Note from the author:
This was drawn from a forum post I had written in the past (edited for flow, continuity, and acronyms), in response to questions about this first of two “awakenings” the mid-life spouse must go through in order to continue moving forward within the mid-life crisis/transitional period. I also touch on the important aspect of learning to set behavioral boundaries on bad behavior. I have always had a habit of explaining hard to understand aspects in more than one way, so if this article seems repetitive, I apologize.
To “awaken” means to go from sleep to gradual awareness. This first “awakening” that comes during the latter half of the Replay stage, has been compared to the story of “Rip Van Winkle”, who slept for 20 years, and awoke to find everything had changed.
When a mid-life spouse awakens, they find much the same aspect, (everything has changed, or is changing) except their awakening occurs in gradual steps.
1. They awaken to the reality/truth of the situation as it’s become
2. They awaken to the reality/truth what they have done/are doing
3. They awaken to the fact that if they do not do something, all will be lost.
There is another step, but that one applies to the mid-life affair. Since we have a number of situations currently dealing with an affair, here are the steps of the awakening in that context:
1. They first awaken to the reality of what they are doing.
2. They awaken to the reality of the affair partner.
3. They awaken to the grim and harsh reality of the situation they have created.
4. They fully awaken to the fact that if they do not do something, everything will be lost.
This leads them to the point they finally take action that leads to the other woman/other man playing the final cards that break down the affair
In both cases, their awareness begins to sharpen, at least for awhile. They begin some damage control in order to hopefully prevent the left-behind spouse from walking away. The reason they think that is the left behind spouse has often come to the point where their back is gradually turning on the mid-life spouse. When this is seen, they often do not want it to happen.
Many a mid-life spouse, because of entitlement feelings, pure arrogance, rebellion, thinking things will not change, and assuming that no matter what they do or say, the left-behind spouse is not going anywhere, will go as far as they are allowed to go in the way of wreaking havoc in the lives of their spouses and families.
But, like teenagers, they need limits or boundaries set on DIRECT BEHAVIORS; not indirect behaviors (like certain actions once started by the mid-life spouse that must usually run their course). I will further explain, as aspects, like adultery or even divorce, for example, are indirect actions that you will choose to either accept, or reject, depending on your psychological makeup, and what you can tolerate from a person, i.e. the mid-life spouse.
Screaming at, cursing at, or otherwise threatening the left-behind spouse, and/or acting out in unacceptable ways that will make one uncomfortable, are examples of direct behaviors where boundaries can be applied.
Learning to develop healthy boundaries is important. The left-behind spouse, who is watching the mid-life spouse do things that directly affect them, should learn to set firm limits designed to halt the mid-life spouse in their tracks. Now, bear in mind, these boundaries were usually never set before, and so the left-behind spouse is often fearful.
Yet, boundaries aren’t designed for the mid-life spouse, they are designed to protect the left-behind spouse from further damage. It often takes these kinds of limits (you can’t come any further; come or go this far and no farther), to actually force the mid-life spouse to understand they’ve gone far enough.
IF there is any feeling left in the mid-life spouse, this will cause and/or influence an awakening within them that shows them that if they do not begin straightening up, they will LOSE their spouse. However, at first, the mid-life spouse will begin straightening out for the wrong reasons; they will often do it for the spouse, rather than for themselves.
Yet, on the other hand, because there are still issues left to be faced within the mid-life spouse, they will get with the program for awhile, then, later, you will see them “slip” back into the fog of the rebellion they came out of, and it will seem they have tried to “trick” the left-behind spouse.
However, it is not a trick of any kind. This is an important aspect/working within the crisis, as they have to return back into the necessary aspect of the facing of their issues, in order to come forward. As long as there are issues to face, the fog will continue pulling them into it, thick and deep. This is the fog of the past, their issues left to be worked out that they are so often lost within, and wander around in.
It often takes the perceived loss of control and the complete loss of emotional leverage (due to the behavioral boundaries set) on the part of the mid-life spouse to convince them to temporarily overcome and begin clearing, their fogged minds for a period of time, so their marriage won’t be lost.
Now, the boundary-setting aspect does NOT work in the case of a mid-life spouse who is still deeply engaged within an affair, as the affair must run its total and complete course. However, if and when the awakening on the part of the mid-life spouse happens, it occurs not long before the affair is broken down completely.
Once this begins, the mid-life spouse also has to perceive the left-behind spouse as having moved beyond their reach, even in this kind of situation, before the mid-life spouse will gain enough emotional strength to end their illicit liaison.
At any rate their awakening, regardless of how it comes about, is usually triggered as a result of a loss (real or imagined) perceived as coming, or is about to happen. This leads to a greater awareness within them, and various changes begin to occur as a result.
Just like a child who has done something wrong, they will begin to try and “make up” for what they have done, and you will see their clear awareness at that point. Their fear of loss will cause them to “put aside” their fogged up thinking and actions to try to ensure their marriage will not be lost. They will even make most or all the changes they could have made years ago, but never did. However, you will see they are trying their best to make things right
The left-behind spouse, who is at the point of being completely prepared to handle them, will know this will not last, and so, they will simply take what they can get, while this period of time continues. In addition, they will continue walking their journey forward, continuing to lead the mid-life spouse right along with them as the Stanchion they were called upon to be.
The mid-life spouse cannot move that far backward into full fog again, once awakened in this way. When a person’s eyes are opened, there is no going back. If they run backward, it will be with full knowledge and awareness, and it is much harder to justify bad behavior, when one fully knows it is wrong. Even if they run at that point, they will not run for long before they make their way back.
It takes a lot of patience to watch the antics of a mid-life spouse, most especially once they have moved through this awakening process. You will know from their current, and later actions they are not completely done with the mid-life crisis as yet.
Even if the mid-life spouse manages to convince the left-behind spouse to bury everything and start over from the place they’re in, the crisis will still continue to lurk, waiting for another opportunity to strike again, taking them down into its depths once more for another round, if you will, and that next round is harder than the last.
At any rate, the awakening is another aspect of the crisis, and it is important as it will eventually help to move the mid-life spouse forward into the next stage that awaits them.