Note from the author: This is from a forum post I wrote back in 2010, edited for flow, and continuity.
Too many people have had total nervous breakdowns during their spouse’s midlife crisis because they were unwilling to let go, and let God work within their midlife spouses. This was because they lacked the strength to overcome their fears of the unknown future.
Holding on to the emotional “rope” is more damaging to you, than to your midlife spouse. You cannot hold on, and let go at the same time, you can only do one or the other, not both.
Total detachment has been also described as the “dropping of the emotional rope.”
This detached feeling won’t last forever but for now, you would need this to help you observe what will happen with your midlife spouse as God really begins to work on him/her in earnest without your interference.
As long as you hold on to the feelings you’re afraid of losing (the emotional rope), in effect, you will cause both you and your midlife spouse to become stuck within this trial. However, when you let go (dropping the rope) in all ways, (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), learn to stand still and simply watch, the situation often begins to turn in a more positive way.
You need to let go and detach so that God can do His work on the mid-life spouse. God will not make you get out of the way, nor will He make you detach. However, if you will ask Him, He will help you reach this state for yourself so you can let go.
Once you go completely into the state of total detachment, this often feels like your emotions are literally “locked down” within the psyche. You cannot laugh, or cry, you cannot feel anything, and a “burning” can be felt within. This would because of the emotional feelings being locked away so they cannot come into play.
Furthermore, you will feel emotionally “numb” inside and nothing is felt when you look at your midlife spouse. This works well during the times of angry, confused spewing. As long as you stay within that state of mind, what the midlife spouse does or says will not hurt you at all.
Though you still know you love them, this becomes more of a “knowing,” not a feeling, and your love is placed upon an emotional “shelf” for a time. However, when you see and interact with them from this place of total detachment, you will see a total stranger that you know has a problem, but you will not be inclined to try and do anything about it.
People say when you go numb like that it is time to leave the situation, but you will have already emotionally “left” without physically leaving. However, it is OK to be this way.
If you do not reach this necessary state, your next step could be checking yourself into the state hospital on whatever floor they put you on for observation for suicide or otherwise.
Some people hit rock bottom long before they ever reach detachment, and believe me, I’d rather be detached anytime than to be suicidal.
Reaching total detachment also helps to speed the healing of your inner pain, deepens your acceptance of the situation, and further helps to lead the way toward more complete healing within.
Before you get there, you are “bleeding” within from all the damage, and it nearly becomes too much for you. Deep emotional pain, as a result of what your spouse does toward you, demands that you either detach or you entertain thoughts of committing suicide to get away from it.
No one said it was easy, because fear gets in the way. The main fear is that you will lose your love for the person you’re detaching from, but you won’t. You will know that you still hold love for them. However, you will be unable to access it for the time you’re in total detachment.
If you do, you will open yourself up to being drawn back into the spouse’s drama again. You will know you cannot do that because the love you still hold would be completely destroyed by their wrong actions.
Detachment ensures you are being protected from further emotional hurt. It becomes necessary during your Journey to Wholeness and Healing in order to view your life as it had been, and also to see the past reality of your midlife spouse so you can handle these aspects without experiencing an emotional breakdown.
In that process, you can begin to accept, forgive, and continue to heal in a more complete way, the damage that has occurred because of what your midlife spouse has done in the past.
Detachment also helps to give you the necessary emotional space you need for yourself to choose your own path within this ongoing crisis.
God works in circumstances such as these, and when the time is right, your feelings for your midlife spouse will return later on as you begin building a new connection with your midlife spouse at a later time in the crisis.
When you detach completely from the current situation, you will usually observe the midlife spouse coming back toward you, as the pressure is released. They will usually come forward out of fear that they will lose you for good.
Don’t think they won’t see this distancing occur within you, they will, as midlife spouses like to think they have control of everything, including the left-behind spouse. If they have some feeling left within for you, they will usually react to this emotional space left by your distancing, by moving closer to you.
To be sure, some midlife spouses will not. However, most of them will.
Slowly, but surely, the tables should begin to turn on them, causing them to experience a “loss” of control within the situation. At first, the midlife spouse will become curious, then show a deep confusion, because you are not reacting as you once did. Because they do not like change, they will seek to put everything back to the way it was, before the situation was changed in an unwanted way.
They will try to unseat you from this emotional state by creating chaos, attempting to “bait” you into reacting to them, but you must hold your position firmly. After several failed attempts to reverse what has happened, the midlife spouse will usually become very angry, and an emotional tantrum (more like a heavy bout of angry, confused spewing that comes forth), is usually thrown because the situation is clearly not going the way it once did.
Hold your ground, no matter what happens, and do not allow the midlife spouse to steal your peace.
The midlife spouse should begin to see that something has changed within the situation that can lead to a perceived loss on their part. Given some time, (and the continual holding of your position), you should see them begin to fear they are losing you as they continue observing this “dropping of the rope” behavior within you. Your behaviors should also change in ways that will make them think you are somewhat turning your back on them.
You will still interact with them, but once you reach total detachment, you will stop engaging them in their drama. As a result, the midlife spouse has nothing to “feed” upon, so they become unable to justify their actions toward and against you.
It is very likely they will become afraid of what is happening, although you may not see this fear in them at first, or even for a while.
As time goes on, the midlife spouse may clearly see that if he/she doesn’t get his/her act together they will lose you, and this can become enough motivation to get them moving forward.
Once you completely master the dropping of the emotional rope, you can learn to allow the situation to progress forward as it needs to. This whole process has always been within God’s control. As long as you hold on to the rope, you tie His hands with it. So, learn to drop the emotional rope, and prepare to go into what is also called, “the peace that surpasses all understanding”–Total Detachment.
(((HUGS)))