—By request for a reprint, I dug this out of the archives of my forum—
I believe one of two things happen – they get so busy living their new life that we completely fade into the background and become nothing more than white noise for them. Or two, they stop being so angry and defensive as they wake up and they realize that things were not as bad as they seemed and they realize that they too played a role in how things turned out.
The second assessment is correct, but the first assessment is based on a “normal” observation, and it does not take into account the fact that God can deal out emotional and mental torment like nobody I have ever seen in my life.
What is within the heart, the mind will always follow, and so God plants tormenting feelings of guilt, shame, and regret into the heart of a rebellious midlife spouse. Once planted, their minds do the rest—this is how God gets around the “free will” exclusion He created. Man has free will to decide, and God will not tamper with that, but God will use the emotions (the heart) to create one of the worst brands of Emotional and Mental Hell that Man has ever tried to survive. When God takes hold of someone like that, they are in for the long haul, until they straighten themselves up, or die trying.
I have seen this happen in other people’s lives over time, and it is a shame, because the midlife spouse had the opportunity to pull it all together, to do what was right, but they did not choose to honor the commitment they made, and the vow they took. God’s Word plainly says in
Ecclesiastes 5:5 KJV:
Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.
The midlife spouse has made a lifetime commitment, and vowed a vow. When they abandon their families in favor of perceived greener pastures, God does not take kindly to this rebellion, and He will do something about it. Just let Him have that rebellious immature midlife spouse, step back, and watch God work in the only way He knows best how to work.
I have been there, and watched God as He ensured my husband never got rest, was never settled, and worst of all, my husband did not have any peace in his life—it was all chaos until he decided to get his act together. During the deepest part of his emotional rebellion, he was NEVER allowed to forget me–I heard this from his own lips. God sent him dreams, pestered him constantly, and filled his heart with more feeling, more love, and more attraction than he had ever had in his life. God “drove” him toward me repeatedly.
God began His part of the task that was necessary to Him to help bring us back together once I had done my part, and navigated my journey into the place I needed to be, and I was emotionally strong enough to deal directly with my husband.
That is why I always tell people–DO WHAT GOD SAYS—it is better if you will obey Him in every way. Even when what He says to do, does not make sense to you, it always makes sense to God, because He is in charge of what is happening, has this big picture, and knows what is ahead. All the left behind spouse has to do is swallow their dang pride, put themselves and their feelings completely aside, stop thinking they know more than the Most High, and obey His directives.
God is not going to ask you to do something that is harmful to you, or your family. God has been known to take the left behind spouse down paths that required a huge leap of faith, but if you are truly a Child of God, who trusts Him beyond trust, believes in Him beyond belief, and hopes in Him, beyond hope—-there is nothing that God will not do for you. We have to learn that sometimes a situation may turn south, but we also have to learn to look at what we either did, or did not do, that contributed to a temporary setback in a situation.
I did not do everything right, and if you think I did, you are suffering from delusions, because HB is not a perfect person–she was not perfect in the beginning, she was not perfect in the middle, and she sure is not perfect now.
I made so many mistakes, added so much time to this trial but I am grateful for that experience, because I learned so much more than I would have learned had I not made the mistakes. God instructed me to become the strength, the draw, and the light for this lost midlife man. I have to admit I refused at first, because in my mind, he was not worth my time, he was deep in his current sin, and I had no compassion for him, whatsoever. I was totally wrong for that, because I needed to show my husband love, compassion, tempered with mercy, and I failed to do it.
Love and compassion are not the same, but you cannot truly love one another, if you do not have compassion to pair with that love. I was not doing it right—I had compassion for everyone else, but my midlife husband and this did not please God. My husband was just as deserving of the show of love and compassion as anyone else, but I withheld this from him, and I paid heavy consequences, as I suffered misery for my disobedience.
I also refused at first to treat him kindly, with love and acceptance, an open heart. I wanted him to come to me on bended knee, in remorse. I wanted what I wanted–him broken in pieces. What I did not realize at that point, was the man who was trying so hard to get close to me again, was already broken into emotional pieces. He needed help, he needed support, and he needed acceptance. Most of all, he needed love, and I failed in every way you could imagine.
This midlife man had a need for me to look beyond his sin, his wrong actions, to see how I could meet him halfway, help him across the emotional bridge I had constructed, and guide him through the emotional door I had propped open for his eventual return. I FAILED, he emotionally cycled, and I could not escape the consequences for my failure. Oh, I did not learn the first time–it took multiple times, that became harder each time, the cycle went around, and back to the beginning, before I realized that I was going to have to just decide to do what I was instructed to do. The cycles of misery are not fun, and I went through each one, the next cycle was always worse than the previous one before it.
I was making the situation harder on myself, because I was hurting myself each time I refused to obey God’s advice–that was right on the money. In time, I did obey Him, but it took me putting a solid hurt on myself, before I finally realized that God really did, and does, know what He is talking about. He was asking me to model His way of drawing sinners toward Himself. God does not use brimstone, lightning, or force to draw sinners unto Him. He woos them, draws them, attracts them, loves them, accepts them, and looks beyond their sin to see their deepest needs.
God does not condone sin, but God is forgiving, loving, and faithful. We learn to love Him because He first loved us. People try to twist God’s Way of doing things, and claim that God is not going to instruct a left behind spouse to use the same methods He uses to draw sinners, because somehow that might mean that God condones sin, when He does NOT—He truly separates the sin from the sinner.
God loves the sinner, while He hates the sin. I know this is true, because I listened in awe to God calmly and lovingly explain so much of why my husband acted in the rebellious ways He did. God did not offer excuses; He offered explanations so that I would better understand the hows and whys of the situation I was facing.
Though I know that an emotional door is open in cases of physical adultery, God really does hate divorce, and if He is able to positively influence the left behind spouse into choosing this harder emotional road, God will assist the left behind spouse in the process of overcoming the sin that has been committed against them.
When the midlife crisis is done and finished, He will assist in renewal, reconciliation, and rebuilding of a marriage that has been fully ravaged by the emotional storm of the midlife crisis. Until that time comes, there is a long emotional road to be walked by both people to get there, and everything becomes a process.
You learn to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and trust God to help you to help your midlife spouse overcome their personal battles. The left behind spouse cannot give direct help, but there is nothing stopping them from giving INdirect help, such as listening, validating, encouraging, loving, caring, compassion, and praying without ceasing for the pain-filled midlife spouse.
I do not advise the way that I do in regards to the return of the midlife spouse who is weak, tired, exhausted, and searching for the open emotional door that the left behind spouse should be holding open, just to be talking. I have never seen a variation on the advice I give people when the midlife spouse returns broken. I counsel showing them love, acceptance, an open door, and an open heart.
I have run into serious arguments, in this area, many times in the past, because human PRIDE is a very serious deterrent, an emotional obstacle, if you will, to learning to do as Jesus would do.
When Jesus was on this Earth, He loved everybody, no matter who they were, nor what they had done. True, He held His own with the Scribes and Pharisees, but they were an arrogant and very prideful lot who considered themselves “holier than thou.” Jesus targeted their behavior, but He still loved them.
He came to save, not to condemn, and He reached out a helping hand to everyone in need. It made no difference to Him. From the Earthly highest of high, to the lowest of the low, it was all the same to Jesus.
I have seen left behind spouses in the past, who have thought to set themselves high and judge the rebellious midlife spouse in sin–then wondered why the situation went into a continuous cycle that did not break until the left behind spouse learned what they were supposed to learn.
It is good food for thought to consider in light of the fact that no one, but no one is the epitome of perfection. No one is totally good, just like no one is totally evil. Every person has a problem that leads into emotional issues.
Pride goeth before a fall, and PRIDE is one of the seven deadly sins that come out of the heart.
Prideful and self-righteous left behind spouses are truly guilty of casting emotional “stones,” when they are not any better, or any worse than the midlife spouse they seek to judge, cast out, and even abandon. It is simply because they want perfection from them, full redevelopmental growth, before they will even consider allowing them to return. Worse than that, they claim they are only trying to protect their families, but the truth is, they are only wanting what they want–and God has NO place in their wants.
When they find out the affair partner is still in the background, they make sure the midlife spouse is pressured out, or even forced to leave, because they are not acting or doing as the still-immature left behind spouse thinks they should act or do. It is shameful how the broken midlife spouse is often treated when they come crawling back for help.
These prideful left behind spouses always miss the important lesson of loving one another, as Christ has loved us.
He or she who is without sin, let him or her cast that first stone–and none of us can do it, because none of us are without sin…therefore not in a place to judge like God can. Be careful that God does not bring His Hand of Judgment down on you, for refusing to learn the lessons of love, compassion, kindness, letting go, forgiveness, acceptance, and healing. I have been there, and was subjected to this, as God firmly came down on me, for failing to obey Him, and for judging my former midlife spouse in ways, I had no right to judge.
Building an emotional bridge for the purpose of allowing the midlife spouse to eventually connect to the left behind spouse is a necessity, because attraction to a light never occurs all at one time. It is slow, takes time, and the still-confused midlife spouse wants to make sure they will have someone to go to, to be with so they will not be alone. Selfish, I know, but it is as I have said elsewhere–if you want a future reconciliation of your marriage to hopefully occur after the midlife crisis is finished, you tend to do whatever you think is necessary to help make that happen.
One person cannot solidify a connection on their own—this always takes two—one to put their pride, arrogance, anger, and still-existing immaturity aside, to offer an olive branch that can lead toward peace–and the other to accept this, and even then, it is still touch and go on both sides.
Once I realized that none of the pride, arrogance, anger, and immaturity I had in me was going to serve me in helping to bring about a new connection–I had a decision to make, and I chose to obey the Lord in all things.
I do not know about any of you—but as for me and my house, we will always serve the Lord. I know what He is capable of, and I know what when you act in obedience, He will always take care of you.
This is never the case when you are talking about a midlife spouse who continues to run away in rebellion during replay. If they do not get it together for themselves, they will become stuck in replay for as long as it takes them to finally see that walking the straight path is the best option.
No midlife spouse who seeks to leave their old life behind in favor of a new life, is ever allowed to do this. There is no exit, avoid, or escape from committed sin that damages the sinner directly, while having an indirect effect on the left behind spouse.
God, who is capable of all things keeps the memories of shame, guilt, and what was done that cannot be undone, fresh in the sinner’s mind, and they’ll never escape the consequences for their sin.
The rebellious midlife spouse’s future lot is a life of unrelenting, and unending misery. I do not care what the midlife spouse says, or how they try to convince people they are fine, etc. God knows differently, God has shown me differently, and IF the left behind spouse ever became nothing more than “white noise” in an emotional background filled with rebellion—the midlife spouse would not have an incentive to ever return to the left behind spouse whom God has instructed to Stand.
NO LEFT BEHIND SPOUSE is EVER FORGOTTEN, EVER, because the midlife spouse cannot do wrong, and get by. They are taken back in memory over and over again to where they committed these sins against their spouse, their marriage and themselves. The midlife spouse can ask God for forgiveness, and does receive it–but keep in mind, this torment that God visits, is NOT a retraction of His forgiveness, but a solid consequence for the sin that was committed.
God’s forgiveness was never designed to remove the consequences that follow every sin that is committed–forgiveness and consequences are separate entities–they are not one and the same.
God speaks of reaping (consequences) what one has sown (actions that lead into consequences), for a season, but He is not specific on the time of a season, nor how long it will be.
Never, ever discount the power of God within your lives, and your families–because God knows the heart, the need, and He knows exactly what to do to influence the consequential fall that always happens when sin is committed against an innocent person.
Last of all, there is hope, there is always hope, as long as there is love in your heart for your midlife spouse. ((HUGS))
Food for thought.