One of my older forum posts from 2002(All Sermons on One Thread)–edited for flow, continuity, and acronyms.
A behavioral “cycle” starts when the same behavior is repeated over and over for a period of time and there is no end to it-in other words, it “circles” without end. The person who has triggered, or is repeating this “cycle” must have help to break free from it.
When a clear cycle of unwanted behavior begins, someone’s behavior has to change or a confrontation has to ensue. Since change begins within yourself, you are the one who must begin. People are not going to change their behavior, until you change yours first.
For example:
A man in an affair has another woman, but wants his wife too. He is trying to have a relationship with both because he is too weak to decide what he wants. The wife states her stand on it, and he promises to get rid of the other woman. However, in an effort to keep having this “best of both worlds,” he ignores what she says and lies to her so he can keep right on seeing the other woman AND his wife-“fence-sitting” is a better word for that or “cake-eating”.
After giving the man a reasonable period of time-usually a week, the wife then needs to change her behavior toward the man, “cutting him off”, “going dark” AFTER telling him ONE MORE TIME where she stands.
In effect, given some time, the change of behavior SHOULD break the “cycle”.
When it does not break, something is wrong-the wife MUST stick to her guns and not allow him to see her at all. Behavioral cycles are difficult to break when the wife lacks the strength to enforce her stand. IF he chooses to move on, she has lost nothing, but allowing for human nature, most of the time, the man will go on and dump the affair partner, coming back to the wife, knowing she means business, and will not allow him to get away with this.
You see, people will do what we allow them to get away with. When the same behavioral problem crops up again and again, it begins what is called a behavioral “cycle.” A change in behavior is called for to break it, and that change must be solid, no waffling, because self-respect is at usually at stake.
In the mid-life crisis, there are certain times when this will work, and you must know when those times are.
I have seen many cases of “behavioral cycles” and some them continue into infinity, because the left-behind spouse lacks the strength to make a stand. They are afraid of being willing to lose all to possibly regain the mid-life spouse.
As long as the mid-life spouse is waffling between the wife and the other woman, it is a good time to break a cycle.
It might try the patience of the left-behind spouse, but in the end, unless the mid-life spouse chooses the affair partner, it should work.
There are other behavioral “cycles” to consider-in the cases of disrespect, such as controlling and manipulation can be stopped.
It calls, again, for a change in behavior-reacting in a way that the mid-life spouse does not expect, and refusing to take anymore.
Another example is the mid-life spouse who seeks to control the left-behind spouse with anger and threats when confronted with something they do not want to discuss. The mid-life spouse will say hurtful, and hateful things in an effort to “shut them up”. The desired effect would be for the left-behind spouse to shut down, withdraw and say nothing else to the mid-life spouse. Upon recognition of this type of cycle, it can be stopped by changing one’s behavior and reactions to all hateful statements.
The next thing that can happen is a threat to leave, a threat to remove something by using emotional blackmail, because the mid-life spouse is not getting their way–or at the very least, is attempting to continue controlling and manipulating the situation. Instead of crying and begging like the left-behind spouse has done before, one would let them go, and invite the mid-life spouse to leave, or even carry out their threat, if that is what they want to do.
The bottom line is, you need to overcome your FEAR, and make a stand against what you know is WRONG, not worrying about what might happen, just knowing your self-respect is at stake, and being strong enough to stand.
One has to learn to stop being afraid of losing what has already been lost in the fires of the mid-life crisis.
If the mid-life spouse really wants to leave, etc., they will do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and there is nothing you can do about it. However, you cannot become a “doormat” to be walked upon. You must be resolute and strong without becoming soft. You don’t have to put up with wrong behavior. It can be stopped, point-blank.
This is a Q and A, asking me to further define what must be done during a cycle
This does MORE explaining and helps to further your understanding.
Quote:
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HOW DOES ONE DETERMINE THE CHANGE NEEDED. IS IT BOUNDARIES, 180’S, SOME COMBINATION?
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When you commit to a course of action-the “consequences” of that action no longer matter-you are letting go of that.
Making your stand is NOT considered ‘punishment’-that is up to the Lord to “punish” people by causing them to reap what they sow.
You are simply deciding what you will and will not tolerate and taking steps to change that situation, through actions and/or confrontation. It is the equivalent of saying “NO MORE” and not backing down.
The actions you take depend upon the situation faced-I outlined two different examples of making such a stand earlier in this post.
Most situations are not so different, and the “bully’s” reactions are usually not that different, unless he/she is totally twisted, and/or at the “point of no return”-or is determined to leave forever anyway. Or, they choose to completely ignore the left-behind spouse’s actions, and just continue their unacceptable behavior. In that case-you either accept it or not-your choice all the way around. There are some “die-hards” that will never see what they are doing to hurt themselves and others. Of course that is covered in psychiatric disorders. They are beyond help, you cannot help them, and need to just let them go totally-getting on with your life.
What behavior you are standing up against determines the changes that have to be made in the left-behind spouse-this is “solution-based” thinking-it depends on what you are facing, as to what you need to do. IF one thing doesn’t work, try something else-each person is different and it might require a combination of things to bring about a desired result. No one can decide that for you. It is always your choice, and you know your mid-life spouse better than anyone else.
Quote:
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IS THE ONLY “SOLID” OPTION IN AN AFFAIR PARTNER-CYCLE AN ULTIMATUM –
or ARE THERE OTHER OPTIONS LEFT-BEHIND SPOUSE HAS TO PREVENT A’CAKE EATER’ “FROM GETTING AWAY WITH”(NO CONSEQUENCES) THIS BEHAVIOR ?
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There are several possibilities the left-behind spouse can use, and the only three options are:
1. Ultimatum, which in the case of the mid-life crisis won’t work unless the mid-life spouse is emotionally ready to give the affair partner up, and is attempting to CAKE-EAT.
2. Going dark without saying a word, but the mid-life spouse won’t “get it” so a confrontation in the case of one who is clearly “CAKE EATING” during the mid-life affair is usually necessary before cutting off contact.
3. Just tolerating the situation, going on endlessly for years, and allowing the cycle to continue-had to throw that one in-it is the LEAST desirable option, but one that is usually chosen because fear dictates the actions of the left-behind spouse.
Quite honestly, I don’t see any other ways of handling this type of situation without a confrontation of some sort-the left-behind spouse has to come to the point of deciding what he/she will and will not tolerate and take action-and that course of action is up to the individual who is on the receiving end of this.
Quote:
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WILL ONE KNOW WHEN THIS WILL WORK
– IS THERE ANY INDICATION AS WHAT THOSE TIMES ARE?
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I had my insight and someone to guide me in this, but your own intuition is always your best indicator. Use the tools you have been given through the direct guidance of God, self-help books, the Bible, and other resources to help you-that is what they are here for.
On the other hand, watching the situation is one of the best indicators as to when the time is to confront. I cannot exactly explain it, but YOU WILL KNOW-it goes back to your intuition-and the “cycle” that develops will become so clear even the person involved within cannot miss it unless they are totally blind-or choose to be. It really depends on what each of us are willing to live with and tolerate. If you’re not satisfied with a situation, change it, taking the steps necessary to do so.
Again, when you take a course of action, you let go of what the consequences may be(spouse goes on and leaves, etc). But understand we are human and there is so much even we will tolerate before something must be done, and each of our tolerance levels are different-what is totally UNacceptable to one person may be totally Acceptable to another-each one of us are different-those differences must be taken into account.
In short, we each know, deep within our hearts what we can and cannot live with.
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DOES THE “STAND” MEAN ASKING SPOUSE TO LEAVE?
OR DOES IT MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS (ex.BOUNDARIES) FOR DIFFERENT CYCLES?
DOES IT MEAN WAS LEAVE IN CASE OF OW?
DOES THE STAND DEMAND A CHOICE ON THE WAS,
WHERE THE LBS HAS TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CHOICE RESULTS/CONSEQUENCES?
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That is totally up to the left-behind spouse-different circumstances call for different courses of actions-again it depends on the circumstances. When you know the options you have, you can make a choice that “fits” within those options.
In the mid-life crisis, there does come a time when you will have to “be willing to lose all to possibly regain” the mid-life spouse and the circumstances are differing.
In my own case-and I know I’ve told this story before-I was attempting to hold my husband accountable for his behavior, and I triggered a tantrum in him. Now, in the past he’d always controlled me through anger and threats, and that had always worked then, but not at the time I confronted him.
He threatened to leave me because in his words “You won’t shut up”, and I released him-telling him if that was what he wanted to do, do it, but do not threaten me with it again-I never raised my voice. I had learned TWO lessons that day-the first was to stay quiet in conflict, and the second was the “being willing to lose all to possibly regain him” lesson.
He threatened me with other stuff(no physical violence, though–that line had been drawn years before), but I just kept putting the decision to leave or not to leave back on his shoulders and stayed calm about it.
He never left.
He has not repeated this particular behavior again. At one time it WAS a bone of contention between us. I had allowed it for many years, but no more. I had made my stand, and he responded to that stand by stopping the behavior. I did not give him the same reaction I had given over the years-I had changed the tapes.
Also in my case, the decisions I made at that point of confrontation were not made ahead of time-these were made in a split-second, because the tantrum that resulted, and the threats that followed were unexpected. I did NOT know what he was going to do until he did it.
I was guided into holding him accountable by my intuition, and I was “pushed” until I did it. The Lord would not allow me to back down. The “old” me would have backed down before-I could not revert back to “old” behaviors. It was placed within me to confront and I did. However, when I did confront, I “let go” of the consequences of my actions-leaving them to the Lord to work out.
If he had left, there was nothing I could have done to stop it, and I already knew that, even before I confronted. But I had to be ready to accept whatever the result would be-it was up to my husband whether he stayed or left, not me.
All these things passed through my mind that day, but I settled myself afterwards, knowing that I had done all I could. I determined that I was no longer willing to let him control, nor manipulate me anymore. I was not a child, and neither was he, and as a result, he did respect me a great deal more after that.
Now, concerning making the mid-life spouse leave in the case of an affair partner during a time of serious cake-eating, can have its advantages. It causes them to “miss” the left-behind spouse, and the affair partner has the whole burden of meeting ALL of the mid-life spouse’s needs, not just some of them. The affair partner doesn’t know the mid-life spouse the way the left behind spouse does. Hopefully the dissatisfaction level within the affair rises high enough that it burns out-unless the mid-life spouse is determined to start over anyway. That aspect is beyond the left behind spouse’s control. Everything comes down to being willing to let go of the attempt to control anything concerning another person(also known as trying to have”other control”). Because really, we do not own, nor can we control anyone except ourselves, and all things happen for a reason.
The actual STAND taken can mean going through with what the left-behind spouse has said he/she will do if certain conditions are not met, and that is not control-the mid-life spouse has broken their marriage vows, and the left-behind spouse has the right to demand a choice. However, in the mid-life crisis, that can only happen when the mid-life spouse is CAKE-EATING.
Do NOT make your stand UNTIL you are READY to live with the consequences of what you are saying you will do-that is why I say you cannot waffle-you must stand strong and be willing to go through it.
Otherwise, the cycle will definitely repeat itself, and the time will be lengthened to ensure you learn the lesson and “get it” right.
One more thing, even if the mid-life spouse refuses to leave-you can still make your stand and go at least “dim” on them-refusing to have much of anything to do with him/her-and sticking to it, getting on with your life.
Though I talked my husband out of leaving earlier in his crisis, and he treated me terribly, I ended up going totally “dim” on him. This action sent him the unspoken message that he could lose me-I was calm, quiet, but determined that this had better stop. However, I never threatened him or said anything that indicated I was going to leave-I just had very little to do with him for awhile. Eventually, he got the message loud and clear.
It was up to him, just as it always was and had been.
I also knew that I had to give this time to work, I felt I was doing the right thing, as per God, who was guiding me via my intuition, and I knew it for sure when I observed him coming back toward me later on.
I hope I have explained this in a way that will help you all to understand. I know how this works having been there before. However, explaining it in a way that is understood is hard, but I think I got it right.
Remember, there is hope as long as there is love. 🙂
Much love,
HB
