Why is the LBS not equipped to help the MLCer?
If it were possible for the left behind spouse to “fix” the midlife spouse, and it’s not, no person on this Earth would ever learn to access the inside solution that is found in God, and Self, so they can learn how to deal with various outside problems that life will always present to them for solving.
We already know that the left behind spouse cannot help the midlife spouse, NOR can the midlife spouse help the left behind spouse—the journey into full emotional growth for both people was never meant to be a “couple” journey–that’s a whole separate aspect that won’t occur UNTIL the midlife crisis is done and past.
There are separate individual times of growth, and there are “couple” times of growth, and these aren’t the same thing. The people in the marriage cannot help each other until one has actually “outgrown” the other, as in the case of the left behind spouse who may have triggered the midlife spouse, but finds their spouse is fighting against the boundaries that were set as a result of the left behind spouse’s growth, OR the left behind spouse who has been triggered by the midlife spouse, and just like the midlife spouse is flat refusing to accept change that has occurred within the marriage.
The left behind spouse does NOT have the knowledge, nor the emotional tools designed to help the midlife spouse–because they are not at a required place of growth—they are as immature as the midlife spouse who has emotionally bombed them. Immaturity must be outgrown, and transformed into maturity that is capable of standing firm on limits set on bad behavior, and the left behind spouse isn’t there.
I wasn’t “there” when I was bombed either. I had a lot to learn. I was not equipped to help my husband until two things had occurred–I had to grow into the place of being emotionally strong, and able to accept that my changes might possibly influence him into walk away from me, and two, he had to come into a place of being receptive to my changes, so that he might respond in growth after reacting in anger. This was not an easy road for either of us to walk.
I’m NOT condoning the midlife affair–that is a serious relational mistake made by the midlife spouse who is desperately searching for an outside source to fix an inside problem. Since there are the past issues of the emotionally immature children to consider, emotional immaturity dictates that someone must be found who is an emotional “fit” for them. This person (in their minds) would be able to “fix” them, “comfort” them, make them feel “special” and make them feel good about themselves. This is an emotional need that the midlife spouse will NOT allow the left behind spouse to meet, because the midlife spouse has become different during this time.
The midlife spouse’s perception has changed, and believe it not, they PERCEIVE the left behind spouse as being “above” them, “greater” than them, being so much stronger than they are, they perceive themselves as being unworthy of the left behind spouse’s love, attention, and regard. Most midlife spouses decide that the left behind spouses no longer “need” them, (a perceived “mind reading” mistake) besides the fact the midlife spouse is temporarily NOT attracted to the left behind spouse. This “loss of attraction” is due to the resurrection of the midlife spouse’s PAST emotional issues–this is NOT about the left behind spouse at all.
That’s why it doesn’t matter what the left behind spouse does or says, the crisis will continue, because it really is NOT about the left behind spouse, nor did the left behind spouse cause this. They will have their own crisis to deal with, because of what the midlife spouse has done in the area of having emotionally bombed the left behind spouse. This caused change that will never be reversed. What has been done, cannot be redone.
I do my best to catch people early enough in this process, to try and convince them to separate themselves from all of the drama, stop trying to reason with the midlife spouse, because the midlife spouse feels nothing for the left behind spouse, and if the left behind spouse doesn’t leave them alone, the possibility and probability of the marriage coming back together decreases more as time goes on.
It’s all about learning early and well. This is experience speaking, not a pipe dream, not a theory, and not something I made up just to draw a crowd. This is what I know, and I have guided so many over the years. I have lost more people than I have helped to finish, but that was not on me, that was about the stubborn left behind spouse who didn’t listen to the advice I knew would work.
The earlier the left behind spouse gets their feet on their personal journey, the faster they’ll learn to become independent, and the more quickly the midlife spouse will hopefully perceive that all connections are being cut between themselves, and the left behind spouse–this triggers perceived loss almost every time.
But some people don’t listen to me, do even more damage, because in their minds, what do I know? I used to do this same thing with my mentor–she was like I am now, in a successfully reconciled marriage, and their midlife crisis was over 20 years prior to the time that God tortured her (YES, I do mean that), with the task of guiding ME through this time, and I’m telling you, she was one tough lady, and she had to be to deal with me.
Had she NOT convinced me to begin my journey, and had God also not stayed on my case, I would NOT be married now–that was something my husband did touch on, because he also said that he watched me becoming more angry, and I was miserable, and that was something that factored into the fact that he almost left me. I wouldn’t leave him alone!
I did all the wrong things, people–and I, too, tread the very edge of the emotional ice, nearly losing my own marriage. It wasn’t him speaking empty justifications, he was in a place of mental clarity, and he was telling the truth, because I knew what he was talking about. They do remember how they were treated during the deepest time of their crisis experience during Replay.
I have been there, done that, bought and worn that T-Shirt. I know what works, and what doesn’t work, and when you do the opposite of what I’m advising, you’re letting me know that you THINK you know more than I do. Quite honestly, I will let you go, because I have nothing to lose by backing off, and letting you fall and break your face on the edge of this emotional ice that YOU are slipping and sliding on.
I’m not here just for my health, and I sure ain’t here for the money, LOL, I’m here for YOU. In obedience to the instruction of GOD, who has sent me to help you, I’m on the bank of this frozen river, reaching out with a stick to try and help you out, so we can start this journey together…your choice, not mine.
This is what I deal with, as people struggle to accept what’s happened, and the next question they have is why can’t THEY (the left behind spouse) help the midlife spouse. After all, their reasoning (and it was once mine, too), is that they know the midlife spouse better than anyone, but I’m telling you don’t know them “better” than anyone–NOT RIGHT NOW–which leads me into my next point, and the purpose of answering your question.
It’s all about the fact that both people have a separated journey to walk. If the left behind spouse were always charged with helping the midlife spouse, where would there be time and opportunity for the left behind spouse’s journey? There wouldn’t be, because the midlife spouse would consume every bit of time and energy, the left behind spouse. Furthermore, the midlife spouse would always use the left behind spouse to continue avoiding themselves. As a result, the left behind spouse would NEVER learn to figure out who they are without the midlife spouse.
It would be an endless cycle, of becoming drawn into infinite drama, because the midlife spouse will NOT help themselves UNTIL they are shown a spouse who has achieved emotional growth that is greater than their own immaturity. This is translated as having learned to let go of a desired outcome, setting firm, but loving boundaries, and in many ways, becoming strong enough to trigger the midlife spouse into growth that will eventually lead into full emotional maturation–and this takes time.
That’s why neither person can “fix” each other…each person has to learn to “fix” themselves. This crisis dictates that neither person is supposed to have the capability to help the other.
Have any of you ever wondered why I can help the left behind spouse, but NOT the midlife spouse? I’m NOT equipped to help the midlife spouses, and I am an “outsider” whom the midlife spouses do NOT trust, because their immaturity says I’m trying to control THEM. Its one of the major reasons, people are advised to NOT discuss the midlife crisis with their midlife spouse, NOR are they to reveal my resources. It could spell the end of the hope for one’s marriage–besides the midlife spouse wouldn’t listen to me in the first place–they are NOT receptive to a Voice of Reason.
All the midlife spouse will choose to see is that I’m an unwanted, and undesired interference in their lives, and the lives of left behind spouses who have hope, won’t let go, and the midlife spouse usually projects their immature anger upon me. I’ve been accused of brainwashing left behind spouses in past times. I don’t let it bother me, that’s about them, and not me. I know what I’m doing, they don’t, LOL!!
Just like the left behind spouses that come to me for help, I cannot pierce the fog of the midlife spouse’s denial that anything is wrong with them. In their perception, their spouse, and their marriage is the root cause of their problems.
The left behind spouse is deluded (I’ve been there, too) when they think they’re the best option to help the midlife spouse who is NOT listening, NOT receptive, and honestly doesn’t care what the left behind spouse thinks, nor how they feel. This is due to the fact that the midlife spouse has buried their feelings under many layers of wrong justification for their rebellion. In time, these feelings will return, when their perception has begun to reverse from wrong to right.
We often talk about the midlife spouses who forsake those who don’t agree with them…hello? NO ONE can help them, except God, who can work with the heart, and their Self, which is waiting for the outside perception of the midlife spouse to turn inward, and this doesn’t happen until THEY learn to reverse their focus from outside to inside.
Along this same line of thought, I am unable to help the left behind spouse until THEY learn to do the same thing, and begin to understand what I’m trying to convey in everything I write that’s intended to help increase the left behind spouse’s understanding….and the left behind spouse has the mental clarity that the midlife spouse does NOT have.
I can also help you, because I’ve already walked that road, AND because my help, through the information I write, is a necessary aspect. If you think about it, I help the left behind spouse get themselves together, learn how to grow, and I help prepare them for the time when the midlife spouse decides to return back for the second half of the midlife crisis.
However, there does come a time, when it no longer matters IF the midlife spouse ever decides to return, because the left behind spouse learns to internalize, or I hope they do, the lesson of control–the fact that no one can control anyone but themselves.
The midlife spouse is quite capable of asking for help, and getting the right kind of help, but because of their weakness, and because their perception of “help” is rooted in emotional sin that is committed against their spouse, they will seek to recreate a wrong dynamic, in order to outgrow it into a right dynamic.
The whole crisis is emotionally-based from the beginning to the end. In time, IF they’re simply left alone to their own devices, because you can’t control them anyway, they should, in time, outgrow enough of their immature selfishness, to hopefully wake up, and return home to finish this with the help of the left behind spouse–and this is a process contained inside of a process.
Now, what happens when you outgrow something, and perceive it’s no longer needed?
You walk away and LEAVE it–this is built into human nature to discard what is no longer needed. God didn’t intend for people to use, abuse, and discard each other in a consistent cycle–that’s destructive and defeats the purpose of choosing to remain married.
The midlife spouse will temporarily leave the marriage–that’s a fact, and leaving, or abandonment isn’t just physical–it’s mental and emotional. This explains how a midlife spouse can be physically present, but NOT present emotionally and mentally. This aspect occurs in every midlife crisis/transition…no exceptions.
The left behind spouse does NOT contain the knowledge, nor do they contain the actual issues the left behind spouse needs to see “mirrored” for the actual recreation of a past childhood issue, (this was NEVER meant to happen) because the midlife spouse “becomes different.”
Because of this emotional alteration, or “difference” the left behind spouse no longer fits the emotional needs of the midlife spouse. This change in perception was actually meant to be that way, because it’s the same for the left behind spouse–the midlife spouse no longer fits THEIR emotional needs either. Both people have become different for a time, and they will separate, because they NEED to separate, or draw apart for the purpose of individual Self-Growth.
The midlife spouse makes their biggest mistake when they begin to subconsciously search for outside aspects to “fix” an inside problem. This is because neither they NOR the left behind spouse has ever been taught to look within for the answers that have always been there.
This is because the past emotional damage that caused the unresolved issues from the past, came from the outside of that person, so, they tend to repeat an emotional pattern based on what they were taught as children. Remember until a person has been educated in a better way, they will always resort to past “known” emotional patterns designed for self gratification. This is another aspect the midlife crisis was based upon.
Some people speak in scientific terms, but the plain English version dictates that people are materialistic, pleasure-seeking, addicted to chemicals, all outside fixes. These were designed to try and cure an internal pain that is only resolved by learning to look within, find, face, and go through the process of completing the inner resolution of their past issues.
The pain-filled person who has not been taught any differently, will mistakenly substitute these outside aspects for the emotional inner work they should be doing on Self. Instead, they’re buying stuff, spending money, taking drugs, drinking alcohol, and chasing after new relationships. These are temporary fixes meant to dull the pain within, but these outside solutions to try and fix an inside problem never last for long before the same emotional problems will arise again.
Don’t fall into the emotional trap of thinking you can help the midlife spouse early in this process, because you, as the left behind spouse, were not meant to stand in the place of God, who is the only person that can assist the midlife spouse during this time. You need to learn to take the time to save yourself first, then learn to help yourself by beginning to walk your own journey, and lastly, achieve a solid state of strong emotional growth that moves you beyond your midlife spouse. Only then, AFTER the midlife spouse begins to turn back toward you, can you use the tools you’ve been supplied with to begin helping the midlife spouse start their growth. ((HUGS))
Food for thought.
