In our last discourse, we covered the last healing stage of a mid-life crisis, revealing a normal state of resolution. This naturally brings us to the questions surrounding people who do not finish, from which spring forth many differing possibilities.
Not every person who faces this monumental life’s trial will finish successfully. The reasons will vary, the person going through may make choices that will result in failed resolution, and their spouse may choose a different road, one that leads away from the one in crisis. There has never really been a “right” or “wrong” way of navigating the swift-running waters of the mid-life crisis. However, the possibilities that can occur because of the crisis are many, and contain various combinations.
Therefore, we will navigate into only a few of the known possibilities and alternate roads the crisis can take.
As a quick recap of the “final inner healing”, the very first possibility (and the most desirable), exists within the realm of finishing all aspects within the mid-life crisis successfully. Once out of the last healing process, life takes on a more settled appearance, and the person experiences a return to a “normal “existence. However, due to the crisis that has permanently altered their outlook in a positive way, their emotional maturation has completed, and no traces of their experience remain.
Because of the steps taken, (not only during their crisis, but also within these last two healing stages), to strengthen their moral code, correct their former character faults, and to reach full emotional maturation, and combined to create stronger, capable, and more resolute people, these will walk forward into a very successful future within all aspects of their lives.
Their relationships no longer define them, as they are now most capable of defining themselves more clearly than before; yet, they have chosen to stay married if a spouse exists. These are the true successes, and this result would be what you would wish your spouse in crisis to become.
Another possibility arises when the spouse in crisis is apparently too emotionally weak to move forward to face their various issues, or even attempt to avoid their task of facing themselves. As a result, they put their crisis on hold, having allowed themselves to become “stuck” in an “emotional rut” of their own making. However, it is only a matter of time before the crisis will return, as the issues within begin to resurrect once more, overwhelming the person within.
Until they gain the strength needed to overcome the emotional weakness within that contributes to their inability to move forward, they will stay in this state, enduring recurring bouts of crisis. This causes great concern for their spouses, as there is no real way to help the spouse in crisis, because the person in crisis does not want or accept help. Times like this often result in the spouse deciding they have had enough, and choose to move on without the spouse in crisis, and a divorce usually looms on the horizon.
It is extremely difficult to deal in this way, because the mid-life crisis offers no guarantee of resolution; the choices are clear, move forward, or remain stuck. Yet, through time, perseverance, patience, love, and the strength that only God can give, one can become most able to deal with the situation. Only He knows what lies ahead within an uncertain future, therefore, it would behoove the loving spouse to look to Him for clear direction and instructions on what to do, if anything, to help break this recurring cycle.
A particularly undesirable possibility, deals with the spouse in crisis, who is deeply involved within an illicit affair, that chooses to divorce their loving spouse because they are driven by inner forces most people do not understand. Their altered thought process during their mid-life crisis dictates, and wrongly, the pain within will be resolved by legally ending their marriage. However, to add insult to injury, within days, weeks, months, or possibly years, they choose to forge ahead and marry that same mistake.
These people have chosen to begin and support an ongoing affair, then because they choose not to see any other way out of their ongoing troubles; they take the path of least resistance, choosing to leave an old life behind, in trying to start a new one. There may have been an accidental pregnancy, or the wrongful influence of an affair partner who pressures them into taking this step or even failure to overcome the fear of what they think may await them if they choose to return to their spouse.
Regardless of the reason behind their decision, they do not realize (or do not care) this mistake will follow them for the rest of their lives. God does not take these things lightly, and misery will dog their steps forever. There is biblical wisdom that speaks of one reaping what they sow, and consequences, though lasting a season, (a “season” is not defined as any real set time within the eyes of God), will definitely be compounded many times over upon one who chooses this particular road.
The one, who chooses their path, will live and endure the results of the same. God does not look kindly upon those who destroy their families in search of greener pastures. Rest assured, vengeance is His, and He will visit this upon the wrongdoer in His time. In spite of the fact the wrongdoer may appeal to Him, and even receive His forgiveness in return, their resulting consequences suffered, will not be stayed, or withdrawn.
“What comes around goes around” is the main basis for their never-ending consequences. Because they initially cheated with the mistake they chose to remarry, it is always possible that their mistake will go forward, and do the same to them. Alternatively, due to the ongoing crisis that continually returns to haunt them, it is also a possibility they will become restless, and cheat again with another.
They become stuck in a seemingly endless loop of consequential events, true happiness denied to them, and the affair partner who has cast their lot with the one who continues in crisis. It is still possible to resolve their crisis, if they choose to put forth the effort in a right way into choosing the correct path. However, if they choose to stay within the realm of their current mistake, because of what they have done, resolution may come to lie within sight, but stay just out of reach for life.
The next possibility is an interesting one, as this one is twofold. A spouse in crisis can choose to disappear without contacting their wife or husband for a long period, lasting up to seven years, if not longer. Afterward, when ready to return, they simply show up one day on their spouse’s doorstep.
If allowed to return, they may speak of the experience, or decline to answer questions. However, after some time, close observation reveals they begin moving forward into the last phases of the mid-life crisis, and go on to finish the healing experience. Very little data about this aspect exists, with only one case validated.
The other possibility that exists within this twofold aspect is the spouse in crisis returns, only to find the spouse they have willfully abandoned, has given them up for dead, and remarried during the time of their disappearance. Understandably, when a spouse in crisis disappears and does not allow for their wife or husband to know if they are alive or dead, this aspect can cause an already bad situation to become problematic.
This raises the very real question of which person the abandoned spouse will choose. If the abandoned spouse chooses the one they have chosen to remarry because of circumstances, this will usually result in the spouse in crisis going through the same emotional upset they once caused their spouse to endure when they disappeared without notice.
This brings us to the last possibility mentioned within this article, and this one has everything to do with the loving spouse abandoned by their spouse in crisis. What the abandoning spouse in crisis never considers is the very real chance their wife or husband may choose not to allow them to return once they have physically left.
Because of the state of mind that drives them into leaving of their own free will, an adulterous affair that influences them to do the same, or their spouse, who has had enough of their antics and asks them to leave, the majority of spouses suffering a mid-life crisis may physically leave. Once the spouse in crisis has vacated the household, the abandoned spouse may undergo a radical change of heart. Understandably, they may feel the marriage is completely over, and feel their spouse in crisis is forever “done” with them.
What the abandoned spouse may do in response becomes their choice and theirs alone, because the spouse in crisis is choosing to gamble everything on the presumption they can return anytime they choose. Unfortunately, this does not always happen, and so the possibility remains that the abandoned spouse may choose to harden their heart, and turn their back on the spouse in crisis, thus preventing their return.
Divorce becomes an option because of this decision on the part of the abandoned spouse, and as a direct result, if there are any feelings left within the abandoner, the spouse in crisis will go through the same emotional upset they caused when they chose to leave hearth and home.
In the above possibilities, the spouse in crisis had already emotionally abandoned their wife or husband long before the physical abandonment occurred. Even though physical abandonment does not always occur, it remains a distinct possibility within the mid-life crisis.
However, regardless of the reason or even justification behind the undesirable possibilities, there is never an excuse for willful actions designed to destroy a marriage and family. One must consider the ramifications carefully before making a life changing decision that will certainly lead to this outcome.
A gentle reminder: Never forget, nor discount the power of God within your lives and marriages. There is hope, there is always hope as long as love remains.
BIG HUGS!!
Love,
HB