This answering commentary comes in answer to several questions.
Thank you for your clear and direct questions. I’m on a mission to continue trying to enlighten people, not just in the area of the midlife crisis, but I’m also a teacher of Life’s Lessons, and of the various aspects of our Life’s Journey (that many people *love* to hate). 🙂
I cannot stress enough the importance of taking this personal journey for one’s self. It might not seem like it at the time you’re walking it, but the Journey to Wholeness and Healing will lead to a time of emotional peace and stability, as one truly accepts and learns to love themselves in ways that were not possible before. Believe me, having attained these same things for myself, it was worth every hard step I took along the way, and worth every major battle I fought to get to the place I’m in now.
If I had not done this for myself, no one could have benefited from all that was changed within myself.
I didn’t come out of this trial the same person I was going in. If I had, all I had endured, would have been for naught. In time, I would have gone through it again, only the next time would have been much harder than before.
This knowledge also applies to the midlife spouse, left-behind spouse, and anyone else who is called upon to go through any trial within the span of their lives.
Change truly began with me. If I hadn’t begun this process, I could not have triggered this in anyone else. While your question is about the midlife spouse, this same question could also target yourself, as well. 🙂 Both people are to “become” fully emotionally mature as a result of this same process. It’s not taken in the same way for both people, but the end result is the same.
Any time a person goes through a trial of any kind–change comes forth, that leads to growth, that leads to becoming what God means for them to become as a result, if the person will allow these things to happen.
Triggered by the onset of the transitional period, the initial Journey to Wholeness and Healing needs to occur for BOTH people. This triggers a lifelong experience of change, growth and becoming within the areas of spirituality, emotional and mental maturation which should never stop. This same experience will only end, if the individual that’s on it, decides to drop out of it for whatever reason. However, if that happens, something will certainly happen to bring them into this place again–get their attention, and literally pressure them into picking up where they left off.
Most people, who don’t choose to learn life’s lessons, are so busy carrying out the same avoidance behavior they so often accuse their midlife spouses of doing, they would rather cast emotional stones and shatter the mirror thrown up before them than to take this honest inward look, and learn to help themselves.
What they don’t realize is they are wasting far too much energy fighting the process. It would be wiser to use this same energy to settle into the learning process that’s much more rewarding than to keep running away–and cycling back into it again, given some time. However, to be fair, taking the time to examine oneself honestly IS scary, but if it’s not begun, one cannot hope to help trigger the growth of another.
May I ask this question based on your own experience (even though each case is individual)?
We know our spouse’s inherent, core, stable identity and personality beneath the many layers
of emotional distress presently being experienced. A baseline/standard of-sorts – known from
years of close relationship. If and when a midlife spouse should choose to return to a left-behind spouse with intent to rebuild the relationship, is the midlife spouse markedly different in recognizable ways?
All midlife spouses, should they choose to return to begin attempting a new connection with the left-behind spouse toward the end of the Replay stage will always return in a place of emotional brokenness, in sore need of help so they can rebuild themselves in time.
Their midlife crisis is all about them, and when they return, they don’t return whole and healed, this is not possible to achieve.
Every person needs a Stanchion to stand with and for them, and growth is much harder to achieve, taking more time if they think to do it on their own.
If they cannot learn to deal with themselves, how can you expect them to ever learn to deal with you? It always takes two people to teach each other how to treat each other.
This wish that the left-behind spouse doesn’t have to do anything, while the midlife spouse does everything isn’t what will happen. What happens is the road toward total resolution becomes progressively harder, for both people, because both people should be changing, growing and becoming as time moves forward.
The one with full clarity (left-behind spouse) will lead the one will little to no clarity (midlife spouse).
As the left-behind spouse changes, it will trigger changes in the midlife spouse; this was how this journey was designed in the first place. In order to learn how to function within a relationship, one has to learn about themselves. This involves learning what one will and won’t accept in the way of behavior from other people, learning to set appropriate boundaries designed to stop a path of bad behavior.
The left-behind spouse is also called upon to lead by example, hence, these same changes. It is the only way the midlife spouse could even begin to grow up, should they choose to do this.
For any differences to show within the midlife spouse, the left-behind spouse must orchestrate the changes with the help of the Lord.
One of the most marked changes one can see within the midlife spouse, post-crisis, is the learned ability to truly love in an unconditional way for the first time in their lives. Their world becomes “wrapped” around the left-behind spouse in ways not before seen. They become protective of the relationship, and instead of always thinking about themselves, they seek to understand spouse’s emotional needs and does their best to meet those. They become “inter-dependent” rather than “co-dependent,” still retaining their individuality while remaining as part of a relationship. In essence, their lives are separate, yet they clearly recognize their commitment to the person they are married to.
One also sees their willingness to take complete responsibility and ownership on their own part for the damage that was done during the worst of the mid-life crisis, and a willingness to do whatever it will take to mend the fences that were broken during that time. These things are shown in part during the crisis itself, but once the crisis is exited out by way of the Final Fears, a time of renewal, rebuilding, and reconciliation begins that leads forward into a full showing of, “I did this, I’m truly sorry. What can I do to ensure it doesn’t happen again?” kind of attitude.
Their relationships with their extended family takes on a different tone, too. No longer are they emotionally “bound” to their parents in unhealthy ways, they will have learned the value of boundaries that not only affect themselves, and their immediate family, but also their extended family. The changes they will make won’t just affect these two aspects, but also their relationships with others, their job, and even their friends, as they become more strong, more resolute people, in control of their emotional reactions, using responses, (rather than reactions), and they become even-tempered.
I’ve seen wisdom and knowledge gained that didn’t exist before this midlife experience was navigated in full. Most of all, once their healing is finished, they show as settled, peaceful, gentle, kind, and loving.
One last thing, their awareness becomes such they will come to know something has happened to them, and several people I have helped have been amazed at hearing their former midlife spouse speak some more of their experience and confirming once more the actual process that takes place. Not so much from an emotional place of regret, but from a true place of healing.
They come to know this for themselves, because the answers were right there within them all along. It took them some time to begin asking for these not long before they came to the end of their midlife crisis. Also, for what it’s worth, they also come to know what they went through in a more clear way, and are grateful the former left-behind spouse continued to stay with them during the worst of their transitional/midlife crisis period.
In time, when everything is past, and only seen from life’s rear-view mirror, if allowed to, they and their spouses will forget the actual experience, although neither person will forget the lessons they learned; these are important to remember, and somewhere within them, they know this. 🙂
Is the identity and personality shifted far from center? Has the emotional growth, maturation,
better understanding of self, reconciliation of issues, and experiences while in MLC led them
to a completely different perspective on their wants, needs, interests, likes, dislikes, values,
spirituality, etc.?
This experience does change their perception, their perspective, of and within themselves. Their personal direction becomes more clear, they will have resolved the “finding” of themselves (as what occurs in the “Who am I, where am I going” aspect) solidifying their self-identity, and though there may be some things that may not change, there will be other things that will change.
Each person is different, and while their changes will bring forth a balanced individual, whether you choose to accept them or not, will not lie on them–that will lie upon yourself. In turn, they, too, have this same choice of accepting your changes or not. To accept someone who has become different than what you used to know requires an adjustment to be made on the part of the one who is affected, or, both people can decide they don’t wish to accept each other as they have become, and walk away.
Such is the way of life and free will that God gave to all men as a gift. Change won’t occur all at once, so the adjustment required isn’t as sudden as some people might think it would be. Some things are so subtle that if you’re not looking for them, they’ll change before you realize it.
In some aspects they will show opposite ways of being, in other aspects, they will show more balanced ways of thinking. People do change throughout their lives. However, the midlife transitional period brings forth the most change, if they allow this process to work on and through them. They’ll learn to relate differently, think differently, even speak differently in ways. Things they would have said before, that were due to the unresolved issues that existed before the crisis will transform into a more mature way of speaking because they become more apt to use “solution-based” kinds of thinking. They’re also more likely to brainstorm things out, so they can figure out how to resolve problems, instead of trying to hand a problem off to someone else, like maybe they would have done before.
Sometime during the latter part of Acceptance, they begin a necessary “repackaging” of themselves which is very similar to the final “repackaging” that occurs within puberty. This is what “The Change” is also all about. Since they have faced everything, including the true opposite of themselves, they pick and choose how they will put themselves back together. They’ll discard some things in favor of others. Most of the “old” will be discarded in favor of “new” aspects. Some things will change, some things will remain the same–it’s really up to them. However, the emotionally immature aspects that were present within the people they were before the transitional period, are major aspects that will have been “burned” out of them as a result of the fires they endured during the midlife crisis.
In essence, their “becoming” is just like the Bible says, in 1st Corinthians 13 verse 11:
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Do they emerge with a stronger sense of self with clarity of darkness vs.
light, arrogance vs., humility, joy vs. hate, acceptance vs. conflict, etc.?
The midlife crisis is all about learning to strike a mature balance between the positive and negative sides of Self. The ongoing changes will show clearly in all they say and do over time–more after the transitional period, than during that time. Basically, they’ll go through a spiritual type of death, then a subsequent rebirth during the Final Fears that causes them to shed what they were, and this transforms them in ways yet to be seen over time.
The transitional period isn’t just about the emotional, mental, and physical dimensions. There is also a deeply spiritual dimension they will also face that leads to this transformation. Satan is alive and well during this time of trial, and he will do whatever he thinks is necessary to keep them in stuck in ongoing sin, that will always result in soul-rending guilt, shame, and if he can succeed in keeping them down, they will continue to lose touch with their sense of self.
That is why learning to develop one’s Intuition (the voice of God that doesn’t shout) and being willing to pray for your midlife spouse is so important. It’s because of the little-understood spiritual dimension that contains so many aspects. It seems to be an uphill battle at times, because you’re not just fighting against people who would unduly influence your midlife spouse down wrong paths, but you’re also fighting against unsavory evil influences as well.
There is a reason the mid-life crisis is an emotional, mental, physical AND spiritual battle on all fronts. For all the good there is in this world, there is evil that will certainly do its best to fight back, and swing the balance the other way. However, that’s a subject for another time. 🙂
Are they still focused on both personal goals, dreams and aspirations as well as unity of relationships, family, and quality
interpersonal relations?
But of course! A human being isn’t living if they don’t have personal goals, dreams, and aspirations for themselves. However those aspects won’t be pursued at the expense of their ongoing responsibilities. There is more of a balance achieved and shown within this area. Their families won’t be asked to “pay” for their selfishness because there won’t be any shown. There’s a huge difference in exercising self-care and acting selfishly. They will consider themselves, but at the same time, they will have learned to consider others as they continue reaching for the stars.
Not only that, but they’ll also become what they should have been long before–an encourager, one who gives space to their spouse for the purpose of allowing them to also focus in these areas for themselves, and they aren’t threatened by change, growth and becoming.
The emotionally immature person is threatened by these three aspects, when this occurs in their spouse, whereas the emotionally mature person clearly recognizes the purpose and need for this to happen in their spouse, and is OK with this. The mature person also comes to understand that no person is ever where they are forced to be; they understand that people are where they choose to be. And if a time comes when someone doesn’t want to be with them, anymore, they are understanding enough to let them go, with the knowledge they can’t make them love, as love is also a choice.
There is always a grieving when this happens–if it does–but in time, healing comes forth, and life goes on.
It’s hard to effectively explain the changed perspective and perception in a way that people, who have yet to reach this understanding, can truly understand. I know I didn’t have this piece of understanding years ago, because, in my mind, people were “locked in” to the place they came to, and again, in my mind, there wasn’t supposed to be a way to walk away from it.
Of course, I found out differently as I walked through all these things, and gained a whole new understanding. There does come a time when you love someone enough to let them go, and you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. You recognize that you can’t make people do what you might want them to do, but as long as you have hope and love, anything’s possible, and so you learn these things with the help of God, who knows all things. 🙂
I think I inadvertently answered the question about family somewhere above in the prior writing.
Or……are they coming out of a fog into relative maturity of that of an adolescent who has yet to develop experience into relational maturity?
Immediately after the lifting of the “veil” (the midlife fog) during the stage of Acceptance, their changes continue, leading them forward. In comparison to an adolescent, the answer to your question would have to be in a way, yes, and in a way, no. They may or may not have remaining issues to resolve within themselves, but their emotional maturing will continue forward in ways that the adolescent individual has yet to begin. The adolescent doesn’t have any real-life experience, whereas the midlife spouse already has experience that has come from having lived the first half of their life.
Unlike the adolescent, the midlife spouse will have already learned some relational aspects through their life’s experience that was occurring before the transitional period, and they will have learned a lot more (due to the left-behind spouse’s willingness to walk their own journey and apply what they are continuing to learn toward helping the midlife spouse’s own needed change, growth, and becoming) during their time of crisis.
All that would be left in the aspect of the mid-life spouse would be the ongoing learning of the actual application of what they already know and have learned in the relational area. Whereas, the adolescent hasn’t even begun to gain this kind of relational experience. In other words, the midlife spouse has been gaining this kind of experience all along, and is learning to apply it, the adolescent has yet to gain this kind of experience. And since it hasn’t been gained, because of lacking in experience within the adolescent, there would be no way of learning to apply what has yet to be learned, if that makes sense. 🙂
I know this is asking a lot. I’m just unclear how this complex MLC experience brings one from a point of total dysfunction into stability, contentment and peace in 5-7 years. What do LBS’s report as the person their MLC spouse became after healing?
The five to seven-year timeframe involving the midlife crisis is only speculation. The time taken to go through the transition can never be measured by those outside of the situation, it’s solely up to the person who is going through.
When the whole of the midlife crisis was done, and in the past, much better people came out, than had gone in. If their spouse was a good person before the transition, the transitional period simply refined their already good qualities and added more of a balance to what needed this aspect. If the spouse was seriously immature before their crisis, the changes they showed post-crisis were much more obvious.
Not all midlife spouses got involved in affairs, but that number has been very few. However, within the aspect of the ones that did have affairs during the crisis, there were some that still needed to heal in this area even after they exited the midlife crisis into the two healing processes. Some still had a few issues to deal with, and these took some time to resolve.
The successful completion of this time of life doesn’t guarantee that people won’t ever have to face anything else in their lives. It only helps to build a more stable and emotionally mature, platform (or foundation) for later dealings, as people will continue to face future times of trial and transition throughout their lives. However, this time of life has the capacity to provide the most excellent tools one can always utilize to face even the hardest of trials and continue to successfully navigate through in a victorious way.
I’ve also been asked what if a left-behind spouse truly doesn’t like what the midlife spouse transforms into at the end of the crisis/healing process, or vice-versa? That’s one question I cannot answer in a definitive way–it’s up to both people to either choose to stay together or not. I can’t answer all things, because some things are so personal they are only up to the person asking them.
I hope this helped. 🙂
Related posts where one can learn a little more about this: