A personal note from Hearts Blessing: Before this next piece is begun, I do not mind informing you that I am a very out-spoken, and strong advocate of this necessary journey I am about to describe. An extremely important aspect within the area of mid-life, this is the second aspect covered, once people begin arriving at a greater understanding of the mid-life transition.
As a real-life, and an online mentor, I successfully completed this aspect, and strive to help others to attain that same success. Once the journey to wholeness and healing reached completion within, I then continued to move forward within various advanced aspects that have led me into greater change, growth, and a deeper aspect of becoming what God still means for me to be in Him.
I know that to ignore, or attempt to avoid this journey will only bring it forth again. It is only a matter of time before this happens, not just possibly for you, dear reader, but for so many others who have cycled though this particular aspect more than once. This is not speculation; this is the truth.
Like so many people along this way, I started out perceiving this particular journey as nothing but more trouble. However, in time, I learned to see this as a true blessing from God, as it helped me gain important emotional tools useful for a lifetime. To this day, I am more than grateful for this golden opportunity from which I derived great benefit. Without this experience, I would still be cycling right back to the same aspects I avoided for many years.
In closing, my thanks be unto God, for His wisdom, grace and mercy. If not for Him, I would not be here today teaching what I know about mid-life. I extend my heartfelt thanks for taking the time to read thus far, dear reader.
Many times throughout a person’s life, every life’s trial that is squarely faced, and endured through, will always yield the opportunity to learn a variety of emotional lessons. These open the way to greater learning within. “The Determined Stanchion”, introduces the subject of the intensely personal journey that leads to wholeness and healing, opening the way for this particular writing.
Each person’s journey is different, based on the past (and sometimes present) issues contained within each one, just like the mid-life transition. If taken, the two paths of transition and the journey to wholeness and healing converge to make one path that eventually leads into healing. These lead toward a more fulfilled life, a renewed sense of purpose, and a closer relationship with God, without whom, all these things would not be possible.
However to begin a journey of a thousand steps or more, the first one must be taken. Therefore, we will begin our journey with the unwanted bomb drop that pushes one forward into questioning their deepest self. From the very first, a person is so angry and miserable that rational thinking is next to impossible, and self-victimization is the next aspect quickly achieved. Of course, this does nothing but create a vicious cycle of deeper anger and misery, but one becomes so stuck in a rut of the continuous asking of questions, anything else introduced at this time does not register within the mind, except the deep want to get out of all this trouble as soon as humanly possible. Each person displays a strong stubborn nature, and some plant their feet firmly for a time, refusing to move.
Until more questions are answered, which lead to a greater comprehension of the mid-life crisis, they will not move one inch forward, and stay stuck for a time. Some people go into a state called “analysis paralysis”, which simply means each way they could decide to go, and every decision available to them, becomes deeply fraught with over-cautionary thinking. Because of the underlying fear within that contributes to their inability to move forward for themselves, they choose not to do anything for a time, rooted to the spot, beginning a negative emotional cycle not easily broken.
However, for some people, who have managed to overcome the above aspects, and just beginning to grasp the basic concept of the journey to wholeness and healing, the right question comes forth: “Where is the beginning? How do I start? What do I need to do?”
The starting point begins within the only place people can never run away from: their deepest selves. It involves reaching deep within one’s self, and taking an honest inventory. One of the worst sins committed against Self, is lying. Lying to oneself, combined with denial creates an internal barrier that must be broken, before an honest facing can come forth within. This same process has also been also been described as removing the “dusty cover” from the “self-reflective mirror” that resides within each person. In nearly all cases, this same mirror must needs to be cleaned thoroughly of dust and debris, before self-reflection can begin.
So, what does one expect to see? Well, that depends, as each person is vastly different. However, one can expect to begin seeing shades of the person they once were, along with all areas that need change, growth, and becoming. These usually include past childhood issues that must be confronted for the very first time. This aspect of self-examination, can become quite frightening, most especially to one who has never done anything of this kind before. Since not every person is knowledgeable in the way of self-examination, there are two ways to do this.
One, God is always available to answer any questions through the gift of intuition,(the still small voice within, that does not shout) if this aspect is contained within oneself, and two, choosing to listen to whichever trusted person you have chosen to help you with this until this same gift is developed. This beginning aspect is the most time-consuming, as most people have not faced this before. This is either because they sincerely did not understand, as each opportunity arose, and somehow put it all away for another time, or because they have managed to successfully avoid this journey until deep emotional pain forced them into it.
Rest assured, regardless of the type of help received, there comes a time when some of the issues, along with some of the aspects go through a beginning process of healing within the person. As this process continues, the next aspect is a rather shocking one, as this person begins to know, and understand that the person they married in years past is not the person they thought they were. This seems to add insult to injury and prompts a new round of questioning. Not only has the person found they were not the person they thought they were, now, they find out the same aspect exists within their spouse. In addition, as if that last was not bad enough, once the reality of the spouse comes forth, the past dynamics of the marriage also begin to show, and the already frayed and torn feelings of love, die a sudden death.
Some people give up at that time, doing whatever they can, to bury what they have seen, and try to get on with some semblance of a life. These are the people who will face this aspect all over again in time, and when another opportunity presents itself.
However, the truly determined people, who have chosen to come to a greater understanding, will process these things through, and push forward in spite of the obvious pain they feel within themselves. These people choose to learn to deal with the waves of pain that are surely to come with each new aspect faced, and let the resulting change, growth and becoming sweep over them, transforming them into what God means for them to become. As they process through the reality of themselves, the reality of the person they married, and the reality of the past dynamics of the marriage, they will gain an even greater perspective and awareness within themselves. Given more time, this will lead into the last half of the journey to wholeness and healing.
No journey is ever complete without acceptance, forgiveness, and healing. Though much change, growth and becoming has occurred during that first half, these three aspects are the “glue” that binds it all together to create a whole, and healed person. The first three aspects represent the “learning curve” that has led to honest discovery, so one can know what to accept, what to forgive, and finally, what to heal within oneself.
There are different aspects of acceptance that involve recognizing, then accepting oneself and one’s spouse as being fallible, therefore capable of making mistakes. There is also the past dynamics of a marriage, and recognizing, too, that each person within this union was not perfect. It is not an easy thing to come to terms with the past, but one needs to remember the past is set in stone, and if one always lives in the past, the future remains elusive. It would sound as if forgiveness would be a fit for that last sentence, and in one sense, it is, but within the realm of acceptance, it is not.
One cannot forgive unless one chooses to accept.
Once acceptance is processed, the next step begins, and forgiveness, past and present, is navigated to its end. There are many layers to forgiveness, and for sake of length, I will cover those in a future article. Yet, forgiveness is important, because without forgiveness, one will become resentful, angry, and then bitter. Forgiveness totally encompasses oneself, one’s spouse, and even other wrongdoers who have done anything that has not been forgiven before this time. Forgiveness represents canceling an emotional “debt”, and is akin to tearing up that “blank check”, representing the feeling of being “owed” something that may never be collected. Simply put, as long as unforgiveness exists within the heart, one cannot move forward into the last aspect of healing.
One cannot heal unless one chooses to forgive.
The aspect of healing arrives when all aspects of the previous journey are resolved. Healing does not come all at once, but it will complete, given time, and this is where God does His most wondrous work. Some healing will occur at certain points of the journey, as the person going through will accept and forgive some things en route. However, at the very end, God will aid in healing them so thoroughly that all emotional aspects will become a fact instead of a feeling. In many cases, some, if not all memories are removed, or allowed to fade over time.
Time itself is the greatest of all healers, as it heals all wounds, helps change perception and perspective, allows a person to integrate a past event into the fabric of their lives, and it becomes a great feeling to know one has been “finished” in the way God means for them to be. People will always be changing, growing, and becoming throughout their lives, but this experience will always be the main key for confidently moving forward into a more productive future.
Again, always remember, there is hope, there is always hope as long as love remains within the heart.
Until next time!
BIG HUGS!!
Love,
HB