I just happened to notice today that there has been many mentions on the forum where the MLC person connects with the family animals before they really connect with anyone / anything else. Why is this?
I’ve seen this order of emotional connection pattern many times during the crisis. The midlife spouse will often say they “left” the left behind spouse, but NOT the kids, animals, etc.
Destruction follows a forward path. When connecting back, or even building a whole new connection, this follows a backward path, based on the amount of destruction caused, and the real or perceived emotional “threat” animals, kids, and left behind spouse may pose to the midlife spouse. It’s about feeling “safe.” Since animals pose the least amount of threat, aren’t going to ask any questions, and are simply accepting without judgment, they’re connected with first, then children, then left behind spouse—and that’s from a “home” or “private” aspect.
Now, in a “public” aspect, it’s not unusual to watch the midlife spouse connect with former friends, then their family (blood), and then move toward the “home” “private” aspect…and all of this takes time.
The left behind spouse is last in line for what I would think are obvious reasons—the left behind spouse has the greatest emotional “hold”/”connection” on the midlife spouse, AND in their perception, the midlife spouse knows they have dealt the left behind spouse the MOST emotional damage.
It’s also not uncommon to watch the midlife spouse begin gradually “sneaking” their way back into the household, as some of them begin the gradual process of visiting, and these times becoming longer and longer until they decide to return home. During this time, they’re testing the emotional waters to see where the land lies.
This aspect of “sneaking” often irritates the left behind spouse, (unless they’re willing to deal with these small or baby steps forward), because they want the midlife spouse to come home all at one time, AND account for themselves all at one time, but this is not what’s going to happen….it never does.
There has been many a counselor/adviser who has made a royal mess within this aspect—treating the midlife crisis like a “normal” situation, when the midlife crisis is NOT your normal situation–advising that a betrayed spouse needs to put the emotional “screws” into the betrayer who is trying to find their place within the house again.
In a “normal” situation, because of the emotional awareness that does exist, the betrayer may break down, show remorse, etc….whereas a midlife spouse who has NO emotional awareness becomes afraid, and will only do one thing–RUN AWAY, cycling back to where they were, and they may or may not try again.
Patience is key during this time of watching them connect backward in this kind of weird-looking way. It’s always best to rebuild a new connection, give it all time, and allow this connection to strengthen.
A good example is this analogy that begins with a question: If a sinner doesn’t feel a gradually strengthening connection with God, how is God supposed to become able convict their hearts for the purpose of triggering the asking of forgiveness?
God can’t convict a sinner’s heart if there is nothing to work with. God acts a draw, using love, kindness, and He “woos” the sinner toward Him. He doesn’t come down hard on them all at once–He knows they’d run away very quickly. He also knows that if He doesn’t give the sinner time to see themselves as they really are, and allow them the space and time to come to Him on their own, all of His work to draw them unto Him would be for naught. Food for thought.
Now, that doesn’t mean that boundaries can’t be set against wrong behavior that’s going to hurt the left behind spouse or even the family. However, if the midlife spouse isn’t doing anything, but slowly coming and going, increasing their time spent with the family, the only two choices you have are to wait to see where this goes, or you can always choose to shut the door on them, and end everything right then.
It’s your choice, it was always your choice, and it will always be your choice to Stand, or don’t Stand.
I always advise moving slowly without pressuring them, because the midlife spouse cannot take a fast-moving situation, and when they’re slowly moving forward, their fear is usually clearly seen. It is like a child who has done something wrong, they’re afraid of repercussions, and like a child, they often feel that if they keep their heads down, nothing will happen to them.
It’s not until later, when they have grown into the emotional realization of what they’ve done that they are subject to accountability. However, in those early days, it’s not going to hurt to allow them to gradually work their way back into the household.
I’ve said this many times, and I’ll say it again–just because the midlife spouse doesn’t account in those early days doesn’t mean they won’t. If you think like this, that’s just your fear talking. God and their conscience will pressure them as time goes on, and I have seen as long as a year go by before they finally spill their guts in true and Godly remorse. This was triggered by the midlife spouse’s Self growth because the left behind spouse didn’t pressure, didn’t push, treated them with kindness, love, and acceptance.
The left behind spouse had learned that it was more important their journey be walked forward during this time than to become “judge and jury” toward a midlife spouse who is struggling within themselves. Someone who is carrying a lot of guilt can’t take being treated with love, kindness, and acceptance, without eventually spilling their guilt outward.
The many questions that most of you think are so important to get answers to, will cease to be of any real importance as you continue walking forward on your own journeys of growth. Time brings forth a later understanding as you stop asking so many questions, others come as you begin processing what you’ve learned, and stop thinking about it so much.
There were many things I didn’t get understanding for until much later in my own process. I can tell you from direct experience, that hindsight taught me a great deal more as time healed my wounds, and I learned to understand myself a whole lot better.
You won’t get answers to everything–you’ll get exactly what you need right when you need it, and no, there are some things you will not be able to “pick to death” because the finer details aren’t going to matter one way or the other, as you will discover down the road of your own journey.
There are many things the midlife spouse will never be able to explain. When they say, “I don’t know,” they really do mean they don’t know the answer. Keep in mind that no midlife spouse ever thinks through everything they do, and they won’t know the exact reason they did or said certain things at certain times. It becomes enough to know they did them, said them, and that they will account for their actions and words when they are ready. What you want for yourself, and for them is positive change that comes from targeting whatever issue was there in them that drove them down the road of their rebellion.
Don’t let fear drive you into consistent questioning, second guessing–make your decisions that you know are going to serve you, and keep moving on your journey.
Don’t get hung up on outcomes that may or may not occur. This time isn’t for you to get every nugget of knowledge you think you need. This time is for your journey, while trusting in the Lord to be with your midlife spouse on their journey.
The only person in this life you can benefit through your journey is YOU….while letting God do His Work on the midlife spouse.
Put the entire focus on your Self, and allow God to work on YOU—and let the rest go, because there is nothing you can do about your spouse in the first place….that’s on them. ((HUGS))
All food for thought.
