From an older forum post (All Sermons on One Thread) written in 2002–edited for flow, continuity, and acronyms
This concerns placing blame and anger totally on the other woman, instead of directing it toward the SOURCE-the wayward mid-life spouse in an affair.
This sermon caused some controversy on the thread it was posted on-but it was necessary. I didn’t want to offend anyone, and still don’t-it was part of the lessons I learned-and anyone can still learn from this. Don’t get “stuck” in misdirected anger, learn to face the actual SOURCE that started this whole mess: the wayward mid-life spouse involved in an affair.
Now, one other thing, and this is based on many posts I have seen:
Why do you ladies place ALL the blame on, and direct your anger at, the other woman? I’m just curious about that-or maybe that is something you have to learn about–at first, it’s understandable to be angry at just the other woman, but then the Lord helped me realize the fault laid with the adulterous mid-life spouse-HE was the one who started this, not her.
The other woman carries some of the blame once she knows for sure the mid-life spouse is married but chooses not to let go-I don’t believe she KNEW until he was ready to break it off. Within the aspect of taking the path of least resistance, the mid-life spouse often sets the affair partner up to reject them, and it almost always backfires on them.
However, the total BLAME for beginning the whole sordid situation lays on the mid-life spouse. So, he needs to be the target for the left-behind spouse’s anger, NOT the other woman. Sure, she might have known or not known, the mid-life spouse was married, and still tried to hang on, but you have got to see where it all began: the adulterous mid-life spouse. That’s who started this whole mess.
The brunt of your anger needs to be directed toward the wayward mid-life spouse-see what I’m trying to tell you?
The entire fault for starting the affair lays with the wayward mid-life spouse. Your husbands made a choice that led down this particular this path, and when you direct ALL the blame on the other woman, and put NONE on him-you are defeating the purpose of understanding exactly who is at fault, and living in denial. Reality MUST be seen for what it is-the wayward mid-life spouse has committed the MOST selfish act there can be:
Breaking their marriage vows and putting the marriage asunder in the losing of their commitment. You have EVERY right to be ANGRY at your wayward mid-life spouse!
Work through your feelings, reach forgiveness for your husband and the other woman, then let it go, because you can’t change the past. You must now look to the future, that is the one thing you CAN change.
Don’t allow this aspect to wield power over you-you’ve got enough on your plate as it is.
More on understanding the affair partner, the wayward mid-life spouse,and what they think they need from each other:
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But when all was said and done, I DID overcome-and see the other woman in a different light than I did before-and without hate and resentment in my heart toward her–she is to be pitied rather than hated, because her problems are much bigger than ours will ever be.
We are learning what we need for this life, while the other woman stumbles along in the dark, never understanding why she cannot be happy with what she is doing with married men-using them for MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
You still think this is all about sex? Think again-sex, most of the time has NOTHING to do with it-it is only used as a “weapon” a last resort to try and keep the man–mostly what the other woman is after is the MONEY she can get from a man-and if that is the ONLY thing she gets she can be happy with that. She only uses her sexuality to try and keep them, and most of the time she will get dumped like a rock, always being left behind.
I’m not saying they are ALL not interested in sex, but think about it–it is true that some will be happy with just getting MONEY from the married men-as they are concerned with THEMSELVES, and not the man-and the bad part is that when the other woman is finished USING the man,she will dump him and walk away without a second look, because he has served his purpose with her-she has found something she considers “better”.
The description above is the other woman’s idea of “True Luv”-they have NO idea what love really entails-and so they equate it with “using”.
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I recall posting one time that “neurotics attract neurotics” and that is VERY true in the mid-life crisis. The other woman has problems, the mid-life spouse has problems and for a time, they meet needs within each other.
The other woman is not looking for anything EXCEPT what SHE perceives SHE needs-and the mid-life spouse is doing the same thing with her.
Most of the time NEITHER one is aware they are “using” each other-until the affair begins to dissolve.
I understand, too, that is NOT always this cut and dried and black and white, but it IS an underlying reason the other woman takes up with men that look less than desirable-they are not so much concerned with that as they are with MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
One of the first things the other woman tries to find out is how much money they have and have no shame about begging them out of it, because she perceives that as “being kept”, and ultimately that is what she is after.
She has NO interest in really pursuing a committed relationship, she is just as selfish as the mid-life spouse has become while deep within the tunnel of his ongoing crisis.
When the affair dissolves, because the mid-life spouse has “outgrown” this aspect, she is outraged because her “meal ticket” has just gone out the window, and she engages in “pursuing behaviors” mostly for that reason.
Of course, being the broken person she is, she refuses to take her half of the blame-ALL the blame goes on the married man who has left her high and dry. She is ANGRY because he is no longer there to “keep her” in the lifestyle she is accustomed to.
I am convinced this is NOT all about sex-it is about selfishness, using and obsession. Not to mention addiction, misplaced responsibility, and total immaturity on the part of both people.
Yes, the affair meets some needs, but disregards others-and the “caring, love and intimacy” that helps a relationship get off the ground and grow is NOT there.
Their “true luv affair” is mostly built on the sands of deception, the “what’s in it for me?” routine, and both do not care who they hurt.
This was the answer a poster provided to my question-and I added it in for additional help in “letting go” of the resentment and ill-will that is sometimes transferred solely to the other woman:
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Why do you ladies place ALL the blame, and direct your anger at the other woman?
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I have done much thinking on this for two years as the the other woman has been so central to my story, though as you say…just a symptom.
The main reason is because it is easier to hate her than our husbands. We are emotionally attached to our husband and aren’t to the other woman so it costs us less pain to focus our hate on her (for whom we do not care) than on our husband who have done a heinous thing to us. Our husband’s betrayal is very personal as he was the one who promised to love, honor, cherish us and forsake all others. He knew our heart and did it anyway. AHHHHHH!
This is hard to bear.
Secondly, though I realize this is sexist, I think the media at least has portrayed men as being highly controlled by their sex hormones and on some level they cant help it (lame I know…they can help it…) Somehow I think we tend to think the other woman should know better and it is an offense to treat a female sister like this.
