After all aspects of the “settling down process” are completed, the newly emerged emotionally mature adult then moves across into the “final inner healing”. This particular event will last six months, no more, no less, and this is the only certain time that exists within this entire process.
Just before this final process occurs, this post-crisis individual will experience a very short time of self-imposed isolation. In essence, they will stop communicating completely, and show clear signs of withdrawal. This aspect is nothing to be concerned about, as they must process the prior recent experience, in order to be better prepared for this final aspect.
However, once this time is completed, they will move forward with confidence, entering without fear, as this aspect will disappear, never to return.
Whether single or married, the final process is largely the same within each individual, although circumstances will vary, based on the differences within each given situation.
Long before this time, however, they will have ceased running away from accountability, their strength having increased to the point they will not turn away from this challenge, their emotional maturity has continued to strengthen, and they are more than willing to account for themselves, and their past actions. However, there may still be times of deep emotional struggle, as reality continues to shine its light of truth within the psyche of the newly emerged emotionally maturing adult.
Emotional maturation will continue within various forms and aspects. As the process continues forward, the last several pieces of the puzzle needed to complete the entire emotional process are finally pieced into their proper places.
As each final aspect is resolved inward, this will certainly show in an outward aspect. Because of this complete renovation within their heart and mind, they will begin honestly embracing change, and growth, anticipating what God means for them to become.
Their perception and perspective becomes more direct, focused, and future oriented. Their giving nature toward others becomes more willing, without expectations, containing care, tolerance, patience, all the positive aspects contained within one who has reached emotional maturity.
Most important of all, they are learning to love in a mature way, having learned through this experience that choosing to love truly involves a sacrifice, and that when one loves, sacrifice is often the result. Within this process of learning, they will choose to serve others in a more “real” capacity, and as God continues to work His hand within this situation, the positive aspects will overcome any leftover negative aspects.
Their relationships with family, friends, and loved ones will strengthen and grow into a completely new aspect as they begin applying all they have learned through this experience, and continue mending the fences once broken during their mid-life crisis.
A monumental task containing various degrees and times of difficulty; yet, they will rise to this challenge with grace and humility, willing to do whatever it takes to make amends for the past transgressions they have committed. Their focus will continue to flow outward to help others in their healing, while continuing their own healing process within.
While the “settling down process “involves helping their loved ones close and heal the wounds that were directly inflicted during the time spent within the mid-life crisis, this particular aspect also involves healing the “self inflicted” wounds sustained during the time of outward rebellion.
In explanation, when a person is going through the main part of the mid-life crisis, they give all the appearances of having turned against their spouses (if one exists), families, and friends, everyone who knows and loves them. Although, their rebellion is outward, serious emotional damage occurs inward. When one hurts others intentionally, or unintentionally, they always hurt themselves in a worse way. Each hurtful word and action turned outward becomes an inward strike and a self-inflicted emotional betrayal against the moral code that had always been lived by long before the crisis.
These inward strikes are the most serious aspects of all, as these are the sins they have committed against themselves, and the aspect that is the hardest to overcome, as self-forgiveness becomes difficult. One can more easily forgive others than to forgive themselves. It is an obstacle, but one that is navigated fully during this time.
This is a very painful process, involving the examination of each emotional betrayal committed against their inner selves. As each one is resolved, this takes them ever closer to the point of self-forgiveness that is necessary for them to reach in order to navigate forward into a more peaceful, more deeply fulfilling life.
Within the married aspect of this necessary process, they will continue helping their spouse heal any ongoing wounds that remain, even at this late date. Their awareness will sharpen, and times of true remorse can still occur, as they continue the process of cleaning up the very real mess they have made of their lives, and within the lives of their spouse and family.
As these inner wounds continue to heal, they will grieve for what they could have done, but did not do. This is a necessary part of healing these types of wounds, whether these are contained within, or inflicted outward. However, considering that they will have already begun and are continuing the process of helping their spouse and others to heal the wounds they inflicted, this grieving period does not last very long, before their outlook begins to take another positive direction toward a deeper and final settling aspect within themselves.
As the couple continues to move forward within the ongoing process of the reconciliation and the rebuilding of their marriage, they continue as before, working closely together to resolve all issues resulting from the recent experience of the crisis. Because of their ongoing joint efforts to heal their reconnected marital bond, a “scar” will eventually replace this earlier wound.
As stated within the last article, there are no real written steps given to help the married couples reconcile and rebuild their broken marriages. There are resources that can and will help, but since the marital dynamics of each marriage differ so greatly, it is enough to say that if both individuals have taken the journey to wholeness and healing in full by this time, they should contain all that is necessary within to aid each other within these reconciliation and rebuilding phases.
The meaning of the above remark is simply this: During the time of crisis, each person was on his or her individual paths toward wholeness and healing. Although, the spouse that was not in crisis, (doing all the heavy lifting designed to aid the marriage into calmer waters), carried the greatest burden, there were self-help books read, and various other resources that were gathered for future reference.
Because of this same spouse’s willingness to begin the process of change, growth and becoming first, knowledge, wisdom, and a deeper understanding resulted from this effort. Through all these aspects, the attained knowledge, and the understanding that came as a result, was then passed on to the spouse in crisis, whether directly, indirectly, or simply by asking the Lord for help, and being willing to let go, and let Him do what work the spouse was unable to complete.
Therefore, other than further marital counseling, if this becomes necessary, there should be no real need for a ‘road map’ to govern your own lives and marriages. That is, except for the still small voice of God above that will guide your marriage for a lifetime, and the Word of God, also known as the Bible, that will provide further help down this new road your renewed marriage will travel into a bright and glorious future.
The fact that a given marriage remains together, in spite of all that has happened is a completely different aspect of success. This aspect is completely separate from the completion of the individual journey into wholeness and healing. People often make the mistake of seeing the success of the marriage as the main goal, and not understanding it is the individual part that helps create this result.
In order to have and support a happy healthy marriage beyond this point, the journey should be complete for both individuals. It does not hinge on just one person, as marriage takes two committed, emotionally healthy people willing to do the ongoing work of maintenance to continue this successful aspect. What comes afterward is that life goes on, and merely becomes one big problem to be resolved every day for the rest of your lives.
This writer will close by writing a last synopsis of the crisis, using a wood working analogy for an example. This involves the process of restoring an old cabinet or a dresser. This piece goes through the process of stripping it completely down to the bare wood, sanded thoroughly, and then, varnished. The last step, for a beautiful finish involves giving the piece a final clear protective coat to protect it going forward.
All aspects take time, sometimes a lot of it, depending on how many coats of the original varnish need removing, and the imperfections that will also need repairing. Yet, the anticipated result is truly worth all the work completed to arrive at that point.
This is another way of describing a person within a mid-life crisis receiving a complete renovation during this major life event. God does His part, as He should if you allow Him to do so. At the same time, to aid you in reaching your goal of becoming whole and healed, He will also work on and within you.
However, once all necessary processes completed, you will enjoy the beauty of the finished work for years to come. It becomes well worth the journey endured to reach the end of a spouse’s mid-life crisis.
One last thing of note: There are no clear signs of an ending; no single Fourth of July firework, just living life within a completely new way. Eventually, all memories within both people will purge, and in time will no longer be present. Indeed, time does heal all wounds leading into a very peaceful existence.
Stay tuned, in the next article, we will return to discuss the various aspects within the mid-life crisis.
Until next time!
May God bless you richly in wisdom, knowledge and a deeper understanding,
HB
