I think I might envy the fact that you have gotten just a little glance at how broken she is. I know that the affair partner they all get involved with are broken….
Please don’t envy something you really don’t want to see–why? Because it would increase your emotional devastation, and it becomes enough to just know this FACT that the affair partner your husband is involved with is emotionally broken….
It’s never a good idea to meet the affair partner you discover is there. You will learn that the affair partner is nothing LIKE you, they have nothing ON you, and the affair partner is nothing compared TO you. Food for thought.
Every person I have known has gone through that hidden desire to “check out the competition”–which is really what you want to do, if you’re honest about it. You’re human, too, and it’s normal human nature to be curious about this person who has captured the whole attention of your midlife spouse for right now.
But, believe me, after God was finished educating me on these immature people who always want what they were never supposed to have, and are primarily attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable to them, I realized that the only difference in these affair partners, were just the face, and the name–the behaviors were the SAME….they are just as broken, if not more broken than the midlife spouse.
Remember the two of them are exact emotional mirrors, which leave no room for moral and ethical judgment. If you want to know how the affair partner acts, and how their ways (personality) are—just deal with your midlife spouse, and you’ll get more insight…more food for thought.
The typical affair partner acts childishly, like a teenager, and expect to be “kept” in a certain standard of emotional regard by the midlife spouse (who is married), who really has NO emotional obligation to them, but what actual illusion of misplaced obligation they have created in their minds and hearts for the period of time that affair is running its course.
The possessive affair partner will do anything and everything to “keep” what isn’t theirs—even when that person decides they don’t want them anymore. The affair partner who is being dumped and left behind will pull out every tool in their immature, and very unhealthy emotional arsenal to try and “hold” the “luved one” there with them–using guilt, blame, shame, emotional blackmail, anger, control, manipulation, and the saddest part of all, they’re desperate, because this is NOT LOVE…this is ADDICTIVE behaviors.
It’s all about control, because once the affair partner gets “done” or “tired” of what they have, you better believe the midlife spouse will find themselves dumped and left behind in the dust just as soon as something “better” comes that affair partner’s way.
Until then, it’s “game on” for the two of them, who, for now, will simply exist in a Land of “True Luv” Fantasy (infatuation). This temporarily removes the couple from the reality that awaits the change of mind and heart the midlife spouse will hopefully go into as infatuation fades, and the affair becomes tedious, boring, and suspiciously resembles the life they once sought to escape. The only change that’s been made, when someone chooses to go into an affair, has been the face, and the name–and they do have it all wrong, because new partners will never fix old problems.
The affair partner will lie, vilify, and justify their immature behaviors, and when they’re told it’s over, and no sign of hope remains for the adulterous relationship, they’ll cling, cry, beg, and plead. Some of them will threaten to commit suicide, and that’s just a ploy, emotional blackmail used to manipulate the leaving midlife spouse into staying with them. The affair partner has NO self respect, no respect for the midlife spouse, nor respect for the family they often know existed before they came together with the midlife spouse. However, understand this: The affair partner does NOT care about anyone else, but about what is in this for THEM.
There has been many left behind spouses that have contacted this broken person to plead for their marriage, and I don’t think people realize that the affair partner “feeds” on this misery for the purpose of feeling that they are the “better” option. While the left behind spouse begs, and pleads, the affair partner feels secure in their “strength” and does nothing to try and keep the midlife spouse, because they’re not having to do anything.
The left behind spouse who has been emotionally bombed, is early in this crisis, and doesn’t understand what’s happening is actually doing the affair partner’s emotional “dirty work” for them–they’re driving the midlife spouse right to the affair partner. Anger, misery, heartache, crying, begging, and pleading that ANY person might think to do to try and “fix” the broken marriage, and convince the midlife spouse to come back to them, is NOT an attractive force…in fact it’s quite the opposite–it’s all a deterrent, as well as a sacrifice of self respect.
As you learn more about the crisis, and the midlife affair in particular, it should be noted that the broken affair partner is to be seen for what they really are–emotionally broken, and in need of healing, but that’s not what they choose. To heal means they’d have to look on the inside of Self, and the majority of them aren’t going to look anywhere but to other people to “fix” them, “define” them, make them feel special, make them feel good about themselves. None of these types of people realize that everything they need is found inside of themselves–so, in essence they’re stuck in a Self-created trap of emotionally preying upon people they can never own, but it’s like a contest, a competition, if you will, to see if they can “take” someone away from their spouse, and “keep” them for as long as they possibly can.
The affair partner does feel entitled to what they take, and if confronted on their behaviors, they will deny what they’ve done like the person in Proverbs who claims they’ve not done anything wrong:
Proverbs 30 vs 20 says:
Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.
Yet, this is a LIE!
There is no such thing as professing innocence when sin has definitely been committed in this circumstance. There is only innocence that has been destroyed by people whom Satan has used, abused, tempted, and brought down into the immoral gutter.
I don’t make a habit of “stereotyping” people, and I had learned a long time ago, that affair partners come from every walk of life you can imagine. From the richest to the poorest, emotionally broken people exist.
I do try to describe the various affair partners without stooping to the level of other people who use “stereotypical” aspects to very poorly explain that people who are emotionally weak, immoral, and immature, and who have affairs with other people, come from every social circle, every social circumstance one could possibly imagine.
In the end it does NOT matter what they look like, how much money they have, or what kind of occupation they hold, emotionally broken is what it is. The affair is all about unmet emotional needs, NOT SEX. An affair partner is always a moral step “down” into the immoral gutter of adulterous sin.
In closing, allow me to point out the fact that affair partners are human beings, too. They, like every person on this Earth, have feelings, wants and needs. While I agree they go about meeting those wants and needs in a wrong way, the truth is, they’re just as deserving of compassion as anyone else. It’s better to pray for them, and let God have them, than to waste your emotional energy in unforgiveness and hate for a person who is a minor player in a major midlife crisis.
This is a person you don’t even know, don’t want to know, and don’t have to know. Even IF you know them, you don’t really know them–only God knows them. All you really need to know is that they are emotionally broken, and only God can help them…so, please, let God have them, too.
You really don’t want to expose yourself to the midlife affair, for any reason—you’re so much better than that. To give the midlife affair any notice, is to give it–and the affair partner–more energy than it deserves to have.
More food for thought. ((HUGS))
An additional perspective, used by permission of the author:
HB
I want to add my 2 cents which probably isn’t necessary… but it’s always good to have another perspective.
I knew early on after doing all the wrong things (contacting the other woman, her parents etc) that this person had nothing on me. I knew. In every single way I was better than her-well, except she was 10 years younger, had not had 2 children and therefore wasn’t gifted with stretchmarks etc. Yet it still irked me. Why then would he go for her? Why not go for someone in my ‘league’?
My sister-in-law said something to me once. Why would someone like you get involved with this man as he is now?
What could he possibly offer?
I read several of their correspondences until recently, but guess what? It’s not until I read HB’s piece below that something hit me
They are using each other
He tells her all about his day, his taxes, what I made for dinner- and how he isn’t going to eat it although it smells delicious
She encourages that, tells him she’s praying for God to make a way in this situation and applauds him for putting up with the situation for the kids…then subtly throws in, “But kids are resilient, they probably know , won’t it be better for you to make a clean break?”
Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.
She sends him pictures of wedding dresses, her dream wedding on the beach. He says LOL, or nice
He tells her, “I will never get married again and since the Mrs. has refused to divorce me , I just need companionship…”
She says, “My sisters having second babies, I’m 32, I’ve spent 2 years with you.. what am I doing?”
He says, “You are special. The right man will come. Don’t rush. When he does I will be heartbroken.”
She says, “I haven’t seen you for four months, tickets aren’t that expensive. If you sorted your situation out,you would be able to plan money, etc., better…”
He says, “I told you, she’s a lawyer. I would be screwed. I’d end up with nothing…”
etc. etc.
You get it – no real depth. Lies.
But I focused on the length of the exchanges (sometimes 2-3 hour chats) thinking he must love her to spend all this time. I focused on the fact it was the first thing he did when he got up- reached out to her- yet here I was and he couldn’t give a toss whether I was dead or alive.
I rarely think about the affair partner at all now- and when I do,I feel pity for her. Two years later He’s still married to me; with me as ‘plan b’.
She’s clutching on, as she has no plan B’s. Broken is so unattractive…
As for him, I feel sad knowing he’s just repeating the cycle of what his father did. I know he’s in emotional pain despite his mask. He can do better.. they both can
This can’t be a good time…
I know that some of you may worry about the affair partner being ‘younger’ and by society’s standards- more attractive.
Don’t.
