From the time of birth, all human beings were meant to undergo proper physical, emotional and mental training to achieve full maturity by the onset of adulthood. However, due to their parent’s past emotional history, a child is usually reared to adulthood based on what their parents know at the stage of their own growth, and based on what these same parents had learned when they were children. There are other factors involved, including various generational-type mistakes, but each contribution,(right or wrong), is geared toward raising children to be just like their parents.
To be very fair, parenting does not come with a “one size fits all” instruction manual. People do the very best they can with the knowledge they have. Each child comes equipped with its own personality, and the handling of each one is often vastly different.
Parenting is a true challenge, as the goal should be to raise children who are balanced in all ways; yet, the most common imbalance, during the formative years, is the emotional aspect. Coupled with one or both parents facing a mid-life crisis/transition during the child’s formative years, or during the teenage years, there are many emotional obstacles to overcome during that time.
Sadly, many people will endure through the final rebellion of puberty without resolving any issues that were carried over from their childhood. However, in time, these same issues will return, to be faced again, whether in young adulthood, or during the transitional period of mid-life.
One of the major aspects of the mid-life crisis/transition has been the various “children of their issues” that represent each past issue, or even a set of issues within anyone who is struggling to resolve the whole of their past. Because of the negative and unbalanced experiences of childhood, puberty, and even young adulthood, that existed for most people, these same “children” were created.
The “children” represent each negative experience that happened during childhood. At the time of each occurrence, an emotional “piece” was broken off and placed within the shadow of the psyche, to be accessed when that time would be right to resolve it.
Due to factors such as, but not limited to, their inability to cope with what was happening to them, and due to their mental and emotional immaturity, the child subconsciously suppressed these damaging events, internalizing these, taking the blame, guilt and shame into themselves.
Examples of these types of damaging events can include, (and these are the extreme cases), sexual abuse, physical abuse, and/or varied forms of emotional abuse. There are also major life’s events that can be taken into consideration such as, the divorce of one’s parents at a young age, or, the death of one or both parents.
Children do not (and are not expected to) have the proper mental and emotional skills to understand or resolve an issue that will surely appear as a result of being on the receiving end of these devastating kinds and types of damage. Therefore, the issue created, is then, “put on hold,” for a much later time.
There is one other opportunity to resolve these and this comes during puberty. However, if there is no one available to help him or her work through these issues, these will be buried again within the shadow of the psyche for a later time. If there has been a lot of past damage within a person, during the mid-life crisis these will show as multiple emotional “pieces,” that are shown quite clearly all during the time of the transition.
Little by little, as a person passes through the first two phases of the mid-life crisis, the perceived, or real loss experienced during this early time, triggers their desperate attempt to maintain control of their environment, which includes their lives and current situation.
However, in preparation for the “regression and rewinding” phase (also known as Replay, or, the third stage of the crisis), they are then walked through a process of being emotionally “stripped” down (going through complete disintegration) to the bare minimum of tools left to them for emotional self-survival.
Since their personal defense mechanisms no longer work, they begin challenging everything they were taught during their earlier lives. As a result, their perception begins to skew, as their entire lives leading into this time of crisis, becomes a series of constant “question marks,” and a feeling that something is “missing.” They begin experiencing a deep confusion that leads to the onset of heavy anger that is likely to lash out at anyone, at any time, without warning.
These aforementioned “question marks” represent “The Children of the Mid-lifer’s Issues” who are preparing for their own internal onslaught upon the unsuspecting person in crisis. As regression continues, they experience increased feelings they have never felt before, due to heightened emotional awareness. Their prior logical thinking, which has always governed their daily life, is set aside in favor of emotional thinking, and reasoning, during this time.
When the emotional “door” to the third stage (Replay) opens fully, and the threshold is crossed, all of the emotional “pieces” that have been hidden within the psyche, for all this time, begin to scatter to the emotional “wind.”
It is up to the person in crisis to locate all these emotional pieces, plus, many more they never knew they possessed. Thus, this is the basis for what triggers the aspect of “moving forward, then backward,” otherwise known as “emotional cycling.” This aspect will continue all during the mid-life crisis until all pieces are gathered together, (faced, resolved, healed), and finally, fit into the respective space reserved for each one.
This moving back and forth has a tendency to help the spouse in crisis “gather together” different emotional “pieces” as they continue the process of slowly putting themselves back together within the scope of a more mature emotional package.
Each emotional piece, the spouse in crisis fits into place, contributes to their own future growth. It is not unusual to see them come forward positively, for a period, then, seem to move backward in a negative fashion. No person can move forward positively without moving backward negatively. However, without movement of this kind, they risk getting themselves stuck in an emotional rut of their own making.
They must needs to go backward to process what has happened to them, just as they moved forward within a given aspect. This same kind of cycling is also seen, when the spouse in crisis will come in close for a time, then move away for a time. This is called a “touch” (move in close), then, “go,”(move out and away). A child or a teenager will also, “touch” then “go,” during the time of pubescent growth.
The fact is each person within the scope of his or her mid-life crisis will have more than one time of emotionally going backward (regressing). However, going backward in an emotional way, is necessary in order to eventually come forward (progressing) within a stronger way. This is a much-needed part of their growth, change and becoming, due to the fact that within the emotional aspect of their personal lives, there is so much for them to eventually “outgrow.”
Many people become very upset when they observe their spouse in crisis emotionally cycling in this fashion. They feel as if they are constantly caught off guard, walking on eggshells, and no matter what they do, or say, their spouse is nice, one minute, then angry, the next. This is clear evidence that the “children” are in play, and struggling for emotional control within the spouse in crisis.
Time, patience, love, understanding, and a willingness to stand aside is needed, to allow them the emotional space they will need, to do what they feel is necessary for themselves.
As a gentle reminder, the spouse in crisis is on his or her own timetable. They will do what they feel they need to do, when they need to do it. Nothing can be done to influence them one way or the other. The only two choices that people will ever have, is to either choose to continue to stand for the spouse in crisis, or choose to walk away from them. In addition, bear in mind, doing nothing, is actually doing something, because you can do nothing for them, while you can do everything for yourself.
As for them, during this time of continued developmental process, their lives are shattered, and they must needs to learn to put themselves back together in the best way they know how. Since there is not one thing you can do, you must needs to learn to embrace this same process, accept what you cannot change, change what you can, and trust God for the future.
A final piece of advice: The best way to deal with all these various behaviors is by learning how to set behavioral boundaries, and by learning to focus solely on you. You have no control over what they do; you only have control over yourself, your actions, and your reactions/responses. By letting go, and letting God do His necessary work on, and within your mid-life spouse, in time, you will hopefully learn, to find peace for yourself.
For further reading on this subject check out this article: A Deeper Look at The Children of the Mid-Lifer’s Issues
Until next time, remember that there is hope, as long as there is love, and that God, as always, is in control of all things.
Much love,
HB