This is from EC:
HB,
The hardest of all is letting go….I have finally come to this realization. A year and half into this nightmare. I have lost and seen quite a bit in my life but never felt such grief as looking into the eyes of someone you love and seeing a vast emptiness of confusion and selfishness that they so rightfully feel they are entitled to at the expense of their loved ones.
Have I waited too long to understand letting go is the only real hope I have? How long is too long…
How long did it take you to come to terms with letting go?
Nothing shows unconditional love more forgiving….how does MLC man not see the pain he is causing and the miracle of the forgiveness and love his wife is showing by standing for their marriage by believing that with God all things are possible.
Thank you – E
Hearts Blessings’ Reply:
Hi EC, 🙂
Have I waited too long to understand letting go is the only real hope I have? How long is too long…
It’s never too late to learn to let go and let God work within the heart of a mid-life spouse. Letting go involves releasing any control you once through you had, but find that you never had.
Within this kind of lesson, we learn more about God and how He deals with wayward, rebellious people.
How long did it take you to come to terms with letting go?
The time it took me, isn’t going to be the same kind of time it would take you. It depends on how quickly you begin to understand that first lesson of life: The only person we have any control over is ourselves, and no one else. Once you understand that aspect, your journey into your Self begins, and in time, you learn to come to terms with letting go.
It took me three months to understand that I controlled NOTHING but myself. Coming to full terms with letting go was an ongoing process that took around a year. However, as I walked this whole process for myself, I saw that there were many things I once tried to control and manipulate, and I had to train myself to STOP trying to control things that were better left alone.
These things had to do with other people, not me. I found that as long as I held on, I could not let go, because one cannot do both at the same time–you have to do one or the other.
While you’re learning to let go, be patient, because you’re going to make mistakes, but if you’re willing to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward for yourself, you’ll learn a lot more about yourself, and more about what you can and can’t control in regards to not just your mid-life spouse, but other people, as well.
Remember that change, growth and becoming takes time, and as you learn the lessons of life–you’ll find a more peaceful way of living, that involves my spin on the Serenity Prayer–Change what you can, learn to let go of what you can’t, and trust God for the future.
Nothing shows unconditional love more forgiving….how does MLC man not see the pain he is causing and the miracle of the forgiveness and love his wife is showing by standing for their marriage by believing that with God all things are possible.
If you take your journey toward wholeness and healing as you would need to–you will find that it takes more than love and forgiveness to bring you through this crisis. There is much to learn, and it is rare that simply standing still, showing love and forgiveness will cause a mid-life spouse to begin growing up for themselves. It more often involves the learning of boundaries for yourself, learning to separate yourself emotionally from your mid-life spouse, and learning to grow on your own, bringing forth change in you, that would trigger change in your spouse.
All things are possible if you believe, but even God encourages the emotional journey into wholeness and healing for the left-behind spouse to take. When I was going through this, I was constantly encouraged to walk my own journey, just as my mid-life spouse was walking his own journey.
We both had a lot of growing up to do, and while I couldn’t make him do his part, I still had mine to do, and I did do it, and complete it, even as he continued his path. There comes a time when you stop standing for them, stop standing for your marriage, and your stand, becomes more about yourself–and if your marriage makes it through, it becomes a bonus, rather than a means to an end.
I don’t doubt that your mid-life spouse sees what you’re doing to stand, but at the same time, his focus is not on you, nor his marriage, it is upon himself, because his crisis is all about himself, just as your journey is all about yourself.
Learn to put your focus solely upon you, and leave him to twist in the winds of change at this time.
I hope this helps.
((hugs))