Continuation of Tosca’s Situation. Her comments will be in bold italics, whilst mine will remain in regular font/format.
Hi HB,
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
I am so appreciative of the time nan effort you have given to my situation and for the wisdom and advice that you have offered.
What you have written really resonates with me and makes me even more clear about what is going on with my partner at the moment. Issues and circumstances that I have questioned, doubted etc and situations that have left me confused, despairing, sad, at a loss to understand – you have really helped to clarify many things.
I have taken the last few days to not only read your post here to me but also your replies to other posters and I am gradually coming to a series of realisations.
Honey, you’re welcome. 🙂 I am glad that you are being helped through the answers I’m giving. Many times we cannot see the forest for the trees, and often need help in seeing what we truly cannot see, because we’re in the situation/standing too close to the situation.
However I would like to share a little more of my story with you in the hope that you will be able to perhaps offer a little more insight into the finer details of my situation.
So firstly to clarify – my partner and I are not married – but he is without doubt my significant other. My D (12) is not his biological daughter but their relationship has been very close and he has, for all intensive purposes, been an active and willing/loving step father to her. I divorced from my ex-H and was single for over 3 years before I met my partner – I was single during that time on purpose – I wanted to work on myself and make sure that the person I was next involved with was a considered and intelligent choice.
I met WAP (walk out partner) and we dated for a while before I was offered a job in his country (I was living abroad with D at the time) and I moved with D to live with him, at his insistence. We were all very happy and there was a sense of calm, peace, security and solidity.
Now, before I speak what I’m thinking, please understand I don’t mean any disrespect toward you or your S/O. You come across as a much stronger lady than you realize, and I’m sure you probably have a good idea of what I’m about to say. However, I don’t wish you to think I’m judging you, because I don’t do that.
It’s a frightening thing to come out of a bad relationship to begin with, and while you tried to make sure this next relationship would be a better one, you succeeded on one count, and your S/O failed on the other, because it’s apparent that part of his issues he’s facing will have to do with the problems he didn’t face that came from his former marriage.
So, he will have a lot of work to do on/for himself, while you begin the task of finishing the work you started on yourself long before you met him.
Though you’d done quite a bit of work on yourself, before you met your S/O, you weren’t finished, and your S/O hadn’t done any of the work required on himself. When we end relationships, or these relationships are ended without our choices, there comes about a time of reflection we must take in order to begin to see what it was in us that drew the partner we had, learn to fix those result inner issues that contributed to our choice of partner, and learn to grow from that experience.
You were determined to do this work on yourself, and that was a good thing. However, I think you missed something in yourself, because the man you drew this time, mirrored your own fear of commitment. What shows this is the fact that the two of you never got married to each other.
Marriage changes things, and requires a solid commitment on the part of both people, and understand that I’m not insulting your intelligence, or his. I simply see that both of you chose not to marry, but chose to co-habitate because one, or both, of you were not sure if you wanted to remarry in the first place.
Both of you obviously had a bad experience within your former relationships, and this would also contribute to the choice of co-habitation vs marriage. Even if one of you hadn’t wanted to get married, there was still a fear of commitment present, plus unresolved issues within both of you that prevented remarriage.
Simply food for thought to consider.
However after about 8-10 months I started to notice a SLIGHT change in WAP (this was about 18 months before BD). It was very slight – occasional quietness (he is quite a quiet and reserved man anyway) and a slight irritation towards me. However it was slight and we were still happily sharing our lives as a family (he also has two sons from his own marriage – he is divorced over 10 years – but they are in their mid-late twenties).
During this time I was having some problems with my ex-H re child support and my mother, who visited us in June of 2012 – had two strokes very suddenly in quick succession and was hospitalised and needed to convalesce in his house – all putting enormous strain on us.
This shows a good description of the aspects leading into the mid-life crisis. Quiet people can be dangerous in the first place, because they often come across with the patience of Job, but you don’t want to push them too far, because they can be prone to rage. Quiet people are also deep thinkers, often cautious in their choices, and because they don’t speak out that much, when they have something to say, you tend to take notice.
Sounds like the problems with your ex-husband, and the medical problems with your mother, were major contributors toward what happened to your S/O.
These two events seem to have been the tip of the iceberg, and started him into his mid-life crisis.
Towards the end of 2012 (December) he started to get worse and the first BD occurred (I look back now and I do believe this was a mini BD of sorts). He became enraged over a small incident to do with him renting out one of the bedrooms in his house to a lodger and twisted it so far out of context that he ran away – emailed me the next day and said that the relationship was over – FINAL – accused me of needing therapy, accusing me of hating men, telling me that D and I needed to leave his property at once etc etc. I was shocked and very upset. there was HUGE spewing and monster and a great deal of anger – I was unclear as to where it was coming from at the time. He even refused, for no apparent reason except petulance, to pick D up from school despite us having arranged this and me depending upon it because I was at work at the time. He stayed away for over a week but eventually came home – he had calmed down after some serious intervention on my behalf by his best friend – and we talked and managed to work through things and to get back on track. However I did say to him that if tis happened again I couldn’t go through it again. At that time he was saying that his family and friends thought that he was depressed but he didn’t admit it himself – more that he felt everyone could see he was unhappy and he felt he deserved to find his happiness etc etc.
It’s not unusual for the person going deeper into their transitional period to begin acting quite strange, throwing tantrums, running away, spewing in anger, projecting, and showing deep rebellion.
His family and friends could see his depression, but he was unable to admit it to himself, because HE couldn’t/refused see it. One must admit to themselves they need help before they can choose to receive help. To admit that he needed help, was a weakness to him, that he clearly didn’t want to see, nor admit.
Mid-life crisis spouses don’t want help, and so, they avoid any suggestions made to them to get help for behaviors they tend to block out. In that process, they begin to lie to themselves-and those are the worst lies they can tell, because lying to Self hurts THEM, not anyone else.
They clearly don’t understand what’s happened, they just know something has changed/shifted in them, and in desperation they do keep quiet, hoping it will go away, but it doesn’t. It simply gets worse, and their issues begin clamoring for attention.
Through talking it out, you averted a major catastrophe or thought you did, but all he did was push everything in him back for another time. None of what you did, or he did, helped anything-all he really did was stuff it down within himself, and I believe he really hoped that it wouldn’t return–but it did.
Once issues are triggered forth, they don’t just “go away.” They keep returning to torment the person who is actively trying to bury these, Tosca. The issues in your S/O were triggered forth, and no amount of stuffing it down, or pushing it back were going to successfully cause these to stay gone.
After a talk he was very clear about how this could not happen again ad really tried to make a difference to our relationship. We went through 3-4 months of change and more harmony and stability – he seemed happy and secure on our decision.
However around June 2013, while we were at a friends wedding in Spain – he started to become distant again. This was happening at the same time as him beginning to give OW (his music student – 50, married with 4 children) more lessons and was discussing things with her – probably not only about us but also about her own unhappy marriage (she was known for being unhappy in her marriage and made it clear that she was looking for something). This distance started to get progressively worse – he was becoming very irritable and angry with me – shutting me out – cold, distant, not wanting to participate in family events, starting to block out D who was really feeling the disconnect from him. He started to look for work away from home and was spending ore time with his sister and father who live four hours away (and very close to OW)…..I was starting to worry and panic and begged and pleaded but, as you have rightly said, it fell on deaf ears. He was becoming more unfeeling, more removed, more cold, more disinterested in me and D and started to speak about not being sure of his feelings – he couldn’t explain etc and was very angry when I asked him to try. Walked out of the room, yelled at me accusing me of being on a “kamikaze” mission to destroy our relationship when it was already fragile etc etc. Our intimacy was shutting down and he couldn’t look me in the face or hold my hand – something he did all the time previously.
Unless you haven’t already surmised this for yourself, this would have been around the time the affair was starting to heat up-and since there’s no room in one heart for two people, one of them had to go, and that was you. The more drawn he became to the other woman, the worse he treated you. He became cold, disinterested, projected heavily onto you, and closed everything down on his end. All the classic behavioral signs of an affair are contained within this paragraph, Tosca.
However, at the same time, he felt guilty, and ashamed, so, he couldn’t look you in the face for fear you’d see right through him.
Mid-life spouses who get involved in affairs will often hide out in the open, and if a person is paying attention, it becomes clear what’s happening, when it’s happening.
Although we all have a part/contribution that leads into the breakdown of our relationship/marriage, the ACT of getting into an affair lies upon the one who chooses to step outside of the relationship to begin with. You were not at fault for what he chose to do to try and “fix” with this kind of outside solution. These were and are HIS issues, HIS problems. You had nothing to do with anything he’s done. You didn’t break him, therefore, you cannot hope to fix him. This current detour he’s on won’t fix him, either, but that’s up to him to figure this out for himself.
Two other things happened before the most recent and final BD- October 2013 and December 2013. In both cases he had what he described as a “turn” – the first when he had temporary amnesia as he was cycling to the shops – he couldn’t remember where he was or how to get home. The second, in December and two days before D and i were leaving for our Xmas trip abroad, when he couldn’t stand up, felt dizzy and got into bed and literally slept for 8 hours straight. Is this a sign of depression? Did these happen because the pressure was building up inside him (and the guilt of the OW and affair) and he knew he was going to BD when we were away visiting our family?
Even though I can clearly track this time line leading to final BD I was still utterly shocked when it happened on New Years Eve 2013. What I do honestly believe is that when WAP admitted in the most recent BD that he WAS depressed (and that I was the cause of his depression) that he was telling the truth.
I cannot say for sure if a mid-life spouse “knows” ahead of time whether they will emotionally bomb their spouse/S/O or not, Tosca. I can only tell you that the inner pressure builds to the point they are forced to spew, or emotionally “throw up” all over the one that is the closest to them.
There’s never any “right” time to do this, and so, it’s subject to happen at any time. However, the signs leading up to that time, are almost always seen in hindsight. It’s a rare person who is able to see something like this coming.
The only people that can actually track a coming emotional bomb drop ahead of time, are the ones who have already been down this road before. Otherwise, it seems to come out of nowhere, until you are able to view this in hindsight with a later and better understanding.
Depression and Withdrawal both will show throughout the mid-life crisis, Tosca. One other ‘mark’ is the fact they become quite sick at times. Because of the chemical changes within the brain that brings forth depression, this takes a harsh toll on the physical body, leading into rapid aging, suppressed immune system, emotional and physical exhaustion, and they have a pretty rough time functioning.
He also said in the BD email that he needed time to think about things. I do not think this was a cop out – I think this was also true. He stated in the same sentence that he only wanted me to communicate by email as he couldn’t “cope with any verbal or emotional pressure”.
I couldn’t go back into our home (his house) when D and I returned because I was traumatised and in shock. I was shaking, not sleeping, eating etc (this was only 4-5 days after BD). I needed to protect myself if I had any hope of also protecting D through this.
He didn’t flinch and he hasn’t since. No concern about where we are or how we are. Whilst i haven’t heard officially that OW and him our in a relationship they are in all other ways and he seems to be infatuated by her. Me and D, on the other hand, are deleted, ignored etc etc.
He was telling you the truth in his email. However, dropping any emotional bomb in an email shows cowardice on the part of the person who sends it. Ending a relationship requires courage, and face to face contact. Your typical mid-life spouse lacks that courage, because they simply can’t handle the pressure they know will come from the one they are trying to leave behind. It’s not right, but it’s often how they do/how they are.
For now, he’s deep within his affair, infatuated with the other woman, and his heart is turned completely away from you, and your daughter.
Realize that what he’s doing has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. When people do things, good or bad, to other people, it’s an issue or set of issues that “drive” said behavior. It’s not personally directed, although it seems to be.
But Tosca, if this weren’t you, it would have been someone else who would be dealing with this same kind of situation. Because his crisis is driven by his issues, it’s up to him to figure it out and fix himself, or remain in crisis until he does.
There are no guarantees for a positive outcome-there is only the guarantee of the work you are willing to do for yourself. Also, understand you have choices, just like he does, and you can exercise these choices in any way you please.
He may or may not return to you, and you may also choose down the road to decide not to continue with him. However, time is what you have to work with, and there’s always hope as long as you still love him, and are willing to wait, without waiting. Life will go on, regardless of what happens, but in time, you’ll realize that you’re going to be just fine no matter what happens in the future.
I instinctively felt that I needed NC to heal and, even though I struggle every day, I know in my heart that it is the right response to his silence. It is now for him to work through and decide whether I/we mean ANYTHING to him. Whether the feelings are still there, buried, or just not there at all. Ironically in the decline before BD he was ADAMANT that he wanted the relationship to continue, despite his growing detachment, saying that we needed to give things time to work out and we needed to stay together. Yet he ended it so brutally and without any looking back???
I am so confused at times……
Every mid-life spouse has to have an ending, in order to hopefully move into a new beginning down the road. Before this comes about, there is no telling what he will do/won’t do. Whether he chooses to return to you, or chooses to move along for himself, remains to be seen. You have no control over that, or anything he chooses to do. So, you let go, let God have the situation to work with, continue to do the inner work necessary on you, and live your life going forward, one day at a time, one step at a time.
Do you think WAP is in Replay? If so was the Dec 2012 the REAL BD and the one on NYE further BD and now he is silent because he is deep in the tunnel (middle of Replay). Or are we at the beginning of Replay?
He is definitely in Replay, Tosca-I can imagine he’s pretty deep in this stage right now. His heart is turned away from you at this time, therefore, he is silent. All his attention is focused upon the other woman, and so you have been put on his emotional shelf at this point in time.
However, I would suggest you get your focus off him, and get it on you, because you can do nothing for him, and everything for yourself.
Is it understandable in your opinion that he has gone completely silent?
Yes. Until he chooses to reach out to you again, he will remain silent. He might be silent for a short time, he might be a silent for a long time. I cannot say how long he would remain this way, because I don’t know. That lies within your S/O’s hands, and within the hands of God.
Is WAP in depression?
Depression and Withdrawal are present throughout the transitional period. Yes, he is depressed-his friends, family, and you have seen this, but he does not think he needs any help-there are very few mid-life spouses that will admit to needing help. No one can help him until he learns to help himself.
I will write more in a little while (more comments re some of your points in your last post) but would appreciate your feedback.
At this point I am determined to stand – I do love him and believe in him…
Blessings
T x
PS – HB…do you think there is, if any, significance in the fact that he used the words “rejuvenation, new beginnings and doors that needed to be closed” as an example of depression, wanting a new life and Replay?
Is this common script (in tandem with OW/affair) at BD?
Blessings
T x
It’s not so much an example of depression, as what he has said is a good example of him KNOWING that change must be made for himself. They all know that change must be made, but the key to change is knowing that change begins within oneself. Sadly, they don’t know this, you can’t tell them this, they must needs to learn to figure this out for themselves.
Until they do, they’ll continue trying to find outside sources to fix an inside problem. You’ll often hear them say very strange things at times, but speaking, and doing are two different stories. He might talk for days at a time, but the actions and words don’t always match. They may say one thing and do another, or do one thing, and say another.
His actions will eventually tell the tale, not so much what he says.
Now, here we come to the end of this session. You have quite enough information to read and digest at this point. I have noticed in this post that some of your questions have repeated themselves. When questions begin to repeat, it’s time to go back and re-read what’s been written before.
Hopefully all that’s been written down will help you understand your situation even more, Tosca. 🙂
((hugs))
Love,
HB