There are two different kinds of masks a mid-life spouse uses to “hide” or “shield” themselves during the mid-life crisis.
The first one is the “mask” they wear to prevent people from seeing who they really are. Out in public, they are as nice as they can be to others, and to their spouse.
However, once the mid-life spouse arrives home, and out of the public scene, this same “mask” slips off. Their spouse sees the person in crisis for what they really are, as the mid-life spouse becomes abusive once again.
The reason for the wearing of this mask is the mid-life spouse, because of fear of rejection, cannot allow people outside of the immediate family to see them as they really are during the crisis, so, they positively project what they want others to see in them.
However, because the spouse KNOWS the mid-life spouse (and knows them well) and the mid-life spouse KNOWS this on an intuitive level, they feel entitled to act any way they choose. Therefore, their spouses will always see beyond the “mask” that is worn.
Quite often, when the couple arrives home, the mid-life spouse will begin to spew angrily, emotionally “punishing” their spouse for “making” them “have to be on their best behavior” in public.
Their antics at home will often escalate until their spouse is a bundle of nerves, walking on eggshells, and wondering what in the world just happened.
It is a form of “crazymaking” on the part of the mid-life spouse, because people on the “outside” have a hard time understanding that they act one way in public, and quite another way at home.
If the spouse tries to explain what they are seeing at home, vs. what is seen in public, they are viewed with amazement, disbelief, and in some ways, with contempt, because their explanation is just so unbelievable. Most especially to people who have not gone through the mid-life crisis with a spouse before.
On the other hand, if confronted in public, the mid-life spouse will lie, deny, and minimize. Depending on who is around to see them, they will throw tantrums, walk off, or out of a store, or restaurant in outrage, playing out a victimized kind of role, because of not wanting to lose their “good person” image, they work so hard to maintain. To be a fake and a fraud in public is emotionally exhausting to the mid-life spouse.
However, as with all these kinds of masks, it will eventually begin to slip off and on, when the mid-life spouse is exposed to enough consistent pressure. The façade they present becomes too hard to keep up with, and given some time, they will be seen in public as they are seen at home.
As they lose further control of themselves, acting out in the most horrible of ways, this usually results in the loss of friends who do not want to be around the hateful, awful person they are seeing.
Of course, the mid-life spouse will simply turn around and project full blame onto their spouse, because they certainly cannot “own” any of the responsibility for having allowed their “good person” image/mask to slip and slide.
For what it’s worth, the people at their workplace, most especially, his/her boss will usually be among the first to see the mid-life spouse’s mask slip and slide , knowing something is wrong, but at first, unsure of what to do about it.
If the mid-life spouse’s behavior becomes bad enough, they can be subjected to discipline that leads to the termination of their employment, or they will become so dissatisfied, they will quit on their own.
As growth, change and becoming continue within the mid-life spouse, their need to wear this mask will lessen, as their maturity progresses forward in a positive fashion, they will no longer present themselves in such a deceitful way.
The second kind of mask is a little more complicated, as this aspect involves a projected-type of mask. As the mid-life spouse is facing the aspect or aspects of the “children” during the mid-life affair (that can exist during Replay), they can superimpose a “mask” across the other woman/other man.
This is designed to aid in the “mirroring behaviors” that do exist during the mid-life affair. This kind of “mask” also enables them to view the affair partner as the mid-life spouse chooses to.
This is also a necessary part of the behavioral “mirroring aspect” between the mid-life spouse, and the affair partner. They will often “mirror” each other’s behavior for the purpose of avoiding accountability. Because the foundation of an affair is built upon deception in the first place, both people are only showing what they want the other to see.
However, the affair partner is not always an exact “fit,” so the mid-life spouse will make use of this projected type of mask in order to compensate for what is lacking in their affair partner. It is an attempt to “remake” the affair partner into perfection as opposed to accepting any imperfections, as human beings are not perfect in any sense.
When the time is right, the “mask” that is projected upon the other woman/other man will eventually slip off, exposing the affair partner fully, due to the various changes within the mid-life spouse’s state of mind, and a readiness to move forward within the crisis itself.
Once this “mask” dissolves completely, the affair will move toward a time of final breakdown.
Time is one factor within the dissolution of both kinds of masks, and a willingness to outgrow the self-deception necessary to maintain each kind of “mask” that is worn or projected by the mid-life spouse during this time.
