Because of the inability, or refusal to “own” (take clear responsibility for) one’s personal feelings, these feelings are “shifted” or “projected” upon another person in an effort to avoid facing negativity within oneself. There is a wrong assumption, from the mid-life spouse’s point of view, that the person being “projected” upon must feel the same way.
Due to past co-dependent tendencies (as yet, not overcome, that have always led into the automatic taking of responsibility for their partner’s emotional feelings), projection will influence their spouse into “taking on” or “buying into” negative feelings, wants and needs (plus the blame for these) that are not their own.
As the mid-life crisis goes full-blown, for all their talk about wanting to get away from their spouse, the mid-life spouse finds it difficult, if not impossible, to separate themselves from their spouse. This is in spite of the fact they have already distanced themselves emotionally, and often, physically.
Yet, a connection remains that neither person can break for a period. It is through this connection, the mid-life spouse feels completely justified in projecting themselves upon their spouse.
Because of this same inability to completely separate themselves from their spouse, the mid-life spouse automatically assumes that if they are feeling or have acted in a certain way, their spouse must also feel the same, and/or have acted in the same way. They wrongly view their spouses (and other people) as “extensions” of themselves, instead of seeing them as separate people.
As a result, during their frequent bouts of deep and emotional angry spewing and confusion, they will say things that at first will not make sense. The mid-life spouse will be telling their spouse how they feel or what they do, and have done. However the spewed accusations won’t “match” what their spouse is really feeling within themselves, nor will it “match” what the spouse does, or has actually done in the past. This aspect is what makes “projection” so confusing, as the spouse struggles to make sense of what they are hearing.
Projection could also be seen as a type of emotional “rewriting” used to try covering over what the mid-life spouse knows is past or even present unacceptable behavior. The mid-life spouse will separate the “bad” stuff from the “good” stuff, keep the good, and emotionally distance themselves from the bad. However, the majority of the time, they are unaware of trying to project a particular undesirable behavioral quality OFF themselves, and onto someone else in an attempt to avoid facing it.
The mid-life spouse deeply hates and cannot accept themselves. They lack the emotional strength to view themselves honestly, so, in a very dishonest way, they will attempt to turn it all onto their spouse in the hopes they will not ever have to look at it for and within themselves. What they do not realize, is projection will run its course, given time, and once the spewing and confusion ends, the mid-life spouse will have to face themselves anyway.
During the time of heavy projection, they maintain the clear inability to face what they feel. Since they are looking to outside sources to validate, justify, and make themselves feel better in a shallow sort of way, it is easier to “project” what one feels onto someone else, instead of turning it all inward, and doing an honest facing.
For example, most mid-life spouses are so intent on NOT looking within themselves that they will accuse their spouse of criticizing when they should not. However, it is not their spouse, but the mid-life spouse who has this tendency, or problem.
At first, it will confuse you completely until you realize what the mid-life spouse is doing to try to hurt you.
This is so the mid-life spouse can continue justifying his behavior that he/she cannot find a truly valid excuse for enacting. As long as they are allowed to project bad feelings/behaviors onto their spouse; they seek to continue to avoid themselves in favor of trying to force you, their spouse, to continue carrying the responsibility and the blame for their various shortcomings and mistakes.
My suggestion is to not validate any projection-type behavior, when you know there is no truth to what they are saying. Simply look at them and wait. If one set of projections do not work, they will try another one that is also all about them, and not you. Realize they are trying to convince you to take responsibility for the deep emotional problems that belong to them, and not you.
They do get very angry at their own inadequacies; but because the spouse is there in the line of fire, and a part of their past, they will try to take it all out on them. That is why everything is supposedly their spouse’s fault, and never the mid-life spouse’s fault or responsibility.
Please remember that you did not break them, therefore, you cannot fix them. You did not cause this to happen, but they will try to make you think that you did.
If the spouse will remember to stop for a moment, and learn to “turn around” in their own minds what has been said to them, they will be surprised to find their mid-life spouse is desperately trying to “project” all of their bad personal feelings outward onto them.
This is a common behavior and nothing to take personally. You cannot put it back on them, but you can bear in mind that in their search for themselves, they will try avoiding everything through the usage of projection. They will not only try to do this with you, but will also attempt this with others who dare get in their way.
Eventually, however, the smoke and mirrors used to deflect their attention from themselves will clear, and all that will be left is seeing a true reality within that cannot be denied. In time, as the spouse learns to simply listen, and say nothing, regardless of what is said, projection will lose its effect.
One cannot reason with a mid-life spouse who projects heavily, and understanding that this is part of their avoidance behavior goes a long way toward gaining the strength to endure through this particular phase.
Once the mid-life spouse eventually moves forward into this honest facing of themselves, the usage of projection will not occur as often, and in time, it will stop.
