Once the person suffering through a mid-life crisis exits the “Final Fears” aspect within the final stage of Acceptance, they will reach a point of beginning to “settle down”, so they can begin one of two final healing processes that will result in them finally becoming what God means for them to become.
This first healing process is known as the “settling down process”.
However, not long before this happens, the individual in crisis will have completed the process known as the complete “Death to the Old Self” that has led directly into the “Rebirth of the New Self”. This will clearly lead into the “New Beginning” portion of the journey, once out of the transitional process.
Within the individual aspect, those who have exited the crisis will find themselves in a position of feeling the need to begin healing. Their lives and the lives of others, have sustained mild to severe emotional damage, depending upon all the past events that had occurred during the main part of the crisis. Whether one is married or unmarried, each individual has outward damage to heal before his or her inward damage can hope to reach healing.
It is almost like licking one’s wounds for a time before beginning to stretch out a hand to help their loved ones within their own healing. Because of finishing the crisis in full, an emotionally mature adult now stands in the place where the various issue-related “children” had once stood. These same “children” that had ruled their crisis for so long, were, in part, responsible for the damage that occurred during that time. Once resolved in full, however, the whole of the responsibility is then transferred to the emotionally mature adult upon the ending of the crisis.
This newly emerged adult is also responsible for beginning the hard task of mending the fence they had broken during the time within their emotional crisis. They stand for a time to survey the damage that lies behind and in front of them. When they are ready, with or without help, they begin the monumental task of repairing the damage they know they have caused.
Their awareness has given way to true clarity, and they are now strong enough to take whatever negativity will surely come their way as they begin this struggle forward within this first healing phase.
This will not be an easy task to complete. Though emotionally mature within some aspects, other additional aspects will need completing, (these are unique to each individual person) eventually assisting them in their quest to reach full emotional maturity. Although largely pieced together by this time, other pieces found during the recent crisis, remain yet to be “fitted” into the whole and complete picture of their individual lives.
During this time, they will face people who will show them nothing but anger, unforgiveness, seeking to punish them in some way for their past transgressions. Others will choose to show love and forgiveness, and still others will show indifferent and uncaring attitudes.
Yet, the newly emerged adult should continue moving forward, taking the time necessary to complete this first phase of their individual healing. They will continue to face some issues that still require resolution, but they will not lash out at others as they had in the past. If lashing out does occur, it is followed immediately by an apology.
As further evidence their various dealings with life as a whole have changed, patience, tolerance, love, a deeper understanding and more of a desire to help others will clearly show, instead of the prior aspects of entitlement, selfishness, shallowness, and consumed with their wants and desires.
This steadily occurring metamorphosis results in a more gentle type of personality, one that is more welcome than the abrasive, brash, and rebellious personality clearly evidenced during the past fires of the crisis.
As they move further forward, the emotional imbalance that led them into this transition will, in time, lead to a complete emotional balance, as they work their way toward the last and final phase of healing.
Just as the crisis did not come upon them overnight, neither will healing occur in the same way. It all takes time to complete, and it all goes in step. When one phase is complete, the next remains to be completed.
Now, with your indulgence, dear reader, we will look at the “couple aspect”, as it relates to the process, post-crisis.
For the sake of continuity, and to avoid confusion, this next part will read from the vantage point of the husband who has newly emerged from the crisis, having rejoined to his wife. This particular process requires the joint efforts of husband and wife to complete this in full, before arriving at the final point of the journey into wholeness and healing.
Although, still individual in process, there will remain times when both spouses will be heavily involved within the aspect of helping each other at various milestones along the way.
Change and growth have also occurred in spurts throughout the final stage, and eventually, this process brings the couple to the aspect in which their individual paths, separated during the time of the crisis, will then become one path, moving forward toward a brighter future.
As time moves forward, the crisis itself becomes outdated, and a bright future that includes healing lies ahead. During this time, however, there will remain some issues to be resolved within the newly emerged husband. The once “left behind” spouse will also be subjected to the same kind of aspect, as the journey for both continues past the point of exit.
However, instead of working apart, the couple will work together toward a common goal, which would consist of the final healing process that includes the reconciliation and rebuilding of a new foundation to augment their new marriage.
During this time, the couple works with themselves and each other, within various aspects unique to their relationship. There will be times of unresolved aspects brought forth by one or the other; placing these upon the proverbial table for marital examination and final resolution.
A true clarity arrives for both people as this aspect continues. The newly emerged husband, through the continuation of his own journey, begins to gain a much clearer perspective, and a changing perception in regards to the past damage he has caused, and in that process, begins to take complete responsibility for what he has done.
Although honest remorse may have shown itself during the Acceptance stage of the crisis, long before the “Final Fears” aspect, it would not be out of the ordinary for a newly emerged husband to show this aspect for the first time during the settling down process.
Given time, the newly emerged husband will speak, guardedly at first, of the feelings experienced during the recent crisis, watching carefully to see how his wife will react. In the absence of negative reaction, the husband will become more comfortable with beginning to open up to his wife, as he feels safer to do so.
The newly emerged husband has many wounds to help heal within his spouse, his family, and seeks to finish the mending of all the fences that were broken during the deepest parts of the crisis. Through his wife, he will reach further understanding of how deeply he has damaged his marriage, and continue seeking ways to repair these aspects in order to help rebuild this new marriage upon a brand new foundation.
On the other hand, the wife will continue resolving her individual issues within, as she tries to understand where her husband is speaking from, for lack of a better description. It is difficult for a wife to comprehend what her husband is trying to say, and she will find herself suffering from feelings of hurt because she is still trying to come to terms with some of the things her husband did during his crisis.
In some aspects, it will take the husband to help his wife heal herself, and in other aspects, it will take the wife to help her husband heal. Unfortunately, I am unable to give clear steps as each couple’s road to reconciliation and rebuilding is vastly different. As each reconciliation/rebuilding is different, each couple is different. What will work for one couple will not work for another. Each couple must find their own way in their own time, and I must leave it at that.
It can become lengthy, as the married couple struggles with past negative feelings, but if each one is willing to meet the other halfway, it will eventually work out. Given time, however, the couple will reach a deeper understanding between themselves, and the road toward healing becomes more easily navigated.
No one said it was easy, but this is doable; with the help of the Lord, and the cooperation of both people, the process will complete, leading into the next and final aspect of healing that we will cover in the next article.
Until next time!
BIG HUGS!!
Your friend,
HB
