Though the midlife affair is one of the most common running behaviors of the midlife crisis, I write very little about it here on my blog. I have a vast amount of information contained in many past writings, but other than give this aspect a “nod” here and there, I see no reason to put any real emphasis on the midlife affair.
The reason for this should be obvious, but the majority of questions I receive are on the affair, or a left behind spouse gets on a “soap box” and seeks to defend their actions because of an article I have written that has stung them with its truth. On my own part, I do not care to hear the defenses, the stories, nor the explanations of why you think you are “entitled” to know everything there is to know about your midlife spouse’s affair. Their sin has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your midlife spouse, who has made a wrong choice, and this choice is all about them.
The main purpose of this blog site is to write informational articles that will give direct help to the left behind spouse who is searching for understanding and recognition of the midlife crisis, to teach the lessons of life, and to help people learn how to deal in a healthy way with their midlife spouse. Anything else would be drawing people into drama that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with their midlife spouse, who is going to do what they are going to do when they are going to do it.
Since when did knowing every sordid detail of how an affair begins, how it progresses forward (or backward, as perception chooses to see it), how an affair is ended, and the emotional battles that occur, plus the consequences for dishonoring one’s Self when marital vows are destroyed, going to actually help a left behind spouse move forward in their journey?
It is a good question, because many a marriage has finished burning to the ground, because of loose-lipped midlife spouses who spill detail to a very vulnerable left behind spouse, just to get the guilt and shame off their conscience, and put it all on the left behind spouse who had nothing to do with this sin. On the other hand, the left behind spouse digs beyond what is necessary to know, and takes the affair personally, making it all about themselves. Too much detail is worse than just knowing necessary detail.
Do you really want to know what sexual positions they engaged in, IF sex is involved? Do you really think the other woman or other man has some “magic” something you do not? Do you honestly believe the affair partner was out to wreck your marriage when the affair itself was still a friendship that crossed a moral and ethical line? Are you still putting the whole of the blame on the affair partner?
Instead of seeing the actual truth–your midlife spouse chose a wrong path that destroyed the marriage–you are allowing Satan to influence you into giving your full attention to what the midlife spouse and their affair partner is doing. As a result, you will become distracted from what is more important–your relationship with God, yourself, and your family, all of whom need more of your attention than your wayward, midlife spouse.
You may hate the midlife spouse for what they did. You may despise them for what they have done. You may also talk about getting a divorce, get on with your life, and hope you never see them again. Well, good for you, because maybe that is the best thing for both you and the midlife spouse! If you cannot learn to separate out your responsibility for the contributions on your part that led into the breakdown of your marriage, then I would hope you would be able to face this same aspect in your next relationship, because that is exactly what will happen.
I read a lot of hateful writings that are focused on what the midlife spouse did, and the bitterness that comes off those words drives me nuts–forgiveness cannot be found, and all I read is “What he did,” or “What she did.”
Where have I advised you to put your sole focus on your adulterous midlife spouse? Where? I know they commit adultery, I know some of them irresponsibly get the other woman pregnant, or get pregnant by the other man.
However, again, what has that to do with the journey you are supposed to be taking??? Hello??? Where in all of the advice I have written over time does it say you are supposed to ‘dog’ the steps of a midlife spouse, following their path of sin, just so you can know how to deal with them in a right way? How many times has it been written that in order to know how to deal with a midlife spouse, the left behind spouse must focus on Self, walk their own journey, detach, drop the rope, let go, let God work in the situation, and allow Him to lead their steps going forward? How many times??? Hundreds?? Thousands?? Millions??
People seem to want to hurt themselves even more when they ask for, and often receive information on a betrayal that creates a heavier emotional burden. Some things are better left unknown, and left alone. It should become enough to know the midlife spouse is either having an affair, or has had an affair. It is enough to know there is an issue, or a set of issues contained within that drove them into committing this sin. They are the only ones who can make the choice to face, resolve, and eventually heal the issues that influenced them down this adulterous road.
One more thing–you were not even on their mind when they chose this path. What makes you think you are so special, and you have so much emotional power over the midlife spouse that you pushed them into cheating on you? To do that, you would have to have had complete control of their minds, emotions, and power to make decisions, and you did not have any of this in your control.
You cannot control what the midlife spouse chooses to do–as a matter of fact, you cannot control what anyone does but what you choose to do for yourself. You did not break them, therefore you cannot fix them. No matter what they say to justify what they have done, you did not “drive” them into having an affair, they made that choice for themselves. You did not twist their arms, nor force them to choose a path of sin that will destroy their innocence, and turn their lives into a long period of guilt and shame they will carry for quite some time before they learn to forgive themselves. And, that is IF they ever do.
You do not have to know the whole of the details within the midlife affair, so why, oh why, would you torture yourself in this way? That is not a question I can answer, but one you should consider the next time you make another discovery that sends your mind down a road that is not yours to travel.