The exact opposite of love is indifference, but total detachment is not indifference. Before I get into this, hating someone means you still feel something for them; that is why hate is not the direct opposite of love. When one is indifferent, that means they feel absolutely nothing for the person that was once the object of such intense love.
Indifference is a dangerous emotional state to get into, and once there, returning is difficult. It has been said that people within a mid-life crisis, are indifferent, but I have never said, nor written this. In all actuality, their feelings are buried deep within the garbage of the tremendous amount of issues from their past. I have always said they act indifferent, which does not equate their behavior with themselves.
People within a midlife crisis act (this does not mean they are this way at all times) indifferent to their spouse’s feelings, and can act quite indifferent to the negative changes in their circumstances, but if you think about it, children act indifferent, too. Selfishness is another trait of the crisis, but children also act selfishly. “It’s all about them,” is yet another aspect of the midlife crisis, but children act this way, too.
Until children are taught differently (just like a person in crisis can also be taught differently during the midlife crisis by a strong, patient, and loving Stanchion, their spouse), these aspects are all because of the inherent ‘survival mode’ that all people were born with.
This survival mode served people well when trying to survive harsh conditions, and children always experience these first, until they are taught to look past these aspects, to see the needs of others.
It has been said that a newborn baby is the most indifferent, selfish, self-serving human being on this earth, and their world is tightly wound around themselves. Now, is this bad? Well, one would say No, it is a baby, and this is to be expected. However, look at this aspect again from another point of view; you do not see these aspects in a baby, because your perception does not see it that way, and this same perception contains the necessary compassion, and love, to look beyond this crying baby to see its greatest needs.
Now, apply this to the midlife spouse, and adjust your perception around that analogy. Babies do not care if you get anything to eat, as long as they are fed. Babies do not care if you take proper care of yourself as long as you keep them comfortable in every way. They are truly indifferent to your needs; theirs come first, and that is their perception.
I know, the difference between babies and a midlife spouse is physical and mental growth; and the fact the same midlife spouse knows that what they are doing is wrong, (at the time they are doing it). Though they act indifferent, I can assure you, they are not truly indifferent.
They are more detached than indifferent, and this detachment on the midlife spouse’s part is to protect themselves from the influx of feelings they cannot handle, whereas the little baby does not have a total awareness of anything beyond their immediate needs. Yet, the midlife spouse experiences this on a smaller scale, depending on how you perceive this aspect.
Sure, babies are totally helpless, can’t take care of themselves, but you would not abandon a baby for the same/similar qualities your midlife spouse reflects, so why would you judge them as wanting, knowing their mental and emotional capabilities during this time are much the same as a small child?
I know this is hard to understand. Here is a grown man or woman, who, in your estimation, knows better than what he or she is doing, yet, the Lord wants us to have compassion, simply because their unawareness has not turned the corner into a more developed awareness.
You will watch them act like a child, throw a tantrum like one, be overbearing, controlling, manipulating, and it always seems that you are the one who is always having to set the boundaries, to influence them into growth, put up with them, and let’s not forget love, cherish, honor and keep them for better and for worse, in sickness and in health.
Yet, within their minds and emotions, they are nothing more than an overgrown baby/child/man/woman who is struggling to grow up a second time, and they seem to have these same beginning qualities that a baby is born with! The younger they regress and rewind backward, the more evident these qualities become.
This same emotional immaturity can grate hard on one’s nerves at times. It is not easy being a Stanchion, or is it an easy balance to take responsibility without falling into the “Mothering” or even “Fathering” trap.
The only way to survive every last bit of this, whether the marriage survives this or not, is to continue utilizing total detachment, be willing to examine oneself and step aside so God can work within the situation as a whole.
Total detachment means removing oneself from the drama at hand, and intense anger felt can put one into this state, as the mind and emotions “throw off” the result of such a heavy negative emotion.
One can get so angry that this can put them right over into total detachment. This aspect is designed to protect oneself from being emotionally destroyed, and so one can look at things more objectively. This can happen more than once throughout the crisis. If not for total detachment, one’s feelings can be totally destroyed, and never return.
Total detachment is emotional protection of and within itself. To continue down a path of emotional self-destruction can and will lead to a total nervous breakdown from where there may not be a return.
It is a form of “no contact” where one’s emotions are put aside, so one can heal within themselves. However, while this healing is going on, the outlook changes to that of one who knows what’s going on is wrong, but understanding that nothing one does or says can change or alter anything.
The midlife transitional process will continue right on, regardless.
Total detachment also puts one out on the “outside looking in,” from an emotional standpoint. From that “outside view,” one begins to understand a whole lot more about separating the behavior from the person.
Indifference doesn’t care one way or the other, has no love at all, nor does it care about the person who is self-destructing, whereas detachment still has an element of care, it’s just not that obvious, and love that is still left is put on a “shelf,” to be protected for a later time.
It is very possible to love and hate someone at the same time. Yet, if you allow Him, God can and will do His work within the realm of turning your thinking around in such a way where you can learn to love your midlife spouse while hating their behavior, as their behavior and the person are not the sum total of both.
To explain, we have a tendency, as human beings, to equate people and their behaviors when really, there is a hurting person behind every set of bad behaviors. We need to learn to separate this out and understand that there is always something (a given issue, inner pain), that drives behavior, bad or good. For everything we do/don’t feel, an equally matched behavior drives our actions toward others.
Perception becomes everything during the midlife crisis, as the midlife spouse views their spouse through the lenses of their past issues. They act out according to the same “colored” lenses that are made up of their past hurts.
When we learn that their behavior(s) good or bad has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them, our perception of any given situation begins to change. It has to because once we stop taking everything they do personally, stop internalizing their blame, shame, and guilt, and learn to clearly see the issues within ourselves that is being triggered by their actions toward and even against us, we then learn to separate the behavior from the person, learning to love the person, while hating the behavior.
The midlife spouse emotionally moves back and forth, comes and goes, because of the intense guilt, and shame that resides within themselves. You would think they still had feelings of love for their spouse, and they do have feelings for their spouse, but of love? No, not love, because they do not know what love really means.
However, again, this has nothing to do with you, everything to do with them, and the reasons for everything they do/say lies within their past lives, past history, and when one knows this about them, it becomes easier to figure out.
What is hard is targeting what is within yourself that responds/reacts to their antics, and repairing those issues within you, so that proper boundaries can be set to help trigger their growth. My suggestion, as always, is get your focus off the midlife spouse and get it onto yourself. You can do nothing for them, but everything for yourself.
It is a long, hard journey, but doable with the help of the Lord.
Food for thought.
BIG HUGS!!
Love,
HB
