Note from the Author: This is another article based on a past forum post I had written. It is edited for flow, content, continuity, and it reflects more of what I have learned about this particular aspect.
Bear in mind that not every mid-life spouse goes through their transitional period/mid-life crisis in exactly the same way within this aspect of showing constant anger. However, they will all have serious struggles within that will lead to times of intense anger, whether the left-behind spouse sees some of it, most of it, all of it, or none of it.
Just because constant anger may not be seen by the left-behind spouse does not mean their mid-life spouse has not experienced, or will not experience, this aspect.
Every mid-life spouse has their burden and cross to bear. Explaining these various aspects, and teaching emotional survival to the left-behind spouse is really important to me.
As each person is different, each mid-life transition is different, what one will do, another will not. Each difference will certainly show, based on each one’s unique way of navigating through this time of trial.
This next discourse will be on stepping back and allowing the mid-life spouse to become angry, because sometimes, people need to get angry to get better. Be willing to step back, and simply watch in a detached way, while the mid-life spouse spews their anger outward from time to time during their crisis, because this helps to burn the anger out of them. Being allowed to express and resolve the anger they were unable to during their childhood, is a very necessary part of navigating through the mid-life crisis as a whole.
The nearly constant anger within the mid-life spouse, which shows the most during their replay phase/stage, we already know does not end with the anger phase of the mid-life crisis.
There are different aspects shown within their anger, as it reaches its zenith during the highest point of replay, when rebellion and emotional regression are at their most overt. However, once that point is reached, then their anger seems to begin trying to calm down, as they continue growing forward within their still-ongoing emotional journey.
Intense bouts of anger can still be triggered through various situations they do not handle well, because the inward pressure (due to their past issues they are struggling with during this time), continues to build upward within themselves. When enough emotional pressure is built up, and this literally “comes to a head,” the mid-life spouse will then spew outward.
That is why they appear to be living on the emotional “edge” most of the time, and do not have a lot of emotional control during this time.
This lack of emotional control combines with serious inward-to-outward rebellion during this same time of emotional regression. As a result, one will see more of their anger spewing out in many various different ways; even to the point of being turned inward, as in the case of depression. Each time the anger-related pressure explodes outward, it is something to see.
The mid-life spouse will use that anger in an attempt to intimidate and try to back down anyone who tries to hold them accountable for their actions. They get angry because they are told NO within the setting of boundaries. Their anger continually clouds their judgment, and angry decisions are made, fueled by this same aspect, that often lead to serious destruction.
Let us not forget they project their anger upon the left-behind spouse every chance they get. The mid-life spouse will also use blame and justification to ensure that they will not have to take responsibility for the destructive results that can happen, and often do, as their anger continues spiraling out of control.
No one likes to see this kind of anger. However, this anger really does serve a purpose; quite often, anger will bring clarity when nothing else can or will. Also, the mid-life spouse’s anger can serve to cut through their deep confusion, and help shine a temporary “light” into their muddled thinking.
On the other hand, this intense kind of anger can also bring forth actions that come to be regretted, as well. Anger can fuel a total loss of control, and propel them into actions they may not have committed otherwise.
At times like that, simply get out of the way, get out of the line of fire, and back completely off until they cool down.
It never helps to get angry back. One must learn to stay calm, evenly balanced at all times, even though you may find yourself simmering under the surface.
Guilt and shame, become fear, and that same fear will translate right into anger. The actual fear of their issues within can come forth as anger.
Being completely miserable can also come forth as anger at themselves. They hurt, but since they don’t want to look within, in anger, they lash out.
This same anger is often used in a most disrespectful way toward people who put pressure on them. Emotionally pushing the mid-life spouse can also bring on an angry attack.
The constant internal pressure, spoken of earlier, the mid-life spouse faces within their ongoing crisis also brings on anger within them, bringing out the dark side within them. This will also trigger the extremely angry spewing they all do.
Do not think for one second they do not know they are being angry. They know at the time they are doing it, but cannot seem to help themselves, because they are emotionally out of control. The mid-life spouse is angry at everything, nothing calms them, everything irritates them.
It is much the same as what happens in puberty within teenagers as they are struggling to become adults, and that rite of passage is difficult at best.
However, just as you would set boundaries with teenage children to prevent them from controlling you, you will need to set boundaries with the mid-life spouse to prevent this same thing.
Always have a nondestructive consequence in mind, such as saying you will walk out of the room if they continue their tirade at you. Never lay down an ultimatum you are not prepared to carry through, and I do not advise throwing them out, UNLESS, they are intent on hurting you physically. In that case, you call the police, and have them arrested. There is never any excuse for physical violence.
You do have some mid-life spouses that begin spewing so angrily, they will call the left-behind spouse vile and nasty names–set a boundary on that aspect immediately, because it is clearly disrespectful behavior on their part.
You can also say that if they do not have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything. If they persist, walk out on them. If you are followed, walk out of that next room, enforcing what you have said. You do not have to put up with this kind of behavior, and you calmly and firmly tell them this. Do not back down, calmly enforce your boundary.
You cannot stop them from being angry, you cannot even tell them they cannot be angry-you do not have any control over them. Right or wrong, they have a right to how they feel, just as you do. You would only have control over what you choose to do or say.
You can only tell them that you will not put up with it, and that you will not stay in the same room with them, as you do have the right to say this. This may anger them further, but remember to stay completely detached, simply look at them, and act AS IF you do not care, and give them their space to be angry.
Yes, it may bring on even more anger, but it should also bring forth clarity within them. On the surface, they may reject the boundary, but their conscience(or what’s left of it) engages them in battle to try and help them work through and overcome their anger.
The point is, it does not matter what you do or say, you will see the anger within them, and it must come out, in order to eventually burn out.
Choose your battles carefully, though, because not everything is worth fighting over, and there are certain times when engaging the mid-life spouse is not worth the emotional price you may pay for the engagement.
However, that’s not to say you must walk on eggshells or be a doormat for them to walk on.
There are times when pushed, they will walk out, run away, show extreme amounts of anger, throw things, and pitch tantrums.
Since you can’t control what they do, it is sometimes better if you simply walk away from them, letting them throw their fit to an empty room.
You also need to remember the anger inside of them, that is spewing outward, has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. As hard as it is to understand, they are living in a past time before they ever knew you, and though it seems they are directing it toward you, most of the time they are not doing it in quite this way.
After a particularly hard bout of angry, confused spewing, you might hear them say they are sorry, and you might hear this apology given more than once. However, give them some time, they will get angry once more, and the whole routine will start again.
Eventually, the anger should burn out, but it takes awhile before it does. The anger they feel and spew outward at what seems like the drop of a hat is based on a number of things.
the guilt, shame, misery, and pain they feel within themselves.
through within themselves that the left-behind spouse cannot see.
As hard as it is not to take the anger personally, you must make up your mind not to internalize it. Again, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
You can even see ongoing bouts of anger as late as the final stage of the crisis. However, these will show in a completely different way, as the mid-life spouse continues emotionally cycling back and forth; at times opening up to vocalize how they are feeling, at other times closing down to continue processing themselves within.
The mid-life spouse becomes completely aware of their anger at that point, making more of a point of getting it under control, as they continue outgrowing this particular aspect. They are more sincere in their apologies to the left-behind spouse for their show of anger.
The guilt and shame over all they have done in the way of damage will also continue to fuel their anger until you finally see it burn out completely.
Like any other aspect of the mid-life crisis, it all takes time. As they continue processing within the aspect of facing, resolving, and healing of their past issues, these bouts of constant anger will eventually resolve in full.
