Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Annette

Hi Annette!
I apologize for not making it back when I thought I would–I had a number of things happen that needed my attention.
Here are my thoughts for what they are worth. 🙂
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Dear HB,
Thank you so much for this site. Where would I be without you? I was introduced to this site by my very dear friend, going through a similar situation, so sad.
I really don’t know where to begin, I guess the beginning. I hope I don’t get long winded. Feels like there is so much information, yet still so much confusion.
Approximately two years ago I started noticing a disconnect from my husband, just did not seem present. I would always ask what was wrong and the response was always nothing, I’m fine. Also during this time my husband was in a car accident that resulted in his car being written off and then two days later his grandpa passed away.
During this time of disconnect, he brought home a little gift from a lady a work, a t-shirt. I questioned the gift and he got rather upset and said it just a t-shirt, but I thought it was a little too personal of a gift. Then, came the baked goods and the mention of her name quite often.
I began to tell my Husband that I thought this friendship was a little inappropriate. I asked if she was married and what her husband thought of her buying my him gifts and he very defensively said I don’t know.
I was new to all this behavior and really knew very little about Midlife crisis.
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**Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing very little to nothing about the mid-life crisis–many people come in wondering if it were something THEY did that was wrong, when it wasn’t anything they did in the first place.

From your description, these two had started as friends, and it must have progressed from there. You had every right to question what was going on–it was him that got all upset and defensive. A normal person would have stopped it at the T-Shirt when he saw his wife was getting upset. However, because his state of mind had already begun down a road of total disconnect, your feelings, nor opinion no longer mattered to him—

It’s a strange thing to watch someone in MLC…it’s as if right and wrong gets buried or even “lost” under entitlement feelings, justifications, and when the spouse gets upset, to the mid-life spouse that’s a whole lot “better” because in their minds–if my wife/husband wouldn’t do this, I would do that, and they “made” me do what I did–when that’s not true at all..no one “makes” anyone do anything–all actions and reactions are chosen…but the mid-life spouse will try and make you think you caused them to do what they did…their minds games are something to behold.
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My husband then started to withdraw when attending family events and then claimed that my family didn’t like him. I thought this was strange because we have been married 15 years and he never seemed to have a problem going to family functions before. The other BIG issue was that my dad used to come to our home every Saturday evening for about 3 hours to hang out with us and the kids. About 7 years into our marriage this started to be a problem with my husband. He didn’t like it, but I didn’t know how to tell my dad not to come over anymore, because quite frankly I enjoyed him coming to see the kids and the kids absolutely loved seeing him every Saturday for a few hours. Anyway that was a bit of back ground.

**and the emotional “gap” widened, as he detached himself further from you and family events, using his continuing skewed perception that your family didn’t “like” him as an excuse–in fact, even at that time, he was projecting himself…as far as your dad was concerned, your husband began to show selfishness, because he did not want to “share” his time with his kids with your dad….however, he expected you to “speak” for him, and that wasn’t going to happen. Your husband was wanting to control when your dad came to your house, and when–and that was YOUR dad, NOT HIS.

It’s not like your dad was dropping in every day of the week…this was about your husband wanting control, and because you weren’t going to do what HE wanted, when HE wanted it done–it increased his inward rebellion
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My husband told me on December 29, 2013 that he didn’t love me and hasn’t for two years. I was shocked. He never acted like a man not in love. In fact in 15 years of marriage I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had. Of course we had disagreements but very few arguments. We were soo in love. He always told me he was a lucky man always hugging me loving on me and telling me how beautiful I was, almost daily.

**Food for thought, but the best way to tell if a marriage will head into crisis at a later time is to look at their history of arguments/disagreements–if there are very few to none, something is seriously wrong, not so much with their communication, but within the area of emotional trust and emotional intimacy. Conversely, if they are fighting all of the time, something would be also be wrong…but in a healthy relationship there should be a certain amount of argument/fighting/disagreement, and it should be exercised…to clear the air of issues, and to give each person a chance to speak for themselves without fear of abandonment.

When couples don’t fight at all or fight very little, it’s because one or both is afraid to really express how they really feel–a “record” of no arguments or few arguments isn’t a good record, not for a long term marriage–each person is a separate mind, and separate minds will not, and should not, always agree. Marriages of this type are usually “ticking time bombs” as it’s only a matter of time before one or the other blows outward, because people continue changing as they grow older, and one of the justifications of the MLC spouse is often, “You never listened to me!”

However, if a person doesn’t open their mouth, how are you going to listen in the first place?
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On December 29 it was like a light switch went on and he became an angry hostile man. Within the two years I caught him a couple of lies. Now he lies all the time and has become so secretive as well.

**Because he knew this was wrong, and I’m assuming he had this other woman already in the picture, his guilt, and shame made him extremely angry at himself, and of course, he took it out on the one person who had always been there…you, his wife, and best friend.
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My Parents sent me away for a few days, because I just could not stop crying and I was so very sad. They said go away for a few days and rejuvenate. While I was gone, my husband change the email address for me to access our cell phone account and also told me that his parents told him to open up another bank account to get all his ducks in a row. Again I was shocked. Now his parents are turning on me. I couldn’t believe my ears.

**OK, so your husband locked the cell phone account, because of course, he was hiding something…and I’m wondering if his parents really DID tell him to open up another bank account..and you know this for SURE-or just from what HE said? I’d say he was lying about that, too, or IF they really did it, he lied to THEM about something. Don’t be so quick to assume a MLC spouse is truthful with anyone–when their lips are moving, they are most likely lying to someone–mostly themselves.

. I literally have done everything for my husband for all these years. I have been a great wife and took good care of him.

**Please don’t take this wrong, but your husband has a LOT of growing up to do–he was never put in a place of standing on his own…he’d always had it “done” for him–and so he never really “grew up” emotionally–he was always under someone’s thumb, whether his mom’s or yours. To explain, when men aren’t taught to do for themselves by their moms–when they get grown (in body, but not always emotionally), these immature men, simply trade their mom for their wife, and they often choose someone who will be a lot like their mom.

You can tell a lot about the mom who raised a man by how the man has “become”–and you can also tell if the mom taught the man to stand on his own. If a man can’t stand, then it’s because he was never taught these things. Parents were never designed to continually ‘raise’ a child throughout life–there is a relational shift of dynamics where they should become more of a cheerleader and more of an equal with their grown child, than a parent…and the parent must be willing to make this shift.

If not, it’s because the parents can’t let go of their child, and in turn, the grown child is unable to let go of them–they transfer these co-dependent tendencies onto their spouse–and shift the relationship in such a way that their spouse is carrying ALL responsibility, while they do as little as possible–just to “get by”…it’s one of the ingredients of a future MLC…but again, this began in childhood.

It is an imbalanced relationship, when you have one person in a marriage doing all of the giving, and the other doing all of the taking.

As his wife, you’d always had a responsibility TO your husband, but never for him—and since you did everything for him–in essence, you “mothered” him, without realizing that was what you were doing.
We were not put here on this earth to take care “of” anyone–we’re here to care “for” our loved ones..and that’s one of the lessons we learn during the MLC.
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For the next few months we had some yelling matches, ashamed to say some with the kids in the home, however he still kissed me goodnight. Kissed me good bye when he was going to work, but never ever said he loved me. We went to counselling mid-February and that is when everything changed. My husband told the counselor that he was 90% done, he couldn’t be married to someone who didn’t know him, he can’t be himself around me. I didn’t know his love language, his hobby. My family and I treated him like garbage and he didn’t want to be around me. And the biggest reason for him leaving me was because I wouldn’t do anything with him on a Saturday night. He blamed me for the marriage break up. He is an extreme introvert and has no friends. He blames me for him not having any friends. He blamed me for everything and said that this was all my fault because I didn’t respect him. I was crushed and really didn’t know what to say during that session. The counselor pretty much said don’t come back until we did a trial separation for a least a month. We never went back.

**Of course not–the counselor couldn’t help either one of you, because neither one of you were helping yourselves. Your husband was so busy blaming you he couldn’t see past himself, plus he was in MLC,(mid-life spouses don’t want or “need” help), and you were so upset, you couldn’t see past him.

Everything he spewed to the counselor stung of some truth—especially when he said you didn’t know him—and if you were honest, you really DON’T know him right now–he’s become a total stranger. However, much of this spew was justification for his mistreatment of you.
AND–he had the other woman on the side.
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He decided to seek legal counsel and do a permanent separation. He then started lying about going to the local book store to which later I found out that is where he was having his little rendezvous with the OW.
He told me she was his best friend and that he could tell her anything, but he can’t tell me anything. He also told me she spends time with him on a Saturday night. And they exchange little gifts all the time.
OW is divorced, her husband left her for another woman and now she is dating my husband.
They spend every other weekend together, while her kids are with their dad.
Often times when he comes home from his little rendezvous with OW he has an apology.
The first apology came in February that he was sorry for all the lies.
The second apology came in March for being so hostile and angry towards me. Both times, I accepted his apologies.

**I’d speculate that he and the other woman must have had a fight each time he apologized to you. Each time, he thought to return for good. Each time, all he really had was a moment of clarity–guilt and shame overtook him…but instead of straightening himself out, he went right back to her as per his addiction to how she made him feel. They patched it up, and kept going, both times….
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My Family has reached out to him, my dad apologizing for any part he may have had in this situation. My brother who lives in another country apologized for not being more present when he would come to visit. I apologized for all the hurt he claims I caused him. For the first 3 months I took all the blame felt horrible about myself and truly felt I was to blame. Never once did he accept any of our apologies.

**NONE of you were NOT at fault, therefore he was NOT owed an apology–HE was the one doing wrong, and his entitlement thinking withheld accepting any apologies from anyone, because of pride and arrogance on his part.
When you apologized you were taking responsibility for him–where you had none, and you also took all of the blame…I know you didn’t know.

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I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago after fainting in a parking lot. All this is taking a toll on me physically. I was diagnosed with having several blood clots on both my lungs. I was in the hospital for a whole week. Normally he would never leave my side. He only took one day off work to be with our boys and came to the hospital every evening he said, to bring the boys. Stay 30 mins.-an hour each evening. Just didn’t seem to care. Everyone thought this would be a wakeup call for my him and that he would want to stay with me to help me re cooperate and instead he wants to move sooner rather than later. I found out after I got home from the hospital that my he and the OW have shared a kiss. He claims they have only kissed, my heart wants to believe him, but I don’t know. They have late late nights. He has promised me twice that he would stop spending these late nights with her, because my kids are seeing him disappear every other weekend. As a matter of fact that is when the third apology came. He woke me up after coming home at 1 am, saying sorry for being such a prick lately. The next day he was back to his disconnected ways. You see other than spending every lunch hour together, their out of work meetings are only done when her kids are with their dad because she doesn’t want her kids to know that she is cheating with another woman’s husband.

**By the time you ended up in the hospital, he was so far into his MLC, he’d already moved beyond your emotional reach. It also sounds like that affair is running way hot right now…and the OW has some semblance of shame, or she wouldn’t care if her kids saw what she was doing….
All you’re describing, is part and parcel within the MLC, Annette.
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My Kids are seeing this destructive behavior and he just doesn’t seem to care. I called his parents and asked then to please speak some common sense into him. My boys are 14 and 11 and are not use to seeing this kind of behavior from their dad, to which my mother in law says to me: “ we love you, but he is our son, and I will not talk to him. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions. I thought these people really loved me. We got along great, but now, wow I question whether the really liked me at all. I am not expecting them to take my side, just an acknowledgment that they are sad to see what is happening. Instead he is being encouraged to leave me. I just can’t figure out why. My husband will only talk to three people, his parents and the OW, the asunder’s/enablers.

**The fact that his parents wouldn’t speak to him about this, upon your request, is about them–NOT YOU. His mom is exactly RIGHT in what she said. You asked them, and they said no, so respect that, and don’t make it about you, nor about whether they love you or not–this has nothing to do you…they choose not to get involved, and that is their business, Annette…when their son left their household, he became accountable for himself.

This is also not about taking sides either–the problems in the marriage are between YOU AND HIM–His parents, NOR your parents should be involved in this at all….too much trouble comes when outside people start interfering, and it makes an already bad situation, much worse.

You’re taking this personally–when it is NOT about you–this is about your husband, his crisis, his problem. The last thing is that blood is always thicker than water, and his parents seem to be afraid they will lose their son’s love if they don’t go along with this–even that is wrong, but that is the way it is.

Anyway, let me get on with My Questions.

My husband has apologized to me three times for his behavior over the last 2 years and months. Seems so sincere and then goes right back to the crazy behavior? The apologies only come after he has spent the evening with OW. Is it guilt?

**It’s guilt AND shame-Annette, and a fight with the OW that mostly brought that on.

He tried to fix himself by apologizing, but it didn’t “fix” it–his problem still exists, because he still has unfaced issues within himself. You can’t fix him, because you didn’t break him, Annette. He has to learn this for himself…and the emotional battle within, is HIS, not yours.

In these times of clarity, he would be sincere–but the pull of his ongoing MLC, AND the addiction of his ongoing affair were too strong, and are too strong, so he goes back.

The affair must run its course…and there’s not one thing you can do about it.
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He wrote me an email saying sometimes he doesn’t know what he is doing.

**His awareness comes and goes because of the depression within himself that causes his thinking to become clouded–however, MLC spouses are aware of what they do when they do it…and when they say they don’t know what they’re doing–in a way it’s truth, but in another way, it’s a lie, because they are currently unable to face themselves.
Doesn’t really matter what he says, you have no control of what he does in the first place, AND he’s in a major mid-life crisis.
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We have not had sex since November. Does he not miss having sex with me? Or having sex at all. I mean he is a man who liked having sex.

**When the mid-life transition/crisis gets underway, it becomes a world of opposites-where he was once attracted to you, you are no longer an attraction for him–not said to hurt you, but said as truth-you can’t make someone be attracted to you when they are not….the next possibility is that he’s most likely suffering from a hormonal imbalance…and the other possibility is that he could be having sex with her, and lying to you about it.
A lot of changes go on during this time…
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If I am changing he makes a beeline out of our room, like he is cheating on OW and doesn’t want to see me even in bra and undies,

**Since he is deep within this current affair–in his mind, he does consider any sight of you changing or otherwise as “cheating” on the OW….his mind and heart are turned completely toward her for the moment, and until this shifts in a different direction, he will remain this way…this is not about you–this is about HIM.

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He loves to rewrite history. I have acknowledged my wrongs and told him I am not going to take the blame for things I do not remember. Now he says I have selective memory. Will he ever remember the truth?

**It’s not that he “loves” rewrite history–he’s DRIVEN to rewrite history–more for his remaining sanity than anything else. ALL mid-life spouses do this–his rewriting of history within any aspect of bad behavior, including his affair, is for the purpose of justification– when there is NO justification. As far as you are concerned, you could acknowledge for the rest of your life, and if his state of mind hasn’t changed, you would be wasting your breath, because he’s projecting on you–saying you have selective memory, when it’s really HIM.

On the other hand, since you have acknowledged your “wrongs”–how do you plan to work on these for yourself?
He will remember the truth WHEN his state of mind changes…and I’m looking at your timeline, and you’re way early in this, Annette, barely five, six months since you were emotionally bombed. It’s going to be a while before this happens, if it ever happens, but you can’t let that stop you from getting a life for yourself, and letting him go into the hands of the Lord to work with.

It’s obvious, you are carrying a lot of guilt over something that is HIS fault–however, since no one is perfect, you would need to begin examining yourself to see the areas within yourself that need growth and improvement within yourself.
When he put you on this road that was not of your own making, he made this all about you, just like his crisis is all about him..you can’t do one thing for him, but you can learn to do everything for yourself.

All you’ve ever really known is him, and I don’t think you’ve ever really had a life outside of being a mother, a wife, and your identity is tied up in both of those–but honey, you’re so much MORE than that.
You need to learn to detach from his situation, let him go, and let God deal with him, while you learn to deal with yourself.
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He has been trying to leave since April 1 and every time he tries something happens and prevents the move. I think it’s a God thing. He was to move out June 1, and his apartment fell through. Now he is planning for July1.

**Apparently, it’s not in His Will that this man is to leave, Annette. There is something preventing this from happening–God has ways of orchestrating circumstances in such a way that lead toward failure. There is a reason for this, and what comes to me, is PRIDE in your husband—and you simply need to stand by and watch what happens, because I believe his failures will continue—it must be tied into something else that’s about to happen…but I wouldn’t even begin to know what that was.

Give that man to the LORD! Let Him work on him.
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I find it so hard to have him in the home still, but at the same time I don’t want him to go. And my kids definitely don’t want him to go. They are so scared and praying hard.

**The best way to learn the lessons of life is to directly deal with a given problem. MLC spouses are definitely a given problem, by virtue of being difficult people to deal with. However, this is how the majority of our emotional growth is achieved…by direct dealing, and learning how to cope with mood swings-and learning how to set limits on bad behavior–except for the mid-life affair…you cannot set a boundary on it, because it’s not “direct” behavior–it directly affects him, because he’s engaged, but it would only indirectly affect you, only because you’re still married to him, and he destroyed his vows when he set the marriage asunder.

Looking at your comment about the kids praying again, it just dawned on me why your husband is having so much trouble trying to move out—your children are beseeching God heavily, and that is one strong factor in their favor.
God will not tamper with free will, although He will orchestrate circumstances surrounding given situations, AND He will work in hearts–I would also suggest googling The Hedge of Thorns prayer, and begin praying this in earnest…it’s based on Hosea.

Also, go read Proverbs–there is a LOT of information within that book on the MLC, the other woman, and it’s a wisdom-filled reading.
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I still cook his meals and do his laundry. I run our home as if everything is normal. We even still share a bed, all advice from the Christian counselor I have been seeing. Many have asked me why? Quite honestly I just don’t have it in me to do anything differently. He says he struggles with the fact that I am so nice to him, even with all we are going through.

**Still sharing a bed is one thing. However, your husband is involved within an affair, and doing his best to try and get out of the house, and you’re wondering why? It’s not all about the affair—why are you still doing the same things you’ve done for all these years.

Why can’t your husband learn to do for himself? Yes, he’s struggling with you being so nice to him..struggling so much he wants to leave…you’re smothering him in this way.

You have not gotten to the place of understanding that you were NOT put here to do everything for him…as his wife you have a responsibility TO him–but he needs to learn to do for himself. You do need to STOP doing everything for him–it’s just as emotionally dangerous to do everything as it is to do nothing.

He’s not your child, but you’re mothering him…STOP…that’s a major part of their rebellion, and part of their struggle of figuring out who they are without us. If we are doing everything for them, what is left for them to learn to do for themselves? What would he do if you weren’t there? He would learn to do for himself, or in his case, he’d probably run home to Mama….

I want you to think about what I’m telling you–you apparently suffer from very poor boundaries, because you never learned how to set any. You think that if you don’t “do” for everybody, you’re not going to be liked…and you carry out acts of service designed to make YOU feel better…

Stop catching the “footballs” for everybody, and stop carrying the entire burden of everything. You’re hurting yourself when you carry everything that isn’t all yours to bear.
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He sometimes looks at me with such hate. And then at times acts so concerned about my well being and always want to know my whereabouts, when he lies to me about his. Lately however there is less hate the hatred look and now just blame avoidance. However in a warp sort of way he still acts so concerned about me. He definitely acts as if there is no love and has told me a few times that he doesn’t love me anymore.

**He looks at you with hate, because honestly, in the state of mind he’s in, he does hate you, as per his skewed and changed perception, and opposite way of thinking..but then guilt and shame take over, and then he becomes controlling…he wants you to tell him everything, while he tells you nothing, and/or lies constantly.

You need to stop telling him everything–he lost the right to know anything when he turned on you AND started an affair. You don’t tell him he’s lost the right, you simply begin breaking the habit of transparency. As long as he knows everything you’re doing, what incentive does he have to change anything he is doing?
IF you don’t make some changes, you’d lose him eventually anyway, because what we attain easily, we soon disrespect….and he’s really disrespecting you right now.

Food for thought–he doesn’t know what love is, doesn’t love himself, so how could he love you? He’s not as concerned about you as you might think—he’s more worried about keeping you in the place you’re in so he can continue to have his justification for what he’s doing, and also keep his OW, while he also has you.
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He says he wants his apartment to be close to me and our boys in case we need him. Why would he want to be close when he really only wants to be with OW?

**He says a lot of things that don’t jibe doesn’t he? He wants the apartment so he can have his space–but he wants it close, so he can continue to control you…however, OW is nothing more than a band-aid, a distraction, someone he can use for how she makes him feel….

However, in his mind, he can’t live with you, because you’re “too nice” to him–so he’s disrespecting you by treating you like dirt, and then trying so hard to walk out on you–and that’s assuming that God allows his plans to go through, and doesn’t orchestrate yet another delay.
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He doesn’t want much of anything from our home and says he only wants two pictures of me to put in the boys room when they come to visit him. Hurtful.

**This is all about HIM–this has NOTHING to do with you–and the more quickly you figure that out, the better off you’re going to be. As long as you take this into yourself, internalize and make it about you…you will never progress forward in your own personal journey. You need to begin to learn to separate yourself emotionally from your husband. You’re seeing what he’s doing, and still blaming yourself–when again, this is NOT about you.
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I want to detach, but I don’t know how.

**Emotional Detaching is a process–emotional distancing is too, and they both require a conscious decision to LET GO of your personal expectations within a given situation. You expect your husband to do what’s right, and because he doesn’t do right, you get hurt…why? Because you expect him to do something that’s beyond your control in the first place…be the man he should be for you. You don’t have control over that.

In order to detach, you have to first recognize that you have NO control over your husband, and all control over yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes time, but this is for your mental health, and the preservation of your positive mental attitude, Annette. As long as you continue taking everything he does, and making it all about you, you won’t be able to let go, detach, and distance from what he’s doing.

Hurt that leads to anger is often the result of failed expectations, but that hurt and anger aren’t going to bother him, nor hurt him–they’re only going to hurt YOU..you are the one who’s crying yourself to sleep at night, and you are the one who is constantly angry…and in the end, if your health fails even more, it will be YOU that suffers, not him…and your kids need you to be there with them–and they are MORE important than a man who is treating you as if you don’t exist at times..

He’s trying to control you, because he’s throwing you enough crumbs to keep you there—and he’s confusing you at times, because at times he acts like he wants you, and at other times he acts like he doesn’t…and this is ‘mixed messages’ on his part, because he really doesn’t know what he wants…so you let him go, don’t pursue, don’t ask him questions, and again, separate yourself from him….you need to find that identity you lost in him, and reclaim it for yourself.
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I have yelled and screamed, I have begged and pleaded, I have cried and cried. Even called the OW and asked her to hold off on their rendezvous until he moves out. It just hurts my heart to see him out til 1 am every other Saturday. My husband has not shed one tear in these last 5 months. Who is this man?

**I know what he isn’t—any kind of man who treats his wife badly isn’t a good man at all…not matter what you knew him to be before his MLC.

Let me ask you–what good did all that yelling, screaming, begging, pleading, crying and crying, and even sacrificing your self-respect in calling the OW to ask her anything do for you?

I cannot believe you called the OW and ASKED her this—Annette, WHO do you think SHE IS, that you, the wife, have to call and ask the OW anything? That woman is NOT your problem, she is your husband’s problem, and you don’t call and ask her anything….food for thought.
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How could he be so in love and in six months’ time change soooooo drastically?

**Very simple–he was in the mid-life crisis LONG before he dropped the emotional bomb on you..and when his behavior with this woman escalated into this affair, it brought about a heavy confusion, and led into his bombing of you. His feelings changed, Annette, and this happened over time…this never happens all at once…again, you saw the signs of this long before he did what he did.

Ok Let me give you some time to digest this crazy detailed email.

**Wasn’t crazy, although it was detailed..however, I like detailed, because it gave me a lot of insight on you and him. Annette, you do need to let go of this situation, and get your feet set upon your journey forward.
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Still in love despite all I’m going through. Still praying he will have an epiphany. I am absolutely devastated. Need to detach, but I just really don’t know how.

**Well, the first thing I’m going to tell you is that there will not be a “road to Damascus” experience–I know many women hope for that…and there will NOT be an “epiphany,” because it doesn’t work that way either.

As far as being in love on your own part–not enough time has gone by to shatter the “rose-colored glasses that hide all the truth”…you’ve not seen the reality of yourself, nor the reality of this man yet…and love is still truly blinding your eyes at the moment….in time that should change, once you begin your journey to wholeness and healing.

Time and growth are the major factors in the mid-life crisis–that and coming into a time of understanding what you would need to do for yourself. Your husband is completely beyond your emotional reach at this time, and you’ll need to let him go into the hands of the only person who can help him–GOD in all His grace and mercy.

I can understand the fact you’re devastated. However, there is hope as long as you still love him, Annette.

I also realize you’re still early in this, but you’re still clinging to him, and even if you’re not touching him, your attitude is showing attachment, and he can’t take it–that’s also why he’s wanting to run away.
You need to back up and away from him, give him space, give him time, don’t ask questions, and don’t do anymore than you would have to do for him.

Learn to break those habits of “catching the footballs” you’ve been catching all these years, and begin letting him reap what he’s sown in irresponsibility–you’re not his rescuer, nor his guardian, or keeper. You seek to help him, and he doesn’t want your help. Back off of him…and again, let him go…you can do nothing for him but everything for yourself.
I hope all this helps.

((hugs))