Learning to experience, and become, the opposite or other side of Self, is one of the lessons learned during the journey toward wholeness and healing.
This lesson is actually about finding your emotional balance, which cannot occur until you willingly explore both sides of yourself–experiencing, and temporarily becoming the opposite actually comes during your own journey. It’s not necessarily something you would do consciously–more like subconsciously, as your inner Self begins exposing you as you were in the past, as you are now, and as you should become in the future.
As far as your midlife spouse is concerned, and how you deal with him from this place of ongoing emotional growth–well, all negative emotions, that are too easily fallen into, would be completely (and temporarily) set aside in favor of positive emotions, which would act as a draw or attraction toward your husband/wife.
We do need to return to an earlier time in our lives, and emotionally find the person we were that attracted our spouses in the beginning–we didn’t smother, cover, control, nor manipulate our spouses when we were dating them, did we? No, we put our best foot forward, didn’t act needy, and we were an emotional draw for them.
Pushing, pressuring, anger, and asking questions the midlife spouse is not ready to answer, or won’t answer, will only serve to drive them away, because those things are controlling, and manipulating.
No one likes to be controlled, manipulated, pushed, or pressured when we’re not ready to face and confront ourselves.
In Self-Honesty, you cannot say you have not ever done something you knew was wrong, that you held back for a time until YOU were ready to bring it out in the open, and talk about it. Until that time, nothing could make you, force you, nor coerce you into facing, and confronting yourself before taking it out in the open. After which time, you were able to ask God for forgiveness first, then ask forgiveness from the person you wronged. It’s the same thing with the midlife spouse, and don’t tell me that it’s not the same, because it is, too. ALL sin bears equal weight, regardless, and we have ALL sinned, and come short of the Glory of God at different times in our lives.
We have ALL lied by commission, by omission, and withheld the truth in various ways, because of fear that we would either get in trouble, or lose something. And for some of us, we stayed quiet until the heat died down, then talked about it—an emotional issue within ourselves was triggered each time, and in self-protection, we stayed silent until we felt emotionally “safe” enough to expose ourselves. Some things we never talked about, and some things we never told in full.
Anybody who says they’ve never done this, would be lying, because I hadn’t seen anyone yet, who is PERFECT—NO ONE has attained that particular status in this life. There was only one perfect person, and He has now gone back to be with His Father in Heaven. This was something I was reminded of as I spoke of being kept in the dark, not knowing all the answers to my questions, basically, not knowing everything, but it was not meant for me to know everything, so I did have to accept that.
God asked me a very loaded question–I covered it in the aforementioned paragraphs, “Have you not done things that you either never spoke about, spoke in partial truth about, or outright lied about?” Yes, I had–many times–when I was a kid, when I was young adult, and I had hidden things out of fear of repercussion–and that’s not an adult way of handling situations. However, the full truth of different matters had always come out later on, when it was “safe” to speak up, when self confrontation was underway that showed me in full what I had done, why I had done it, and why I had to speak up about it—one’s conscience is never asleep, and it’s hard at work that whole time.
Denial that blocks the full damage a sin has done, cannot last, because in time, God will lift the Veil of Deception(the lie that Satan tells)–in slow increments–in part, and as time goes on, and emotional strength increases, awareness increases that leads into greater clarity, this veil will eventually be completely removed as the full Truth of whatever has happened, the damage that has been done, and the necessity to confess in part, or in full, comes and fills the heart of the person who has sinned.
And it doesn’t matter what kind of sin that person has committed–whether against God, or against spouse, OR against God AND spouse. There is a right time for all things, and God’s Time is always a right time.
A bond of trust must be built that leads into the feeling of emotional “safety” that in time leads into a confession of sin that seems so terrible that the midlife spouse feels that loss of their spouse may be imminent, but the Truth must come out, so they can be freed from their self-imposed prison of unspoken guilt, shame, and lack of self forgiveness.
Yet, this doesn’t occur until the sinner is ready to expose themselves, understands why they did what they did, and in clarity sees the Truth of why they did it, without blame, without anger, and without justification. It’s a type of role that has to be grown into, because maturity leads into truth-telling, and this kind of growth takes time to accomplish. It doesn’t happen during the stage of replay, I’m sorry to say.
What the left behind spouses get at that particular time is self-victimized spew that is angry, has the actions and words of someone who feels “trapped”–and the first chance the immature midlife spouse gets, they’ll run away again, because they are not in a place of being able to take emotional pressure, nor accountability.
The immature midlife spouse doesn’t understand what any of this means, not at the place of emotional growth they’re in. The midlife spouse is still navigating within the emotional fog that deceives them into thinking what they’ve done is justified, and right. Regardless of what the left behind spouse might say, the midlife spouse still won’t accept full responsibility for their actions. This necessary Self-accountability will come later, when more change, growth, and becoming have occurred within the midlife spouse.
Again, I know, because I’ve been there, and only God knew when the time was going to be right–and believe it or not, when the time was right for him to come to me, *I* did NOT go to him. He came to ME on his own without any prompting on my part, when HE was ready, and not before–God did His part, because I did mine.
People want to know “how” the midlife spouse progresses forward in their journey. All they have to do is look at how THEY progress forward, within their own journey, to have a good idea of how the midlife spouse does it. God does His Work within both people at different times in different ways. God doesn’t deal with you in the exact same way as your midlife spouse, because you have clear thinking, while the midlife spouse has muddy thinking. Trust that God knows how to get through to even the most stubborn of midlife spouses.
Best thing to do is leave that midlife spouse with God, so He can do His best work, continue to work on yourself, let God do His Work in you, and understand that in time, a situation will eventually work out. You may not know everything, and you may not know HOW everything works out, but that’s not going to matter as time goes on, as the mature CHANGES that both of you make come forth, and transform both of you into what God means for you to become in Him.
Those of you who think you’re “losing time” or think the midlife spouse is “getting away with everything,” might want to reconsider your wrong thoughts, because nobody gets away with anything–God is NEVER bypassed, or gotten around. He CANNOT be manipulated, nor controlled. Yes, God forgives, but the consequences for the sin, will still be suffered–reaping what one sows is the Biblical principle you need to think of every time you think the midlife spouse is simply going to get away with their sin.
Do what God says do, and all will go well with you. I know, because I’ve been there, too. ((HUGS))
Do unto others is a very important rule to follow, and it requires faith in God, and faith in the midlife crisis process. It also develops the patience to withstand, and the perseverance to endure. You do come to know that eventually, you will overcome this trial…as you also learn to Stand forth in Strength to look in hope for a time when this trial will come to an end. ((HUGS))
You learn to do this opposite kind of behavior in the short term, in order to hopefully bring your marriage back together in the long term, but you come to know that it won’t last, because a necessary emotional balance must be struck between the positive and negative sides of our Self.
What you would “normally” do, you don’t–you do the opposite. If you became angry, pressured, and pushed, you would stay calm, back off, and give the sinner time and space to come to you on their own. You can draw more flies with honey, than vinegar, and that saying really fits what a left behind spouse should be learning to do during a time of becoming the strength, the draw, and the lighthouse for a lost and confused, midlife spouse.
This is about changes you make on the inside that will eventually make their way outside to be seen.
Making positive changes that bring forth emotional balance that eventually transforms into full emotional maturity is NOT about “getting a life.” “Getting a life” is for you, but it is NOT an “inside fix” for what needs change, growth, and becoming within your Self. If you will focus on the inside of Self, eventually, the outside of Self will benefit, and any “getting a life” activities you eventually choose to do for yourself, will be affected by these “opposite self” changes you make within. A final note–some “opposite self” changes will be temporary, and some will be permanent, and this will be up to you to decide. 🙂 ((HUGS))
