When the midlife spouse begins turning back, he will usually do the simplest of things–like ask you for a date–just to see what you’ll say. My advice is to jump right in there, play the “game” and simply say, “OK! When do you think would be a good time?” Then wait and see what he says, if he says anything at all…no expectations. Keep it light, and see where this goes, if that’s what you want to do. Though it could take a lot of time before he got back to you, the fact is, you would need to begin showing him the emotional door on your side is open.
Now, you might be told by other people that you’re making yourself too available, opening yourself up to get hurt–I’ve actually seen and heard this before. However, in my experience, NOT my opinion, if you’re ready to begin navigating cautiously forward, go for it, and see where this goes. What do you have to lose? Nothing–everything was lost when he bombed and abandoned you.
Let me ask you this–what if this small foray into unknown waters, leads into something more, and you didn’t strike while the iron was hot, and let this opportunity get away? Sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself out there, with zero expectations, and take a chance on yourself. Have some confidence in yourself, because if you’re being asked for a date, he’s obviously testing the emotional waters at the moment, to see if the door is open on your end. You’re not going to give too much, but you’ve got to give something, just to see where it all goes. ((HUGS))
I’m well aware he would eventually need to do the work needed to help resolve the damage he’s done, but that time is not now–why? Because this relationship has not started over, not begun from scratch again, and it’s not established enough to go any farther as yet, and this is taking baby steps forward that may or may not lead into a deeper connection.
It’s like when the two of you first met each other, didn’t know each other, and baby steps were taken back then, weren’t they? You didn’t just fall over him, and start pushing him into being with you, not at first, did you? Of course not. What would he have done had you come on too strong, too needy, and too quickly? RUN, like any sane man would do..of course he’s not exactly sane right now, but you get the point. 🙂
Furthermore, you didn’t know his intentions then. So, just like you did years ago, you’re moving forward gradually, being attractive, being kind, showing him acceptance, and a loving heart. You’re being the strength, the draw, and the lighthouse.
If you don’t learn to let this unfold gradually, and you jump in wanting to pressure him for accountability for his past actions, and start demanding things from him that he cannot give, and is not prepared, and emotionally ready, to give, then you’ll see him back right off, step away, and he may or may not cycle back toward you again. This is not a threat of any kind, this is human nature at work. It’s obvious he wants you, but you need to show an interest, and be willing to let this situation move forward at its own pace.
People are often afraid that if they don’t pressure the midlife spouse right then and there, and start extracting a confession, etc., etc…that they’ll never get what they want, and it’s this fear that can tear down every bit of the attempted action of slowly building a new connection that will hopefully sustain the two of you through the remainder of his midlife crisis.
I can tell you from experience, that getting the truth will come, but not in your time–it will come in the midlife spouse’s time, when they are emotionally ready, and in a place of seeing what they have done within themselves, and not just that, they’ll understand in full, be accountable and speak these things to the left behind spouse.
It all takes time, and you won’t get everything all at one time–it will come gradually as the midlife spouse becomes more “safe” and comfortable within the new beginnings the two of you will hopefully build going forward. I always have hope that he will increase his contacts with you, and someone has to start connecting somewhere, and be willing to draw the midlife spouse forward toward you. ((HUGS))
I know, because I’ve been there–it’s a long process, but time, as you realize that Rome wasn’t built overnight, etc. it becomes OK, because as time continues to heal your emotional wounds, forgiveness is developed, and you continue to work through the issues that were triggered, you’ll find you won’t have as much of a need to know, as much as you think you do.
Your midlife spouse’s primary responsibility would be, targeting the issue that drove him down the road into physical adultery, and going through the process of facing, resolving, and healing. Then, gradual change would come–and I can tell you from experience that the “change” that occurs while still in replay, is NOT the same kind of change that comes by the time the midlife spouse breaks the stage of Withdrawal–the change in replay involves immature growing pains on the part of the midlife spouse–while the change in the stage of Withdrawal involves mature growth, and if you keep to this harder path, you will be able to see the difference–not just in him, but also in you.
Positive change in him will occur, nevertheless, as you can clearly see that the issue has been resolved in him. However, it’s a long road to get to that point–but I often illustrate some things ahead of time, because there IS hope, in spite of the harder road walked..but you can do this.
Just trust God, and yourself–even as you continue moving forward on your own emotional journey. And know that just because a midlife spouse returns, doesn’t mean that things are magically, and automatically OK for the couple–it doesn’t work like that. Many people fall into the emotional trap of thinking things are OK, and both the left behind spouse, AND the midlife spouse bury the rest of the process, and this cannot be done–oh, it could, but the peace that comes is temporary.
In a matter of time, what has not been completed, will return and overrun the midlife spouse once more…and many left behind spouses decide at that time they’ve had enough, get a divorce, move “on”–never realizing they were just as much at fault as the midlife spouse for allowing this burial of crisis to happen. The left behind spouse who divorces and remarries, will go through this crisis again, from the beginning…and they wonder what happened.
What isn’t faced will always return to be gone through again. The midlife crisis process demands completion in full, not in part. Take it from one who knows, and have tried to tell people, but most of them wouldn’t listen, and that was on them.
Anything that’s good enough to Stand for, always requires a battle to be waged, and it’s a battle that’s worth it. So, you fight for what you know is good, stand forth, trust God, yourself, and the midlife process. Learn to continue Standing in such a way as to continue learning to consistently be the strength, the draw, and the lighthouse that helps guide the midlife spouse out of the troubled waters, into much calmer waters. Lastly, all processes have beginnings, and they have endings, and NO process is ever complete if it’s allowed to stop in the middle. The midlife crisis is an emotional, and mental redevelopment process, and it’s a fight to the finish, but there is so much learned during that same fight.
You’re going to need to learn life’s lessons anyway for yourself, so in my estimation, there is no one who would be a better emotional fit, no better option, to learn these lessons with, than the husband you began your married life with, if this possible. All things are possible, if you’ll believe, and have faith, putting God first, and walking your journey forward for yourself. ((HUGS))
