if they have children he will not take care of them or ever look after tham. D18 said:” That means our kids won’t know you!” he says:”I guess not’ and shrugs.
      He then went on and on and was getting very aggressive with D18 about how he wants to die young so he doesn’t have to watch people around him die. D18 told him he was selfish and careless and that him dying would hurt her. He just shouted and said that he had the right idea about it and she was wrong ! He also made a big fuss about her wanting coffee with her dinner. He was outraged apparently….seriously….

      
      **Typical mid-life crisis spew/script said for shock value, and just because he could.

      But the thing is, that very same day, his mother called him to tell him that his natural father had called! After 30 years and he is willing to meet him….So,a ll day Mlcer had this on his mind.

      
      **I’m sorry for that, Boo. One more thing on his plate to resolve.

      I also think that he got nasty because of the ‘cutting him loose’ threat. Rejected before being rejected?
      Another thing, I haven’t invited him around for weeks, last time I did , he didn’t show up anyway.
      

      **Methinks he threw a huge tantrum. Simply put, he lost control of the whole situation, and spewed all over the place, and of course, he will process that too, in days to come. When the mid-life spouse loses control(real or perceived) of a given situation, they will spew about anything and everything to make known their displeasure–I hope it made him feel better, Boo.

      Hon, that was really all this was about–and his threats can’t be carried out without your agreement, right? He can’t do anything to you that you don’t agree to. He was testing the limits to see what you were going to do or say.
      He couldn’t come out and say he was mad about confrontation you had with him, because he KNOWS he was wrong about that–however, he could get mad about everything else, and make an attempt to throw you off guard by threatening you in other areas.

      If a mid-life spouse can’t get control in one area, they will always try another, and you learn to hold firm, regardless of whatever kind of threats they might throw at you.

      He knows you still love him, therefore, he said these things without fearing you were going to divorce him or something.
      I’d say you did just fine handling him–and your children did, too.

      He broke many boundaries on Sunday. Drink driving, going over the speed limit (80 instead of 50), carrying weed with him and not being discrete about it, took them to his druggy’s friend house, brought them home late, underminded me as a parent etc…..

      **You realize that some of these things aren’t in your realm of setting boundaries to begin with, right? Drunk driving and speeding aren’t aspects that are going to affect you unless you’re in the car with him. Also carrying weed is something else that will not directly affect you, unless he brings it in your house–discreet or not, I can tell you one thing, no husband of mine will bring stuff like that in my house, and if I catch it, it will end up in a huge fire, or flushed down the toilet…and that’s me.

      Who did he take to his druggy friend’s house, bring home late–the children? Don’t you have teenage children, Boo? Your daughter is 18, therefore an adult–your son is 16..however they need to learn the importance of setting boundaries with their dad, as part of that relationship that they would be learning to build.
      You can’t build it for them–they can only learn to build it for themselves.

      Thus far I haven’t said anything, I don’t intend to. I don’t think it is worth it. D18 won’t be going out with him again, she’s announced. Let’s see if she goes ahead with that. I certainly won’t get involved this time around. s16 is being seduced by money and gifts from his father but does know what is happening, he just taking advantage of a bad situation and I do not approve. I have told him so and he took it well.

      **Again, considering that one kid is grown, and the other one is nearly grown…there’s not a whole lot you can say, and even if you did, it wouldn’t make a whole lot of difference to your mid-life spouse.

      You can’t have your thumb on everything.

      Anyway, I was trying to understand what all this sudden monster(the worst he has ever been btw!) was about and where did that put him on his journey. I was reading some articles on Monster and most pointed to replay. This really had me exasperated with it all. BUt then, I went on to read about liminality again and read that they can either withdraw completely or take it all out on me, friends and family.
      

      **Let me make myself crystal clear—Liminality is NOT A STAGE AT ALL IN THE MID-LIFE CRISIS…LIMINALITY IS THE ACTUAL PROCESS OF THE MID-LIFE CRISIS.

      Liminality is defined as “threshold” and when a person goes into a liminal state, they are at the emotional threshold between the child they were, and the adult they should become-the process between these two or three “threshold” phases is the emotional crisis they must navigate through–and there are three liminal states–here’s the link about Liminality if you want to read some more about it. I will warn you, it’s hard to understand. I had to keep reading, because I don’t write like these educated people who are way beyond my own educational level. I prefer reading and communicating in plain English–it seems to work better when I understand the concepts I’m passing across to people in an attempt to help them understand.

      I spent some time researching on that aspect–and have quickly found that “Liminality” has already been “coined” and used to establish the fact that it describes (albeit in a different way), the whole of the crisis as it stands.

      I have a solid reputation for accuracy in what I write– and I give away a LOT of good, solid information on any given day. I answer a lot of questions, talk to a lot of people, because I really do care about them, how they are. I often harp on the journey to wholeness and healing, because I know the absolute value gained from taking that journey–I’ve been there.

      I’m something of a rarity, because I’ve walked down this entire road, and exited out successfully. Not just that, but I’m one of the very few who is out past this time, yet, I am still here, and I remember everything that happened during that time. Most people who finish, IF they finish, don’t return back to teach this time of life.

      I have come to know that I’m where I am, because of all of the TRUTH I tell, and I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. I can see where a lot of people do the best they can, but they don’t have a lot of understanding of the mid-life crisis. I do, and by the time I’m finished, I will have put the heart of it all out here, on the blog, in a couple or three books, but my work will finish before I leave again–and it will be some years down the road. I am a serious contender when it comes to knowing information about the mid-life crisis, and I intend to make sure people know the TRUTH, as I have come to know it.

      You cannot find my kind of written information on the internet-you never could. That’s what people are after–more in depth explanations. I didn’t plan on going that deep, but as I keep making connections, this current path has taken me places I’ve not seen before.

      I digressed–but to resume the discussion at hand—-

      This particular aspect (they can either withdraw completely or take it all out on me, friends and family) actually DOES occur during the very real stage of Withdrawal, as the mid-life spouse faces a decision that leads them into further processing-which requires introspection on their part. This is where the beginning stage of Withdrawal can take one of two paths–the mid-life person withdraws completely, becomes inactive, or becomes very active, such as what happens when people bury themselves in work to keep from thinking so much.

      Now taking it out on spouse, family, friends–is something that can happen at ANY time during the crisis–that’s not exclusive to any one particular stage/phase.

      Within the realm of spewing angrily in a confused way, this also can happen at ANY time during the mid-life crisis. Withdrawing completely can also happen at ANY time during the mid-life crisis. What the writer doesn’t seem to understand-and of course doesn’t explain is that there is a clear cycle of initial interaction(boundary set, confrontation carried out) that leads to a deeper processing inward, and because what is processed inward, always has a tendency to build internal pressure, this then leads to the outward releasing of pressure–and it usually comes in a heavy bout of anger, that leads to spew–and because what they will say won’t make sense, it’s always confused, all over the place, and doesn’t stay on one particular subject.

      Go and read the article I wrote about Constant Anger, Boo–that might help you to understand a lot more about how this particular emotional cycle works within the mid-life crisis. The anger has to come out in full, or it will continue coming out until it’s spent.

      Angry confused spewing is also not limited to just Replay—they can even spew angrily during Depression, and again, they are even subject to angrily spewing during Withdrawal. It’s all part of their struggle to outgrow various childish aspects that return to be faced during the mid-life crisis.

      Then I remembered what you told me also, that he would push boundaries and you advised me to stand firm with them…But somehow I feel I have to keep quiet and distant, that me responding to all his drama is what he is fater, for me to go on and end everything?
      

      **He did push the boundaries with you, Boo–standing quietly and saying nothing is also a way of enforcing your boundary–that’s what mid-life spouses do best–rebel, and push limits. He was trying to push you into doing what he is still too weak to do–tell him it’s over, file for a divorce, “let him go”….when you’ve already let him go, and he doesn’t want to move forward for himself. He wanted to get a reaction from you so he could feed his justification further, and you wouldn’t give him that, so he escalated his bad behaviors–he’s really trying to get you to do what he is obviously too weak to do–and that’s walk away.

      When you didn’t respond to one thing, he tried another, and kept trying until he ran out of something to make you mad–he really was after a reaction, and you didn’t give him one.

      You really did do fine in how you handled this bout–and he may come back and spew some more–don’t worry so much. It will all work out.

      I really am interested in your take on all this. As I said my mind is a bit of a mess and I have this voice going around in my head that keeps telling me to move on and another that says don’t go anywhere this is what is meant to happen, be patient.

      
      **Don’t go anywhere, Boo, this IS what’s meant to happen– all this trouble will be worth it one day–since you’re an experienced hand at handling puberty–look at what your husband is doing through the “eyes” of a woman who has seen rebellious teenagers act out, cause drama, and think on how you handled it. If it were going to affect you over a long period, you did something about it–but if it weren’t going to affect you, you stepped back because not everything spewed outward is worth answering in the first place…

      You handle the mid-life spouse in much this same way. We’re human, and I know this–and we know we’re not the mid-life spouse’s parents–however, we learn to strike an emotional balance between their attempts to influence us into chasing them away, and standing strong, like the Stanchion we were called upon to be.

      I am one confused bunny, HB! I am concerned that he’s made his mind up and that he resents us so much that he will never want to come backa family life…but then I remember how sweet he used to be and what a good honest man he was and I just don’t get it.

      **That’s the thing–you still remember the man he once was–and in time, he will return to this, only better than he was before. It all takes time for people to grow up, as the crisis calls upon them to do.
      Don’t think to think for him–you’re not him, you’re you. He is the only one who can decide for himself what he will and won’t do. As for you, all you can do is let go, and let God continue to work within this man, while you continue on your own journey forward.

      Don’t get me wrong, I am not upset per se, I have not cried but I feel drained, in fact I had to go back to bed this morning, all I have done is nap and nap then sleep through the night as well. I do not feel depressed, just so so tired :/

      **I didn’t think you were upset–worried maybe, but upset? Not you–you’re a very calm lady, Boo, when it comes down to it. Dealing with a mid-life spouse is extremely exhausting, now wonder you napped, and slept–exhaustion is common after dealing with heavy emotional overtones.

      Time to put the focus back on me but I cannot do it until I know for sure that I am not getting this all wrong.

      **You never took it off yourself to begin with, hon. What I see are a lot of questions, but at the same time, you’re handling things just fine, I promise you are. You can’t make him do what he doesn’t want to do, but you can make a solid stand, and make sure he knows that there is a limit to what you are going to put up with.

      Thank you for your time and kindness, HB, thank you for listening and being here for us all . I look forward to your take in this crazy stuff lol

      Much love.
      Booboo x
      Sorry, I forgot to add that for the past few weeks I have broken the cycle we were stuck in regarding contact and cake eating. Last time I did this by setting boundaries, the ‘selling the house’ threat came along too, the ‘we must both move on, it’d be best for you, I never want to see you again” I panicked and backed down 2 wees later and called him. Not this time, so I was wondering if his monster had to do with this, too.
      Him losing control and all he has now is ‘the house’. Mine and the children’s home.

      
      **First off, since your husband isn’t involved in an actual affair–he is NOT “cake-eating” in any way, shape, form or fashion–that’s another piece of misinformation floating around, and I have an article on that, too, detailing what cake eating actually IS, vs what it isn’t.
      Mid-life spouses have a tendency to keep “bidding” for control-using various aspects in an attempt to push the emotional buttons on the left-behind spouse–when one thing doesn’t work, they will try another and keep trying until either something works or they hit the bottom and realize that no matter what they do or say, it’s time to grow up–and this takes time, as there are many things they must come to realize and/or outgrow during this time.

      Keep holding your ground, because the only reason he threatened you was to try and get control of you, Boo.
      That is what all of this is about–and it’s not uncommon for various children to continue showing up during the Withdrawal phase of the Mid-Life Crisis—in fact, he’s processing quite a few things at the moment—though he shows some signs of Replay behaviors, even that is not unusual, but he seems to be trying to figure out some stuff, and it seems he’s trying to test your limits to see how far you will let him go, before you stop him cold.

      The bottom line of all this is the bid they all make for CONTROL of everybody and everything–never mind the fact that even IF the controller got everything they wanted, they wouldn’t be happy nor satisfied with it, and something else would come up. He’s unhappy, and trying to “fix” that unhappiness by targeting you instead of looking within himself.
      Try to take what he says with a grain of salt, stand your ground, and wait this out–what can he do to you in the first place? He might could kill you, but he can’t eat you, as the old saying goes.
      It looks like you’re doing just fine–keep me posted on how you are.
      ((hugs))
      Love,
      HB

      1. HI, Hb!
         Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. I guess I needed validation for my thoughts and eerie feelings. It is ever so hard not to let the imagination run wild during such an uncertain and confusing time! Although the future doesn’t worry me so much anymore and I just live in the present, when mlc comes barging in on my present….I don’t like it lol
         It really is about all about control. I do not seek to control anybody but myself. I am so, so happy that I, today, can control myself as well as I can and this I owe to your writings. They have comforted me and guided me right from the start.
         I have always followed your advice and your insights have been like gold dust to me in this very poor state of affairs.
         The only description of the stages of MLC I understand fully is yours. Hence I’m here now and you’re stuck with me hehehe
         You know how it is….when mlc hits home, confusion sets in for the LBS, panic and wanting to understand what is going on becomes a bit of obsession at the begining. Although obsession is probably the wrong word. So we look and look and for clues, validation that we are not all bad and crazy. So we trawl and trawl the internet and whatever includes the words mlc or marriage breakdown, we devour. Because the questions we have seem so out of any context, so do the answers at times. And so we look and look and look until we find the answers we need.
         I found mine in your writings straight away.
         It was only by luck or divine intervention that one day, as I was looking for your writings again (during a great moment of despair) on the site you mentioned and couldn’t find them for some reason, it was as though something was getting in the way of me finding them that I decided to take a different route and googled :’ HB 6 stages of mlc’ that I find this place!
         I actually stood up in excitment. I couldn’t believe it! I was straight onto my fellow lbs friends to advise them of this gem of a find! 😀
         Since then, I have made a complete 180 on myself (and my mlcer as a result- just a bonus).
         Your sermons and life lessons have been what has guided me since and I will tell you that I have never felt so good about my person and confident that I was on the right path.

         See, you say I am a very calm lady deep down and I guess I always was I just needed to get rid of all the bad feelings and thoughts that were lingering on the surface (left overs from my unfinished life transition journey). But I wasn’t always so.
         The thing with me I think is that people assumed that I was a control freak and to a certain degree I was but mostly, I just tend to voice my opinion when I disapprove of something(within the family unit) it doesn’t mean that I wish to control. I mean, who really enjoys watching a car crash? But I am learning to sometimes keep my opinions to myself because people will do what they want to do regardless of others’ opinions.
         So in light of this, Yes HB, I do realise that I cannot have my thumb on everything, hence I have kept my lips firmly shut about the recent behaviour of my mlcer. Besides, I could see that all of it was ‘unreal’. When the kids came home and offloaded onto me the event of the day…at first I was experiencing steam coming out of my ears lol but then I let that wash over me and just tried to make sense of the situation before responding.
         When I spoke of him breaking boundaries, I didn’t mean mine: I meant his own as a parent, the kids’, god’s and the law’s!
         Completely devoid of common sense. Of course as a mother, I do not want my children driven around by a man over the alcohol limit! My kids could be 50 years old, I would still worry and voice my dismay. As a young child, I was involved in several car accident with my father as the drunk driver. Two of those accidents had me traumatised throughout my childhood. The first one saw a tractor crash into the side of our car because my father had burnt a red light. I was stuck in the car at the back, uninjured but had to be taken out of said car by firemen equipped with some kind of chainsaw.
         Not an ideal day out for a 4 year old! The second one, ironically, my father wasn’t drunk (good day!). We were parked up and car came crashing into us from the back, rolled on top of us, only to land about 300 yards away on its top, spinning away. I was again, trapped inside with my baby brother and my father’s leg was broken, stuck under the stirring wheel. I screamed and screamed for help but nobody came, so out of sheer fear, I got out. Pulled the baby out (whom I thought was dead as his face was covered in blood – turned out it was my blood) and pulled my father out of the car. My face was caked in shards of glad from the windscreen but I couldn’t feel anything, just fear that my brother was dead….he wasn’t! He was asleep, would you believe!!!
         The man in the other car was taken to hospital but he didn’t make it.
         The scene of the crime was like something out of horror movie!
         So I don’t take too kindly to drink driving as you can imagine and my MLCer was always supportive of this.
         So I was definitely being provoked and dangerously so! I think I am perfectly entitled to disapprove and voice my dismay lol I also almost lost a friend to drink driving ; I had fought her and fought her to get the keys of her (I actually held her by her hair), told her she would crash! She wouldn’t listen. She crashed! Badly and was badly injured for weeks. The firemen said to her:”Someone is watching over you because judging by the sight of things, you should be dead to the world.”
         The next day at the hospital, she said to me:” I should have listened to you, I am so sorry”
         I could have killed her myself there and then! lol

         Anyway, I am rambling now but I guess what I am trying to say is that just because my mlcer has decided to act like a complete, irresponsible idiot, it doesn’t mean that I have to drop all of my convinctions and hard wired views on life. I will NEVER approve of drink driving and will speak my mind about it, whether people like it or not. If there is one thing I have learnt from my childhood is that you NEVER put others at risk. NEVER!
         But in this occasion, I am keeping quiet. He KNOWS what I think of drink driving so what would be the point of getting into an argument with him about it? HE KNOWS!!!! Too well……

         He broke his own boundaries, let’s see how he lives with that now….Apparently, maybe not so well.
         I heard from him yesterday…
         The night before last, I was at my shop getting rid of the last bits of rubbish. The reason I am leaving the premises is because I have been disrespected, lied to, strang along by the builders on site. I mean, i have waited a year for a toilet to be fitted (no sight of it as yet), life threatening patches of mold, no secure back door when my landlord has already paid for the work to be done. I just gave up nagging and decided to leave, causing the buliders to have a grudge against me as they were being reprimended by the landlord….Not my problem, anyhow, they seem to want to be in a feud with me. Although they told me I could use the skip outside for my rubbish, apparently that too was a lie as I received a text from my mlcer who too works there saying: Have you left loads of rubbish at the front of the shop?

         I thought….oh here we go, now what?!!!
         So I rang him, I wasn’t going to get into a nonsensical match of text tennis. He answers and I ask what this is all about. He tells me that he didn’t think I would leave rubbish festering outside my shop. I said that he was right, this is not something I’d do. Anyway he went on and on about it, saying they were being petty and unfair and I said that it looks like I am going to have to come down to sort it out. He then said, awkwardly and with concern – I could tell-:”I don’t have even room at the back of my van to help you” I said: ‘Oh, mlcer, I do not expect you to help, this is my problem and don’t worry about it I will sort it”

         Got there, got the rubbish back in and got quotes from rubbish removal companies. I walked upsatirs to speak to my mlcer about some of his stuff in my shop and asked if he would be so kind to collect them today just so I can put everything at the back of my mind for good. He said, yes, that he would and that he would go out to get some boxes and bags to pack it all away. He then started to go on about the builders and how petty they have been to me, how unfair and mean they were and that he would kick teh stupid backdoor out to prove a point to thema nd said that he was going to get them in trouble if they arried on. He was, again, angry! I said that none of it will be necessary and to please not do anything as I would rather leave gracefully. He put his head down and nodded. I said thanks, see you later then, and walked back out. DONE!
         At first I thought: eh? Is he trying to play avenger for me? Or is it just an opportunity for his anger to come out to play?….Bit of both maybe.

         The deal was that he would use the backdoor, his idea that he had been going about for quite some time, therefore not needing me nor my keys.
         Anyway, I had walked down there with the dogs and back home with the dogs, 35 minutes walk each way and in the heat and many hills to climb. I had already been for a 45 minutes walk with the dogs as well!!! By the time I got home, I fell into a lake of sweat and my legs felt like jelly. o-O
         I sit down, make a call and another call comes through. MLCER!
         Oh what now!!!
         He tells me: ”Where are you? I thought WE were moving my stuff today?”
         I said:”You can, go ahead”
         He says:” Why is it unlocked?”
         -”erm, you are using the back door aren’t you, it is definitely not locked, no hinges nor lock, remember?”
         ”Yes, but what if I get down the stairs and got locked upstairs by the builders”
         ”But, mlcer, you have the keys to upstairs”
         ”Yeah, but I don’t want to risk it”
         ”Ok(mental sigh), but I have just walked home and I am not going anywhere again today besides I have a friend coming round, so it will have to be tomorrow now as I probably will have to come back anyway”
         ”Oh ok, see you tomorrow then”

         Hm! Needy mlcer child? Checking to see if I would be at his beck and call? Needing to see me….I don’t know, but after sunday’s event, it is a bit of a turn around.
         His feelings will probably have changed by the time I go down there later! Never mind, I am totally equipped now to deal with him whatever he comes out with 🙂

         He really is such a child at the moment and so very full of anger. As I have said to my fellow lbs friend:”Anything or anyone in his line of fire will be a target at the moment’. It looks like I was right with my assumption as s16 reported to me yesterday that he was shouting in a cafe for the tv to be turned off because it was on the Parliament channel and he just didn’t want to have to listen to this -insert curse word here!- Then of course, the other builders are now also a target.
         Watch out people, angry mlcer about! And he may even drink drive, lock up your families!

         Than you HB for helping me opening my eyes on a situation that really has nothing to do with me, therefore I shall not get involved unless strictly necessary for my own wellbeing and should my mlcer seek my friendship on a deeper level, I shall be there, too. I will know the difference between him genuinely seeking friendship or him simply trying to drag me back onto his rollercoaster of emotions. That is why I spoke of ‘cake-eating’. I used the term losoely and I shouldn’t have seeing as it has a definite meaning in mlc. I spoke of it as in: ”Getting the best of both world”. I was enabling him to have his little fake life outside of the family unit and home and allowing him to have family down time at the weekend in the family home he was so quick and keen to get out of in the first place. Well, that cycle has been broken by little old me. I never thought I could do it but after gaining a clearer understanding of mlc, thanks to your writings and after applying the advice given, it wasn’t so hard to do at all! Your writings are very empowering to us lbs!
         I have read all of your articles here, HB, over and over again(even though it may seem like I haven’t at times lol- I forget stuff!) , and everytime I find something in them that jumps at me as my situation develops into something new or old. It really takes a while to assimilate everything, there is so much to consider and I don’t think we really understand what is going on until we look back, and until we have enough to look back upon, nothing makes much sense. And all of it DOES make sense once we get the necessary knowledge to understand.
         I understand the process and trust it. You are right, there isn’t much information about it and I find that highly frustrating. that is why I have no reservations about sharing my story here and that of my mlcer. I suppose I offer examples of bad and good mlc behaviour and one thing I feel makes me want to share my story is that there is no OW in my situation and because of that my situation is not seen as ‘ as devastating by others’….well, that’s a matter of opinion because having been abandoned for the sake of drugs and money isn’t exactly a feel good factor for any of us in my family. And I know of only two more lbs situations where there are no OW involved and are always told:”There must be! Are you 100% sure there isn’t? Oh sounds like there is a OW pushing him to act stupid.’ Or….Be glad there isn’t a OW ! Are you sure it’s mlc? ‘etc….etc….
         It can be quite insulting to one’s intelligence and even to mlcer’s who have no OW….They are ‘children’ enough to act stupid without anybody else’s input , ya know! lol

         Wow! I have written loads, today. Taking up bandwith!
         Talking of which….I thought my donation was going to be anonymous, I even used a different email address! You have eyes everywhere, HB lol. Anyway, I am glad it pleased you but guess what…..I did it for me! Hehehehe, I and several other lbs have found so much comfort and support here and validations of our thoughts on MLC and so much insights and all delivered with much honesty and sometimes with a more than necessary blunt observation from you , what’s a few pennies if it means those pennies will help keep it all going? Nothing 🙂 Support is a two way thing 🙂

         I hope you have a lovely day and I shall update again over the next few days as I see my situation take all the twist and turns it is meant to take xx
         Take care
         Much love, Boo x

         1. HI, Hb!
            Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. I guess I needed validation for my thoughts and eerie feelings. It is ever so hard not to let the imagination run wild during such an uncertain and confusing time! Although the future doesn’t worry me so much anymore and I just live in the present, when mlc comes barging in on my present….I don’t like it lol
            It really is about all about control. I do not seek to control anybody but myself. I am so, so happy that I, today, can control myself as well as I can and this I owe to your writings. They have comforted me and guided me right from the start.
            I have always followed your advice and your insights have been like gold dust to me in this very poor state of affairs.
            The only description of the stages of MLC I understand fully is yours. Hence I’m here now and you’re stuck with me hehehe

            **LOL, just so you know, I experienced a “draw” that came from your very first comment you left in my donations section(I don’t get those very often, but when I do, I pay attention, because those are important for me to recognize)–and for a second I experienced a feeling of déjà vu, because I “felt” like I “knew” you from somewhere else…you struck me as being very familiar, but I had never met you online before in my life…however, there’s a very comfortable “feel” about you, and yes, you were marked as having come through a major emotional change for yourself-when, didn’t matter, it just matters that you bear that “mark” of completion in every comment you’ve written.

            I figured you must have been one of the ones who had maybe triggered your MLC spouse into his transition…and that is still very possible, as triggering doesn’t happen overnight–sometimes it takes years from a time of growth to “trigger” –anyway, all you’ve really needed was reminders, and some advice in areas you had some things to learn, and you’re learning them.

            You’re doing really well, Boo, better than you might think.

            You know how it is….when mlc hits home, confusion sets in for the LBS, panic and wanting to understand what is going on becomes a bit of obsession at the begining. Although obsession is probably the wrong word. So we look and look and for clues, validation that we are not all bad and crazy. So we trawl and trawl the internet and whatever includes the words mlc or marriage breakdown, we devour. Because the questions we have seem so out of any context, so do the answers at times. And so we look and look and look until we find the answers we need.
            I found mine in your writings straight away.

            **I know exactly how it is, as I’d once been there, too. Obsession would be a correct word to use, because it’s true that people get obsessed with finding answers that make sense, help from someone, anyone that won’t think they’re crazy.
            One of the major aspects that has endeared me to a lot of people is the fact that I write what they already recognize, and it’s written down in a language they can understand–but most of all, I think it’s also because I do care about whether people get what they need so they don’t feel alone, and so they can get support geared toward helping them cope with their situations. I’m not perfect, and I don’t even see myself as any kind of a writer, but God sees something in me, because He keeps supplying me with words to write so people can be helped.

            It was only by luck or divine intervention that one day, as I was looking for your writings again (during a great moment of despair) on the site you mentioned and couldn’t find them for some reason, it was as though something was getting in the way of me finding them that I decided to take a different route and googled :’ HB 6 stages of mlc’ that I find this place!
            I actually stood up in excitment. I couldn’t believe it! I was straight onto my fellow lbs friends to advise them of this gem of a find!

            **I thought about what you said after I read it, and then I prayed on it, and what came to me was divine intervention in this area. When God was dealing with me to open up a public blog after being offline for over a year and a half, I argued with Him, because I didn’t think that people would really want to read what I had written if I were not writing on a forum. I mean, I’ve got writings from the past in two different places, but as He said, that’s not the same thing as consolidating these writings in one place, and He firmly insisted if I would build it, He would send me the people-and I’ve seen that happen.

            On a forum messageboard, one often has to sort through various posts to get to the ones I write unless you’re talking about a thread I had once authored, and I’ve authored quite a few in my time–I never restricted people in what to write on any of my threads–I simply told people they could write what they wanted to–some would show up for advice, some with questions, and others, just came to hang out with me for awhile.

            Anyhow, as you can see He won the argument, and I set up my blog site–I had already been learning some prior things about running my own domain, and I fought hackers left and right from the first–I’m locked down well at this time–I’m doing all my own IT work to keep it all running, plus keeping it all updated…I lost some sleep in the beginning, and started out with around 50 people in the beginning, and it grew from there. In either October or November of 2013, He directed me to go ahead and put ads up, plus set up a donation block for those who wanted to directly contribute. Of course, as you can see, I don’t directly charge a dime for what I do. I try not to be obtrusive with the ads I have running.

            However at this point in time, I am beginning to do this full time, because it’s turning into that–between emails and comments posted. Some people don’t give me enough detail for me to answer them, and I set those aside to put on a later blog post. Others ask a lot of questions, provide me with good detail, and just like I do with you here on the blog, I give comprehensive answers to their questions.

            However, I do see repeating questions at times,(not from you–not yet, LOL) and I won’t always answer those, unless it’s to explain in a whole different way. I can’t solve everyone’s problems for them, all I can do is advise, and let them go to make their own decisions. That’s all I can do.

            Since then, I have made a complete 180 on myself (and my mlcer as a result- just a bonus).
            Your sermons and life lessons have been what has guided me since and I will tell you that I have never felt so good about my person and confident that I was on the right path.

            **It’s good that you’re getting what you need-that’s the goal, isn’t it, getting what YOU need? It’s not so much what’s written down, but how willing people are to follow the advice that’s given. All of it is counterintuitive and opposite from one would do in a “normal” type situation. Until things begin to change, what you would normally do, you’re advised not to do.

            See, you say I am a very calm lady deep down and I guess I always was I just needed to get rid of all the bad feelings and thoughts that were lingering on the surface (left overs from my unfinished life transition journey). But I wasn’t always so.
            The thing with me I think is that people assumed that I was a control freak and to a certain degree I was but mostly, I just tend to voice my opinion when I disapprove of something(within the family unit) it doesn’t mean that I wish to control. I mean, who really enjoys watching a car crash? But I am learning to sometimes keep my opinions to myself because people will do what they want to do regardless of others’ opinions.

            **Setting and keeping firm boundaries within yourself will always cause people who don’t understand to assume you are controlling, Boo, when that’s not really the case..you clearly know what you will and won’t tolerate in people, and anyone you deal with has two choices: honor your boundary, and change to better relate to you, or not honor your boundary and walk away…often, to their detriment.

            So in light of this, Yes HB, I do realise that I cannot have my thumb on everything, hence I have kept my lips firmly shut about the recent behaviour of my mlcer. Besides, I could see that all of it was ‘unreal’. When the kids came home and offloaded onto me the event of the day…at first I was experiencing steam coming out of my ears lol but then I let that wash over me and just tried to make sense of the situation before responding.
            When I spoke of him breaking boundaries, I didn’t mean mine: I meant his own as a parent, the kids’, god’s and the law’s!

            **Those are the aspects that are truly beyond your own control, and of course you know that–these are also the things that affect him directly, and don’t affect you unless you are the direct target of his boundary-breaking.

            
            Completely devoid of common sense.

            **Yup, that would be MLC–what makes sense, they don’t want to do, and what doesn’t make sense is what they do–opposites in all aspects. However, if you think about it, children are like this, too. They seem to want to do things that will cause them to fall into a dangerous situation. Because they have no real sense of mortality (they aren’t thinking of getting maimed, or worse, killed), they often take chances no person that knows better would even think to take. Enter in your typical MLC spouse, who does this, too–often on a daily basis.

            You can restrict children, but you can’t restrict a MLC spouse–you can only let them go to do their absolute worst….preparing for this worst, while hoping for the best.

            
            Of course as a mother, I do not want my children driven around by a man over the alcohol limit! My kids could be 50 years old, I would still worry and voice my dismay. As a young child, I was involved in several car accident with my father as the drunk driver. Two of those accidents had me traumatised throughout my childhood. The first one saw a tractor crash into the side of our car because my father had burnt a red light. I was stuck in the car at the back, uninjured but had to be taken out of said car by firemen equipped with some kind of chainsaw.

            Not an ideal day out for a 4 year old! The second one, ironically, my father wasn’t drunk (good day!). We were parked up and car came crashing into us from the back, rolled on top of us, only to land about 300 yards away on its top, spinning away. I was again, trapped inside with my baby brother and my father’s leg was broken, stuck under the stirring wheel. I screamed and screamed for help but nobody came, so out of sheer fear, I got out. Pulled the baby out (whom I thought was dead as his face was covered in blood – turned out it was my blood) and pulled my father out of the car. My face was caked in shards of glad from the windscreen but I couldn’t feel anything, just fear that my brother was dead….he wasn’t! He was asleep, would you believe!!!
            The man in the other car was taken to hospital but he didn’t make it.
            The scene of the crime was like something out of horror movie!
            So I don’t take too kindly to drink driving as you can imagine and my MLCer was always supportive of this.

            **Sounds like you had a rough time of it, and that (understandably and right) has colored your reaction/response to drinking and driving as illustrated below–

            So I was definitely being provoked and dangerously so! I think I am perfectly entitled to disapprove and voice my dismay lol I also almost lost a friend to drink driving ; I had fought her and fought her to get the keys of her (I actually held her by her hair), told her she would crash! She wouldn’t listen. She crashed! Badly and was badly injured for weeks. The firemen said to her:”Someone is watching over you because judging by the sight of things, you should be dead to the world.”
            The next day at the hospital, she said to me:” I should have listened to you, I am so sorry”
            I could have killed her myself there and then! Lol

            **People often say that ones who go through these things are “lucky” but I never say that–I always say the Lord was with them, and had His hand upon them. That’s the only way a person can come through something without getting even worse hurt, or even killed.

            Anyway, I am rambling now but I guess what I am trying to say is that just because my mlcer has decided to act like a complete, irresponsible idiot, it doesn’t mean that I have to drop all of my convinctions and hard wired views on life. I will NEVER approve of drink driving and will speak my mind about it, whether people like it or not. If there is one thing I have learnt from my childhood is that you NEVER put others at risk. NEVER!
            But in this occasion, I am keeping quiet. He KNOWS what I think of drink driving so what would be the point of getting into an argument with him about it? HE KNOWS!!!! Too well……

            **I see what you’re saying. However, you’re never asked to sacrifice your own convictions on an altar of the MLC. Nowhere in anything I write do I tell people they have to sacrifice their beliefs, their morals, or their character, when they are learning to separate themselves from the behavior of their MLC spouses.

            God teaches us the ultimate lesson in letting go, if you think about it. He sees what we do, right or wrong, but because of free will that He gave man as a gift, He will let people go to do their worst, even if it means hanging themselves in that process.

            Sometimes people have to learn by their own mistakes–we can talk until we are blue in the face, but if people don’t choose to listen, they can’t say they weren’t warned…and that is not an arrogant statement, it’s the TRUTH.

            I can’t stop people from doing what they want, and I might say something about it–but in the end, I have to let people go to do what they think is right, because they often have to make the mistakes in order to sometimes learn the hard way. The same with the MLC spouse. You might not like it, and you don’t approve of it, but in the end you either have to accept it was done, facing, resolving, and eventually healing from this act done against you, for yourself, accepting that person for who are they, and not for what you would want them to be or choose to walk away without accepting anything.

            There are many people for example, who swear up and down they won’t accept adultery, and that’s their choice. Regardless of they choose, whether to hang in there, wait the affair out, and try to bring things back together, or give the MLC’er the boot–they would still have to work all of the negative feelings associated with what happened.

            That’s part of our journey into greater growth, is learning to accept something that was done against us, and understand that there is a hurting person behind every selfish and hurtful act. Doesn’t mean you condone what they do, and there will come a time of accountability. But until that time, one would need to learn that anything done to/against them, has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person that has done this to/against them.

            You learn to work through the issues that are triggered within yourself as a result of someone’s wrong acts, because their acts aren’t personal–it’s US that take them personally..when something is done it does trigger past issues within ourselves, and feelings that cry out to be faced.

            If there is nothing there to “fight” or “resolve” there is hurt, because you love, and when you love you always give some emotional power away to that person.

            However, (within the aspect of an affair), if a time comes that the MLC spouse wants to try to work on the marriage, the adultery act cannot continue to lie between the couple–it has to be fully addressed by BOTH people at a right time, or the marriage will simply coast for as long as it takes to break down fully.

            You can’t have a LBS who keeps on harping on an adulterous act that was committed many years after the fact, and you can’t have a MLC’er who couldn’t reverse this act, constantly being “beat down” by an unforgiving LBS, who never accepted that it happened, never forgave this wrong, and never healed from it.

            So as long as you have the LBS who won’t heal, he/she will always throw it up in the MLC’er’s face, who, in turn, will NOT heal….and so, both people are living in misery, no matter what they may say about it, or even what kind of emotional “mask” they may both wear.

            He broke his own boundaries, let’s see how he lives with that now….Apparently, maybe not so well.
            I heard from him yesterday…
            The night before last, I was at my shop getting rid of the last bits of rubbish. The reason I am leaving the premises is because I have been disrespected, lied to, strang along by the builders on site. I mean, i have waited a year for a toilet to be fitted (no sight of it as yet), life threatening patches of mold, no secure back door when my landlord has already paid for the work to be done. I just gave up nagging and decided to leave, causing the buliders to have a grudge against me as they were being reprimended by the landlord….Not my problem, anyhow, they seem to want to be in a feud with me. Although they told me I could use the skip outside for my rubbish, apparently that too was a lie as I received a text from my mlcer who too works there saying: Have you left loads of rubbish at the front of the shop?
            I thought….oh here we go, now what?!!!
            So I rang him, I wasn’t going to get into a nonsensical match of text tennis. He answers and I ask what this is all about. He tells me that he didn’t think I would leave rubbish festering outside my shop. I said that he was right, this is not something I’d do. Anyway he went on and on about it, saying they were being petty and unfair and I said that it looks like I am going to have to come down to sort it out. He then said, awkwardly and with concern – I could tell-:”I don’t have even room at the back of my van to help you” I said: ‘Oh, mlcer, I do not expect you to help, this is my problem and don’t worry about it I will sort it”
            Got there, got the rubbish back in and got quotes from rubbish removal companies. I walked upsatirs to speak to my mlcer about some of his stuff in my shop and asked if he would be so kind to collect them today just so I can put everything at the back of my mind for good. He said, yes, that he would and that he would go out to get some boxes and bags to pack it all away. He then started to go on about the builders and how petty they have been to me, how unfair and mean they were and that he would kick teh stupid backdoor out to prove a point to thema nd said that he was going to get them in trouble if they arried on. He was, again, angry! I said that none of it will be necessary and to please not do anything as I would rather leave gracefully. He put his head down and nodded. I said thanks, see you later then, and walked back out. DONE!
            At first I thought: eh? Is he trying to play avenger for me? Or is it just an opportunity for his anger to come out to play?….Bit of both maybe.

            **He was trying to show you that he was on you side-even to the point of “threatening” the builders. I think you called this one right. Since he hasn’t yet learned that line between what’s yours, and what’s his, he got mad FOR you–which isn’t healthy, but still, I guess it was nice to know he was on your side. Odd way of showing he cares, but he does care about you.
            
            The deal was that he would use the backdoor, his idea that he had been going about for quite some time, therefore not needing me nor my keys.
            Anyway, I had walked down there with the dogs and back home with the dogs, 35 minutes walk each way and in the heat and many hills to climb. I had already been for a 45 minutes walk with the dogs as well!!! By the time I got home, I fell into a lake of sweat and my legs felt like jelly. o-O
            I sit down, make a call and another call comes through. MLCER!
            Oh what now!!!
            He tells me: ”Where are you? I thought WE were moving my stuff today?”
            I said:”You can, go ahead”
            He says:” Why is it unlocked?”
            -”erm, you are using the back door aren’t you, it is definitely not locked, no hinges nor lock, remember?”
            ”Yes, but what if I get down the stairs and got locked upstairs by the builders”
            ”But, mlcer, you have the keys to upstairs”
            ”Yeah, but I don’t want to risk it”
            ”Ok(mental sigh), but I have just walked home and I am not going anywhere again today besides I have a friend coming round, so it will have to be tomorrow now as I probably will have to come back anyway”
            ”Oh ok, see you tomorrow then”
            Hm! Needy mlcer child? Checking to see if I would be at his beck and call? Needing to see me….I don’t know, but after sunday’s event, it is a bit of a turn around.
            His feelings will probably have changed by the time I go down there later! Never mind, I am totally equipped now to deal with him whatever he comes out with

            **It’s kind of checking to see if you’re still “there”–that’s a hard one to explain. Plus the fact that he assumed you were going to be there with him as in “WE” were moving stuff. You’re not a mind-reader, but it’s typical MLC thinking that he’s not outgrown yet, and it will be some time before he outgrows this aspect.

            MLC’ers will often expect you to “anticipate” what they need, what they’re thinking, in essence, you’re supposed to know everything they know–doesn’t happen, and they can get pretty frustrating.

            It’s just some of the smaller things people can get stuck on–not everything means something, and it becomes hard to sort through their thinking to understand what they are trying to get across to you. They’ll often tell you something that doesn’t make sense to anyone but them…so you learn to take everything with a grain of salt, and trust they’ll figure it out. They have to anyway, because you sure can’t.

            He really is such a child at the moment and so very full of anger. As I have said to my fellow lbs friend:”Anything or anyone in his line of fire will be a target at the moment’. It looks like I was right with my assumption as s16 reported to me yesterday that he was shouting in a cafe for the tv to be turned off because it was on the Parliament channel and he just didn’t want to have to listen to this -insert curse word here!- Then of course, the other builders are now also a target.
            Watch out people, angry mlcer about! And he may even drink drive, lock up your families!

            **He made a public spectacle of himself, and didn’t think about how odd he looked. I don’t doubt that people thought he was crazy or worse. At least you weren’t directly exposed to it.

            
            Than you HB for helping me opening my eyes on a situation that really has nothing to do with me, therefore I shall not get involved unless strictly necessary for my own wellbeing and should my mlcer seek my friendship on a deeper level, I shall be there, too. I will know the difference between him genuinely seeking friendship or him simply trying to drag me back onto his rollercoaster of emotions. That is why I spoke of ‘cake-eating’. I used the term losoely and I shouldn’t have seeing as it has a definite meaning in mlc. I spoke of it as in: ”Getting the best of both world”.

            **I’d say you’re handling things just fine, Boo. “Cake-eating” is a term that applies to the affair, and nothing else. What you’re talking about would be more like him taking advantage of you, than outright cake-eating, Boo…and letting someone take advantage of you by “enabling” them is what you describe in this next paragraph:

            I was enabling him to have his little fake life outside of the family unit and home and allowing him to have family down time at the weekend in the family home he was so quick and keen to get out of in the first place. Well, that cycle has been broken by little old me.

            **This event you had to deal with, would actually called “being taken advantage of”, or “helping to enable” a person to do something wrong without facing a clear boundary. This is also known as the LBS having poor boundaries on their part, until they learn better…we were all there at one time.

            I never thought I could do it but after gaining a clearer understanding of mlc, thanks to your writings and after applying the advice given, it wasn’t so hard to do at all! Your writings are very empowering to us lbs!

            **Oh yes, breaking emotional cycles can be done, through the setting of firm and loving boundaries if you’re willing to overcome the fear of losing something–although to do this effectively you would need to come to the realization that you can’t lose what’s already been lost.

            The day your MLC spouse rocked your world, jerked the proverbial rug out from underneath your feet, and completely turned you, was the day they became “lost”–not just to you, but also to themselves–and, of course, it’s up to them to find themselves again, plus you in that process…through the later realization that the best thing they ever had was standing right in front of them all along.

            Unfortunately, long before this loss of fear happens, many LBS’ let the MLC spouse walk on them in ways that are unacceptable within a behavioral aspect. There’s a time to back down, and a time to stand up–a time be quiet, and a time to be loud. As you pay closer attention to your Intuition, you will learn to trust it fully–God isn’t talking to be talking, He’s speaking to give instructions that are meant to be followed. He’s there all of the time, none of us who give advice are always there with you, so paying heed to that inner voice will serve you well.

            I have read all of your articles here, HB, over and over again(even though it may seem like I haven’t at times lol- I forget stuff!) , and everytime I find something in them that jumps at me as my situation develops into something new or old. It really takes a while to assimilate everything, there is so much to consider and I don’t think we really understand what is going on until we look back, and until we have enough to look back upon, nothing makes much sense. And all of it DOES make sense once we get the necessary knowledge to understand.

            **I had noticed I was getting repeat visitors-and the time spent here reading averages nearly two hours for most visitors–and that’s OK to do. Each time you read an article, hopefully you get something more out of it than you got in a prior reading. I do have a tendency to sow seeds of knowledge ahead-but what you don’t understand now, you will later on, as your situation continues to unfold for yourself.

            Of course, unless I’m advising someone directly, not every piece of advice I give through the articles would fit your particular situation, so one must discern what they need, take what they need, and leave the rest for someone else to get what they would need, if that makes sense.

            Too, we’re human, we do forget things, and often need a refresher course in what we forget–but that’s why they call it being “taught”…and don’t feel bad–I, too, often had to be reminded at times, because I had the pieces, but when something was happening, my mind would often get confused, and I’d think, “I know what I need to do, but can’t remember,” so, I would ask questions, or go back and research something I’d read before.

            It’s OK to do that–researching can only benefit you in the long run. You would know what would fit, and what wouldn’t fit within your personal situation.

            I understand the process and trust it. You are right, there isn’t much information about it and I find that highly frustrating.

            **LOL, you should have been ME back years ago–I didn’t have a lot to go on–all I had was a human guide that God sent to help me, and later on, as my Intuition strengthened, I only had Him–and I was writing down things as I learned them for myself, and passing them on to others as I documented these. I really can see where I helped pioneer a positive movement within the area of MLC nearly 12 years ago…but I had NO idea how far these things would go…and I have to confess it all scared me to death at first.

            When you take the time to write out hopeful things, helpful things, and they’re aspects people can relate to, read well, and most importantly, understand, it goes a long way toward helping not just the people who being helped at that particular time it was written, but others that come long afterward. I’ve been told several times I will be leaving a legacy behind, and I’ve become OK with that, because I know that God’s Word never comes back void–and He was the one who trained me in the first place–and is still training me to this day within various aspects.

            I did a LOT of research back in the day, as God sent me into various places to learn many things I could make a solid connection to so I could benefit others from what I was learning. I went from surface connecting, to emotional connecting, and even as far as making quite a few spiritual connections within the MLC. That last aspect, I’ve written some things about, but people have thought I was as crazy as a loon–but one cannot believe in God, and the fact we have a spirit within that lives within our bodies, without believing also in Satan and evil influences–and I can tell you from experience, I’m a full believer, but without being a total fanatic about it.

            
            that is why I have no reservations about sharing my story here and that of my mlcer. I suppose I offer examples of bad and good mlc behaviour and one thing I feel makes me want to share my story is that there is no OW in my situation and because of that my situation is not seen as ‘ as devastating by others’….well, that’s a matter of opinion because having been abandoned for the sake of drugs and money isn’t exactly a feel good factor for any of us in my family. And I know of only two more lbs situations where there are no OW involved and are always told:”There must be! Are you 100% sure there isn’t? Oh sounds like there is a OW pushing him to act stupid.’ Or….Be glad there isn’t a OW ! Are you sure it’s mlc? ‘etc….etc….
            It can be quite insulting to one’s intelligence and even to mlcer’s who have no OW….They are ‘children’ enough to act stupid without anybody else’s input , ya know! Lol

            **You never know what someone else could get out of reading your story. 🙂 I saw an unspoken question in the above paragraph, and will answer in definitive, and you can quote me on this, LOL. Not all situations have a true OW/OM.

            Sometimes the “OW/OM” of choice is drugs, sometimes it’s wasteful spending of money, sometimes it’s becoming so fixated with youth, which leads to so much plastic surgery (which cost money, I know), that the person going through it looks terrible–but they’re trying to circumvent the aging process, as these get truly obsessed with this.

            If an advisor asks about the OW/OM aspect more than twice, and then starts harassing-that’s disrespectful, because that advisor isn’t wanting to respect that person’s right to know what they know. Conversely, sometimes the LBS in question might be wrong about what they think they’re seeing–sometimes they think there’s an affair, when there isn’t one.

            In fact, I gently corrected one who said they ALL had affairs, and I said no, not always…not all of them do, although most of them will/do.

            I might ask about that one time, but if a person is certain-and I don’t sense anything “off” in their situation, I won’t ask again…I will see what they find out down the road. Now, Boo, sometimes I sense a third party when a person says there isn’t one, but other than ask once more–I let it go and wait…didn’t get it in YOUR situation, BTW. 🙂

            People are going through enough without getting harassed about whether or not there is a OW/OM within a given situation. That’s not really important early on. What one should be most worried about how the LBS is doing, not worried about what their MLC spouse is doing, other than to confirm they’re in MLC….the focus should be on getting the LBS on their feet, giving them comfort, telling them to breathe, that things will be all right. That’s what a freshly bombed LBS needs–and when they rant about their MLC spouse…listen, validate, and understand–that’s really all that’s needed for a little while, other than patiently answering question after question.

            Until the LBS that is fresh into this process understands what is happening, they’re not going to move an inch, so you keep answering questions, until you begin seeing their mental “lightbulbs” click on in understanding/comprehension…and not everybody’s the same in how they’ll reach this.

            IF there is a third party(OW/OM), rest assured the signs AND that person will always show up shortly in an unmistakable way because MLC spouses have a tendency to hide out in the open..and then get mad, LOL, when they’re caught–but they will have caught themselves in a trap of their making…nothing done in darkness never stays there–it always comes to light.

            Just so you know–I did ask this of you twice, I think..then dropped it–but I really don’t get that sense in yours–what I get is a seriously mixed up and thoroughly confused man who is seriously angry at his mother–what I keep picking up is that she emotionally damaged him in several ways when he was growing up–and since she is available (and willing) for him to work out this issue with–there would be NO need for a “stand in” for his mom.

            All you need to do is keep doing what you’re doing.

            
            Wow! I have written loads, today. Taking up bandwith!

            **No worries on my part-you can write to your heart’s content, LOL…if I keep getting other people who write on a regular basis, I might have to consider opening a forum to off-load the comments there-you have questions, hopefully, I have answers..and sometimes people just need to talk, and that’s OK, too.

            
            Talking of which….I thought my donation was going to be anonymous, I even used a different email address! You have eyes everywhere, HB lol. Anyway, I am glad it pleased you but guess what…..I did it for me! Hehehehe, I and several other lbs have found so much comfort and support here and validations of our thoughts on MLC and so much insights and all delivered with much honesty and sometimes with a more than necessary blunt observation from you , what’s a few pennies if it means those pennies will help keep it all going? Nothing Support is a two way thing

            **You would be right that I have eyes everywhere, I need them, LOL…if all my traffic were earnest visitors looking for help, it would be fine, but I have people who have nothing better to do than try to hack my site so they can deface it…and I don’t just see the Chinese, and Japanese doing the hacking, but I see American IPs trying to hack, too. They all get reported, as I also see what line of code they’ve tried to hack me with…and it all goes where it needs to, so something can be done.

            Fortunately, my server host is also very proactive in helping fight hackers–although I also help by running two different kinds of software to keep them out of different places on my site…my login gets hit a lot, but I have it locked down as tight as I can lock it down to prevent entry.

            For what it’s worth, no one has to worry about their real identities getting away from me, nor do they have to worry about me giving away or selling email addresses–I had someone raise that concern with me not long ago, and I hadn’t even thought about that. So, I put a note in my contact block making it clear I don’t do that.

            I know I hate spam, and I’ve had people do that to me–sell my email address..and I would always know, because my spam count would always rise. People don’t have to worry about any of that with me, I don’t collect email addresses-it’s not fair to people who take the time to write me.

            To be very honest, I know where everybody comes from–but that’s more for my safety than theirs-because as I said, I do have a lot of hacking traffic mixed in with the legal traffic. I have additional security software that runs behind my Bad Behavior that catches what that software doesn’t catch…and most often the hackers are after my database, where all my stuff is backed up.

            As far as any money contributed goes, I’m always appreciative of whatever comes in, and I send out a personal thank-you note to every contributor that chooses to give through the donation block. Those who choose to contribute don’t have to contribute, and if I don’t send out something acknowledging that contribution, I feel I would be wrong, because you never take anyone’s generosity for granted…they take that time, so the receiver should also take time to say thanks. 🙂

            As as being blunt and honest—well it doesn’t help if one sugarcoats a situation, nor does false hope do anything, but destroy a person. I would rather someone be honest with me than beat around the bush, or lie to me. If I don’t know, I will tell you I don’t know, but if I don’t know, I will find out, because I hadn’t learned everything about the MLC—No one knows it all, except God who created this time of life. Even as much as I have come to know, I am still learning as I go forward. 🙂

            I hope you have a lovely day and I shall update again over the next few days as I see my situation take all the twist and turns it is meant to take xx
            Take care
            Much love, Boo x

            **You have a lovely day, too, Boo. Always a pleasure to converse with you. 🙂 🙂 🙂 ((hugs))

            1. Hello!
               Just passing by to say that I have been really chewing on everything you have said and advised and I can only say that everything you have written is so spot on.

               Now, I haven’t seen my mlcer since the last time I spoke to you. He has been with our s16 a fair bit, working with him (currently with him today) and son and spending a little more time with him. So that’s a positive.
               Something happened this week with his alienating, druggy friend. His wife is asking him for a divorce and of course he’s leaning on my MLC’ers shoulders for support. He is very angry at his wife- has displayed actions of bad temper about it in front of s16. Like punching a picture of his wife that was on the wall whilst cursing at it. What with my mlcer’s constant anger and aggressive demeanour, I cannot see this friendship of theirs being very healthy.
               Now, I never wish ill on anyone, but, in this instance I am at least grateful it is happening. Funnily enough, the night before, I begged the skies for an intervention! :O Is it connected, I do not know.

               Also, as I looked back upon my situation, or rather, that of my mlcer, I realsised that the first time my mlcer mentioned he wanted to speak to his father so he could clear his head was at the beginning of October last year. Within a few days, his mother provided him with an address. It wasn’t again until february that he asked for it again as he had ‘lost’ the address. So she gave it to him again. In March, she provided him with a phone number for his father.
               Still not doing anything….3 weeks ago, his father rang himself. His mother asked him on monday (while he was off work) and asked if he had rang his dad.
               His answer: I haven’t had time…..

               I say BS! My gut is telling me that he just doesn’t want to do it because he knows that the minute he does, everything will change in his mind and heart and I have this naggy feeling that he is now hiding behind his childhood issues to excuse his bad behaviour. What lead me to think this way is that he often comes up with stories from the past when he finds himself in a pickle either with me, MIL, or the children.
               He has everything he needs to face it all, he has his mother’s support, mine if he wants it, the children’s and quite possibly some of his friends’ as well (I should hope!). His father made the first move -although I think MLCer is exerting control here ie: ”I’ll decide when. I waited years, your turn!”

               I understand that mlc takes time, that time during mlc takes a whole new meaning, that things don’t resolve overnight etc….But really? He has had so many opportunities to do something about it since October- 8-9 months? Really?

               I also have a feeling that his anger has become and his best friend and he doesn’t want to let go because if he does, what does he have? Just a lot of hurt he cannot face.

               His mother is getting impatient with him. She wants to put it all to rest before she leaves this world. There has been some strange questions asked by her family and mlcer’s father himself such as:”What does mlcer look like? Does he look like his father?”……Which lead us to think that there must be doubts about DNA here.
               MIL said that she has had enough of it all and wants it sorted. I guess she feels this involves her, too, and I guess it does. It affects us all and mlcer is dragging his heels and knuckles.
               So she is going to confront him about it. Tell him that she wants it all out in the open and sorted before she dies(she is 62 and not too healthy) and she is buying a DNA test that mlcer can take along with him.

               I’m not sure it is a good idea at all but if it is what she wants to do, I canot stop her. I see it as interfering but at the same time I guess she is very much involved in this.
               It may make him run further but she thinks he needs to hear it because she thinks he is delaying things deliberately to control everyone and because she believes he doesn’t want to let go of his anger.
               Anyway, that is if he goes and sees her. He has withdrawn from us both for a good 5-6 weeks now.
               I’m keeping away and quiet. Finding it hard but plodding along. I’m sure I am somewhere on his radar, in a nicely tucked away part of his mlc cheese brain.

               So my question today is, I guess, is he stuck, HB? Or is this pretty much FOO issues facing standards/timescale? His father is in his early 70’s…..He might want to hurry!
               Thank you for listening, HB, as always. 🙂
               Boo xx

            2. Hello!
               Just passing by to say that I have been really chewing on everything you have said and advised and I can only say that everything you have written is so spot on.

               **LOL, I can understand it, Boo. However, you do really well with how you’re coping with your mid-life spouse. You’re in a great emotional place.
               ((hugs))
               —
               Now, I haven’t seen my mlcer since the last time I spoke to you. He has been with our s16 a fair bit, working with him (currently with him today) and son and spending a little more time with him. So that’s a positive.
               Something happened this week with his alienating, druggy friend. His wife is asking him for a divorce and of course he’s leaning on my MLC’ers shoulders for support. He is very angry at his wife- has displayed actions of bad temper about it in front of s16. Like punching a picture of his wife that was on the wall whilst cursing at it. What with my mlcer’s constant anger and aggressive demeanour, I cannot see this friendship of theirs being very healthy.
               Now, I never wish ill on anyone, but, in this instance I am at least grateful it is happening. Funnily enough, the night before, I begged the skies for an intervention! :O Is it connected, I do not know.

               **Your mid-life spouse is watching this man with interest, but nothing more. Since mid-life spouse’s are very self-absorbed to begin with, he can’t be much support for his druggy friend. The narcissistic tendencies within the mid-life spouse bring forth NO real empathy toward others, and the way he sees it, he has problems of his own–druggy friend had treated him in much this same way–so you know it can’t be that much of a relationship in the first place.

               Mid-life spouses really don’t know how to BE within a relationship-it’s as if they have “lost” the ability to build and maintain various relationships-however, upon further thought, I have come to realize they can’t develop what they never really had in the first place–and this is another aspect they will grow into, given time.

               Because of their state of mind, and their emotional immaturity that was present before they went into the MLC, they never really knew nor had learned that they have to BE a friend, before they can hope to gain a friend–friendships, much like marriages, are built from scratch, a foundation of trust and respect is built, then hardened and strengthened through adverse times-as this is where the friendship is most severely tested–and you begin to know just WHO your friends are, when bad times arrive.

               Those who walk away when times get rough aren’t worth their salt–however, those who stay on, no matter what, are those friends you want to KEEP, and you find there are very few people in this world who will hang tough with you, when the going gets rough. The “fair-weather” variety, are only superficial people, who only like the good, but think the bad is for someone else–NOT THEM.

               I don’t have very many friends–and that is a true measure of my own character, as I pick and choose carefully those whom I will trust–and though my Intuition is helpful in discerning people’s intentions, I’m still guarded within my own heart.

               However, I would rather have a few friends who choose to stick with me through it all, than to have many friends who pay lip-service, while things are good, but then, choose to abandon me long enough for something bad to pass, then try to come back into my good graces–I’ve shut the door on more than a few of those superficial types of people in my day…but usually after three times.

               People can’t learn if you don’t at least give them a second or third chance at learning how to be a true friend–there are some things that are true “deal-breakers”–certain kinds of betrayal such as slanderous rumors, wishy-washy, two-faced and back-biting behaviors are some of those I would consider a true “deal-breaker” because with friends like those, I don’t need any enemies–I would already have them in these so-called “friends.”

               The relationship between ourselves and God, which is built in much the same way; (on good times and weathers the storms of adversity) the only difference is that God loved us FIRST, before we ever knew and learned to love Him-and He will always love us.

               But I digress here.

               Within a time of emotional crisis, most of the mid-life spouse’s connections that are made during this time, are “surface connections” rather than connections made on a deeper emotional level…since they have never really made any real deep connections to begin with–the aspect of developing these kinds would be a foreign concept to them.
               —
               Also, as I looked back upon my situation, or rather, that of my mlcer, I realsised that the first time my mlcer mentioned he wanted to speak to his father so he could clear his head was at the beginning of October last year. Within a few days, his mother provided him with an address. It wasn’t again until february that he asked for it again as he had ‘lost’ the address. So she gave it to him again. In March, she provided him with a phone number for his father.
               Still not doing anything….3 weeks ago, his father rang himself. His mother asked him on monday (while he was off work) and asked if he had rang his dad.
               His answer: I haven’t had time…..

               **He hasn’t had time? That’s a weak excuse–he had time, he just wouldn’t MAKE the time. People find the time to do what they want to do, and it’s all a matter of priorities–nothing else. He didn’t choose to make this aspect a priority, therefore, he didn’t “have time.”

               If he doesn’t find the time, something might happen, making it too late for him to do anything about it, and he’d have to deal with that on top of what he’s already dealing with, and that could do one of two things–push him backward in his progress for a time, or help to push him forward—not enough time has gone by to see what this will do.

               Believe it or not, that’s a narcissistic tendency he was showing–I would need to find the various links where I researched into Narcissism as it relates to the mid-life crisis, and either post those for reference, or write an article on that, and work those links into that.

               Narcissists are so self-absorbed, that when it’s “too late” for something important they needed to do, and they are unable to do it–they’ll first cry they hadn’t had time, but then they’ll say they’re sorry, and cry about it some more within a self-victimized sort of way, expressing heavy regret..…then go right on about their business….

               I have seen it go as far, within the aspect of death, as the narcissistic person actually blaming the person who died for not taking the time to come and see THEM, just so THEY don’t bear any blame at all, or so they think, because they refuse to see the fact they could have reached out, and didn’t–unreal, but it does happen
               —
               
               I say BS! My gut is telling me that he just doesn’t want to do it because he knows that the minute he does, everything will change in his mind and heart and I have this naggy feeling that he is now hiding behind his childhood issues to excuse his bad behaviour. What lead me to think this way is that he often comes up with stories from the past when he finds himself in a pickle either with me, MIL, or the children.
               He has everything he needs to face it all, he has his mother’s support, mine if he wants it, the children’s and quite possibly some of his friends’ as well (I should hope!). His father made the first move -although I think MLCer is exerting control here ie: ”I’ll decide when. I waited years, your turn!”

               **It’s not so much he’s “hiding” behind his childhood issues-but the fact those issues are so painful, they’re hard to see, much less deal with.

               Has it occurred to you, that you’re not talking to your mid-life spouse when he’s gets in a pickle with you, MIL, and children? I would venture to speculate you’re speaking with one of the children, hence the stories from the past that comes up when he gets in trouble in some way.

               These times of trouble, “trigger” the protective instincts of these past “children”, and it’s part of what they were “created” for–to “shield” the mid-life spouse against painful things–when he gets trouble, this attacks his perceived unworthiness, then triggers an issue forth–probably one of abandonment is my guess–and the CHILD tells the story, not the adult.
               I’ve had many such conversations with “children” over time–it’s interesting to “see” the child come to “life” in their eyes.
               —
               I understand that mlc takes time, that time during mlc takes a whole new meaning, that things don’t resolve overnight etc….But really? He has had so many opportunities to do something about it since October- 8-9 months? Really?

               I also have a feeling that his anger has become and his best friend and he doesn’t want to let go because if he does, what does he have? Just a lot of hurt he cannot face.

               **Be patient, and be still for now, Boo. This is where we learn to really let go, and trust God with our mid-life spouse, Boo. It’s not easy, because we often feel we’re living in limbo, we feel that God is not being “fair and just”, and that He is allowing these things to continue happening, because He doesn’t seem to care.

               However, that’s not really it. God cares so very much for all of us, and He knows what we’re going through, because He, too, walked these same roads—different situation, same feelings, same rejection, same hurt, same sorrow.
               He deals with rejection every day, plus, He deals with people who don’t wish to return to Him every day, and patiently He waits, even as circumstances surrounding these people become worse over time, because of things THEY do to THEMSELVES through the wrong choices THEY MAKE.

               He will step back and let a wrongdoer run the entire gauntlet of sin, and in time, hang themselves—sometimes that’s the ONLY way they’ll learn anything, is by reaching the end of the line, hitting the bottom, and bouncing a few times.
               However, as always, it’s up to them, and not to us. All we can do is continue the ongoing work within ourselves, and change what we can control (ourselves), let go of what we can’t (our mid-life spouse), and trust God for the future.

               It’s all anyone can do on any given day.
               —
               His mother is getting impatient with him. She wants to put it all to rest before she leaves this world. There has been some strange questions asked by her family and mlcer’s father himself such as:”What does mlcer look like? Does he look like his father?”……Which lead us to think that there must be doubts about DNA here.
               MIL said that she has had enough of it all and wants it sorted. I guess she feels this involves her, too, and I guess it does. It affects us all and mlcer is dragging his heels and knuckles.
               So she is going to confront him about it. Tell him that she wants it all out in the open and sorted before she dies(she is 62 and not too healthy) and she is buying a DNA test that mlcer can take along with him.

               I’m not sure it is a good idea at all but if it is what she wants to do, I canot stop her. I see it as interfering but at the same time I guess she is very much involved in this.
               It may make him run further but she thinks he needs to hear it because she thinks he is delaying things deliberately to control everyone and because she believes he doesn’t want to let go of his anger.

               **Sounds like your mother in law has many regrets to work through for herself, too. Well, when it all comes down to it, what your mid-life spouse does directly affects them, while carrying out the “ripple effect” against the rest of their family in an indirect way.

               What he’s doing, or not doing, isn’t really going to hurt any of you….but it will hurt him, and because of this perceived hurt that may not be as bad as his mind has blown it up to be, he has slapped a controlling boundary on, through the dragging of his feet.

               What you would want, is NOT what he would give—and what you don’t want, is the first thing you’d get…that’s the MLC opposite way of doing things.. What’s wrong, they’ll do, and what’s right, they’ll fight.
               Nothing any of you can do, except get on with your lives, and wait to see what he’s going to do going forward.

               —
               Anyway, that is if he goes and sees her. He has withdrawn from us both for a good 5-6 weeks now.
               I’m keeping away and quiet. Finding it hard but plodding along. I’m sure I am somewhere on his radar, in a nicely tucked away part of his mlc cheese brain.

               **He has a lot to face, and process….and again this takes time, as always–time is what you have to work with, Boo.
               —
               So my question today is, I guess, is he stuck, HB? Or is this pretty much FOO issues facing standards/timescale? His father is in his early 70’s…..He might want to hurry!
               Thank you for listening, HB, as always. 🙂
               Boo xx

               **Is he stuck? No, he’s not stuck–if he were stuck, he would already have gone into a clearly recognizable emotional cycle…and he’s not done that—in other words, you’re not getting this sense of déjà vu (I’ve been here before, more than once).

               What comes to me is this is an extremely painful family of origin (FOO) issue, and it’s taking some time for him to get his head around it–but he will…there’s nothing right now you can do to trigger him into his facing–he has to do this on his own, or not–his choice.

               I agree, he might want to hurry, but time means nothing to mid-life spouses, and all we can do is leave them to it, let them fall if necessary, but if they’re not ready to face, we can’t “make” them do it.

               I hope this helps, Boo, and I hope this answer was worth the wait–I had everything you could think of happen today, and I would write, the phone would ring, I would get an email that needed my attention then my better half would call, and need me to do something for him–and things kept coming and coming.

               I’m finally done, though so you can read. I clean forgot I was supposed to edit that other comment…I will remove it as long as I upload this one. 🙂
               ((hugs)) to you..always a pleasure to talk to you, Boo.

Comments are closed.