My explanation of how the Mid Lifer can work out various issues during the crisis. This will also explain why they are prone to emotional cycling.
Using the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle, we will examine the possible ways
a mid-life spouse can work out their issue/issues.
Firstly, however, no issues are seen/evaluated by the mid-life spouse until they
are ready to step over from the stage of Anger into Replay.
Since the mid-life spouse contains all of their strength at that point, the first
issue brought before them is the hardest, and most painful to face.
It is fear that drives them to run away from themselves for a period of time.
It is no wonder you see them using various running behaviors; such as
drinking, drugs, and even the mid-life affair to try and get away from
this necessary first facing.
Secondly, the mid-life affair, although primarily used to avoid facing
themselves, can be the main vehicle used to work out parental issues;
as the other woman/other man can be just like the mid-life spouse’s parent or parents.
I realize this is hard to understand, but if you know the mid-life spouse’s
past, you’ll actually be able to follow along to a certain extent
as they progress through this particular aspect of their journey
through the mid-life crisis.
This particular issue, or more than one issue, can be worked out
in its entirety, or it can be worked out in various pieces, just
like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle.
Going into the issues and aspects of each issue, they were already
missing various pieces within themselves from the life they had lived
before the crisis drew them into its tight grasp.
During this time, the whole of their personalities undergoes a
further disintegration, reducing the person to an emotional
“shadow” of their former self.
This disintegration process triggers a process of
reintegration/rebuilding/repiecing within each individual person.
This has many aspects they must go through to complete themselves,
given time.
It is seen where the pieces must go to rebuild/repiece, but the person
going through is the only one who can locate each necessary piece
within.
The “new/missing” pieces needed will appear as the process continues.
These should be picked up and pieced together, as they are ready to
begin and continue this necessary work on themselves.
Once the picture is truly complete within, only then will they
become whole and healed with every piece in place.
Before this necessary completion happens, however:
There are many pieces, or aspects, that make up the whole of each
issue; and it’s not uncommon to work out one part, put it on hold for
a period of time, then return to it later, once the mid-life spouse is
ready to work out the next pieces or aspects of the puzzle/issue for
themselves.
For example, it’s not unusual for them to work out part of an
issue in one stage, then move forward, given time, into the next stage,
or even into the next one in their attempt to move steadily forward.
But when they attempt to progress forward into these next
stage or stages, they can and sometimes will find they must return to
the former issue/issues, faced partially within a former stage.
If they don’t return, they will become stuck within the stage they
are in, and remain stuck until they do what they know is needed in
order to start moving forward, or even backward.
They will cycle backward, to begin locating missing pieces so they can
begin piecing together more of the main issue or issues they are facing,
including the necessary aspects that surround each one.
This is done in order to continue back forward, so they
can continue in an ongoing way, to complete the work needed on and
within a particular issue.
This “piecing” aspect, is not only for resolution of each issue/aspect;
it is also what sets up the emotional cycling a mid-life spouse does, and
incomplete issues within a given stage or stages is the reason “doors”
to various stages are left open for future accessibility for a period of
time. Some doors are simply “cracked”, while others are left wide open.
It has often appeared that the mid-life spouse is going through one or more
stages at a time, or even that they appear to “skip” certain stages,
when in actuality, they’ve completed the work within.
They are not allowed to “skip” anything; although they may “piece”
together various issues at one point, then “skip” forward into others,
to “piece “other elements, then “skip” back to “piece” some more, as the various
pieces are found, or become available to them.
They can do whatever they choose to do, when THEY choose to do it.
It is THEIR puzzle to “piece together,” no one else’s. They can put
various elements/aspects on hold for a time, then return back to
where they were to work on more of the aspects of their numerous issues.
Watching them can get quite confusing as they are cycling back, forth, and
and through to catch aspects they missed beforehand, because of
incomplete facing, resolving and healing on their part.
As they move between various stages; sometimes forward, sometimes
backward, they will gather more “pieces” to work into their particular
“puzzle”.
As each “puzzle” piece goes into place, the entire picture continues
to form within themselves.
What is not completed will stay open, until the issue or issues within,
the mid-life spouse are complete; right along with the “supporting” pieces,
or that is, the “aspects” of each one.
The cycling itself will not complete, until they have completed their own
processing within; and all of the issues from the past stages have been faced, settled, and healed.
To illustrate further for better understanding, I offer this
explanation of how a puzzle can be pieced together.
For example, one empties a thousand-piece puzzle
on to a table with the intention of piecing it together.
I have worked out many of them throughout my life, and I have never
been able to put one of these type puzzles together from the beginning.
I always start by piecing the outside border of the puzzle together.
This begins the “framing” of the puzzle, and sets the stage for a more
accurate piecing to eventually attain the whole picture.
The main elements within a puzzle would be pieced together next.
For example, the “guide” picture might show a house, a barn,
a pump house, and maybe, some trees and a lake.
Of course, no puzzle of this type is complete without grass to
enhance the look and feel of the completed puzzle.
Time is spent piecing the various main elements together; and if
certain pieces for one element can’t be located
at the moment, then another element can be worked on/pieced together,
as the pieces are available for each one.
In time, all pieces for each element should be found, and pieced in
place. This helps contribute to the eventual completion of
the entire picture.
It is time consuming; as time is also spent, looking for missing pieces
needed to complete each aspect.
Back and forth, you can go in this way; there are no right or wrong
ways to piece together a jigsaw puzzle. How it’s done or not done,
is totally up to the one who is working with it.
If one so chooses, it can even be walked away from for a period of time,
only to resume your work when it’s convenient for you.
Eventually, however, all of the main elements will come together as
they should.
Once these are done, the smaller details, such as the grass pieces, can
then be brought together, one piece at a time, to further complete
this task.
Once every piece is in place; one is looking at a job well done; and
the puzzle is complete.
Apply this analogy to your mid-life spouse’s journey; and hopefully, you will gain
more understanding of this necessary process.
Written by Hearts Blessing on March 23, 2012
