This from Michael:
My wife is in the replay stage and is 48 years old. She has been in MLC for about 2 years and had an emotional affair until a year ago. (they both ended it before full closure) We have two teenage boys who found out about the affair, which has improved her attitude towards the family. She was a homeschool mom for years and since MLC has never moved out of the house. I imposed strict boundaries in December 2013, which she fought but conceded to. As a pay back I am paying for her to go back to college and persue her career of choice.
Give her all she needs and she still doesn’t have the deep remorse of long term commitment to me. I am continuing to work hard to be the best father and husband to my family. At times tension gets high and at times it is ok. I am encouraged with our improvement, but sometimes feal used. I try to interact with her as long as she doesn’t demonstrate disrespect or lack of engagement. She sometimes doesn’t seem to want me around. Should I take a step back from her? How much space and time alone should I give her? How much should I do special things for her, like going on trips, etc?
She generally seems happy in her present life. Am I facilitating her staying in the Replay stage? Please share your thoughts.
Thanks so much,
Michael
Hearts Blessing’s reply:
Hi Michael, 🙂
These are my thoughts for what they’re worth.
My wife is in the replay stage and is 48 years old. She has been in MLC for about 2 years and had an emotional affair until a year ago. (they both ended it before full closure) We have two teenage boys who found out about the affair, which has improved her attitude towards the family. She was a homeschool mom for years and since MLC has never moved out of the house. I imposed strict boundaries in December 2013, which she fought but conceded to. As a pay back I am paying for her to go back to college and persue her career of choice.
If your wife has been in MLC for two years, that’s short time–I’d almost guarantee she’s been in longer than that.
I give her all she needs and she still doesn’t have the deep remorse of long term commitment to me.
You’re giving her all YOU think she needs–has she spoken of what she needs to you? Sometimes what you think she needs isn’t what she thinks she needs. Your idea of what she needs, and her idea might be two different stories.
She’s not at a point of showing remorse to you, nor is she at a point of committing back to the marriage, either, because of the crisis that she’s currently still facing. Give her time, this doesn’t come at the drop of a hat. It often takes time, and sometimes lots of it.
For a person to show remorse, they have to be willing to see what they did wrong, and admit that it was wrong to themselves. I suspect you’re still viewing a lot of behaviors that show her as acting entitled, acting as if nothing ever happened, existing day to day–and are you sure that emotional affair has ended for certain? You don’t mention her processing her affair in any way-no depression, grieving, etc..–you only mention a positive change in attitude, because the teenagers found out what she was doing.
Even that positive change in attitude wouldn’t last long, because she still has issues to work out within herself.
I am continuing to work hard to be the best father and husband to my family. At times tension gets high and at times it is ok. I am encouraged with our improvement, but sometimes feel used. I try to interact with her as long as she doesn’t demonstrate disrespect or lack of engagement. She sometimes doesn’t seem to want me around. Should I take a step back from her? How much space and time alone should I give her?
You need to give her space, and that means backing away from her, stop interacting with her, except for what’s necessary and give her enough room to pursue you. There is no particular amount of space and time alone that you would need to give her–there is only backing away from her, and letting her come to you, when she chooses to. If you’re afraid this might push her into another affair, consider this–if she really wants to cheat again in any way, she will find a way, because people have a tendency to find time for what they really want to do….and mid-life spouses are no exception.
You really would need to take more than one step away from her–get your focus totally off her, and get it fully onto yourself. Lose your fear that you will lose her–you’ve already lost her to the emotional crisis she is already deep within.
Not wanting you around is part of what she will do, because she has to figure who she is without you, and she can’t if you’re always there trying to distract her–you might not see it that way, but she would…mid-life spouses are such that any effort on the part of the left-behind spouse, is often seen as attempts to control and manipulate them–and they must be let go to find themselves.
How much should I do special things for her, like going on trips, etc?
If she’s receptive then do special things, if you like. Otherwise, just be there for her if/when she needs you.
She generally seems happy in her present life. Am I facilitating her staying in the Replay stage? Please share your thoughts.
Thanks so much,
Michael
You don’t have any control over where she is within her crisis, Michael. There’s nothing you can really do to move her forward, although there are some things you can do to hold her back–and one of those things is to try and control what she does, when she does it. Setting boundaries are all about you, and not necessarily for her, as you are teaching her what you will and won’t accept in the way of behavior.
However, you cannot make her love or care about you, you cannot even make her do what you think is right. You can only let her go to do what she thinks she should when she thinks she should do it. She’s an adult, regardless of what she’s going through, and when it comes down to it, none of us are the mid-life spouse’s keepers, guardians, nor someone who is “above” them. To try and “make” them do anything you would want them to do, only serves to increase their rebellion within.
You are currently learning about yourself, so you can learn how to deal with your wife. However time and space are major aspects within the MLC– giving her space and time to work herself out on her own. Learning to deal with yourself, learning to live your own life, learn who you are without your wife, while giving her space to learn to deal with herself, and learn who she is without you, is really all you can do at this point.
As an additional thought–somewhere along the line, her self-identity was lost, just like yours, too, was lost. The two of you got married, had children, and as time went on and the kids became teenagers, she began this process of redefining herself, a time of emotional redevelopment, and discovered she didn’t know who she was, other than a wife, a mother, a caretaker–we are so much more than the roles we hold, and during a time of emotional transition, we find we must learn to define where we end, and other people begin,(learning boundaries) and it triggers a time of change, growth and becoming within ourselves.
These are but a few of the many aspects people are called upon to face during the transitional period.
I hope all this helps you. 🙂
((hugs))
Added note:
This man followed me to my forum, and for about five years, he received guidance, advice, and he followed all of it. Eventually, his wife came all the way through her crisis. Here’s his last email to me, edited for some personal details sent to me in November of 2020:
Hi HB,
I’ve been thinking of you on this Thanksgiving morning, reflecting of our discussions of years ago.
I am so thankful for you and your ministry to these aching souls who so deeply need God, You and the wisdom and directions that you offer.
You need to know that you are the reason that I was able to weather the storm with W. Your insight kept me in the game, though miserable at the time, and delivered W to a place of peace and appreciation. Although W has had some physical problems, her emotional turmoil from her crisis has settled into a calm pool of water.
I am forever grateful for you.
Michael